Brother is a drug addict, how can I help?

[manof]

My brother apparently takes cocaine and speed every few months. When he does he takes it for as long as he can get supply. He combines it with energy, wodka and weed.
For a long time he did not want me to know about it, because it is very important for him to keep a good image in front of his younger brother. But he lived a few months with me in my appartment and got drunk with the alcohol I had there. Then he moved in his own appartment. He called me once because he was drinking (with energy) for like 4 days in a row without sleep. I went to his home and we went to the hospital. They asked him whether he took drugs and he clearly stated only weed. They checked everything and told us that he could go home again. There I cleaned everything up and waited until the next day to leave.
Today is my mothers birthday and he had to do some things but he wasn’t reachable. Now he stated that yesterday when he was drunk he saw his dealer (who was in jail before) and got cocaine from him again and that he would have continued if he did not run out of money. He also told us that this happens about every 2 months. Before we thought that he would only get drunk occasionaly.
He has a lot of debts. He is highly intelligent, but never keeps his deadlines. He works since nearly a year for a friend of mine who owns a company. He has much potential there to make a lot of money. They are working there mostly as self employed, but my brother gets a fixed amount as advanced money and for some work he does for him.
My sister always books concert tickets for us. She has not seen the money from him, but she says that it is more important for her that we do something together. I do not know what I should do.

My brother is not aggressive at all and would not try to get money from us to spend it for drugs. But when he has taken something he just stops thinking. We already tried that I take his credit card but whenever I give it to him because something has come up I do not get it back. He also tried to write down everything he buys, which worked for some time, but then he just is not reachable anymore.

He told us that he is so sorry and he can not do it alone. What is the best way I can help him and what should I do?

Sorry for my bad english.

 

[manboychef]

I have read your post, and I will comment later. Just know you are in the right place.

 

[Jabberwocky]

There is nothing worse than doing something, know it's wrong, loving part of the result, hating the other and then forgetting how bad it made you feel. I am very interested to see how things tend to work out. I honestly would just set supportive boundaries, don't assume anything. Don't necessarily give anything material, but do stay in touch. You can plant seeds of compassion and try your best to learn about your relation, how they see themselves. It's a lot better than cultivating a garden of resentment and becoming more and more distant and frustrated as time goes on.

Set a good example for your loved one. Be good to yourself. Sometimes that's the most you can do - and what they want for you, especially because it sounds like you care for one another a great deal.

 

[herbavore]

^That is stellar advice. From someone who has been there before and is currently there again (my own brother) reading that reminded me of what I supposedly "know" and often forget in my own worrying mind.

 

[Jabberwocky]

With close loved ones it can be really challenging though. We can all relate.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Encourage him to go to rehabilitation, or seek therapy. There's many different ways to try to combat a problem like this. You just have to see what he really wants. A lot of people aren't ready to quit and you have to recognize if he's not willing to quit yet.

 

[manboychef]

This is taken from AlAnon. This is about detachment.

1. Do not suffer because of the actions of others.
2. Do not allow yourself to be used or abused by others in the interest of recovery.
3. Do not do for others what they can themselves do.
4. Do not manipulate situations so the addict will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not use, or behave as you see fit.
5. Do not cover for the addict's mistakes or misdeeds
6. Do not create crisis in your life, when the crisis is not yours.
7. Do not try to prevent crisis in the addict's life.

Detachment is important when it comes to having a relationship with an addict, be it friendship, love, family ties etc.
More on detaching with love

I know it will be difficult, but you will not be able to help him if you are trapped in your own feelings towards him.

 

[FLA]

This is taken from AlAnon. This is about detachment.

1. Do not suffer because of the actions of others.
2. Do not allow yourself to be used or abused by others in the interest of recovery.
3. Do not do for others what they can themselves do.
4. Do not manipulate situations so the addict will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not use, or behave as you see fit.
5. Do not cover for the addict's mistakes or misdeeds
6. Do not create crisis in your life, when the crisis is not yours.
7. Do not try to prevent crisis in the addict's life.

Detachment is important when it comes to having a relationship with an addict, be it friendship, love, family ties etc.
More on detaching with love

I know it will be difficult, but you will not be able to help him if you are trapped in your own feelings towards him.

Thanks chef, would this be almost the perfect definition of codependency?

 

[Jabberwocky]

^I have a lot of mixed feelings about that list, as I do AlAnon, but then again what is new. It's all about how the knowledge is used and interpreted. Being confrontational with addicts doesn't seem to work very well IME, but then again it can be difficult to work with them without any knowledge about what is going on with them. AlAnon isn't necessarily the best place to learn about addiction. Learn about what is going on with the loved one and set a positive example.

The truth of the matter is that both the addict and the codependent need one another's help in this. though they will likely find it in many different places, there will be lots of overlap given the subject matter of addiction and codependency.

 

[manboychef]

Its actually what you can do about codependency: It is not hard and fast rules...its just a basic set of things to remember when dealing with someone you care about that is an addict.

I am with you on that TPD: I don't completely agree with everything in alanon, but I do agree with detaching with love. The only thing you can do if you love your addict is to accept that this is how things are at the moment, set an example, use the guideline to protect against resenting or enabling them, and be their cheering section.

The best thing you can do is view your relationship not through rose colored glasses, or the deep red of crisis. If you separate how you feel and think objectively about the situation you will be able to help a lot better. The best number on that list for me is 5. Covering for your addict will only enable them to further use without consequences. Why should the consequences of their use be yours? When I was with my ex I constantly went around trying to fix her mistakes. All this did was create resentment between us, and it further enforced the idea that she could do whatever she wanted, hurt me however she liked (I know she didn't hurt me by design, but merely through a lack of care and empathy) without fear of any consequences. What wage does this create? It creates more of the same behavior that you do not like. Only you can protect yourself from that behavior. I know it is hard to be tough, and many addicts are master manipulators, but at some point it becomes imperative that you put your thoughts and feelings first.

 

[manof]

Thanks for the answers.
Right now he is trying his best to keep all deadlines and keep us up to date about his feelings.

I will follow the things about detachment and stop lying for him in any way. Same about money.

 

[herbavore]

Al-anon helped me immensely with understanding how my own craziness (terror) over my son's addiction was adversely affecting the situation, especially him; that the best way to support him was to be coming from a place of calm and faith myself. But I also remember one of my first meetings where a mother stood up and said, "If anyone in here says 'hit bottom' again I'm going to scream. My son died. That was the bottom I was supposedly waiting for him to hit?" At that point my own son was alive. When he fatally overdosed, I thought of her and how she echoed my own feelings about that phrase. My point here is to incorporate what is useful to you and reject what is not. The al-anon regulars urged people to not "enable" their loved ones with hard and fast rules about what that meant. My sense is that everyone needs to figure out those boundaries for themselves. We paid for my son's apartment during the last year of his life which was a year of using, psychosis and chaos. Some may still see that as enabling but I see it as providing the only thing we could actually provide to give him any chance to heal. If we had not provided that I could not have lived with myself. It's a tricky road trying to foster and maintain trust during active addiction. In the end, you accept your own lack of control of the situation but you also must do what you think is best to maintain compassion.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I find the confrontational nature of 12 Step groups to be almost anathema next to compassion. There are so many different groups out there, and 12 Step literature is rich with compassion and not nearly as confrontation as the culture that presently surrounds it in the vast majority of meetings I've belonged to.

I think the problem with most issues I have with this is that there is such a resistance and revilement of harm reduction in these groups that I rarely find in harm reduction communities, where more views are not just tolerated but promoted. Harm reduction promotes abstinence based philosophies - 12 Step models are harm reduction - but that reality is generally rejected by most old timers, who seem to have the most influence in the 12 Step community.

Compassion does include confrontation, it isn't very compassionate to enable a loved one. But being told the way you think doesn't work isn't very helpful. Or compassionate.

Thanks for the answers.
Right now he is trying his best to keep all deadlines and keep us up to date about his feelings.

I will follow the things about detachment and stop lying for him in any way. Same about money.

That is great news manof! Take care of yourself, you clearly want the best for your brother. Let us know how it goes. Changing long standing dynamics in relationships can be a challenge, but you can absolutely do it if you take the time to investigate your behavior and relationship with kindness as you have been doing with us here.

Keep up the great work!