Kallisti23
Bluelighter
Usage and recovery report 2018
There is a lot of writing, a lot of it probably unnecessary. I?m mainly doing it for myself so no need to read through all of it. I believe my addiction is largely psychological in nature due to some of the low doses being used, but also partly physical. I haven't started the process of quitting yet but have vowed to do so at the start of next week. Silly reason, but a friend is having a big birthday bash on the weekend, so I figure there?s no point before then. If anyone has any tips or advice for breaking the psychological aspect of addiction it would be appreciated.
I think a large part of my use stems from me being unhappy with the mundane nature of the world as it is, a longing for something more, boredom, and also trauma to do with the suicide of my younger sister. I tried to chart my usage over the last few weeks just to get a clear view of it. I attached it bellow for anyone interested. I thought that making quitting into a creative project through writing might help which is why I am starting this.
Any comments welcome.
Short summary:
I have been a daily opioid user, mainly in the form of Kratom and Codeine (but also occasionally heavier opiates) consistently for about 5 - 6 months, but on and off for about 5 years. I have also been addicted to Ketamine and Benzodiazepines in the past. Ketamine I used near daily for almost 2 years back in 2013 - 2015, both snorted and IM. Benzo's I quit after roughly a year long addiction this March, but have used them a few times sporadically since, and a lot more in the past 3 weeks. My other love has been psychedelics, which I see as substances with positive benefits. I have also been using these a lot over the last 4 years too but won't be talking about them here as I don't view them as being a part of my addiction. But my usage of downers has certainly negatively impacted what I can get out of psychedelics.
Long Background:
I am about to cut out all heavy narcotics, primarily opiates and benzodiazepines from my life, and felt that writing through it might help. Although I am not a particularly heavy user as can be seen by the usage chart below detailing my daily regimen for the past 3 weeks, I have been a habitual drug user and drinker for the past 4 years. Since my younger sister died of suicide in 2014 I don't think I have had more than at most one or two completely sober days. What I usually tend to count as a 'sober day' is a day where I only smoke cannabis. I haven't been heavily addicted to one substance the entire time but have alternated between various ones.
I spent almost two years using ketamine daily. I have been on and off codeine and other opiates for the entire time, not always using daily but cycling between daily use, quitting, using occasionally, and then using daily again. Had periods of near daily binge drinking. I also started using benzodiazepines occasionally after my sister died and fell in love with them. As a person already suffering from anxiety and going through grief their brain numbing, no-care, thought-negating effects where exactly what I was looking for. I didn't have easy access to them at the time, so my use was by default limited, even though I would use as often as I could. It was not until 2016 that I started using them far more regularly.
I left my job and went on a 3 month holiday to Thailand and Cambodia, partly to sort my head out and get away from my ketamine use which had been pretty heavy up to that point. It wasn't too long before I discovered the small family run pharmacies over there that would sell you Valium and tramadol without a script. At first, I didn't use it daily, but I started using it more and more anytime I travelled to a new place or had a moderately bad hangover, or just felt like a having a chill day. I was using Valium more than tramadol as I'm not too fond of it?s strange SSRI effects, although admittedly Valium negates that quite nicely.
By the time I got to Cambodia I was taking Valium almost every day, and when I discovered the drug-pusher chemists over there I added morphine to the mix.
When I got home I happened to get in contact with an old acquaintance of mine who just also happened to sell diazepam and alprazolam, often for a very cheap price. Essentially from there on I was addicted to benzodiazepines, I would take a one or two day break here and there convincing myself that because I could do that I wasn't addicted. But of course, the whole time I wasn't taking it was spent anticipating taking it. I wasn't taking a steady dose, it could vary from anything as low as 2.5mg diazepam up to 3mg alprazolam in a day. I had the occasional enforced break of a week or two here and there due to supply being cut, which I would fill by drinking and taking codeine.
This carried on for about a year until I started my first term of university last September (I'm going back as a mature student). I quit and relapsed several times throughout the first term and was in pretty much a constant state of withdrawal or use. I luckily somehow made it through with very good grades anyway. I finally quit benzodiazepines proper in March. I tapered myself down to 2.5mg diazepam a day until my supply ran out, and then in a very stupid move which actually somehow worked I smoked low doses of heroin to get through the acute withdrawals. As idiotic as this sounds it got me through the first two weeks which were the worst and I didn't end up continuing to use H, although I have used it a few more times sporadically since then. I have been using opioids consistently since then though, but mainly kratom and codeine which I would argue are less detrimental than heroin. Getting off benzodiazepines was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be from reading online. This could be due to me tapering down to using very low doses for the last month or so before it, but the acute symptoms (restless legs, bad sleep, anxiety, weird electrical sensations, sweating etc) only lasted about 2 weeks for me and not the fabled 3 months to a year some people talk about. Sure, there were residual effects for longer than that but nothing too bad. I'm sure this was greatly helped by my opioid use, which is obviously not a good way to go about it - swapping one addiction for another.
Since then I have had 4 - 5 sporadic high dose benzo binges. My very bad logic, that has worked to an extent, is that if I take all that I have in the space of a few days they won't be lying around to tempt me to take a little dose here and there. After around a month of not using benzos I have been binging a bit in the last 3 weeks as you can see below.
Alcohol dosage terms explained:
Low: 1 to 3 beers (or equivalent)
Moderate: 3 to 5 beers
High: 6+ beers
* The figures in the brackets indicate how the doses are split throughout the day.
Usage Chart:
I am a daily cannabis smoker so have not included that in the usage chart as it can be assumed to have been smoked throughout each day.
Tuesday 19/6: Codeine x 2 (50mg / 60mg), ketamine 70mg
Wednesday: Kratom x 2 (5g / 7g), wine (low)
Thursday: Kratom x 2 (3g / 4g), ketamine 30mg
Friday: Kratom x 2 (3g / 4g), alprazolam 2mg (1 / 1), wine (low)
Saturday: Kratom x 2 (4g / 4g), alprazolam 2.5mg (1.5 / 1), beer and rum (low moderate)
Sunday: Kratom x 2 (4g / 4g), beer (moderate)
25/7: I have no record of this next week as I stopped keeping one and it got a bit hazy, but I was taking roughly 12 - 15g Kratom split over 3 doses a day, drinking moderately to heavily every day, and took 5mg of alprazolam split over 2 or 3 of those days.
Tuesday 3/7: Kratom x 3 (3,4,6g), alprazolam 2.5mg (2/0.5), 5mg(?) 2cb
Wednesday: LSD microdose (6ug), Kratom x 3 (4,4,6), wine (heavy)
Thursday: Kratom x 3 (3,4,6g), alprazolam 4mg (2/1/1), Beer (?)
Friday: Kratom x 3 (4,4,6g) 3.5mg alprazolam (1.5/0.5/1), rum / beer (moderate?)
Saturday: Katom x 3 (4,4,6g), LSD microdose (12ug), 0.5mg alprazolam, beer (moderate)
Sunday: Kratom x 3 (4,4,4g), port wine (3/4 bottle)
Monday 2/7: Kratom x 3 (4/5/6g), diazepam 50mg (30/5/5/10), beer (moderate)
Tuesday: Kratom x 3 (3,5,6g), diazepam 30mg (15/15)
Wednesday: Kratom x 3 (4/5/6g), beer (high)
Thursday: Kratom (3/3/6), diazepam 35mg (30/5), beer (low)
Friday: Kratom (3/3/6), Codeine (75 / 120mg), beer (Moderate)
Saturday / Sunday: Kratom (3/3/3/4), 28 – 32mg 2cb (2 dabs aprox 16 / 12 mg?), beer / vodka (Extreme), 17mg diazepam (5/2/5/5)
Monday 9/7: Kratom (4/4/5), 15mg diazepam (5/5/5)
Tuesday: Kratom (2/5)
Wednesday: Kratom (1.5/3/3)
Thursday: Kratom (3/3/3g), beer x 3
Friday: Kratom (2.5/2.5/2.7)
Continued taper at Friday’s dose. I have also drunk a few beers, but no more than 4 in one day, and I only did that on one day. Usually I have only had one or two.
Tuesday 17/7: Reduced morning and midday kratom dose from 2.5g to 2g.
There is a lot of writing, a lot of it probably unnecessary. I?m mainly doing it for myself so no need to read through all of it. I believe my addiction is largely psychological in nature due to some of the low doses being used, but also partly physical. I haven't started the process of quitting yet but have vowed to do so at the start of next week. Silly reason, but a friend is having a big birthday bash on the weekend, so I figure there?s no point before then. If anyone has any tips or advice for breaking the psychological aspect of addiction it would be appreciated.
I think a large part of my use stems from me being unhappy with the mundane nature of the world as it is, a longing for something more, boredom, and also trauma to do with the suicide of my younger sister. I tried to chart my usage over the last few weeks just to get a clear view of it. I attached it bellow for anyone interested. I thought that making quitting into a creative project through writing might help which is why I am starting this.
Any comments welcome.
Short summary:
I have been a daily opioid user, mainly in the form of Kratom and Codeine (but also occasionally heavier opiates) consistently for about 5 - 6 months, but on and off for about 5 years. I have also been addicted to Ketamine and Benzodiazepines in the past. Ketamine I used near daily for almost 2 years back in 2013 - 2015, both snorted and IM. Benzo's I quit after roughly a year long addiction this March, but have used them a few times sporadically since, and a lot more in the past 3 weeks. My other love has been psychedelics, which I see as substances with positive benefits. I have also been using these a lot over the last 4 years too but won't be talking about them here as I don't view them as being a part of my addiction. But my usage of downers has certainly negatively impacted what I can get out of psychedelics.
Long Background:
I am about to cut out all heavy narcotics, primarily opiates and benzodiazepines from my life, and felt that writing through it might help. Although I am not a particularly heavy user as can be seen by the usage chart below detailing my daily regimen for the past 3 weeks, I have been a habitual drug user and drinker for the past 4 years. Since my younger sister died of suicide in 2014 I don't think I have had more than at most one or two completely sober days. What I usually tend to count as a 'sober day' is a day where I only smoke cannabis. I haven't been heavily addicted to one substance the entire time but have alternated between various ones.
I spent almost two years using ketamine daily. I have been on and off codeine and other opiates for the entire time, not always using daily but cycling between daily use, quitting, using occasionally, and then using daily again. Had periods of near daily binge drinking. I also started using benzodiazepines occasionally after my sister died and fell in love with them. As a person already suffering from anxiety and going through grief their brain numbing, no-care, thought-negating effects where exactly what I was looking for. I didn't have easy access to them at the time, so my use was by default limited, even though I would use as often as I could. It was not until 2016 that I started using them far more regularly.
I left my job and went on a 3 month holiday to Thailand and Cambodia, partly to sort my head out and get away from my ketamine use which had been pretty heavy up to that point. It wasn't too long before I discovered the small family run pharmacies over there that would sell you Valium and tramadol without a script. At first, I didn't use it daily, but I started using it more and more anytime I travelled to a new place or had a moderately bad hangover, or just felt like a having a chill day. I was using Valium more than tramadol as I'm not too fond of it?s strange SSRI effects, although admittedly Valium negates that quite nicely.
By the time I got to Cambodia I was taking Valium almost every day, and when I discovered the drug-pusher chemists over there I added morphine to the mix.
When I got home I happened to get in contact with an old acquaintance of mine who just also happened to sell diazepam and alprazolam, often for a very cheap price. Essentially from there on I was addicted to benzodiazepines, I would take a one or two day break here and there convincing myself that because I could do that I wasn't addicted. But of course, the whole time I wasn't taking it was spent anticipating taking it. I wasn't taking a steady dose, it could vary from anything as low as 2.5mg diazepam up to 3mg alprazolam in a day. I had the occasional enforced break of a week or two here and there due to supply being cut, which I would fill by drinking and taking codeine.
This carried on for about a year until I started my first term of university last September (I'm going back as a mature student). I quit and relapsed several times throughout the first term and was in pretty much a constant state of withdrawal or use. I luckily somehow made it through with very good grades anyway. I finally quit benzodiazepines proper in March. I tapered myself down to 2.5mg diazepam a day until my supply ran out, and then in a very stupid move which actually somehow worked I smoked low doses of heroin to get through the acute withdrawals. As idiotic as this sounds it got me through the first two weeks which were the worst and I didn't end up continuing to use H, although I have used it a few more times sporadically since then. I have been using opioids consistently since then though, but mainly kratom and codeine which I would argue are less detrimental than heroin. Getting off benzodiazepines was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be from reading online. This could be due to me tapering down to using very low doses for the last month or so before it, but the acute symptoms (restless legs, bad sleep, anxiety, weird electrical sensations, sweating etc) only lasted about 2 weeks for me and not the fabled 3 months to a year some people talk about. Sure, there were residual effects for longer than that but nothing too bad. I'm sure this was greatly helped by my opioid use, which is obviously not a good way to go about it - swapping one addiction for another.
Since then I have had 4 - 5 sporadic high dose benzo binges. My very bad logic, that has worked to an extent, is that if I take all that I have in the space of a few days they won't be lying around to tempt me to take a little dose here and there. After around a month of not using benzos I have been binging a bit in the last 3 weeks as you can see below.
Alcohol dosage terms explained:
Low: 1 to 3 beers (or equivalent)
Moderate: 3 to 5 beers
High: 6+ beers
* The figures in the brackets indicate how the doses are split throughout the day.
Usage Chart:
I am a daily cannabis smoker so have not included that in the usage chart as it can be assumed to have been smoked throughout each day.
Tuesday 19/6: Codeine x 2 (50mg / 60mg), ketamine 70mg
Wednesday: Kratom x 2 (5g / 7g), wine (low)
Thursday: Kratom x 2 (3g / 4g), ketamine 30mg
Friday: Kratom x 2 (3g / 4g), alprazolam 2mg (1 / 1), wine (low)
Saturday: Kratom x 2 (4g / 4g), alprazolam 2.5mg (1.5 / 1), beer and rum (low moderate)
Sunday: Kratom x 2 (4g / 4g), beer (moderate)
25/7: I have no record of this next week as I stopped keeping one and it got a bit hazy, but I was taking roughly 12 - 15g Kratom split over 3 doses a day, drinking moderately to heavily every day, and took 5mg of alprazolam split over 2 or 3 of those days.
Tuesday 3/7: Kratom x 3 (3,4,6g), alprazolam 2.5mg (2/0.5), 5mg(?) 2cb
Wednesday: LSD microdose (6ug), Kratom x 3 (4,4,6), wine (heavy)
Thursday: Kratom x 3 (3,4,6g), alprazolam 4mg (2/1/1), Beer (?)
Friday: Kratom x 3 (4,4,6g) 3.5mg alprazolam (1.5/0.5/1), rum / beer (moderate?)
Saturday: Katom x 3 (4,4,6g), LSD microdose (12ug), 0.5mg alprazolam, beer (moderate)
Sunday: Kratom x 3 (4,4,4g), port wine (3/4 bottle)
Monday 2/7: Kratom x 3 (4/5/6g), diazepam 50mg (30/5/5/10), beer (moderate)
Tuesday: Kratom x 3 (3,5,6g), diazepam 30mg (15/15)
Wednesday: Kratom x 3 (4/5/6g), beer (high)
Thursday: Kratom (3/3/6), diazepam 35mg (30/5), beer (low)
Friday: Kratom (3/3/6), Codeine (75 / 120mg), beer (Moderate)
Saturday / Sunday: Kratom (3/3/3/4), 28 – 32mg 2cb (2 dabs aprox 16 / 12 mg?), beer / vodka (Extreme), 17mg diazepam (5/2/5/5)
Monday 9/7: Kratom (4/4/5), 15mg diazepam (5/5/5)
Tuesday: Kratom (2/5)
Wednesday: Kratom (1.5/3/3)
Thursday: Kratom (3/3/3g), beer x 3
Friday: Kratom (2.5/2.5/2.7)
Continued taper at Friday’s dose. I have also drunk a few beers, but no more than 4 in one day, and I only did that on one day. Usually I have only had one or two.
Tuesday 17/7: Reduced morning and midday kratom dose from 2.5g to 2g.
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