VisionsOfJohanna
Greenlighter
So I am basically just looking for an outside opinion of what is going on here. I am 20 years old. Over the last couple years I have pretty much been in a fog. It goes in spurts where I am either massively depressive, or just very emotionally numb. These spurts last for months at a time, and there isn't really any events that seem to set them off. Hell, I even had my grandmother die right in the middle of one of my "numb" periods and I didn't feel a damn thing until months later when my mood shifted downward. I live every day as if I am looking at my life like a play or movie, and figuring out what I should be doing to fit the part. I'm sure that doesn't make any sense to anyone, but it is driving me insane. I thought it was just depression for a while, but I really think it is more than that. When I'm not depressed, I have no emotion at all. I honestly do not remember the last time I felt positive emotions. I wouldn't have bothered posting anything at all except that it is starting to severely affect my productivity. I am in college, and I can't seem to stay focused for more than a week at a time. I will have a week where I am extremely productive and focused, and then I just drop off the table and can't get myself to do anything except drink and sleep. Then I eventually move into a numb period and have this total apathy towards everything and am completely alienating my friends. I can see it happening, but I just have no idea what the hell it is. I'm not just lazy or dumb. This semester I pulled off a 4.0, so I know I'm not a total lost cause, but last semester my grades were shit because I just couldn't feel anything. And now that Im slipping back into that apathy, I'm pretty sure my grades will sink again no matter what I try to tell myself now. I continue to drink a lot and basically do anything to try to produce that depressive state (as ridiculous as that may seem) because as long as i can feel SOMETHING I can stay some what motivated. I know a lot of this pretty much goes against most common sense explanations. I know I'm not bipolar because there is no mania. I don't think it is depression, because my depressive periods are also accompanied by some level of productivity. And it is not just regular sadness. Sadness doesn't persist for this long over nothing. I can't put everything here or else it would be too long and no one would read it, but I was hospitalized at one point about a year ago for attempting suicide. I am not near that again yet, but I would like to at least figure out what the hell is going on. I have talked to counsellors and such, but no one really does anything to offer any sort of help. So that's that I guess.
