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Bluelight Crew
I'm doing something this time around I've never done before, keeping a journal to record the thoughts and epiphanies that come to me during therapy, meditation/Dharma lessons at the Vajrapana Kadampa Buddhist Meditation Center in my city, and Refuge Recovery meetings. Whatever I think might be worthwhile to others, I'll post here:
"One of the key things to understand is that everything is constantly changing, both inside and outside of us. Our very bodies are in a constant state of change. First we grow up, then we grow old, then we die, and our bodies continue to change and decay. On the physical level, this is obvious to most. But mentally, it can come as breaking news. All sensations, emotions, moods, experiences and relationships are ephemeral. They have a beginning, a middle and an end. Nothing lasts, nothing is permanent, just the rising and passing of phenomena in the body. As we all discovered as addicts, it is impossible to maintain a permanent state of intoxication. That was not our failure as addicts. It wasn't because we weren't smart or rich enough. It was because it is impossible to win the battle against impermanence." --Noah Levine, Refuge Recovery, pp. 31-32
How true. Remember when we no longer use for euphoria, but instead just to feel normal? The very definition of impermanent.
I had severe anxiety bordering on panic yesterday toward the end of the workday. I don't know why yet, but my therapist said that feelings don't arise in a vacuum, so it's up to me to dedicate some quiet time to myself and figure out what brought it on. It was tempting to pop a few benzos (hey, they're prescribed, after all). Ok, well, I took one. It only made me slightly less anxious but didn't make it go away. What did make it go away was reflecting on this passage from RR and sharing at a meeting that it was a timely lesson that this mental state won't last forever, even though when you're in the middle of it, it feels like it's going to last forever, or at the very least, it can't end soon enough.
Another thing from a recent Dharma lesson: doing something that benefits someone materially is transitory, but sending love and compassion out into the world in your meditation is not. Not to say that you shouldn't aid others when they are genuine; to say that you'll send them love and compassion while meditating (and not helping) is a cop out. I work in the education sector, so I don't make a shit ton of money. But I was coming out of Dunkin' Donuts last month when I was approached by a homeless man and I regurgitated my usual response of "I don't carry cash" (which is true). He looked so hurt, I asked him if he was hungry and he said he just wanted to get something to eat for him and his wife until he got his SNAP card from his social worker. I told him I honestly did not have cash, but I would be happy to buy him a meal. We went back into the DD, and he said "Just get whatever's cheap." I didn't. Knowing that calories count when you don't know when your next meal is going to be, I got him two of the most caloric breakfast sandwiches on the menu, plus two hash browns.
"One of the key things to understand is that everything is constantly changing, both inside and outside of us. Our very bodies are in a constant state of change. First we grow up, then we grow old, then we die, and our bodies continue to change and decay. On the physical level, this is obvious to most. But mentally, it can come as breaking news. All sensations, emotions, moods, experiences and relationships are ephemeral. They have a beginning, a middle and an end. Nothing lasts, nothing is permanent, just the rising and passing of phenomena in the body. As we all discovered as addicts, it is impossible to maintain a permanent state of intoxication. That was not our failure as addicts. It wasn't because we weren't smart or rich enough. It was because it is impossible to win the battle against impermanence." --Noah Levine, Refuge Recovery, pp. 31-32
How true. Remember when we no longer use for euphoria, but instead just to feel normal? The very definition of impermanent.
I had severe anxiety bordering on panic yesterday toward the end of the workday. I don't know why yet, but my therapist said that feelings don't arise in a vacuum, so it's up to me to dedicate some quiet time to myself and figure out what brought it on. It was tempting to pop a few benzos (hey, they're prescribed, after all). Ok, well, I took one. It only made me slightly less anxious but didn't make it go away. What did make it go away was reflecting on this passage from RR and sharing at a meeting that it was a timely lesson that this mental state won't last forever, even though when you're in the middle of it, it feels like it's going to last forever, or at the very least, it can't end soon enough.
Another thing from a recent Dharma lesson: doing something that benefits someone materially is transitory, but sending love and compassion out into the world in your meditation is not. Not to say that you shouldn't aid others when they are genuine; to say that you'll send them love and compassion while meditating (and not helping) is a cop out. I work in the education sector, so I don't make a shit ton of money. But I was coming out of Dunkin' Donuts last month when I was approached by a homeless man and I regurgitated my usual response of "I don't carry cash" (which is true). He looked so hurt, I asked him if he was hungry and he said he just wanted to get something to eat for him and his wife until he got his SNAP card from his social worker. I told him I honestly did not have cash, but I would be happy to buy him a meal. We went back into the DD, and he said "Just get whatever's cheap." I didn't. Knowing that calories count when you don't know when your next meal is going to be, I got him two of the most caloric breakfast sandwiches on the menu, plus two hash browns.
