I’ve lived with my boyfriend for 5 years. He has always had difficulty maintaining a healthy work-life balance, but in the last few years the amount of time he spends working has increased hugely. He starts at 8:30am and is very rarely home before 8. He often stays in the office until 10pm or later. He been involved in projects that have seen him work 14 to 20 hours a day for 7 days straight, and he never received or requested any extra financial compensation. He is constantly late for engagements outside of work due to being held back at the office.
Most nights when he gets home he sits with his laptop and works until well after midnight. He responds to work calls and e-mails after hours, on weekends and days off. If he’s not actually working, he’s talking or thinking about work, and on the occasions where he gives himself “down time” he mostly just wants to sleep. He never exercises and looks tired and run down all the time.
He has other interests that he used to be extremely passionate about but now he never has time for them, which I find incredibly sad. I need to organise all our social outings otherwise he would barely see or talk to anyone outside of his work colleagues. He doesn’t even try to keep on top of his other “life duties”.
My boyfriend finds his work enjoyable, interesting, challenging, and is proud of his achievements. He needs to see every task through to completion then and there, feel in control, and constantly prove his worth to himself to others. A few (but not all) of his colleagues have a similar attitude and believe obsessive dedication is just a normal part of their industry. However, there are plenty of people in similar roles who are able to achieve a more balanced lifestyle.
I know he would ideally like to have a life less dominated by work, but he is so mired in routine, and since he gets genuine satisfaction from what he does, he doesn’t feel any urgent need to change. It affects the amount and the quality of the time we spend together, causes constant tension in our relationship, impacts on our sex life and is taking a physical toll on him (low energy, poor eating/sleeping habits, RSI, back pain, headaches). If I mention my boyfriend’s work obsession, he says that I’m too controlling/demanding and that I should be more supportive of that fact that his career is going so well. He knows his behaviour is somewhat unhealthy, but he believes the personal fulfilment he gets from it makes it worth it.
I feel like he’s committed himself to carry on doing the same thing until he completely burns himself out. Is it possible for people to break out of these behaviours if they’re “basically happy” with them? Can anything be done undo obsessive behaviour like this, or is it going to come down “just let him live his life and if I don’t like it, get out?” I know I’m spending too much time berating him out of frustration and it’s completely unconstructive and makes us both feel terrible, so what should I really be doing to help this situation?
Most nights when he gets home he sits with his laptop and works until well after midnight. He responds to work calls and e-mails after hours, on weekends and days off. If he’s not actually working, he’s talking or thinking about work, and on the occasions where he gives himself “down time” he mostly just wants to sleep. He never exercises and looks tired and run down all the time.
He has other interests that he used to be extremely passionate about but now he never has time for them, which I find incredibly sad. I need to organise all our social outings otherwise he would barely see or talk to anyone outside of his work colleagues. He doesn’t even try to keep on top of his other “life duties”.
My boyfriend finds his work enjoyable, interesting, challenging, and is proud of his achievements. He needs to see every task through to completion then and there, feel in control, and constantly prove his worth to himself to others. A few (but not all) of his colleagues have a similar attitude and believe obsessive dedication is just a normal part of their industry. However, there are plenty of people in similar roles who are able to achieve a more balanced lifestyle.
I know he would ideally like to have a life less dominated by work, but he is so mired in routine, and since he gets genuine satisfaction from what he does, he doesn’t feel any urgent need to change. It affects the amount and the quality of the time we spend together, causes constant tension in our relationship, impacts on our sex life and is taking a physical toll on him (low energy, poor eating/sleeping habits, RSI, back pain, headaches). If I mention my boyfriend’s work obsession, he says that I’m too controlling/demanding and that I should be more supportive of that fact that his career is going so well. He knows his behaviour is somewhat unhealthy, but he believes the personal fulfilment he gets from it makes it worth it.
I feel like he’s committed himself to carry on doing the same thing until he completely burns himself out. Is it possible for people to break out of these behaviours if they’re “basically happy” with them? Can anything be done undo obsessive behaviour like this, or is it going to come down “just let him live his life and if I don’t like it, get out?” I know I’m spending too much time berating him out of frustration and it’s completely unconstructive and makes us both feel terrible, so what should I really be doing to help this situation?
