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boyfriend doesnt wanna do anything

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swangin12

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 12, 2014
Messages
12
my bf and i have been together for almost 3 years and have lived together for about 2

he plays games and smokes weed all the time, works like 3-4 days part time. I talked to him today about me feeling bored and how we never actually spend time together.. i always suggest things we can do, things that dont necessarily cost money. But he always says no. I asked him to chill and watch a movie with me and he got mad and said he doesnt want to do anything i wanna do and acted as if me asking him to watch a movie is taking all his time. His idea of us spending together is us living together, he doesnt get that seeing each other everyday is not the same thing as spending time together.

i work full time, and when im not at work im mostly at the gym or with a friend. i usually see my bf in the mornings and at night. We are still very affectionate with each other and we still have sex, but idk, idk how he is comfortable not doing a single thing with me besides sex and cuddling and just spending his time on games.

is it wrong for me to ask him to do somethi.g withme or take me out once in a while?? whats he getting mad for and acting like im trying to whip him? he helps me out with money sometimes, like for things like food, but just because he offers to help me out, is it wrong for me to expect more from him? Im thankful for the things he helps me out with from time to time, but idk.. sometimes i think why have a girlfriend if you refuse to spend time with her or do anyrhing she likes unless if she wants to game with you?

Ugh idk what to do. I love him, does that mean i should just accept this..?
 
Swangin12- If I didn't know better I would swear you are describing my relationship with my boyfriend! We've been dating for a little over two years and have been living together for about a year and a half. The only difference is we recently had a baby.

He never wants to do ANYTHING except play Xbox, smoke weed (which I have nothing against, I used to smoke more than him - I just can't right now because it has been giving me anxiety. I plan to try again in the near future), and watch TV. Don't get me wrong, I like to chill out and watch TV too occasionally, but it feels like that is all we ever do. Like you said, it's getting boring! When I ask him if he'd like to do something like go out and see a movie, go to the park with our daughter, go shopping, play disc golf, etc. he says no. Sometimes when he's really into a game he's playing on Xbox and I ask him if he wants to hang out he gets mad... and that really pisses me off. He's not the most affectionate guy as far as cuddling, holding hands, and PDA. We do have sex on a "regular" basis (I want to every day - multiple times a day would be Even better) but I always have to initiate and he's not in the mood a good portion of the time. We have a phenomenal sexual connection though. I can't get enough of it with him.

I'm sorry for hijacking your post OP! I jjust had to explain how similar our relationships are. My boyfriend and I had a really horrible fight last week. After we made up we decided to make a list of things we both need to work on to help our relationship better. One of the things on the list was going out more often and spending more quality time together. So far nothing has changed... but he is working on other things that were on the list so I have high hopes that we start doing more things together soon. I hope it doesn't take a fight for your man to realize how important your request to spend more quality time together is. I would try sitting him down and explaining how you feel. Don't come at him like you're upset, just tell him how much you miss hanging out with him; and that just because you live together doesn't mean the only time you spend hanging out is at home in between work and sleeping. I hope things get better. I completely understand what you're going through!!
 
TacototheCloud said:
Swangin12- If I didn't know better I would swear you are describing my relationship with my boyfriend! We've been dating for a little over two years and have been living together for about a year and a half. The only difference is we recently had a baby.

He never wants to do ANYTHING except play Xbox, smoke weed (which I have nothing against, I used to smoke more than him - I just can't right now because it has been giving me anxiety. I plan to try again in the near future), and watch TV. Don't get me wrong, I like to chill out and watch TV too occasionally, but it feels like that is all we ever do. Like you said, it's getting boring! When I ask him if he'd like to do something like go out and see a movie, go to the park with our daughter, go shopping, play disc golf, etc. he says no. Sometimes when he's really into a game he's playing on Xbox and I ask him if he wants to hang out he gets mad... and that really pisses me off. He's not the most affectionate guy as far as cuddling, holding hands, and PDA. We do have sex on a "regular" basis (I want to every day - multiple times a day would be Even better) but I always have to initiate and he's not in the mood a good portion of the time. We have a phenomenal sexual connection though. I can't get enough of it with him.

I'm sorry for hijacking your post OP! I jjust had to explain how similar our relationships are. My boyfriend and I had a really horrible fight last week. After we made up we decided to make a list of things we both need to work on to help our relationship better. One of the things on the list was going out more often and spending more quality time together. So far nothing has changed... but he is working on other things that were on the list so I have high hopes that we start doing more things together soon. I hope it doesn't take a fight for your man to realize how important your request to spend more quality time together is. I would try sitting him down and explaining how you feel. Don't come at him like you're upset, just tell him how much you miss hanging out with him; and that just because you live together doesn't mean the only time you spend hanging out is at home in between work and sleeping. I hope things get better. I completely understand what you're going through!!
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Damn you guys got a kid, i hope hes been a good father at least :/

and yeah tonight i calmly talked to him about my feelings. Tbh i have brought this up a couple times in the past. He has the tendency to take it the wrong way like i am bossing him around. I think his issues with his narcissistic mother are translating into our relationship... meaning he feels like his masculinity is being threatened when he has to compromise or give in to the things i wanna do because he is so used to being driven crazy by his whackjob of a mom. Idk... he just equates us living together to spending time w each other when its not the same thing. i feel anxious whenever i bring this up because he just ends up victimizing myself and makes excuses like hes sooo busy when really he isnt. He says im making him feel bad, he feels insulted, etc.
 
Yes :D we have an 8 month old daughter! He is an amazing father to her. I know having a child plays a part in our ability to have quality one on one time together, however, he was this way long before she was born.

I'm glad you spoke with him about this... I take it that it didn't go so well though based on what you said next about how he reacts when you bring things like this to his attention? I know from first hand experience exactly what you're describing:( He's gotten a bit better about it, but my bf can get extremely defensive and turn into a complete asshat when I bring things like this up. He says I'm criticizing him. Its gotten pretty ridiculous in the past. I would get so exhausted from attempting to explain myself that I would give up and walk away defeated. I stopped playing into his ego trips a while ago. Now I just tell him he's right and walk away lol. Later on he comes to me and we have an actual conversation about the issue. Don't let your man get you off track by sucking you into his pity parties. I know it's hard, but trust me you'll just end up talking in circles and never getting your message heard if you do this. My bf has his own share of mother related issues. He refuses to talk about them though. All I know is she was abusive towards him when he was a child and he hasn't seen her since he was 15 by choice. In regards to both of their histories, these are deep seated issues that, imo, can only be worked through by a therapist (my bf refuses to see one). Over time I came to realize that this is a part of him that I can't change and will accept because I love him. I'm not saying you are obligated to do the same by any means! How old is he if you don't mind me asking?
 
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Weed, video games, and sex. Sounds like some kind of teenage dream. Maybe he'll grow up some day.
 
If hes been doin the same thing for 3 years hes not goin to change..if he loved u he would make an effort sounds like ur his fuck buddy roommate..He is a child if he chooses to play video games and not take out his gf and show her a great time especially if he works the hours of a high school work study program:|
 
yeah I really don't understand why he wouldn't even watch a movie with you, I mean literally just put the controller down for 2 hours and spend some quality time... not like he even has to leave the house.

I'm a married man myself, been with my wife for over 13 years now, married for 3, lived together for 5-6. I can't relate to the gaming thing so much, I mean I play xbox from time to time, but I am not a "gamer" so to speak. but I don't see what his deal is, I'm saying he doesn't even have to move from where he is already at. just exchanging the video game for a movie.... that's some lazy shit. unless he's truly addicted to the games, which is a real thing, I don't see why it should be that big of a problem.
 
What was the movie? Do you have a movie you both watched together in the past? Find similar activities, you might not believe it but guys like Nerdy things.
 
Sounds like hes just become your grade A stereotypical stoner.
No real motivation to do anything but play video games and smoke weed.
Don't get me wrong, not everyone who smokes pot is like that, but some people get stuck in that frame of mind.

I have a friend who's the same. Never does anything with his girlfriend, just smokes weed and plays video games. Heck even if I ask him to do anything that doesn't involve smoking weed or playing video games, he says no.
 
This sounds like a good description of the modern day man-child, he who lacks self-discipline, avoids all responsibility and and has zero motivation for self-improvement.. caught somewhere in the transition between childhood and adulthood.

You're not wrong for expecting more.. he should expect more of himself. The fact he feels insulted when you ask him to spend time together suggests to me that he is likely in a deep place of self-pity about his life and is using the marijuana and video games as a distraction.. when you speak to him you bring it back up to the surface.

Should you accept it? Fuck no. Set the standard.. if this is bothering you now, it will eat you alive later on.. if you care for him you need to give him an incentive to improve his life not encourage it because right now he's very comfortable.

I use to be a massive gamer and was utterly addicted.. i spent entire days on games, i was never into weed but i was heavily addicted to gaming, junk food and worked just enough each week to get by on expenses, super part-time. I had no desire for self-improvement and couldn't wait to zone out from reality and immerse myself within an MMORPG, there's nothing wrong with this unless it begins to dominate and have a negative impact on your life.

Funnily enough women and travel became the inspiration for me to change my life, i wanted sex bad enough that i put all my energy into myself and changing my habits, and i wanted to see more of the world while i was still young which forced me to get serious about work and saving money. This guy is in a far worse position because he already has access to sex im presuming.. so he has food, shelter, sex and entertainment, what he needs is a goal greater then himself..

You'll piss him off to no end to ask him questions about his goals or ambitions in life, but you'll know that's the root issue he's suppressing. If you love him, help him.. but don't put up with it, because it will just fester over time.
 
I totally agree with all the comments...especially the last one. You should not waste time (like I did) on a guy that you're not having FUN with.
 
A strong psychadelic, therapeutic MDxx, 2C-E or 25i-nbome would enable you to go in depth to the root of your relationship (past, present and future), i just hope the outcome is for the best... (you need to understand and be at ease with these psychs though)

Remember the importance of favorising communication in the relationship... (i m not an expert in medium/long serious relationships, but am getting a good idea...)
 
Some ppl do struggle after teen years also any mental disorders even insomnia can affect ppl also some fear what they haven't done or do not know including working too much as a relationship these days can be very tiring as a man or women depending on which way the relationship goes .
 
421 said:
In the long run you start regretting missed opportunities.
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i think lots of guys with wives and kids and a house and job and car... would love to sit at home and play video games and smoke pot. everyone is missing out on something. and everyone is living someones dream.
 
malakaix said:
Funnily enough women and travel became the inspiration for me to change my life, i wanted sex bad enough that i put all my energy into myself and changing my habits, . This guy is in a far worse position because he already has access to sex im presuming.. so he has food, shelter, sex and entertainment, what he needs is a goal greater then himself..
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This is absolutely true and OP should take it into consideration.
Enabling women is the worst thing an addict of any sort can have in his life to feel comfortable in his current situation and never feel that he has to change.

Im am an addict and even though i realise that 99% is all up to me,the fact that my gf of 5years is preety much "too easy" on me regarding my addiction is another big reason i wont/cant/dont want to change or improve.
My drug situation is way worse than that of OPs bf but im a preety big gamer myself,and beside those 2 "hobbies" and playing cards i preety much do nothing else these days.
My gf has no relation to drugs,she barely drinks alcohol but since im still a relatively "functioning" addict she isnt bothered very much by my drug use.She says she does and claims that believes in me that im gonna change one day but she doesnt do a thing to push me or motivate me.

I gotta be honest,having sex whenever i want and her always being around to hang out(we live together) is surely making me feel alot less of a loser than i really am.Sounds harsh but truth is that doing drugs all day while playing poker or video games all day isnt so "cool" if you dont have a female who tolerates all kind on stuff around.

Be straight up with him,show him that he has to be willing to change his bad habits(just like you should be too) and "reward" him generously for trying.Make him realize that youre not just a "sure thing" always waiting for him nearby,respect has to be won and right now youre not doing much to get it from him.
 
yeah i agree with others, if he has been that way for 2-3 years, he isnt going to change i dont think..he is stuck in the rut of games and smoking weed..i know a fair amount of guys that do the same thing..u cant make him change so i wouldnt know what to do in this situation..

strangely enough there is a girl im talking to and when i met her, i could tell she smoked pot, no big deal but im not a smoker so whatever..the more i hang out with her the more i realize her main activity in life is smoking weed..she does work and has a kid but beyond that, she smokes weed...she isnt into videogames(lol) or even watching movies tbh or doing much of anything but getting baked and sitting on the couch..this is what has kept me from trying to go out with her as sitting on a couch getting high is fun but not every single night..that is beyond boring..
 
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