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both lifes suck

jones-in_J

jones-in_J

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2012
Messages
1,521
Location
Baltimore. Spending my rent money on filipino hook
Whats up guys. So i was gonna make a post earlier about how sixk i am of life kn heroin and every day being groundhog day, doing the same thing over and over again.

Then i realized i fucking hate life off heroin too. Like today im about 30 hours off dope right now and i seriously want to (not literally) kill my fuckin mom. I hate livimg wigh her and i hate just about everything about her. She fucking nags about everything from me smoking cigs to not doing enough around the house amd whenecer i do do something... like today i mowed the grass and all she can say is good i woulda been pissed if u didnt and made a comment about the neighbors son cutting the neighbors yard better.

I get paid at midnight in four hours but since i took an 8mgin suboxone about 8 hours ago itd be pointless to try to get high before tomorrow anyway or i probably would tonight

I remember life being a lot better in the year i was off dope but some aspects of it didnt get to wjere i wanted fast enough like in terms of a girlfriend and getting my own place to live so i guess thats why i returnee to this life.

Im just fucking sick of it
 
hey man,

sorry things aren't going so hot for you..I bet it's hard as hell living with your mom. I know i couldn't go back to my parents house, even though we all get along fine...sounds like you're stuck in a rut, and you need to gtfo..

any plans to get out on ur own?hope things look up for you soon..
 
My paycheck comes into my bank account in 3 hours. If i didnt take 8mg suboxone this morning id go get dope

My mom just came upstairs bitching me out for never going to na when im already starting an outpatient thing next wek to shut her up. Ive been to NA and it didnt fuckin work for me, nor does her bitcbing do anything to help

And whenecer i bring up anything wrong she does instesd of apolofizing she always finss a way to try and justify it all
 
No pleasing mom huh? Sux man..parents are hard 2 deal with a lot of the time..any prospect of getting your own place?
 
Not really, shits expensive in maryland so affording my own place would be really really hard

And the last time i had 3 "friends" as room mates they all jumped me and stole my shit so ill never get a room mate again except a girlfriend but dont have one now and have t in a long time

Actually just tried to call heroin dealer sinxe my check came thru but his phones off for literally the first time ever... maybe he got busted and its a blessing in disguise... cuz his shits so good and cheap that i wont waste my $ fucjin with anyone else so if hes gone i wouldnt bother getting smack any more.
 
hey man, i wouldn't sweat that @ all.. we all have to unload @ some point no matter what it is.

Maryland huh, yeah sounds expensive...I did the roommate thing in college, it didn't turn out as bad as your story but still bad non the less..Id have to get even for that shit though..some1 would have some busted ass knee caps..
pm me if you ever want to unload :)
 
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Yeah, man, it sounds like you're in a rut, much like the rest of us I'd imagine. And, much like myself, you don't seem to have all that stellar a relationship with your mother either -- although, admittedly, my relationship with my mother has gotten better somewhat as of just recently.

But yeah, being in a rut is exactly what you've just described. At the end of the day, nothing really seems to matter, right? It's like, yeah, maybe you're off drugs, doing all the right things, going through all the motions or whatever, but, at the end of the day, you're still broke, unhappy, and your relationship with your mother still sucks and so nothing really seems to have changed.

Man, that's how I feel sometimes, most of the time, even. But there's hope for us, and I believe that things will get better; things have to get different, at least, and so the likelihood of things getting better when things are already bad has got to be, well, more likely... right?
 
I have chosen to be homeless in the past instead of living with my parents, so I cannot blame how you feel man.

Just try to keep your chin up, and think about the great things you have in life and will have as time goes on. :)
 
Dude honestly i've been through the same thing, and the true answer?

Just placate her. Just do w/e the fuck she wants. Bite your tongue when you want to argue, and just say "Ok sure."

Seriously. That is my entire trick. I bite my tongue and nod my head and go "Yeah sure uh huh yup whatever you want mom."

Moms riding you about going to an NA meeting? Say yeah ok and GO. Mom's riding you about not filling out that form? Say yeah ok and do it. Moms riding you about not cleaning your fucking room? Say yeah ok and do it.

Its a helpful lesson in humility IMO. Part of recovery is learning to do what you NEED to do, not what you WANT to do. In this case it sounds like what you need to do is the small, trivial crap she asks. I mean consider this man: you fucked with her mind for how long? Think about how much worry she has had for you, how much fear, how sad she is that her kid is so sick and needs help. And even if she is just a straight bitch and does NOT see it that way: just think of how much fucking easier it will be if you shut up and do what she says.

Just do it that way for awhile. It sucks I know, you are on the edge b/c of quitting opiates (b/c as I have said earlier, opiates would make you ok with the world burning around you), so its gonna be rough. You ARE going to be edgy, irritable, etc etc etc, on suboxone or not, b/c of the changes you've made.

BUT just bite your tongue bro, you are NOT doing yourself any favors by arguing with her, trust me on that one. And if you bite your tongue and agree and do w/e she wants for awhile, after X amount of time she will not be riding your ass so hard. Trust me. You are just shooting yourself in the foot by arguing with her back and fourth..

You cannot argue/convince someone who thinks illogically and irrationally, with logic and rationality.

As for what verso said, its true...AT FIRST. But as I've told you J, it gets exponentially better. Its been almost half a year since my last slip, over 9 months since i started working an Outpatient (and at the time did my 90 in 90), and I literally could not be in a better place mentally spiritually emotionally, etc. Financially? I am in a shit place. I am poor as shit and still live at home with my insane mother and recovering alcoholic father. And I too know what its like to not be able to afford to move out: I live in fucking NY, which along with CA is the most expensive state to live in (want a prime example? Pack of cigarettes: 11-13$). BUT that doesn't matter. I am happy, and thinks keep getting better, and better, and better.

Keep doing the right thing and it will pay off, trust me man. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Alls I need from you is a little trust and faith. You've had faith in dope before, but now i'm asking you to put your faith in doing the right thing. Yes it feels mundane for AWHILE, for so long. It passes and gets better.

PS: also another reason to say FUCK YOU to dope. You think you'll ever be able to afford to move out if you keep doing skag? Just more ammunition i put in my arsenal: I want to GTFO as badly as you do, and heroin is not gonna allow me to.
 
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You ever think maybe your mom has the right to nag you.

You are living under her roof and using heroin in her house. Its time you get your priorties straight. Dont go out and blow all your money on dope, live in your moms house, then come here and bitch how your mom nags you.

Stop using heroin and being a loser and your mom wont nag you, Plain and simple.

Also its your choice to live there. Move out if you dont like it.

Sorry but the truth is the truth.
 
eat my ass sececard. then i'll eat your moms, cuz as we all have learned on this forum i like to do that kind of thing

thanks everyone else for replies. didn't get dope last night and got my shit outta the pawn shop today and feel better for it. hopefully my dealers number stays off for my futures sake cuz my willpower ATM isn't enough to stop by itself
 
Jones the truth hurts dont it buddy

Us as addicts we hate hearing the truth.

We want to look at everyone and everything as the problem, when the real problem is Heroin.
 
yea you were just a dick about how you put it

people like you is why i hate narcotics anonymous. while some real cool and good people go there--- theres just as many assholes who have been there for a long time and think that they are god almighty and word things in a way that puts you down and i don't like that shit. so i stand by my original statement
 
Jones I totally know what your saying. Youd rather have everything sugar coated, and said to you in a way that makes you feel as though your doing the right thing even though you arnt.

I was there once to buddy.

You gotta find purpose in life, something to live for everyday besides drugs. Im not trying to be a dick to you. Id like to see nothing more than you get clean and free from your addiction. I seen in another post that you have a great job making really good money, dont fuck that up bro. In this economy its a hard thing to find. You could have alot going for you but you gotta make your mind up. Be careful to, cause if you keep going back and forth from Dope to subs, the subs stop working right on you. Thats what happened to me.

Like I said I wish you the best buddy. One day at a time.

P.S Ive never been to a meeting before.
 
This thread strikes way too close to home, J-in-J. My current family situation has had me in a very dark place for the last week. The verbal abuse just kept getting worse, and worse, and worse, and WORSE, until I had the only three people who "love" me in my life, my brother, mom, and dad, all ganged up against me, criticizing me repeatedly for trivial things, blaming me for getting in legal trouble (hash poss), screaming at me to get out since "I'm causing problems" since I'm ANXIOUS all the time... WTF?!

My younger brother was yelling in my face and pushing me around saying that he's had enough of me and my "problems;" he just doesn't know about or take anxiety/PTSD seriously, just like he doesn't take my legit pain issues seriously, which I do a great job of hiding, by the way. What makes me sad is that I do plenty of favors for him, lend him money when he needs it, am considerate, smoke him out, love him unconditionally, and he treats me like this? He seriously lacks empathy, and made me realize that I need to be careful who I open up to, and need to totally honest to gain my parents' (ultimately empathetic under the guise of stoicism and tough love) trust.

Seeing my family all against me like that just crushed me, made me from suicidally ideating to instantly suicidal, thank Jeebus I found my safe key with hydrocodone in it, and took a regular regiment of hydro, kratom, diazepam, clonazepam, tramadol, and prn temazepam for a few days so I could see my life clearly enough to realize that I didn't really want to die, and that I was just have an reaction to the worst panic attack I've had in my enitire life during the breakdown. Instead, I've been so anxious these last couple of years because I still had hope, but now I was starting to lose that as well and just become numb... not sad, not happy,not anxious, not human; and that, well, that's not the real me.

I've never stolen from my parents, never done heroin, meth, crack, coke, gotten in to a fight, etc.

While on clonazepam and diazepam taken after the incident (prescribed dosages, just completely uninhibited at this point), I had an emotional breakdown, cried so fucking much and for so long, finally told everything to my parents, and tried to educate them a bit on anxiety and PTSD, and they've agreed to come to a therapist appt with me so they can understand about me and what triggers me. Inside of me, my subconcious was yelling out, fighting for survival over my depressed, rational, realistic mind who tells itself that my life will never be worth living and all that other bullshit you worry about when you should just be fucking LIVING your life and making progress towards independence, by any means necessary.

Especially since my mom works from home, and because I spend a lot of time at home as well, and because she was constantly physically and verbally abused by family in her youth, her way of showing me love is to counter everything I say (verbal abuse), critisize me, make underhanded comments, mock me, and yell at me over bullshit. I finally had enough of her yelling on an uneventful night, and asked her straight up, "why are you being such a bitch again, mom?" I can blame the benzos for actually making me SAY it, but it's been in my mind for a long time. I had gone up to her to show her love and be nice to her and give her a hug, but she started yelling about trivial bullshit, so I couldn't take it anymore. All hell broke loose in the house the next two days, plenty of suicide was contemplated, and so many deep conversations were had. I still haven't slept properly, but things are getting so much better now, especially between my mom and I.

COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!

If something bothers you, don't hold it in, SPEAK UP!!!
 
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This may sound oversimplified, but you are going to need to get off the heroin first and stay off of it for a while before you can build the life you want. Healthy romantic relationships, good jobs/careers, independence.... all of that won't come until you recover. Which sucks and truthfully takes a loooong time. In a way, despite your mother's tyrannical attitude, it is an asset to your recovery to have a place to live. You probably aren't going to be able to govern or sway her attitude while you are living there no matter how much you mow the lawn. She is probably angry at you. On top of that, maybe she is just domineering by nature. I don't know; but you probably do. Whatever the case, don't look at it as your fault, but instead just throw yourself into doing the best you can to get off the dope. For me, everything got infinitesimally easier once I got clean.

I feel you though; I had to go to rehab twice, get clean, and do sober living all so I could come home and live under my parents' roof. What the shit? But if this is what it takes, I'll gladly stomach the inconveniences if it will help me become functional and independent in the near future.

Good luck buddy.
 
My use and occasional dependency played a big role in me living with my parents for many years after graduating college (the economy going to shit didn't help). I also would leave and then end up coming back. It was only when I took a long break and cut out almost all vices (a few beers here and there are often the most I will do) that I am finally able to leave. I have a good job with great benefits and decent pay now. I plan on going and getting my masters in about a year too. I didn't think like that when I was using.

You will not be able to do much to convince your mom. Would it really be so bad to go to a meeting? Might shut her up for a little bit. I had to do the whole AA/NA thing for awhile and while I didn't like it, I did learn some things.

Both Sobriety or legit moderation may suck, but it can get better with work. Using will not bring you anywhere but down.
 
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