Mental Health Body Dysmorphic Disorder(BDD)

[user12]

So I honestly don't even know where to start because i have so many thoughts in my head that i want to share. I'm sorry if this message is out of order or illiterate.

just a side note , I just emailed my psychiatrist asking for an appointment as soon as possible so i can talk to her about the problems i have been having.

okay so freshman year i used to actually have a social life, I am now a junior, but soon to be a senior and I lost my social life all together. It is about a month and a half into summer and I have only gone out twice, both were with my only close friend. ( i am a dancer , so when i say "going out" I mean hanging out, because i dance literally every day 4-6 hrs.) Both times I went out , I became so self conscious about my appearance and felt so ugly.Meaning my hair, face, clothes , and my body weight. I am not over weight but I'm always worrying about it. All of these factors lead to my extremely low self esteem and lack in confidence. I am unable to maintain all of friendships. the only reason i have stayed close to my one friend is because we have been close since 2nd grade.

I have extensions and i feel like my hair looks like COMPLETE shit everyday. Sometimes I start out the day feeling more confident about my hair, but as the day progresses, I end up feeling hideous. Also during the school year , I felt so annoying because I excessively touched my hair and my bangs in a certain way , attempting to fix it. ( Compulsively fixing it whether it was conscious or subconscious ). since i stayed home so much, I forgot how terrible this problem was. As for dance, I constantly have to redo my bun , ponytail, or what ever the style is. If i dont, I feel so ugly that I cannot focus on dancing and dont even want to look at my self. I ask people if my hair looks okay and they say it looks fine , but that reassurance doesn't affect me in anyway because I still feel terribly ugly.

My face is another major problem. I stand in front of the mirror hours on end just looking at my face up close and just picking at it. To the point where my face is covered in open wounds , scabs, redness, scars, etc. lol actually as i am typing this i am picking at my face. It gets so frustrating because sometimes i do my makeup and right when i finish, i pick at it right after. My skin picking has gotten worse , in the shower I pick at my legs. Some days I will pick at my arms turning nothing into a visible sore. Occasionally , I pick at my upper chest and my lower torso , hip area. I recently looked it up and it sounds exactly like CSP (compulsive skin picking disorder) also known as dermatillomania. my face picking is my worst area .

In dance , i am always fixing my clothes because i hate the way i look in them. just like my hair and makeup situation I leave my house, both school, social and dance feeling okay about the way i look , and the minute i arrive to the places , I hate absolutely despise what i am wearing. leading to constant fidgeting. I refuse to wear shorts anywhere because i hate how my thighs touch. people tell me my legs are skinny , but i feel like they look big. I wear pencil skirts but only to special events , so that leaves me with two choices for school. Either jeans or leggings. I dont really wear leggings because I dont like the way it feels when walking around in public, I dont wear sweats in school or with friends because i dont want people to think i am fat. So that leaves me with jeans every day. My legs look even worse in jeans in my opinion, they look too big and too long in my jeans, Making me insecure everyday.

The only two reasons why i am not anorexic is because my sibling used to be anorexic and i dont want to put my family through that again and the hunger becomes unbearable. Now i dont know if i could call myself bulimic because when i view other situations, i dont feel as extreme. But I do throw up at least once a day ( There are days I do not throw up though).

The problem with researching on the internet, is that it is easy to put things in one's head. I recently read more about body dysmorphia and i dont know if it is just in my head or i actually have it. Also when someone has BDD , how distorted is their vision when they view their appearance? Because for example one day my arms look way too long and the other it doesnt seem noticeable same for other parts of my body, but it isn't so extreme that it is as if im looking at a fun house mirror. I dont want to be one of those obnoxious teenagers that just make bullshit lies up about their illnesses to get it, I am genuinely confused and concerned.
I also constantly need to look in a mirror to reassure myself , but in minutes i am back to feeling unappealing. I feel as though i look so self centered because i look at myself in the mirror so much.

I feel like i cannot confide in any one because i sound conceited , vain, and just looking for attention.

Also is there a way where this cannot be shown on google?

 

[herbavore]

You do not sound at all conceited or vain---quite the opposite, and for that you have my empathy. Feeling bad about your appearance is hell. A very private hell. I'm glad that you are going to bring all this up with your psychiatrist but I hope that he/she doesn't suggest medication. Like Dave said, these feelings are much better treated than medicated.

We live in a society in which image is the end-all and be-all of existence. Learning to reject that is one of the healthiest things a person can do. Being a dancer you deal with a double dose of body-image obsession. Relating to people other than your peer group, the very young and elderly, can be a great way to side-step much of the overemphasis on the physical, and strengthen you within for when you are with peers.

To all who have posted in this thread: you are brave and courageous and you have all my faith that you can move beyond this crippling anxiety.

 

[Vaya]

The Last Tissue I'd Want When In Tears

I'm really glad that this thread was resurrected after so long. I feel as though it has been a tremendous period of time since BDD was discussed at length and so openly in TDS.

Recently I've had a flare up in self-confidence issues I've had since age fourteen relating to my chest (I am male). For those that have met me, "slender" is a decent word to describe my build. (repeat post from staff nudie - just my chest tho) me recently

Despite being slender, I have very slight gynecomastia. I have small lumps of adipose tissue (the kind that exercise can't burn off) behind each nipple that, when my nipples are neither cold nor otherwise stimulated (I'd pinch and twist them to get them to retract temporarily in social situations), cause my nipples to "puff up" a little, and can (at least in my head) be easily and readily seen through T shirts and when I am shirtless. Almost all male adolescents have gynecomatia as a result of hormonal changes during puberty, but by age 21 something like 70% of them have lost the tissue. I never did.

As a younger adolescent I would ALWAYS wear a sun shirt at the pool or beach so that I would avoid fear of being seen.

In 3rd and 4th grade, two kids would tease me - in hindsight, probably for unrelated reasons - but I interpreted it as because of my overall weight which affected my chest too (I was 35-40 pounds heavier at age 11-12 than I am at 26).

At age 16, I had become so depressed and reclusive that I had (without actual intention) frequent fantasies of excising the fatty lumps myself with a knife. My mother was extremely concerned and finally granted my request to consult with a plastic surgeon to explore my options were I to pursue surgical removal.

I remember that evening. Internally, my world deeply contrasted the crisp, breezy and warm summer evening; inside, I was anxious, tired, gloomy - yet deeply hopeful that this consultation would be the defining moment of my life. That it would set into motion the process by which I would gain my confidence, self-respect and social prowess back. My mom was tense, too, manipulating our minivan through the Philadelphian dusk.

After 90 (yes, ninety) minutes of agonizing suspense in the waiting room, we were called into the doctor's office. I remember being horrified that the temperature in the exam room was so cold, because the muscles around my areoles contract and almost nullify the enlarged nipples when in chilly conditions. I wanted this doctor to see the "real" me (as I saw myself 8)) and felt CRUSHED when he took one look at me without a shirt, chuckled for what seemed like an eternity, and said to me "You are ridiculous! You have next to nothing there. This is perhaps one of, if not THE, mildest case of gynecomastia I've ever seen. I would not recommend surgery; neither will I be the one to perform it if you decide to disregard my suggestion. I've had cases where the tissue was the size of a softball... You wasted your time coming here... and don't worry about your chest anymore."

*snap*
My mind short-circuited.

I spent the following two months in an emotional coma; food had no taste. Liquid had no viscosity. Light had no luminosity. Everything had nothing - no attributes, parameters or substance. I was as close to being suicidal with intent as I've ever been in my life.

I snapped out of this proverbial coma between the June and July before my 17th birthday. I became resolute to lose the adipose tissue myself and spent hours, 2-3x per day, biking mercilessly after lathering my chest with a topical Yohimbe stimulant based cream (speeding up the burning of fat when added to cardio). In so doing, I went from a healthy weight (like 185) to a full-body slenderization after which I was 135-140. I'm 151 now at 6'1" but have never been able to revert to heavier than 160 since that time. Therefore, I lost a TON of weight, but none of the fat I wanted to lose. Because without excision it cannot burn off or fade away. I had been so desperate I'd tried for 4 months anyway - I had not ever given thought to pursuing "weight loss,"
as it were.

From ages 18-22, inexplicably, I stopped caring about my chest. Straight up accepted it, was fine with it, didn't care what other people thought. I began to wear many colors of shirts instead of strictly black and navy blue, which reduce the appearance. I went swimming shirtless with friends both close and new. It was a self-image-healthy period of my life. But the fear, shame, disgust, self-loathing and resentment was reawakened at age 24 (again, without a precipitating event) and, like a sea swell, has been gathering strength and destructive influence ever since.

Again, I am male, but the VAST majority of my close friends have been/are women. I'd pin it at 95% female. Many of them are goofy, fun-loving, introspective, empathetic, centered and simply wonderful people. We joke around a lot. But in the past year during random moments of humorously playing around with one another (horseplay essentially), four of them have given me titty-twisters. I could see their eyes focus on one of my pectorals, and I suppose the urge to pinch it seemed appealing. I laughed it off, putting on a brave face; this all sounds silly as I write it, but its impact has been far from unrealized in my life. These occurrences, though clearly meant in jest (I have told no one but my parents and therapists and one BL staff about this so my friends didn't know what they were triggering and I don't blame them), have left me feeling that each pinch provided stronger support for my fears that my nipples could be very noticeable to others. It "proved" that this wasn't all in my head. In addition, i am attracted to women. I have historically gone to greater lengths to hide my chest from women than men. But here were repeated instances where a female would grab my chest, twist and giggle with the glimmer of bright and mischevious eyes. And that fucked me up.

Because I died inside while laughing with them.

This "proof," as it were, is realistically a fallacy. Cognitively, i understand that. But I experience it as a painful, scathing indictment on who I am as a person. I continue to unwillingly allow minor gynecomastia to define and destroy me.

But I am proud that I have the strength at this moment to share this.
I believe that, to an interpretive degree, I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. To myself, I look damaged and worthless - like the item at Wal Mart you select to buy, until you realize it's been opened and toss it back on the shelf for someone else to deal with. And no matter how often I hear comments meant to redirect my thinking towards reality, rare indeed are the times when I am able to accept reassurance.

Anyway. Thank you - whoever you may be - for taking the time to peruse this defeatist novella of mine.

~ Vaya

 

[herbavore]

Body image issues always arouse anger in me. I get so angry that we live in a culture that literally pimps physical self loathing and we all buy. No one escapes. It gets pushed on us before we even have a chance to resist when we are young and don't even realize we are getting the messages. From the sexiest super-models to the overweight, there is simply no part of one's body that is not fodder for obsessive self-loathing. The entire economy is predicated on the fact that if people hate themselves enough they will continue to consume. It has reached such a frenzied peak that body parts that were never even considered are now sources of great pain and shame for people. Labia surgery?

The most revolutionary act in the western world IMO is to learn to accept and love yourself from the inside out and the outside in. It takes unbelievable courage on a daily basis. Never has a marketing blitz been so insidious, nor so effective. The parameters of what we should look like as males or females is so narrow and so prescribed that it is virtually unachievable; add to that that it changes from era to era! By keeping the standards of physical attractiveness elusive and unattainable, yet prizing physical attractiveness above all else, we are manipulated into buying every product, service, etc that promises to get us closer to happiness. When those fail to get us there we are urged to buy things to drown our unhappiness; to anesthetize, cover up or at the very least temporarily console. It is no accident that what we use to fill the hole inside (food, drugs, stuff) pushes us further away from what we mistakenly think of as our desired goal.

I know it is not simple. I grew up with my own set of body issues and now I have the aging issues on top of all those. But if there were ever a time to get angry and to use that anger and turn it outward rather than inward it is this issue. Resist! The more we do this the easier we make it for everyone else. Maybe it is the old hippie in me that remembers a time when we all made it a mission to live without scales or mirrors. We let our hair grow and went naked a lot and got used to seeing bodies of all shapes and sizes and colors and variations. What happened? The big machine that said BUY! came down with a vengeance like never before. I am glad that I lived it for as long as I did and I feel sad for the young girls and boys that literally do not have one single private part of their own perfect little bodies that they can be comfortably oblivious of. I work with little kids. I see the pain every day caused by this over-focus on the physical.

I love beauty as much as anyone else, perhaps more than many, being a visual artist. I remember back in art school drawing endless naked bodies in life-drawing classes. There we all sat, in our perfect young bodies, and the models we loved the most were heavier, or older or different in some way. We looked for the grace or the strength or the spirit and we tried to tease that out onto the paper. We were after the gestures that animated the muscles, the life that defined the package. It's why it is called LIFE drawing. The models that were beautiful by the standards of the day were more difficult to draw. They ended up looking empty of life because we were all so used to seeing those images from advertising and it was hard not to simply regurgitate that. But I remember being always aware that even these models doubted their own beauty. No one is safe in this paradigm.

To all who suffer, there is no truer statement than this: you are not alone. We are all, to varying degrees, in this together and we can fight it together.

love, and more love,

herbavore

 

[stardust.hero]

^ I don't know where it comes from woman. Powerful words

 

[Vaya]

What.the.fuck.

Jan.

You've decidedly surpassed the line separating extraordinary from everything else.

Thank you, for you.



~ J

 

[Vaya]

So, I lost weight again. Which is a really bad thing. Here I am a 6 foot 1 3/4 inch male barely weighing 150 lbs and I eat a lot, but LOSE fucking weight. It's so horrible seeing the scale go up down up down... 2 independent scales, 2x measuring on each, confirmed I lost 6 pounds in about 24 hours.

I want to vent to my girl friend, I listen to all her stuff, but she isn't happy when I try to vent. Says shit like, "I wish you weren't being sour grapes right now." am I crazy? Do I have BDD so bad that I don't much realize it??

Really twisted up right now. TDS, I can always count on you...

~ Vaya

 

[herbavore]

Well that kind of weight loss is worrisome! Why do you think it is happening? I would definitely see a doctor about that and have your thyroid thoroughly checked out. That just doesn't seem right to lose weight after you have stopped growing in height--and 6 lbs. in 2 days??!! In this case it is not BDD it is a worthy concern.

That is too bad your girlfriend can't handle the venting. Sometimes people feel uncomfortable with other people's venting because they feel they have to fix it. It is a good thing to develop the ability to just listen. Being able to talk about fears and angers, etc. is important.

 

[jbarebear]

I didn't find a previous thread that had BDD as a main topic, so I decided to start one.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder Wiki Page


Is anyone here currently struggling with, think they have, or has overcome this?

I believe I have this disorder. I am told that I am attractive and have a nice body. I am ok with my eyes, but I think they are the only thing I have going for me. After I had my first and then second child, both times I gained a lot of weight. My body has not been the same. I got pregnant at 25 so I went from having a young ladies body to having a woman’s body and that was very hard to accept. Today I am convinced that I have the most disgusting tummy and breasts that a woman has ever had, I think my teeth are ugly, the profile of my face looks like that of a deformed creature, my feet are rough and not womanly enough, my thighs are too big and have stretch marks, and my butt has dimples in it.