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Bluelight Singles - from begining to end! don't we love the merge feature!

But why do you have to instantly look at cutting your friends out? I know, personally, as a CIT/TAFE student with casual employment that I get a lot of free time, and that I like spending large chunks of it with friends.

If I was to have a partner like I've described, there'd still be plenty of time to see my friends by myself, there'd be time for us to see my friends together, and there'd be time for us to spend time with her friends if she wanted...

I suppose it's more to do with what's more important in your life. I'm a people person.
 
I'm single again and the reason for that was described best by Folk Implosion:
The harmony's gone but the rhythm remains.
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When you care so much about someone it's really hard to let go but I think in the end we need to do what feels right... even if there doesn't seem to be any explanation behind it.

Backo: Fortnightly basis? It just sounds to me that you're so used to being alone and being able to do your own thing that you're not willing to make the concessions that relationships require. I'm not saying it's an impossibility and I personally know plenty of girls who would prefer there to be a bit of distance in the relationship (hell, I used to be one of those girls) but if you really did like them then wouldn't you want to see them as much as possible? I think it all comes down to the fact that people shouldn't choose their partners because they're the particular type of person they want to date, they should choose their partners based on who they are.

Dante: Your brain needs an off switch, hon. That's about the only advice I can give you. ;)
 
alone is such a harsh word for it. I believe that while I am single I will never be alone. Alone implies disappointment unhappiness and longing... I feel none of these.

Dante I would never cut my friends out... as I agreed with u before I would want the ability to see my friends as much as possible. That would lead me to find someone who wouldnt want to be around me 24/7. Not that I wouldnt embrace having someone there like that... but i would prefer them to retain their stable relationship with their friends as much as I would want to.

I think once a week would be a good time to see your girl... and ill use economic theory of marginal utility to prove it. The more time u spend with someone the less enjoyment u get out of it... therefore U would enjoy the Backo experience that much more if it wasnt subject to decreasing marginal utility.... yes im being a smartass... dont believe this shit.
 
^^^ Personally I agree on the once a week scheme. Any more and it'll lose it's thrill to a certain extent and any less, well my last brief 'relationship' was proof that it's too little. I found myself losing interest, not because of the fact that i truly didnt like them (because I did), but only because I spoke to them so little, and saw them even less, so they werent really a part of my life.
Once a week = part of your life, but not ALL of your life, and certainly not too little :)
EDIT - my English is shocking!
 
this convo is funny. all of you making rules as to how often you're going to see your future partner.

when you fall in love, you wanna see them all the time. that's just how it is. if you need to make rules about seeing friends, and seeing your partner only once a week and all that bullshit, you're not in love.
 
I have to agree with apples there - when you're really in love you will forget all these rules you've made, hell if you're really in lust you'll forget them too. There's something about that haze that overtakes you when those feelings bloom... Everything else seems to fade away and what was important yesterday suddenly seems less so if it means missing out on time with the person who makes you feel like that. Lust is such an extremely powerful emotion... for those who are lucky enough to say they've been in love surely you'd agree that love is even more so.

up all night - sorry to hear about your re-entry into here :\
 
yeah i guess your right...with the last guy i was with i was happy to see him happy and it made my day to make him smile....fuck i really do actually miss him....but he wasnt ready....if you love someone set them free they say......*sigh*
 
up all night said:

When you care so much about someone it's really hard to let go but I think in the end we need to do what feels right... even if there doesn't seem to be any explanation behind it.
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mmm... sometimes things like this is for the best.

from my personal experience when the relationship only ends up hurting one person and when the bad starts to out weight the good it is time to let go of it.i made the mistake of holding onto it for far to long. it ended up doing me more damge than good...but when i look back at what i had it always makes me smile...most of the time. :) there is no time limit as to how long it takes to get over someone...but as long as you have great friends you will be fine...

up all night: and you have great friends so you will be fine =D you know where i am if u need me. love ya hun. kel

as for the dreaded alone feeling? is it the same thing as loneliness ? i always feel lonely. i am a real company person. love socail interaction and the companionship of a relationship. but to me being alone and lonelinessare two different words but seem so the same. when i am not in a relationship i feel alone...but also feel loneliness.

i dont mind feeling alone because i can handle that feeling. but why is it only the feeling of loneliness that is so hard to control and harness... *sighs*... :( loneliness is a bitch :|
 
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Backo: You definately dont sound like you're looking for a relationship. Infact it doesnt really sound like you want a relationship at all, except as a kind of formality.. something that everyone else seems to have, so you mayaswell have one too.. but it doesnt really fit into your social scheme right now. From the things you've posted thats the way it appears.

All this talk about relationships and rules.. its so clinical, so very sterile it hurts.

Seeing your partner once a week/fortnight? If you want someone you dont have to socialise with and only feel the need to see very seldom, then you're looking for a fuckbuddy not a real relationship. Someone who you can walk in and walk out on when it suits you.

I think we've all sat down and thought about the logistics of relationships so much that its all turned into a big set of rules. A lot of "I have friends in a relationship and I'd hate to be like them", for whatever reason you have. Be it too attached, too distant, too posessive.. etc etc. Then we all start to think about how we'd view our perfect relationship in the sense that its some kind of mail-order program, "I want this and that but not those". Having a partner IS going to change your lifestyle. Its someone who you feel strongly about, who you generally wish to spend a lot of time with. Think about your best friends.. if you could spend as much time as possible with them would you? Then multiply that by a large factor. And then you need to realise that relationships are meant to be FUN. I find it amazing that theres so much talk of having partners who are going to "cramp their style", stop them from seeing their friends, or being who they want to be. Thats not a relationship.. thats you dating your parents.

I think you all need to stop being so darned serious for a bit. Tho it is rather amusing the strange limitations you believe you are going to put on your partner, once you get one. But seriously, if you think its going to be like that. Buy a dog. They probably fit your lifestyle better.

stace. :)
 
Backo: After having a quick chat with you last night I just want to clarify something. When I said "you're so used to being alone", I didn't mean lonely. I know you have great friends and many, many things in your life to keep you occupied and satisfied. All I meant was that you're used to living the single life.

To everyone who was smirking at the use of people's fortnightly/ weekly descriptions of a relationship I think those people were using those terms figuratively rather then absolutely. I know Backo, at least, is just saying he's looking for a relationship that isn't full-on. And noone is disagreeing about the fact that if you love them you want to see them all the time... but noone mentioned the word love.

This is something I've been thinking about lately. What if you didn't wait for love to come around? What if you married your best friend who you cared about but didn't have passionate feelings for? Do you think the relationship would last? And as people get older, isn't the companionship side of a relationship the more important part?
 
:) thats very nice to hear that Up All Night.

Basically I dont see why u cant have a relationship where u have a bit of fun with someone, spent some quality time and then have a time to yourself to carry on your independent lifestyle. Why do u have to see every relationship as this could be the one.

I dont think someone who u enjoy spending time with and being intimate with now and again can be seen as just a fuckbuddy! I want something more than a booty call person but i dont wanna get into the saving for the wedding thing either :).

Whats wrong with that?
 
stacyrox said:

All this talk about relationships and rules.. its so clinical, so very sterile it hurts.

Seeing your partner once a week/fortnight? If you want someone you dont have to socialise with and only feel the need to see very seldom, then you're looking for a fuckbuddy not a real relationship. Someone who you can walk in and walk out on when it suits you.
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I think you've missed the point a little. Backo is not talking about 'rules' - he is hypothesising a less conventional relationship where you give each other a bit more space. The weekly/fortnightly thing is just an example, not an absolute.

I also think some of you pigeonhole relationships too much. There are all kinds of relationships out there. I'll give a personal example. There is someone I am particularly close to. I'd say we're more than friends but are we in a romantic relationship? We don't see each other everyday - maybe only once a week or once a fortnight but we communicate often (over the net). We know each other very well - about 5 years. The other person has a partner who knows about us. So I wouldn't say we have a romantic relationship in the conventional sense. However we know that we will always be there for each other for better or for worse. I've seen them go through tough times and have been there for them whenever they needed support. Some of you might say this is only friendship but I know it is something more (sex - been there done that lol) and we've acknowledged that. So no this isn't a 'relationship' in the conventional sense but nonetheless one I feel very satisfied with.
 
I'd marry my best friend... except she got a hole last week and I need to get it patched before we exchange vows. :\ Forget disposable relationships, it's the future man, we have inflatable relationships! =D

Insane Platypus said:
Loneliness is just a part of being human. We are social creatures but we are also individual creatures - we don't live in a hive mind.
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Just to carry this line of thinking further. It's my belief that because all of us only ever truly know what's going on in our own heads, that our lives are spent trying to bridge that gap.

There are many examples in science-fiction of supposed races of creatures who live with joined minds so that everyone is connected, mentally, across an entire species. Human beings spend their lives prisoners within the confines of their own heads and thus, their own thoughts.

It's my observation that an overwhelming majority of all human behaviour is driven towards doing things to ease a deeper unbearable loneliness that we all feel inside; from the cradle to the grave, all we are ever doing is trying to find some connection to the rest of humanity and the universe. Even behaviour that seems self-serving like the accumulation of wealth (in the belief that wealth will somehow gain us respect and allow you to buy love and happiness), or behaviour that is self-defeating like suicide or self-mutilation (suicide to end the loneliness, hurting yourself to draw attention to other problems).

This is a problem to which there is no solution. Instead our search for an answer or a miracle fix-it-all is, I believe, what causes most of the interpersonal and relationship problems in our lives. Instead of accepting that ultimate loneliness is part of the human condition, we expect that we'll find some partner who will alleviate this; the greatest and deepest of all human needs. Rather than looking for a cure to loneliness, the best and most we can ever hope for is a kindred spirit to share the journey with.

My point is I see too many people, single or otherwise, getting into relationships for the wrong reasons, or expecting the wrong things from the relationships that they're in. Remember this: patience will always bring better results than desperation, and the loneliest moments of your life will not be spent alone.
 
up all night said:

This is something I've been thinking about lately. What if you didn't wait for love to come around? What if you married your best friend who you cared about but didn't have passionate feelings for? Do you think the relationship would last? And as people get older, isn't the companionship side of a relationship the more important part?
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well i would marry my best friend coz i know that we mutually care for each other...and i guess it really depends on what the friendship entails...i have guys in my life now that i would marry. i dont 'love' them so to speak but i would be happy to spend my life with them. as long as there is mutual respect and trust i am happy.
 
Dante, what you said I agree with. I dont think that the concept of haveing a girlfriend and also haveing a good group of firends is that different. in both cases you dont really want to associate with one or the other if they make you feel uncomfortable or you dont share common interests. in my case, my issues is that i dont think that lately i am finding it hard to focus on friendship issues because i am so focused on finding that right girlfreind. but in a paradoxial way i think that hanging with one girl that you get along with great is just as good as hanging with a group of mates that you get along with. is there something wrong ( if it can be considered wrong) with this thinking? i wonder if that is the reason that I, and possiblly others feel lonely.

do you all think that lonliness is confined to one on one relationships with a partner or not having a group of friends?
i dont think it is, beause do you ever feel fuzzy inside, and yearn to see your friends again in the same way you do when you meet someone that you like?

backo, i laughed at what you said, because that happens to me also. you indecision makes you sound like you come accross as and extremely social person, but you along with other people have that little thing in the back of your/their minds that ''hey, hes such a great guy..why is he single?''


as for the dreaded alone feeling? is it the same thing as loneliness ? i always feel lonely. i am a real company person. love socail interaction and the companionship of a relationship. but to me being alone and lonelinessare two different words but seem so the same. when i am not in a relationship i feel alone...but also feel loneliness.
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- I think starfalls might have an idea or understanding about what im talking about.

All this talk about relationships and rules.. its so clinical, so very sterile it hurts.
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- stacery rox. i couldnt agree more. but i tend to find that in myself, and i think in others, when you have the ''downtime'' to think or analyse why you are in the situation you are in, you cant help but feel this way. but when you are talking with other people and general socialising the ''clinical' feeling about things goes out the window.

hoptis, i really interested to know what you think about what ive posted. -smiles- seriously, you seem to have it all together.
 
miss apple said:
this convo is funny. all of you making rules as to how often you're going to see your future partner.

when you fall in love, you wanna see them all the time. that's just how it is. if you need to make rules about seeing friends, and seeing your partner only once a week and all that bullshit, you're not in love.
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Who said anything about love?
 
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