Blowing smoke

[CoffeeDrinker]

*Original rambling intro removed* Thanks to pk and kyt and owlie and batmanplaysbaseball for inspiring me to post here more. I started this with a "dummy melody" which is a song structure that someone else made, in this case Bob Dylan's "No Time to Think" was my template(a great and little known song of his btw), and I tried to write as freely as possible within that predetermined cadence and rhyme scheme. I'd describe it as like filling out a crossword puzzle, trying to make things fit in place, but way more fun. Anyone can do it.


Blowing Smoke Trying to Clear the Air

You caught me in a strange mood
with some energy but no food
and I've got all these things I want to share
Please just try to hear me
I'm skeptical but dearly
long for the strength of her faith
like it's air

She once told me that my path
is guided by mishaps
that I commit every time I want to sleep
"When you're craving some shut eye
but settle for some cheap wine
God laughs as his tricks make you weep"

That's what she told me
and no philosophy holds me
like her words which shouldn't ring that true
How can she know that
God's just a bar rat
with endless wisdom that's never really on cue

I'm standing on the brink
of finding the link
where my mind and my body should meet
And I inch ever closer
to the answer that I know
will not put any part of me at ease

With his endless arrows
Cupid amuses his narrow
mind, He's having his fun shooting blind
Every bad romance
just gives him one more chance
to laugh when he forgets he can fly

Lost in her freedom
she know's she doesn't need him
she just tells herself "we're both being used"
And that is enough to
repeat all the stuff that
got her feeling empty, misplaced, and confused

So I have fun in my way
with this old tragic play
that we convince ourselves has gotta be real
Hiding from emptiness
I look to be tempted with
anything that has a nice feel

My thoughts gather in whirlpools
in a sea of these new rules
and I wonder If I'll ever catch up
They flow even quicker
when there's a reason to snicker
and I cannot deny they're corrupt

I know I'm just another one
Trying to have some fun
Thinking that my smoke belongs in the air
But I could easily forget this
and then there'd be no witness
to what seemed like the truth on a tear

This is a work in progress still...hmmm

 

[BobJillespie]

I think you're trying to say too much. Pick one emotion, one event and capture it. There are multiple threads of ideas all over. But I really liked it, I think you just need to tighten it up:"He wrote about the guilty heart and secret dreams,
and I know I have both of those in spades."

Could be: "He wrote about the guilty heart and secret dreams, and I'm filled with both" says the same thing without getting bogged down with too many words to say something very simple."And the weight of both i often feel.

And it might just be a personal preference, but I dont like rhyming. It limits your vocabulary. You Only used that particular word because it rhymed with the one before, but does that mean its the right word and you would have used it anyway? Dont get me wrong, a series of well-written rhyming stanzas can be exhilarating. But when it's not, and there's no reason for it, it reads sophomoric. Work out which word says it best, and I'd it so happens to rhyme, good.

Good luck man, thanks fr putting it up for us to read.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

This was supposed to be a song that I actually sing, so the rhyming is not going anywhere. I readily admit the use of some words is simply to allow things to fit, and that doesn't bother me, because this wasn't supposed to be the clearest representation of my thoughts anyway. I totally agree with you though about it being sophomoric though.

This was quickly written up one day before work, and I had to leave before I really tied it all together, now I don't like it and don't care about it. I shouldn't give up on this I guess...

Thanks for the input!

 

[Ashley]

I'm standing on the brink
of finding the link
where my mind and my body should meet
And I inch ever closer
to the answer that I know
will not put any part of me at ease

With his endless arrows
Cupid amuses his narrow
mind, He's having his fun shooting blind
Every bad romance
just gives him one more chance
to laugh when he forgets he can fly

I particularly like these two verses. True, rhyming does limit your vocabulary somewhat. I write poetry that rhymes and also does not. I really like this piece, the rhyming is well done in my opinion, complex almost. Not simple and boring. Keep it up.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

^Thanks, lol. That's a great post for this thread