Benzos benzos and SSRI's and personal sit.

[budsnbars712]

This thread is kinda all over the place so if u can, just stay with me.....(place where it fits mods)

So as I had stated in many other posts....I have been abusing/taking xanax for about a full year now. Basically self-medicating myself for depression and anxiety. I finally got a script for it along with zoloft. The zoloft does nothing, and I mean nothing for my depression. I can not tell the difference and I am on the maximum FDA approved dose of 200 mg.

After about 7 full years of going out with my girlfriend, she is sick of my "no motivation" personality. This is another reason I started to abuse the xanax. I would get motivated and want to live life unlike many others claim of just vegetating on the couch. It makes me happier, more tolerable, less anxious, and all the "what if's" seem to regress a little bit. This is the main reason I think my GF ended the relationship as I always was on the look-out for her cheating or being sneaky, though I NEVER had a reason to. Two nights ago, she broke up with me and I am devastated. I have been with this girl since I am 16 years old and I am 23 now. I don't know anything else. Of course to numb myself I took 2 mg of xanax and drank a little bit.

I headed over to my friends house to hang out as I needed someone to talk to about this as I was crying basically all day(yes, I am a man, just one that had his heart broken). My friends who were at the house don't fuck with anything but pot and alcohol so they do not believe in the whole pill thing.

So the point is, my friends claim that the xanax is making everything worse for me. I can't see it myself though. I am happier when I am on it, my motivation jumps from 25% to 95%, and all those "what if's" disappear (which is a major deal because I accuse my GF of things all the time when shes completely innocent). I have never been lied to by her in the 7 yr relationship. After the breakup occurred, I was severely depressed unless I had xanax/alcohol/weed in me. And even then, the depression still hit me once in a while. I suddenly started having thoughts of taking my own life as the depression in my life was already severe and this situation with my GF made it way worse. I instantly called my doctor and told him I want off the zoloft as I never had suicidal thought like that in my life and I thought maybe the zoloft was contributing. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and I want to get this zoloft out of my life. It does not do anything. I feel like if anything, the xanax does what the zoloft should be doing in the long run. Which is making me happier, more motivated, and alot less of the "what if this, what if that" mentality. That's why I don't understand why my friends saying to me its just making things worse. I don't nod out or take an obnoxious amount to where I am doped out. People don't even know i'm on it sometimes. My gf always wanted me to quit smoking weed and was always a "clean girl". She never did any drugs or even drank often. I can understand that it is bad in her eyes as she thinks all drug users and alcholics, or even people that just drink regularly are disgusting. But why would my friends say that it's making me worse of a person when it makes me do more about my life? makes me want to get up in the morning? makes me able to deal with life like I wasn't able to before? I am just so confused and I just want my girl back and all this shit to disappear. Should I stop the xanax or not? I am obviously dependent. I've gone weeks without it but always wish I had one.

 

[CheapHighMan]

To start this off don't completely take my advice. I can't know you're situation unless I actually see it. That being said from the looks of it you could be Dependant on the Xanax (although you said you've gone weeks without it so I'm not completely sure). Immediately stopping high doses of Xanax could cause at best case horrible withdrawal and worst case seizures and/or/ death (although you're on a relatively low dose so you will probably just have bad withdrawal)

Also, I don't think the Zoloft is causing the suicidal thoughts. Suicide from Zoloft is usually caused by the Zoloft causing numbness and since you say you don't get anything from it I doubt it's the Zoloft. I still believe you should try a differen't anti-depressent then Zoloft though. If you feel a numbness would help then an SSRI (it's similar to Zoloft although might work) would help. Now if you're looking for the motivational energy boost then I would recommend Wellbutrin. It's similar to a stimulant.

As for the Xanax I would try not to take anymore then you already do and when you are on the right meds I would then try to taper off of it. You're friends may be over-reacting and your GF is definitely overlooking you're problems and being the opposite of supportive. Anybody who assumes somebody who self medicates with Xanax to live a normal life is disgusting doesn't understand.

Try to get everything straitened out. With time and the right support (and if you need them the right meds) you will feel normal and clear headed again. Then you can look back on this and see you're situation how it really was.

Good luck man

 

[purple_cloud]

Should I stop the xanax or not? I am obviously dependent. I've gone weeks without it but always wish I had one.

I know there is a LOT in this post, I think this background story is worthy of a place in our Sex, Love, and Relationships forum, where you can get some support for your break-up. But, to answer this specific question, I think you can stop it just fine. Being able to go "weeks without" but "always wishing you had one" is not being physically dependent on benzos. Psychologically dependent you can argue because you crave it, but if just going a couple days without a super short-acting benzo like alprazolam (xanax) you would get nasty withdrawal symptoms as have been pointed out already and include the possibility of seizure/death. So, I don't think you're actually dependent on them, at least not physically...and my advice, although they seem to help a lot, don't take them daily and get out while you still can. Benzos to feel normal are no fun , believe me.

 

[Treefa]

Man i would quit it. SSRIs are Shit. In my opinion, so is xanax because it dont fuck me up at ALL were talkin 2 or 3 mg here.....
And yea, weed makes me motivated and positive, but its still illegal so fuck it
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

 

[budsnbars712]

To start this off don't completely take my advice. I can't know you're situation unless I actually see it. That being said from the looks of it you could be Dependant on the Xanax (although you said you've gone weeks without it so I'm not completely sure). Immediately stopping high doses of Xanax could cause at best case horrible withdrawal and worst case seizures and/or/ death (although you're on a relatively low dose so you will probably just have bad withdrawal)

Also, I don't think the Zoloft is causing the suicidal thoughts. Suicide from Zoloft is usually caused by the Zoloft causing numbness and since you say you don't get anything from it I doubt it's the Zoloft. I still believe you should try a differen't anti-depressent then Zoloft though. If you feel a numbness would help then an SSRI (it's similar to Zoloft although might work) would help. Now if you're looking for the motivational energy boost then I would recommend Wellbutrin. It's similar to a stimulant.

As for the Xanax I would try not to take anymore then you already do and when you are on the right meds I would then try to taper off of it. You're friends may be over-reacting and your GF is definitely overlooking you're problems and being the opposite of supportive. Anybody who assumes somebody who self medicates with Xanax to live a normal life is disgusting doesn't understand. She isn't on you're level .

Try to get everything straitened out. With time and the right support (and if you need them the right meds) you will feel normal and clear headed again. Then you can look back on this and see you're situation how it really was.

Good luck man

I appreciate your response, helped me understand a little bit more. Thank you.

 

[budsnbars712]

So my situation has not gotten much better since the last post I had made on here. My computer goes on like once a month so its been hard for me to even get on the website, but anyways....
After going to the doctor and telling him about my feelings of suicide, even though it might not have been from the zoloft, I was taken off of it. It wasn't helping or doing anything for me anyway so whats the point. I am NOW on 20 mg of lexapro after starting on 10 mg, then 15 mg, now finally on 20. Same shit basically, don't feel any of the depression fading or doing remotely what xanax does for me. I originally was prescribed .25 mg twice daily of xanax which was nowhere close to enough considering I was self medicating at 1 mg minimal. I am now on .5 twice daily which is better but still doesn't quite do the job. I told my doctor that I take 2 sometimes to get where I need to be in one shot. He said instead of upping my dose again, hes going to try prescribing me Xanax xr next month if the 20 mg lexapro doesnt help me. I don't know anything about this besides that you take it less and it lasts longer which might be what I need. Ill do more research into this XR as time goes by on bluelight, but as for my relationship, It's still on the rocks. My girl or ex-girl I should say still talks to me but still believes I have drug issues. She doesnt understand that I am trying to feel normal and better myself and become a motivated individual that I am not without it. Like stated by another bluelighter in this thread, "Anybody who assumes somebody who self medicates with Xanax to live a normal life is disgusting doesn't understand." I do agree with this quote but I don't know what to do about my girl seeing it the way she does. I am hoping since I will be on the XR soon that since I will be taking it once a day like a vitamin or a zoloft/lexapro, she won't have that image in her eyes anymore. I mean, when I take the instant release xanax, I pop them often to not let go of that feeling. Or ill turn it into my own extended release by taking a high dosage early in the day and start drinking when it starts fading out about 6-8 hours later to start kicking it in again. But like I said maybe me just taking the once a day xanax xr will help with everything, including my girlfriends views on how I abuse drugs. Any help or opinions is still greatly apppreciated. I'm just lost in my own world right now......