J
Jaxton0606
Guest
Ok so here I am back on bluelight. It's been a while and I had the sudden urge to tell everyone my story, because I owe it to you. Let me start off by saying before the summer of 2014 I never experienced any sort of anxiety. I didn't even understand what anxiety was. So I come home for summer (I am 21 and in college) and was introduced to the little demon in a pill, xanax.
These pills were introduced by a friend because he used them to cure hangovers. He goes to a school where the white 2mg xanax bars are huge. Kids will use these instead of drinking to go out and have a good time. So anyways, the first time I took a quarter of it and went to my friends pool. At first I didn't really feel anything. Just really tired and lethargic. Then I realized that these little fellas could be used to sleep at anytime, cure hangovers, and eliminate awkward social situations.
So moving on, I had an internship this summer that required me to work from 4 am to 10 am. At first I had no idea how I was going to fall asleep early enough to feel rested for work. Then I thought, hey maybe I'll just take a quarter bar. So the first time it try this it works like a charm. Mind you, I had no idea about the horrible withdrawals that happen after you quit xanax.
So a few months pass and I was using xanax on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. I never exceeded a QB (.5 mg) except for a few times where I felt really hungover. Anyways, I was regularly taking xanax those days and then drinking heavily on Friday and Saturday. So a few months pass and I have to go to my lake house for a week with my family. I figure, hey I'm probably going to be drinking every day so I don't need any xanax. Wrong.
So I didn't have any problems over the week. I felt fine everyday drinking and having fun with the family. Then Sunday hit and I realized I had no xanax. I also realized at this time that I had severely ruined my gaba receptors. I woke up on Sunday and something was wrong. I was thinking thoughts about death, impractical occurrences, and other crazy things that had me scared to death. I honestly thought I was going to die that very moment.
I then did what any other idiot college student would do and grabbed a bottle of vodka. Mind you, drinking on Sunday when you are going home is not accepted on my family. Luckily I wasn't driving and was able to hide the alcohol in the back seat of my car. When I look back now I wish I would have told my parents because it would've been much easier.
I barely made the 3 hour trip home alive while holding it together and convincing myself I wasn't going to die. I get home and immediately hop on the internet and see what is wrong with me and praying that I was not actually going to die. Thank god fore everyone here at bluelight for reassuring me because I was on the fritz of going completely psychotic. I learned that benzos lead to absolutely horrific withdrawals and it can take months to heal. I also read that I should taper off but dumbly chose not to because I didn't feel I was completely addicted.
I finally drink myself to sleep that night and wake up the next morning with the same problems. I couldn't even step outside for fear of something coming to kill me. The worst part of this whole thing was the derealization. I felt like I wasn't currently conscious and living in this world anymore. When I closed my eyes I would see weird shapes and almost demonic images. I made the choice to slowly use alcohol and cut it in half each day.
Well that took about another week and I'm still feeling the same. I called my friend who have me the benzos and told him how bad the withdrawals were. He didn't know anything about it and is now still recovering himself. This was no question the worst period of my life. Everything was colorless. I felt like a walking maniac and could not properly converse with people. I would read bluelight every night to help reassure myself. After I cut the alcohol things got worse.
I try not to think about this time of my life because I felt like dying. I couldn't think, sleep, or eat and was on the verge of going completely crazy. This went on for over 3 months and I am proud to say I have recovered and only have slight anxiety.
The first two months sucked. Horrible. I cannot begin to explain what was going through my head. My parents thought I had become socially awkward because I had a hard time holding conversations with them. I didn't see my friends at all during this time because I was scared of dying. It took about two months for me to get a glimpse of light. Please everyone, do not discouraged because you can do it. It may take time but the light is there and this will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do.
When completely off benzos and alcohol I used a combination of l-theanine, valerian root, and magnesium to calm myself down. I am not sure how much they helped but I did eventually make it. I also used beer on nights and days when I felt like I was about to lose it. I know this is frowned upon but it got me through the days.
Looking back I wish I had told my parents and went to a doctor. I was extremely stubborn and could not get myself to do it even on the verge of insanity. I chose to write this now because I read a thread where it said people who do recover usually don't write about their stories because they can normally go on with their lives. So here I am giving back to this site a portion of what it has given to me.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask, I tried to sign up for bluelight and post there but it was extremely confusing and I couldn't figure it out. God bless and please don't give up your recovery, there is hope at the end up the tunnel.
These pills were introduced by a friend because he used them to cure hangovers. He goes to a school where the white 2mg xanax bars are huge. Kids will use these instead of drinking to go out and have a good time. So anyways, the first time I took a quarter of it and went to my friends pool. At first I didn't really feel anything. Just really tired and lethargic. Then I realized that these little fellas could be used to sleep at anytime, cure hangovers, and eliminate awkward social situations.
So moving on, I had an internship this summer that required me to work from 4 am to 10 am. At first I had no idea how I was going to fall asleep early enough to feel rested for work. Then I thought, hey maybe I'll just take a quarter bar. So the first time it try this it works like a charm. Mind you, I had no idea about the horrible withdrawals that happen after you quit xanax.
So a few months pass and I was using xanax on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. I never exceeded a QB (.5 mg) except for a few times where I felt really hungover. Anyways, I was regularly taking xanax those days and then drinking heavily on Friday and Saturday. So a few months pass and I have to go to my lake house for a week with my family. I figure, hey I'm probably going to be drinking every day so I don't need any xanax. Wrong.
So I didn't have any problems over the week. I felt fine everyday drinking and having fun with the family. Then Sunday hit and I realized I had no xanax. I also realized at this time that I had severely ruined my gaba receptors. I woke up on Sunday and something was wrong. I was thinking thoughts about death, impractical occurrences, and other crazy things that had me scared to death. I honestly thought I was going to die that very moment.
I then did what any other idiot college student would do and grabbed a bottle of vodka. Mind you, drinking on Sunday when you are going home is not accepted on my family. Luckily I wasn't driving and was able to hide the alcohol in the back seat of my car. When I look back now I wish I would have told my parents because it would've been much easier.
I barely made the 3 hour trip home alive while holding it together and convincing myself I wasn't going to die. I get home and immediately hop on the internet and see what is wrong with me and praying that I was not actually going to die. Thank god fore everyone here at bluelight for reassuring me because I was on the fritz of going completely psychotic. I learned that benzos lead to absolutely horrific withdrawals and it can take months to heal. I also read that I should taper off but dumbly chose not to because I didn't feel I was completely addicted.
I finally drink myself to sleep that night and wake up the next morning with the same problems. I couldn't even step outside for fear of something coming to kill me. The worst part of this whole thing was the derealization. I felt like I wasn't currently conscious and living in this world anymore. When I closed my eyes I would see weird shapes and almost demonic images. I made the choice to slowly use alcohol and cut it in half each day.
Well that took about another week and I'm still feeling the same. I called my friend who have me the benzos and told him how bad the withdrawals were. He didn't know anything about it and is now still recovering himself. This was no question the worst period of my life. Everything was colorless. I felt like a walking maniac and could not properly converse with people. I would read bluelight every night to help reassure myself. After I cut the alcohol things got worse.
I try not to think about this time of my life because I felt like dying. I couldn't think, sleep, or eat and was on the verge of going completely crazy. This went on for over 3 months and I am proud to say I have recovered and only have slight anxiety.
The first two months sucked. Horrible. I cannot begin to explain what was going through my head. My parents thought I had become socially awkward because I had a hard time holding conversations with them. I didn't see my friends at all during this time because I was scared of dying. It took about two months for me to get a glimpse of light. Please everyone, do not discouraged because you can do it. It may take time but the light is there and this will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do.
When completely off benzos and alcohol I used a combination of l-theanine, valerian root, and magnesium to calm myself down. I am not sure how much they helped but I did eventually make it. I also used beer on nights and days when I felt like I was about to lose it. I know this is frowned upon but it got me through the days.
Looking back I wish I had told my parents and went to a doctor. I was extremely stubborn and could not get myself to do it even on the verge of insanity. I chose to write this now because I read a thread where it said people who do recover usually don't write about their stories because they can normally go on with their lives. So here I am giving back to this site a portion of what it has given to me.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask, I tried to sign up for bluelight and post there but it was extremely confusing and I couldn't figure it out. God bless and please don't give up your recovery, there is hope at the end up the tunnel.
