firdous e bareen
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2012
- Messages
- 38
I had a mescaline + DMT experience over 2 years ago that I just could not have prepared myself for. It has only been recently that I've been deeply integrating and processing the experience. After the experience, some parts of the experience seemed clear (although most of it forgotten), but I didn't have a context or framework in which to really interpret it.
But because of an existential/personal crisis I was having recently (depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts), as well as doing wider reading and listening to lots of Ram Dass and Alan Watts, some ideas I encountered really resonated with me. And this started me obsessively thinking about that DMT experience.
I would just like to shared some notes that I've been typing into my phone whenever I've had a certain a-ha moment; when I could either remember an aspect of the experience (usually because I was stoned, which helps memory recall) or because I had been exposed to an idea that gave me this feeling of, yes, I know this! So here are the notes. They do not follow any sequence in the trip, just what I feel capture some elements of the experience. I also have lots of nagging questions and doubts!
'It was like I existed forever. Endless existence after death. Then I began to wake up from the eternal dream, eternity slowed down, compressed, and I began to exist for months instead. So much time! Overwhelming. The trip was so much more powerful than others that the hyperspace part was delayed and happened after the God experience, and kept going on and on. I was thinking I've experienced enough.
Ego comes back in as I realise I had smoked DMT, but had been deep in that space for so long. I was sure the mescaline had extended the trip in 'real time'. But also the waking construct of 'time' trying to make sense of the unspeakable. Disbelief, mind blown by eternity. "I was gone for so long."
And the body high. All of the mescaline euphoric body stretching and sensitivity exploded into pure sensation. A body made of energy, endless waves of orgasm and mind-body oneness of pleasure. Heavenly heights. Sublime. Then floating with my light euphoric mind-body back to earth.
The roar of eternity. The stillness of pure being. Existing for eternity in the now. The deep liberating feeling of being without mental baggage or ego, for eternity! This is the apex, the ultimate goal. This is the absolute height, or depth?, of human experience. This is a human experience! Deeply sacred and human.
Ground of being. The source. Ultimate reality.
Carrier wave aum. Sound and vision and being become one and everything! I am this. This is everything.
No distinction between knowledge and existence. I knew and was the totality. Not abstract knowledge, thinking about matters of waking life, but direct, pure and absolute understanding.
Overwhelming bliss. God's finger pressed firmly on the eternal pleasure button.
Overwhelming power, beauty, joy.
Ultimate liberation, freedom, release. Rebirth. Born again. Forgiven, wiped clean.
That feeling of going blind, numb and deaf from an orgasm. That times infinity.
Melting into the void. I was erased. Tears of gratitude for the experience and coming back into my self, my body, cleansed.
Ineffable. Unutterable. Too great for words. Pure love. Filled with light, love and forgiveness.
More relaxed and at peace. More compassion and understanding. I see myself and humanity in others. Much more interested in the life experiences of others. Smile more, look into people's eyes more.
Back in the womb. Home. No sense of other. No sense of self. Warm darkness, enclosed. All needs are met. Blissfully buoyant.
Pure awareness/existence/being.
Finally! This is it!
Religious grace.
Become one with God, with everything. Became pure existence, which is what everything has in common. So I became one with everything.
Pure essence of being.
Absolute truth is that existence is eternal. Existence is essential to who I am. Therefore I am eternal.
Secret of the universe. We are all one. I was made of vibration/energy.
Cosmic revelations. In heaven for eternity before being granted existence back on Earth. Floating back down.
I feel eternal. No concept of before or after. Was always there and will always be there.
It could only have been more intense if I never came back. Death itself.
Endless creation.
Heaven: eternal bliss.
Satisfied on the deepest possible level.
It was the experience of the revelation that I am nothing, and therefore everything.
Sensation coming back to my face. Realise I have a face, body etc.
The feeling of waking up from the most convincing dream (waking reality).
Existence or being is fundamental and connects everything. All is one.
Initial start with DMT visuals. But then no self, melt/explode into bright white light, pure awareness and one with the infinite void. One with God in the eternal now. Universal knowledge. Don't forget this. Then mind-body orgasm/bliss. Then DMT visuals with elf activity, hyper-complex building and creating. Feel my back more, then more of my body. Open eyes once I know I have them. Feeling of being in/returning from heaven. But visuals too intense and fast, golden light and hyperspace. Close them and see elf activity slowing down/fading away. But entity looks very pleased and bidding me farewell while self-transforming. So good to see you! Come back soon! Then fetal position, still not human, feel reborn, light, with every atom of me singing with love. Ego and memories return. Mindblown and overwhelmed with gratitude and thanks. Then back to mescaline tripping level. Listening to carbon based lifeforms and went perfectly with beauty of rain and plants. A trip that kept on giving. Plants were alive. Everything felt full of life. I felt serene.
My whole being was filled with love. Deep healing self-love. Lived a life without self-love and fear of being loved.
Outside of space and time. Timeless. Time stopped.
The transformation is the essence of the thing that happened.'
Some of my doubts are about the authenticity of these 'memories'. I honestly can't tell what is genuine and what is embellishment. I can't tell if my interpretation of the trip is integration or just adding details that I would like to be there. It really irritates me that I can't recall what this experience was like at the time. When I say something like 'infinite void', this concept makes sense to the magnitude of what I experienced, and I have had a glimmer of a memory of something like this, but I just don't know. I wish I had written the trip down after coming down. I feel like I was blessed by such a precious experience, and I could have retained so much more.
It is strange that I could feel regret and irritation by an experience like this. But I am just trying to notice these feelings. They are a pattern or habit that I repeat. Deep down, I know the experience fills me with gratitude and has profoundly changed my life for the better (I truly believe it helped to save me during a deep depression).
The other question I've been thinking about is if I ever want to do DMT again. My friend has some and offered me the experience, but honestly, I don't know if I have this urge or itch to do it. I have had intense experiences before this one, more like McKenna's. But this one seemed to blow all the others out the water. I can't even call it a 'trip' or psychedelic, it was way beyond that. It was everything I had been longing for.
The only thing that makes me want to do it again is to remember more. But I don't know if I want to go down that rabbit hole again. I know if I start chasing this experience, I may not get it. And I'll just start using DMT in the hope of chasing this high. I desperately want to solidify the knowledge that yes, I had this feeling of oneness, eternity, infinity etc. But is this a kind of ego trip in itself?
Anyway, despite these obsessive thoughts, I am so grateful for the experience. The feeling of divinity and ultimate liberation is something I won't forget, I know that. And I believe it has helped me to 'switch on a light' and change my sense of being in the world.
Any input is much appreciated
Thank you.
But because of an existential/personal crisis I was having recently (depression, self-hatred and suicidal thoughts), as well as doing wider reading and listening to lots of Ram Dass and Alan Watts, some ideas I encountered really resonated with me. And this started me obsessively thinking about that DMT experience.
I would just like to shared some notes that I've been typing into my phone whenever I've had a certain a-ha moment; when I could either remember an aspect of the experience (usually because I was stoned, which helps memory recall) or because I had been exposed to an idea that gave me this feeling of, yes, I know this! So here are the notes. They do not follow any sequence in the trip, just what I feel capture some elements of the experience. I also have lots of nagging questions and doubts!
'It was like I existed forever. Endless existence after death. Then I began to wake up from the eternal dream, eternity slowed down, compressed, and I began to exist for months instead. So much time! Overwhelming. The trip was so much more powerful than others that the hyperspace part was delayed and happened after the God experience, and kept going on and on. I was thinking I've experienced enough.
Ego comes back in as I realise I had smoked DMT, but had been deep in that space for so long. I was sure the mescaline had extended the trip in 'real time'. But also the waking construct of 'time' trying to make sense of the unspeakable. Disbelief, mind blown by eternity. "I was gone for so long."
And the body high. All of the mescaline euphoric body stretching and sensitivity exploded into pure sensation. A body made of energy, endless waves of orgasm and mind-body oneness of pleasure. Heavenly heights. Sublime. Then floating with my light euphoric mind-body back to earth.
The roar of eternity. The stillness of pure being. Existing for eternity in the now. The deep liberating feeling of being without mental baggage or ego, for eternity! This is the apex, the ultimate goal. This is the absolute height, or depth?, of human experience. This is a human experience! Deeply sacred and human.
Ground of being. The source. Ultimate reality.
Carrier wave aum. Sound and vision and being become one and everything! I am this. This is everything.
No distinction between knowledge and existence. I knew and was the totality. Not abstract knowledge, thinking about matters of waking life, but direct, pure and absolute understanding.
Overwhelming bliss. God's finger pressed firmly on the eternal pleasure button.
Overwhelming power, beauty, joy.
Ultimate liberation, freedom, release. Rebirth. Born again. Forgiven, wiped clean.
That feeling of going blind, numb and deaf from an orgasm. That times infinity.
Melting into the void. I was erased. Tears of gratitude for the experience and coming back into my self, my body, cleansed.
Ineffable. Unutterable. Too great for words. Pure love. Filled with light, love and forgiveness.
More relaxed and at peace. More compassion and understanding. I see myself and humanity in others. Much more interested in the life experiences of others. Smile more, look into people's eyes more.
Back in the womb. Home. No sense of other. No sense of self. Warm darkness, enclosed. All needs are met. Blissfully buoyant.
Pure awareness/existence/being.
Finally! This is it!
Religious grace.
Become one with God, with everything. Became pure existence, which is what everything has in common. So I became one with everything.
Pure essence of being.
Absolute truth is that existence is eternal. Existence is essential to who I am. Therefore I am eternal.
Secret of the universe. We are all one. I was made of vibration/energy.
Cosmic revelations. In heaven for eternity before being granted existence back on Earth. Floating back down.
I feel eternal. No concept of before or after. Was always there and will always be there.
It could only have been more intense if I never came back. Death itself.
Endless creation.
Heaven: eternal bliss.
Satisfied on the deepest possible level.
It was the experience of the revelation that I am nothing, and therefore everything.
Sensation coming back to my face. Realise I have a face, body etc.
The feeling of waking up from the most convincing dream (waking reality).
Existence or being is fundamental and connects everything. All is one.
Initial start with DMT visuals. But then no self, melt/explode into bright white light, pure awareness and one with the infinite void. One with God in the eternal now. Universal knowledge. Don't forget this. Then mind-body orgasm/bliss. Then DMT visuals with elf activity, hyper-complex building and creating. Feel my back more, then more of my body. Open eyes once I know I have them. Feeling of being in/returning from heaven. But visuals too intense and fast, golden light and hyperspace. Close them and see elf activity slowing down/fading away. But entity looks very pleased and bidding me farewell while self-transforming. So good to see you! Come back soon! Then fetal position, still not human, feel reborn, light, with every atom of me singing with love. Ego and memories return. Mindblown and overwhelmed with gratitude and thanks. Then back to mescaline tripping level. Listening to carbon based lifeforms and went perfectly with beauty of rain and plants. A trip that kept on giving. Plants were alive. Everything felt full of life. I felt serene.
My whole being was filled with love. Deep healing self-love. Lived a life without self-love and fear of being loved.
Outside of space and time. Timeless. Time stopped.
The transformation is the essence of the thing that happened.'
Some of my doubts are about the authenticity of these 'memories'. I honestly can't tell what is genuine and what is embellishment. I can't tell if my interpretation of the trip is integration or just adding details that I would like to be there. It really irritates me that I can't recall what this experience was like at the time. When I say something like 'infinite void', this concept makes sense to the magnitude of what I experienced, and I have had a glimmer of a memory of something like this, but I just don't know. I wish I had written the trip down after coming down. I feel like I was blessed by such a precious experience, and I could have retained so much more.
It is strange that I could feel regret and irritation by an experience like this. But I am just trying to notice these feelings. They are a pattern or habit that I repeat. Deep down, I know the experience fills me with gratitude and has profoundly changed my life for the better (I truly believe it helped to save me during a deep depression).
The other question I've been thinking about is if I ever want to do DMT again. My friend has some and offered me the experience, but honestly, I don't know if I have this urge or itch to do it. I have had intense experiences before this one, more like McKenna's. But this one seemed to blow all the others out the water. I can't even call it a 'trip' or psychedelic, it was way beyond that. It was everything I had been longing for.
The only thing that makes me want to do it again is to remember more. But I don't know if I want to go down that rabbit hole again. I know if I start chasing this experience, I may not get it. And I'll just start using DMT in the hope of chasing this high. I desperately want to solidify the knowledge that yes, I had this feeling of oneness, eternity, infinity etc. But is this a kind of ego trip in itself?
Anyway, despite these obsessive thoughts, I am so grateful for the experience. The feeling of divinity and ultimate liberation is something I won't forget, I know that. And I believe it has helped me to 'switch on a light' and change my sense of being in the world.
Any input is much appreciated
Thank you.
