Mental Health Becoming more pessimistic, self-pity, projecting frustration onto others

[Corazon]

some background I have PTSD, and have had a horrible last 11 years, and this month sucked. :D

I usually just tell myself that I do not have mental issues, that the only problems in my life are that I am sick(physically), and that I have no money.

I really have handled traumatic situations and kind of a bad break with my health like a champ for the most part.

It's kind of a joke = When people say "mannn do you need someone to talk to?" I say I don't have to see a shrink, all i have to do is ask an honest woman out, and she'll tell me what is wrong ("Sorry buddy, you don't have a job and you're sick").

I probably would be happy again with some socioeconomic status and some good pussy.
But I also want to get to that point as fast as possible and not sabotage myself with negativity.

I'm a little worried about my mental health lately.
My pessimistic attitude and feeling sorry for myself has started to become a negative force in my progress.
My progress in thinking and learning on a daily basis has REALLY plateaued, and my thinking is often cloudy(believe it or not I am usually a semi-brilliant thinker). I am one of the best(amateurs and in terms of insight/theory) in my field. Unfortunately my field is not exactly universally respected or instantly profitable. I am moving toward that point of success, but it could take another year or two, even if all goes well. I don't want to blow it , or go insane, or become a total malicious asshole who hates everybody by the time I do get a little money and a little power.


splitting this into 2 , so someone actually reads

 

[Corazon]

Today I woke up and my spine was fucking hurting(after 2 days of progress working out and doing yard work). I cried. Not for the pain, but for the mental pain. I need to stop fucking feeling sorry for myself. My self image sucks lately, I'm getting apathetic and anhedonic. I don't even look at beautiful women, much less flirt, smile, make eye-contact, or crack a joke. It's like I'm not even in the game and why bother?
But it's wimpy shit like this thought process that is putting me in a constant bad groove.
I'm not enjoying "the journey" one bit. I'm fucking LOATHING life right now.

Another thing I've started is projecting my inadequacies onto other people. I literally have caught myself repeating "I HATE THESE PEOPLE" (usually after some crushing thought). Jealousy, but 11 years ago I would not have given a fuck. I hate people whom I feel uncomfortable around who somehow don't give me respect and social status(which is logically unreasonable as I am a random disabled guy). It's clearly me blaming "them". Sometimes it's a fucking asshole who "made me" have that awkward experience who I "hate" when the uncomfortable memory pops up..... and sometimes i've caught myself saying that when i just feel horrible in general. Like "these people" are to blame. Who are "these people"?

Anyway these type of things are fucking up my day to day, which is enough of a struggle as-is.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Thanks for letting me vent

 

[BlueHues]

Man I've experienced a lot of different things in my life. I've done a lot of travelling and experienced a lot of things, lived a life that a lot of people dream of experiencing...It hasn't been exactly glamorous....but I've learned a lot about people and a lot about surviving and being happy with little in the way of money and material possessions...

I'm bipolar....I've suffered crippling depression where I can't think clearly or accomplish anything, Ive also experienced mania to where nobody can keep up with me and I end up sometimes having delusions of grandeur...

I'm more depressed at the moment, and my thoughts are kind of cloudy and muddled...I'm used to being able to have the insight to see where my emotions are coming from and the words to express myself....It's frustrating when my mind clouds over like it has been lately!

No matter how intelligent you are or how great your ideas, if you don't have the credentials to back it up and you're poor, the majority of people in the world will just dismiss you and write you off as a being a ""nobody"...I feel like people are conditioned to judge themselves and others based on very shallow, superficial means of measuring a person's worth.

I'm not sure what your "field" is, or exactly what you're referring to, but it's best to make realistic goals for yourself and to never to give up....The tide will turn eventually. If you're a writer or an artist of some kind, it can take a lot of effort to get people to even take notice of what you're doing...Rejection happens to everyone, especially in the area of art...

Right now, I'm just setting small goals for myself to keep myself engaged in life everyday...If I don't do anything meaningful, my self-esteem just gets lower and lower...You come off to other people as being detached or miserable....They notice, treat you accordingly, and it just compounds itself....Force yourself to keep moving and don't let the dark feelings overwhelm you!

 

[Corazon]

Man I've experienced a lot of different things in my life. I've done a lot of travelling and experienced a lot of things, lived a life that a lot of people dream of experiencing...It hasn't been exactly glamorous....but I've learned a lot about people and a lot about surviving and being happy with little in the way of money and material possessions...

I'm bipolar....I've suffered crippling depression where I can't think clearly or accomplish anything, Ive also experienced mania to where nobody can keep up with me and I end up sometimes having delusions of grandeur...

I'm more depressed at the moment, and my thoughts are kind of cloudy and muddled...I'm used to being able to have the insight to see where my emotions are coming from and the words to express myself....It's frustrating when my mind clouds over like it has been lately!

No matter how intelligent you are or how great your ideas, if you don't have the credentials to back it up and you're poor, the majority of people in the world will just dismiss you and write you off as a being a ""nobody"...I feel like people are conditioned to judge themselves and others based on very shallow, superficial means of measuring a person's worth.

I'm not sure what your "field" is, or exactly what you're referring to, but it's best to make realistic goals for yourself and to never to give up....The tide will turn eventually. If you're a writer or an artist of some kind, it can take a lot of effort to get people to even take notice of what you're doing...Rejection happens to everyone, especially in the area of art...

Right now, I'm just setting small goals for myself to keep myself engaged in life everyday...If I don't do anything meaningful, my self-esteem just gets lower and lower...You come off to other people as being detached or miserable....They notice, treat you accordingly, and it just compounds itself....Force yourself to keep moving and don't let the dark feelings overwhelm you!

Thank you BlueHues. You actually seem like you can relate.

 

[herbavore]

^That was a really great response, Blues.
Corazon, I think that when you say you don't even have it in you to "play the game" maybe that is a place you could stop and examine. The "game", as a metaphor for life, just isn't real. Culture and capitalism would have you believe that it is real--that there are rules and a very real hierarchy of status and rewards and when played properly (ie you understand how the game works and can "master" it) that you will attain happiness. Happiness is presented as the opposite to loneliness. But in reality, there is no game, no winners and no losers, just human beings suffering more and more with feelings of inadequacy and feelings of being victimized--an epidemic of loneliness. The culture prods us to see ourselves as failures and to continue to try to project success outwardly so as not to give our little secret away. The truth is that so many people feel exactly the same way--but spend all their energy hiding or disguising or denying--that there is no place for connection with each other in any real way. So, we have to take the reins. The absolute best antidote for my own loneliness has been to try to recognize and alleviate that feeling in someone else. By transferring my concern from myself to someone else I no longer see myself as a victim, suffering alone, but as another person that understands the loneliness that we humans all feel.

Negative thoughts are debilitating for sure. I'm naturally pretty pessimistic and I can worry and get depressed over things easily. I have tried to counter this in myself by learning to pay really close attention to what is good at any given moment and to fully feel gratitude for it. It has become so clear to me what a thief worrying is! It steals the present from you over and over again. For example, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for my house as I get older. I can get really worked up about the financial security I don't have, feeling victim to this system and my own "bad" choices (I'm going to be an artist LOL), or I can stop and actually enjoy my home because right now I have it.

Loneliness is interesting to me. I think that there is day-to-day loneliness and then there is existential loneliness. The day to day loneliness reflects that we are essentially animals that need to be part of a pack. Existential loneliness is our human condition. We are blessed and cursed with the knowledge that in reality we can never be fully known or understood by anyone and are essentially alone no matter how loved we are. I have learned with age to actually find this comforting. Isolation is not comfortable for most people and I am not trying to diminish your feelings about that, but making peace with a certain level of loneliness seems to paradoxically alleviate the feeling because it makes you less needy and therefore more present to relationships. When you approach relationships burdened with your own needs so heavily, it scares people away. When they feel there is room for their own needs as well it usually goes better.

I hope that you can take strength from your user name (¡me gusta!) to hang on through this period of unease and questioning. Remember that it is times like these that are our best teachers. If you want strength you have to know your own weaknesses. The trick is to not judge yourself harshly for weakness or vulnerability. See it, explore it and use it to develop small goals for change.

 

[plmar]

I can't socialize with people and I push everyone away.
I've lost whoever the fuck could be considered a friend since high school and I haven't had credit on my phone for a year now
Deleted my FB and cut off all contact from anyone I knew because I fucking hate people

Haha that's funny now I'm typing it here making it seem like a call for help or something... please don't help I love being depressed and hating myself to hell and back and no that's no reverse psychology bullshit.
Shit the only downside to not knowing anyone is that I can't get any drugs to kill myself slowly on

 

[Corazon]

^That was a really great response, Blues.
Corazon, I think that when you say you don't even have it in you to "play the game" maybe that is a place you could stop and examine. The "game", as a metaphor for life, just isn't real. Culture and capitalism would have you believe that it is real--that there are rules and a very real hierarchy of status and rewards and when played properly (ie you understand how the game works and can "master" it) that you will attain happiness. Happiness is presented as the opposite to loneliness. But in reality, there is no game, no winners and no losers, just human beings suffering more and more with feelings of inadequacy and feelings of being victimized--an epidemic of loneliness. The culture prods us to see ourselves as failures and to continue to try to project success outwardly so as not to give our little secret away. The truth is that so many people feel exactly the same way--but spend all their energy hiding or disguising or denying--that there is no place for connection with each other in any real way. So, we have to take the reins. The absolute best antidote for my own loneliness has been to try to recognize and alleviate that feeling in someone else. By transferring my concern from myself to someone else I no longer see myself as a victim, suffering alone, but as another person that understands the loneliness that we humans all feel.

Negative thoughts are debilitating for sure. I'm naturally pretty pessimistic and I can worry and get depressed over things easily. I have tried to counter this in myself by learning to pay really close attention to what is good at any given moment and to fully feel gratitude for it. It has become so clear to me what a thief worrying is! It steals the present from you over and over again. For example, I worry a lot about how I am going to pay for my house as I get older. I can get really worked up about the financial security I don't have, feeling victim to this system and my own "bad" choices (I'm going to be an artist LOL), or I can stop and actually enjoy my home because right now I have it.

Loneliness is interesting to me. I think that there is day-to-day loneliness and then there is existential loneliness. The day to day loneliness reflects that we are essentially animals that need to be part of a pack. Existential loneliness is our human condition. We are blessed and cursed with the knowledge that in reality we can never be fully known or understood by anyone and are essentially alone no matter how loved we are. I have learned with age to actually find this comforting. Isolation is not comfortable for most people and I am not trying to diminish your feelings about that, but making peace with a certain level of loneliness seems to paradoxically alleviate the feeling because it makes you less needy and therefore more present to relationships. When you approach relationships burdened with your own needs so heavily, it scares people away. When they feel there is room for their own needs as well it usually goes better.

I hope that you can take strength from your user name (¡me gusta!) to hang on through this period of unease and questioning. Remember that it is times like these that are our best teachers. If you want strength you have to know your own weaknesses. The trick is to not judge yourself harshly for weakness or vulnerability. See it, explore it and use it to develop small goals for change.

thanks herbavore. It's hard for me to consider alternative perspectives. I am pretty wrapped up in "the game". I appreciate your post, it has a lot of wisdom. Having a funky day today as my back/spine has me out of commission and in pain, and the ten vicodin 5's from the ER are gone, and my doctor's appointment isn't for 11 more days.

 

[herbavore]

Sorry to hear that you are in physical pain.

 

[Corazon]

Sorry to hear that you are in physical pain.

thx

Have to go to my grandmother's to help her with some things, and I will probably call the nurse later (assuming they have an on-call nurse at the ER) for advice. It took me 5+ hrs at the ER last time and had to go for contrast-dye ct scans because they were concerned it wasn't my spine and was my heart(i know the difference). Also the last thing I need is to go there for pain and be labeled as "seeking meds". I was actually on pain management for 2 years, and decided on my own to try to come off of it (over 18months off) when I moved to this area.
Maybe if I talk to the nurse they will be reasonable. Also don't want to call my doctor(it's a new doctor, I have yet to meet) and ask for a pain script before the first appointment. Was kinda hoping to be magically cured when I woke up this morning.

Anyway I'm rambling. Thx for the empathy.

 

[Corazon]

I hit the lottery in terms of actually running into an emergency room Dr who treated me with respect and was knowledgable in terms of my condition.
He gave me good advice to pursue while I wait for the primary care doctor.
I was expecting them to treat me like a drug-seeker and disrespect me, but they were like "oh I am familiar with your disorder, wow you've had it rough". Complete surprise when you are used to BS.

 

[ad lib]

I hit the lottery in terms of actually running into an emergency room Dr who treated me with respect and was knowledgable in terms of my condition.
He gave me good advice to pursue while I wait for the primary care doctor.
I was expecting them to treat me like a drug-seeker and disrespect me, but they were like "oh I am familiar with your disorder, wow you've had it rough". Complete surprise when you are used to BS.

I'm so happy to hear that. I truly hope things start looking up for you soon my friend.

 

[herbavore]

Isn't it amazing how we are shocked to find a doctor that has retained their humanity at the end of their training? I am glad you experienced such a person. Hopefully your primary care doc will be the same.