Becoming and adult and depression/anxiety

[theactualstevie]

Hi Bluelighters

This is my first thread on this forum, just joined initially to research about MDMA as it's something I think I want to try after doing mephedrone last year.

I don't really know where to start but here I go. I'm an 18 year old English guy, average looking, dark emo hair, with a severe speech stutter. I feel I've got the point in my life where I how I feel won't change. By this I mean I feel like I'm an adult, I'm cynical, pessimistic, too realistic and generally feel a lot of
hate towards many people, many of which I don't even know.

I'm not saying adults are like that, I mean that it feels like 2 years ago I was just a completely different person, I've not changed physically, but I feel like
I was so naive back then.

I used to not give a fuck about what anyone thought of me. In my teen years of school from 14-16 I was the only "emo" at my boarding school. I just liked the look and thought fuck it, why not, people told me that they loved how confident I was, other people yelled shit at me, told me to cut my wrists and and said I was a girl or whatever the fuck they used to say. I just did not give a shit, I had friends and I loved them!

I left that all behind when I went to 6th form, left my friends as I couldn't get in to the same 6th form since I applied late. My parents always wanted me to go to uni and become a doctor and thought I was intelligent enough to do so. I didn't do hardly any work, I just got home, played xbox, met up with my mates on the weekend. I started to isolate myself at college, just like sit in the bathroom to eat lunch for example.. It was pretty bad on my self esteem. But I really couldn't find a group like I had before. I had a few friends but sometimes it felt so pretend. Like I didn't like them but I just wanted some company(all nice guys). 6th form was a let down.

I did shit in the first year, but hey, I don't think I cared, I just procrastinate and tell myself "next year Ill try" or thinking id retake after the waking up call of getting shit grades.

the summer in between 1st year and 2nd year 6th form was incredible, and to this day I feel it's the last time I was properly happy.

I found a girlfriend who was beautiful(this was my first proper one), I saw my mates from school(one before 6th form) all the time, we smoked weed together, did some mephedrone a couple of times, played xbox, just didnt give a fuck and just lived life. I felt like I had everything I wanted. I was never bored or lonely or anxious. I lost my virginity to my girlfriend and bragged to my mates, just all the things were just right, everything was easy.

Then came the last week of summer. I was still with my girlfriend, I remember the first time I felt it. She asked me to sneak to her house in the night. This would mean leaving mine at 9pm(so my parents wouldn't think I was up to something) then arriving at her station at 12Am for last train, waiting till 2AM and then jumping over her fence and meeting her a in shed.

I did it, and did think anything of it while doing it. We met up for a few hours and I left at 5am to get the train home. When I got home I got into bed. I
started to think. Why did I do all of that?

Do I even love her?
Am I doing this for sex?
Why does she love me?

It seemed like before I was just doing it for sex and if we broke up I wouldn't care like my other gfs but now I didn't know.. What if I loved her.

I felt like I didn't know what I wanted or who I really even was.

I spoke to her everyday, spoke to her dad to get his approval to meet her, only saw her about once a month because her parents hated me, but I still kept it going. I didn't mention to her I was feeling weird about it. I tried SO hard to make it feel right, like it did before. But it wasn't the same, and I don't think it was for her either. It wasn't working but neither of us wanted to accept it.

So there I was at 6th form for the 2nd year, I had done jack shit work just about, started off for about 2 weeks with good intentions but then I fucked it up. I was getting really stressed and anxious about life changing decisions. I would wake up, look at my phone, see the picture of me and her and just want to go back to sleep and never have to deal with anything in my life.

This built up over a long time.
I was getting really clingy on to her and would analyse every word she said, and be paranoid she didn't like me.
She started to mess with me a bit, I was wrapped around her finger, she knew this. From what I knew she was bipolar.
When she was manic or just happy, she would destroy me, never agree with anything I said, make me jealous,
hint things weren't working.

November that year(2010), about 3 months after summer ended, I was not going to any lessons, I was getting very unmotivated, socially isolated, and I guess pretty depressed.

As I said I was under her control. from what I remember she was being completely destrutive to me on MSN, the phone, facebook whatever.
she knew if she acted as if she didn't care about the relationship I would worry.
one night on MSN she talks to me with just short, snide in some way, replies. She was toying with me. I said I felt like shit, I cant remmeber what she said after this, but she didnt ask why. I had cared so much for her, and it was so much effort to do so, as I wasn't even sure I had feelings for her.

I came off MSN. came on the computer an hour later and saw her picture changed from me and her to just her.
It made me SO fucking mad, and completely wrecked and heartbroken, there was some obvious wallposts/statuses that were aimed at me too.(remmeber I was paranoid back then, whether they were or not, I do not know)

I text her saying thanks for stabbing in the heart. she didnt reply. I text her making out I was solvent abusing, to get her attention, and she called me
an idiot and I dont think much happened with that. I think I cut myself after she still didnt care.

the day after. in the college bathroom, I text her and break up with her. She ODs on paracetamol and alcohol and goes to hospital.
im the bad guy. to everyone. I contact her in hospital and she asks for me back. I go back.

Nothing happened, we tryed to talk more etc.

I was smoking weed everynight after that, huge rips, I had been to the doctor and got meds around this time. I didn't enjoy the weed. I had some of the worst panic attacks Ive experienced, in which I forgot who I was, or the concept of life and humans. this took my mind of the stress. I barely spoke to her, we had planned to meet on the 22nd december. We did and it was nice. nice in till the point she grabbed my wrist to look at my scars, I brought it away from her, she said fine.. and looked angry/rejected. I just burst out crying. I couldn't try any harder for this one person yet I wasnt good enough. I didnt tell her why, I didnt know why. She was all sweet and caring. I brought her a white gold necklace for xmas and put it on for her. The next day she
starts and arguement with me and I just go skits and tell her to fuck off. I didnt mean to break up and didnt think we had. I was just lying in bed depressed I had done for the past 4 weeks. then I get a reply implying we had broken up. I literally screamed and cryed and punched my matress and the wall. I never want to feel that hurt again. I was in the worst depression for a week. I deleted her and ignored her completely for months and months. I also
became addicted to WoW, lost a lot of weight, started smoking, I didnt leave my room, I went to bed at 4 am and woke up and 4pm.


that was december

It is now 2011 november so 11 months later.

I can't hold relationships with people, Im so paranoid, people say Im deluded. I cant speak to her without randomly going skits. ( I found out she was
cheating on me in december this march)

Im so defensive.
Now when people ask me to explain my depression to them, my dad, the doctor etc, I tear up.
I never thought it would happen to me.

Im unmotivated, and dont enjoy anything I used to.

This is getting better I think though. I've started a new job at an IT ISP company, and I feel like I have purpose!
its not so much its enjoyable, but my mind isnt left to wander anymore.

I still smoke weed about 4/7 days a week and want to try MDMA to break my social anxiety and make some new relationships.

I doubt anyone will read all of this but I cant speak very well, so it helped me making this anyway

Any comments or questions, feel free to post!

Thanks,

Stevie

 

[badfish45]

Hey man, that was quite the story there. You sound a lot like me. Aside from the fact i play WoW and smoke weed...we're just socially anxious people searching for happiness in the world. Like me, you're a very sensitive guy, you care about the people you love and even when they slip away from your love, it affects you deeply. I will tell you this now, that mentality you had for "I don't give a fuck" back in high school, try and think really hard as to where that came from. Try to relive that, not the past, but the reasons you had for not caring. Just remember this, feelings and personality traits are not all permanent. You can always change what you don't like about yourself if you are willing to change. Bad things will always happen in life, the important thing to know is to learn to cope with them and that they will always pass by. Above all. Drugs will never solve them. Sorry I can't say much because I have to get going, but I wish you only the best. Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever want to talk.

 

[Dave]

Neither will WoW... get out while you can!

I also stutter, or rather used to, and have had a long struggle with social and generalized anxiety. More the former than the latter. What I can tell you is that MDMA will help while you're high, but will probably make things worse, or at least no better, when you're sober.

Two questions. Are you seeing a psychologist? You really should be; there are several excellent non-pharmaceutical treatments available, and I can attest that they can work better than the pharmaceutical ones in the long run. Secondly: is your stutter untreated? If so, send me a PM and I can point you in the direction of a program that may work wonders for you. They're located in Canada, but there may be options for travel bursaries and the like.

Welcome to Bluelight by the way, and to The Dark Side! :D

 

[theactualstevie]

Hey man, that was quite the story there. You sound a lot like me. Aside from the fact i play WoW and smoke weed...we're just socially anxious people searching for happiness in the world. Like me, you're a very sensitive guy, you care about the people you love and even when they slip away from your love, it affects you deeply. I will tell you this now, that mentality you had for "I don't give a fuck" back in high school, try and think really hard as to where that came from. Try to relive that, not the past, but the reasons you had for not caring. Just remember this, feelings and personality traits are not all permanent. You can always change what you don't like about yourself if you are willing to change. Bad things will always happen in life, the important thing to know is to learn to cope with them and that they will always pass by. Above all. Drugs will never solve them. Sorry I can't say much because I have to get going, but I wish you only the best. Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever want to talk.

I'm really hoping things will change for the better, is needs to be easy again to actually be honest without being scared. And I wish it was easier to get back into the
carefree mindset. Thanks for the reply badfish, thanks for reading that too :D

Neither will WoW... get out while you can!

I also stutter, or rather used to, and have had a long struggle with social and generalized anxiety. More the former than the latter. What I can tell you is that MDMA will help while you're high, but will probably make things worse, or at least no better, when you're sober.

Two questions. Are you seeing a psychologist? You really should be; there are several excellent non-pharmaceutical treatments available, and I can attest that they can work better than the pharmaceutical ones in the long run. Secondly: is your stutter untreated? If so, send me a PM and I can point you in the direction of a program that may work wonders for you. They're located in Canada, but there may be options for travel bursaries and the like.

Welcome to Bluelight by the way, and to The Dark Side!

I care about people, but it's getting to the point where I almost always get my expectations ruined, if I do someone a favour and I could be laughing at something they say to make them feel comfortable.. lend them a few pounds without making the pay back, letting them use my baccy, or just anything like that. And when I want
something back, or just expect it, it so rarely happens, and it hurts me.

I'm seeing a doctor and I'm prescribed for Mirtazapine, 30mg atm(2nd month). It helps me sleep, but that's about all I notice so far.
Non Pharmaceutical such as like councilling? Yeah my stutter is untreated, I wish I lived in cananda, it costs a lot to get anything done here

Thanks a lot for replying, and also for the welcome
Stevie

 

[-=SS=-]

I still smoke weed about 4/7 days a week and want to try MDMA to break my social anxiety and make some new relationships.

I wouldn't place faith in drugs getting you out of social anxiety.. you need to deal with it head on, and you can't do that if you're smoking all the time. Besides cannabis magnifies your underlying mental state, so if you're anxious and depressed it tends to make you focus more on that.. then if you do that for extended periods of time it becomes neurological and not just mental. Speaking from experience here btw. Trust me, at your age your brain is incredibly plastic.. if you go clean now you will find it much easier to readjust than if you carry on for years and then try to reverse the damage!

You shouldn't use cannabis to "self-medicate" yourself.. it doesn't work and at the end of the day is just a rationalization, it is the drug speaking through you for continued indulgence. Smoking as much as you do isn't a good idea.. again speaking from experience here. Going sober can seem lame or whatever, but you need to do it, you need to face your problems head on. Have a little faith in yourself.. you'll pull through.. it is what we are designed to do by nature! All the best to you

 

[Dave]

Haven't gotten a PM yet

It costs a lot to get it treated here too, but there are funding opportunities if the case fits.

Non-pharmaceutical as in psychology rather than psychiatry. Treating the cause rather than putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.

Sorry for the quick reply, but I've got to run. Will be back in a bit and I'll discuss expectation. Until then, let me say: consider that perhaps it is the expectation rather than the result that causes disappointment.

 

[Mariposa]

Stevie,

Welcome to Bluelight.

Similar happened to me when I was your age (oh dear, I feel so old at age 31!). I was diagnosed with panic disorder at age 19. 12 years later, I live an interesting and fulfilling life which is mostly happy. You will too - provided you get on it! The help provided by my therapist continues to be instrumental. Yep, there is a brighter side if you get it treated.

Herb makes panic disorder loads worse for some. For me, my panic attacks are treated with medication and therapy. I have to lay off the caffeine - it makes me super panicky. Taking a proactive approach to your issues, however you choose to treat them, is the way to do it.

I have every confidence you will. Panic disorder is a real smack in the face, isn't it? It is incapacitating and there isn't a cure. This said, I like hot baths, tea, and I take fewer of my benzos.

Yes, it's possible. You'll be just fine as long as it is treated! My best to you.

EDIT: I do spend a lot on my treatment. I don't like that, but it has been so far worth it. Really lay off caffeine and eat a nutritious diet. You will be fine.

 

[skinnylegz]

Hey man, just wanna let you know you're not alone out there. I always have suffered from depression and been pretty agoraphobic, but lately it has just taken a turn for the worst. I'm a recovering heroin/coke addict, and have relapsed twice lately, but I'm on a steady methadone regiment so the relapses aren't really worrying me.

Like I said, I've been feeling really depressing, lethargic, and agoraphobic for months now (I also play WoW too, it helps to past the time). I lost my job because of it, and I'm going back on welfare to have them take care of my rent. I just have no desire to do anything. I barely shower, I have to force myself to eat, and I really can't motivate myself to do anything. I've hurt my girlfriend in this process by asking too much from her and just being too ashamed of myself to spend time with her.

I know I'm jumping around a lot, and I really have no idea what the purpose of this post is, but I guess I just wanted to say that you're not the only one who is having a tough time getting a grasp on life. I'm 24 and all my friends are where they should be but me I'm just falling behind and still dependent on others to survive. I feel pathetic, and I truly wish I could just sleep the rest of my life away.

If anyone out there wants to talk, feel free to PM me.

 

[theactualstevie]

Hey, just to say, thanks a lot for all the reassurance and replies, it really means a lot I will reply properly when I get back from
work.
Stevie