Be careful what you wish for

Fuck where do I start? So I guess it happened again didn't it? I was so sure I was done this time. I told so many people that I actually started to believe my own propaganda. I thought hey you know with the suboxone, hash, lsd, people who care about me. I thought shit could be different this time. Fuck you know, I wanted to believe it was possible! But sadly it's not.

I feel like writing a treatise on where it all went wrong. How fucking defeated I feel. How I never asked to put on this miserable planet. How I fuck up everything good in my sorry ass excuse for a life. I had this stupid fucking idea when I was younger that the consequences of my actions could be hand waved away through some superior power of intelligence or sheer rationalization that I thought I could summon at will. Yeah supreme delusions of grandeur. I can't claim ignorance. The evidence was right in front of my face. The consequences of my actions piling up like dead bodies down the street, everyone a little closer to home but still far enough away to say "ok it stops here, no further I got this". Before I knew it they where all piled up at the front door.

At first it was subtle peoples attitude toward me changed. Relatives who once talked to me didn't. I started hearing that I wasn't invited to events I was previously would have been. "Whatever I didn't want to go anyway". Then I start hearing the whispers "he always looked tired. What's wrong with his eyes?" Then I start losing my cool, a rig left out here, blood on a towel there,cookers in my room, bags full of used rigs, bank account overdrawn. Shit no more cards to play game over motherfucker.

Then people started using terms I wasn't comfortable with. Junky, IV drug abuser, poly drug addict, relapse, rehab, arrest, relapse, tough love, enabled, higher power, 12 steps, treatment resistant, maintenance. This whole new vocabulary of bullshit that now defines my existence. I'm now locked into this cycle that I have no idea how to break. All these definitions I don't agree with now define my life.

What sucks is that my decisions caused this to happen. It really didn't have to be like this. I could have said "nah man I'm not gonna tempt fate and shoot smack".Or "that was cool but never again". It's even worse that it was so many little decisions over the years that led me to this moment. I "can't say well fuck I made a mistake.". More like a series of colossal fucking errors that continue across ten years. And the worst part is I can't say it did not go exactly to plan. No fucking coincidences or accidents here. Got everything I wanted before I realized I didn't really want it t all.

 

You're intelligent and very strong… you will figure out what to do. You already know what to do. You just have to do it. I believe in you

 

never give up man. i was in the same boat as you... i was a heroin addict for over 9yrs each day it gets better its never too late to make rite

 

It happens to the best of us.....it happens over and over to so many - you're not alone! Stop kicking yourself!! Take it easy, keep your goal in sight. Take baby steps because every little thing counts. Plan well, put everything you need in place and walk slowly towards your goal. But for right now - just stop thinking so negatively - chill a little and believe in yourself! Embrace all the good qualities you have and believe also in your strength! Take some deep breaths, relax, and realize each new day can be a new beginning and when the time is right you honestly will kick this out of your life once and
for all. I know you can do it! If I can do it - anybody can do it!
Oh, and btw, the only thing that defines your life is you!

 

Thanks for the kind words everyone. Things are pretty fucked up right now and only seem to be getting worse. I am going to try and seek some kind of proffesional help. Maybe methadone and anti-depressants. I just feel really defeated and hopeless about my situation. As I really thought I had it all figured it out as little as a month ago.

 

That sucks. It sounds like you're still less than one month into this run - have you ever tried kratom tea to help taper and quit? Kratom can be habit-forming and nasty to quit as well, but at least it's cheap and much safer.

 

Hey socko thanks for the kratom recomdendation I have tried it before with mixed results. The thing is I am still addicted to suboxone as I have been for the last 5 years. I use the dope when I have money for it. As I am sure you know suboxone is a heavy drug to be hooked on so it makes the kratom not as effective as it would be otherwise. At this point I don't think I can quit opiates until I get my mental health issues taken care of. I have been hiding from from depression for some time now. Not wanting to get on SSRIs because they scare me and I really like being able to do MDMA and LSD when I want to. In fact I have 3 hits of real good L that I keep debating on when to take. I have this theory that LSD finds me when I really need it. So I am hopeing a really strong trip will give me some direction on which way I need to go. I also want to take time to thank you for your kindness in replying to my blog and PMs over the last few months. I have been inspired by reading your blogs to think outside the box of what is supposed to make me happy as defined by society. Anyway I hope Europe is treating you well!

 

hi crimson. i'm going to put in a few links here that i think will help you with inspiration for getting better. one will be a zefrank youtube video on dealing with rejection. then i'm going to reccomend you look into ibogaine. one of the best things about ibogaine treatment is that you won't have to go through withdraw. there are other benefits too. i'm going to share erowid links to ibogaine and the plants that contain it. then i'm going to share some information on a study that you might relate to; it deals with isolation and addiction. i want you to think abut those terms that help isolate you and in regards to how the rats are isolated in this experiment with morphine.

on a personal note: never think that just because some people can't handle this health topic and that because some people find it controversial and will ostrasize you doesn't mean that what they are doing is either right or wrong. i think it's wrong to isolate or ostrasize someone going through addiction. addiction, depression, and other topics are hard to talk about because it upsets people. but sometimes you have to do what is right for you. never forget how many people have quit it due to websites like these were people support you through what you are going through.

YOU ARE A PERSON. NO MATTER WHAT DRUGS YOU USE THAT DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR HUMANITY.

i hope you get better and i want you to know that those terms are just stereotypes. it's no different than terming the word "nigger" or "chink" or some other unforgiveable slander. junkie is extreemly offensive. i would never utter the word to describe a fellow human being. as for poly drug user that literally just means you use more than one drug. don't feel bad or guilty about drug use; and btw i think the LSD would actually help the addiction too. Psychedelic drugs seem to help addiction.

anyways here are the links; going in order of zefrank, ibogaine, and the study with the rats (it will be a comic book version but it follows the actual study exactly as it was)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWVElQ6NfcE

https://www.erowid.org/chemicals/ibogaine/ibogaine.shtml
you can find the plants that contain ibogaine in the related vaults section. you can also grow some of them legally and you can purchase fresh tabernathe iboga seeds for starting your own plant. then you can try finding someone to watch over you; try to get someone as professional as you can. and do as much research about the health and safety aspect of ibogaine as you can. ibogaine is highly successful in treating addiction.

now here is the scary but true part; that isolation leads into further addiction. i'm VERY glad you aren't completely isolated; you have this community to help support you through this. remember: you are a person.

http://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comics_en/rat-park/

i wish you luck *supportive hug* and i hope you get better. pm me anytime and if you want add me as a friend/contact. just because you do drugs doesn't mean you are any less than anyone else.