I’m aware this is a really long post. I added a lot of detail, probably in an attempt to personally connect with readers and potentially have better responses. I’m a 20 year old college student current at home for the summer. My problem is essentially a 25i bad trip induced depression/anxiety/depersonalization/ptsd that is mostly persisting over 3 months after the bad trip (although I stupidly had 2 kinda bad 25i trips after the first bad one about a month apart). Before the trip I was a very stable minded person with an unruffled sense of calm in stressful situations like job interviews, studying for finals or whatever. I was a very happy, positive, emotionally intelligent person with a strong sense of identity and was very focused on my studies. After the trip my thought processes and state of mind changed to the extent that I feel like a different person. My thought processes/temperament went from happy, curious, focused, and chill to having a constant anxiety and sadness that has made me unable to enjoy life AND lowered my productivity and ability to study/socialize/learn new things. I feel like a shadow of my former self. That’s the basic gist of my problems. Simply writing a thread like this on an online forum needing advice from others so badly is something i previously could never have imagined ever doing, but here goes.
Ideally i'd like for you to read the whole thing but i understand if it's too long. If you'd rather not read the whole thing or don't care for details, you can choose to ignore the text THAT is NOT BOLD. i'd prefer you at least read all the bold text but if you want to read EVEN LESS then go about halfway down the threat and start with "During the months of college from September i tripped..." and read the bold text from there and after
Background
I was 19 years old and back home between the summers of my freshman and sophomore years of college. For the most part I was a typical sort college kid – a socially pressured, under-motivated engineering student with average(mostly Cs and a few Bs) grades. My identity and sense of self were a little underdeveloped for my age and mundane, controllable things like poor day-to-day social interactions had a slight, but over time significant, effect on my emotions and personality. Basically by feeling judged by others (and my immature response of judging back and getting absorbed in petty group dynamics), my psyche/state of consciousness or whatever had become kinda worn, sad, negative and bitter (although I didn’t know it at the time, I was just coasting through life smoking weed and drinking with similar people, feeling satisfied at my mediocre grades and acting like I was doing a huge service to my parents by getting them).
Although I didn’t feel like it at the time and justified it because a lot of others were like it, my behaviors were pretty juvenile, I’ll mention them to emphasize how much of a tool I was in another way. I would blare mainstream, “turnup”/party music at obnoxiously loud volumes in my dorm, partly because I wanted to partly to get noticed. I (as well as everyone else I hung out with) would post pictures of ourselves hammered on facebook/Instagram with stupid captions like “we go hard.” In the event that I got laid with some skank I hung out with (sorry if that sounds misogynistic, it’s directed at the relevant individuals only), my fragile ego would get a temporary boost and I would brag about it for days. In retrospect, I’d invested a good chunk of my self-worth in terms of how others saw me making me try too hard.
That summer when I was back home I decided to try psilocybin mushrooms. I’d never had any experience with psychedelics except some “rolls” which were probably only partially MDMA, partially caffeine/speed/talcum powder – it felt great but wasn’t too impressionable. My friend who obtained them offered to sit for me during my first trip. My memory of what happened during the trip is shaky, I remember going to a park and being with him in the car while he drove and marveling at the visual morphing I was seeing. At a certain part I was feeling really distressed and like I was about to cry but once it was all over I felt pretty calm.
Throughout those next few days I started feeling different. My mind felt very clear, calm and focused on the present in such a way that it felt like a preexisting stress had been removed. looked at the world around me (while driving, interacting with people, walking through a park, watching a movie) in a different, much more interested way. I started analyzing my previous methods of thinking and realizing how petty and immature it was. I felt like a new and better person that was more mature and stable minded. I felt completely in control of my emotions and started thinking deeply about how I should react to different people, situations and things in life. I HAD DETACHED MYSELF FROM MY EGO AND WAS ABLE TO LOOK AT THINGS FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF AN OUTSIDER LOOKING IN ON IT OBJECTIVELY. In doing so, I was able to develop a positive attitude to everything. 2 months later by the end of summer my personality had changed so much I started to see myself as a different person. I felt completely comfortable in my own skin and enjoyed the time I spent alone. I explored different music and added 1000s of songs of different genres to my library, enjoying them in a way I’d never enjoyed music. I reread books I’d read as part of high school like “Brave New World”,“Crime and Punishment”, and All the King’s Men as well as Shakespeare plays and noticed intricacies about the plot that I hadn’t noticed before and became thoroughly engrossed in them, seeing new angles I never realized were there I became better at reading other people and situations by removing previously held petty personal and social biases. My outward view went from JUDGEMENTAL TO OBSERVATIONAL. I started thinking about things in our society in that way and almost completely reoriented what I valued:
Before: superficial friendships, social status, nice cars, looking rich/classy/cool, feeling superior to other people based on these things, e.t.c
After: music, art, learning things about the world ranging from human history/geologic history to biology and math (just about any academic subject had aspects that seemed interesting to me), good vibes, bonding with people over shared interests, love, existing
In college from September to March I spent the best time of my post-infant life. I lived to the fullest while excelling academically and other ways. I looked at my schoolwork (which was pretty heavy-calculus based physics, mechanical engineering and a highly compacted computer programming course) as a challenge and spent the necessary hours studying. This time however, the studying didn’t feel like grueling, boring work to be hated; it was sometimes tedious and frustrating, but also interesting and overall very fulfilling. I got a 3.7 GPA at the end of my first semester, higher than I’d ever gotten in high school or college while taking the hardest classes of my life. It was such a paradox – by not caring about the grade on paper and learning the material due to interest and intrinsic motivation, I got significantly better grades. I started hanging out with a smaller group of similar people. Of course I still drank heavily from time to time and had phases where I smoked a lot of weed, but it wasn’t at the expense of anything. It was obvious that when substances are done by mature, emotionally secure people who simply do so 100% for the sake of fun (rather than my previous group of friends who did it for fun + this neurotic need for peer approval/respect which manifested itself in the douchey mannerisms and conversations that went with any bout of drinking with them), it can be done responsibly.
Throughout this time, I realized that I had completely banished anxiety, shame, anger and bitterness from my mind. I was living without any social pressure and it felt great. I felt humbled yet strong and secure. By ceasing to try and come off as cool to others I became much cooler, having a very high and healthy self esteem without any outward arrogance or self-importance. On top of the world would be a better way to describe how I felt. By completely removing my desire to judge people and instead seeing everyone as an individual in their own right with unique positive qualities, I could connect with people much better. This allowed me to manage my relationship with people the way I wanted to. For example, at the university pool I worked at, many of my coworkers were the type of “tools” I used to hang out with but I suppressed my personal feelings in order to work with them smoothly(that is something many other people can do, but nonetheless it was something I lacked the social maturity to do smoothly only months before). And it all felt natural. Every life activity felt natural and easy. I had an unconditional love, curiosity and interest in myself, other people, and the world. I was just radiating positive energy. By letting myself go and simply living day to day I could be confident and charismatic, without even caring to be or wanting to be that way. (if I sound like a pompous asshole grossly overestimating myself I’m sorry but it’s an accurate description, read the next paragraph)
This showed itself to my peers - I made new acquaintances with many driven, smart, mostly older people; my professors – I’d stay after a lecture to schedule a meeting with him during office hours and have conversations about the subject matter that felt fulfilling, something I never did before; and my parents – when I visited them on thanksgiving/winter break, I did what I needed to do to better my relationship with them and make them trust me by having the necessary heart to heart conversations I neglected having for the past years. I had repaired my relationships to those who matter + forged more with people I liked, had no problems with anyone and removed as much negativity in my life as I could. I felt limitless. I was interested in, already had a good working knowledge of, and highly competent in the ability to pursue subjects like biology, physics, chemistry, history, sociology, politics, cultures; most importantly, I was completely content with my way of life and free of desires. (Things like getting a job after college seemed easy and not daunting at all. I was not materialistic in the slightest and knew I didn’t need a lot of money or possessions beyond the necessities like a place to live, stable food/water/utilities, and preferably items like a computer, a single tv, basic furniture, and maybe some extra income to travel)
I know my descriptions of myself in the aftermath of the shrooms trip may sound exaggerated, pretentious or arrogant. Same goes for my belief that I attained higher cognitive patterns and expanded my consciousness. But I’m certain it’s true. It’s NOT SOMETHING THAT’S SPECIFIC TO ME – THERES OTHERS I KNOW PERSONALLY + many others WHOM PSYCHEDELICS AFFECTED AS SUCH AS WELL AS PEOPLE WHO ARE NATURLLY LIKE THAT. I know many people have done psychedelics and have not been affected by them in a way that changes their personality likes this, but there are also many who have. I knew 6 or 7 kids personally who have expanded their consciousness as such. Perhaps it’s because the pursuit of knowledge/higher education was encouraged in my family from a young age as well as those of all the kids whom it affected as such that psychedelics instilled a such a curiosity about the world in them. I don’t know. I know that becoming that detached from your ego and having the indestructible happiness that goes with it made me realize that everything in life is a game with a million different aspects to every situation.
During those months of college from September – March I tripped on what was sold to me as acid but probably research chemicals, most likely 25i due to its bitter taste on three occasions. Over winter break I smoked DMT about 5 times. Every single one of those psychedelic experiences were amazing. In the aftermath of each I felt super calm and like I had enhanced my connection to the world around me. Even before my first shrooms trip, I’d heard reports about how psychedelics expand your consciousness and put you onto new levels of cognitive thinking. I don’t completely understand the idea of expanding your consciousness in a way that I can articulate. In the case of “new levels of cognitive thinking” however, I know my thinking was, and to a lesser extent still is, escalated to a much higher level than before.
Bad Trip
Around the beginning of March it happened. My friend and I decided to take 25i. The trip started out good but in the middle I started thinking about something - I don’t remember exactly what it was but it’s not too important – but I started feeling anxious. (in my previous trips me and my friends I tripped with had such a good handle on psychedelics and were very stable minded enough to handle weird/spooky stuff. As a matter of fact we’d sometimes try to mess with each other and push the limits of what we were comfortable with while tripping by doing random spontaneous shit to mess with each other. Ocassionally we’d make each other feel a little spooked but then whoever was doing it would stop and things would be chill again.) This time I was just thinking about me feeling anxious and how I had purged it out of my mind since the first shrooms trip. For some reason, by focusing on the anxiousness it started to feel even more intense until it was almost unbearable. And it wouldn’t go away. For the next 5 hours I was in crouched on the floor in almost fetal position with the strongest anxiety I’ve ever felt. I felt like I wanted to die or fall through the floor and disappear and cease to exist. It felt like I’d never be happy again. I’ve never felt such intense or prolonged distress in my life. By the time it was over, I felt like a different person. My temperament had changed from super chill/cool/collected to being a tweak with no control of him or herself.
After
For the next few days I stayed in my room. I was freaking out inside but had no idea what to do. I didn’t feel like me. I wasn’t me. I couldn’t calm down. When my friends came over to my room, I knew it was to a point where my anxiety was obvious to others. Making eye contact for more than 5 seconds was hard for me and I had anxiety etched all over my facial features. When I finally looked at myself in the mirror 2 days later I realized I had no control over my facial expression that whole time. IT was twisted into a permanently anguished/anxious expression. Eventually I was able to control it put on a forced calm expression but it took effort. I think the experience SHRANK MY CONSCIOUSNESS. When I was in my thermodynamics class, usually I’d have a rock solid focus on the equations and the physics involved and was able to get the labs and classwork done before everyone else while doing a near-perfect job but this time I just couldn’t think about it. I started getting distracted by things in the room (something which hadn’t happened to me once unless I purposefully let it in the past few months) and wondering why I was feeling anxious and if I’d ever feel the same again and I started tweaking and had to leave the class.
Next 3 months of school
The next 3 months were very hard. Over the next first 2 weeks I was able to calm down enough to start going to class, doing my work, and chilling with a few close friends. Whenever I smoked weed I’d start feeling like I did during the trip so I stopped doing that. Because of the recurring anxiety my ability to focus and think clearly were compromised, making the coursework harder than it shoud have. (I worked really hard and ended up with decent grades, a 3.0 GPA; grades, however, are the least of my worries right now). My coworkers noticed wondered what the fuck was going on. The CHANGE IN MY DEMEANOR, MANNERISMS, FACIAL EXPRESSIONS and WaY OF TALKING/VOICE were that noticeable. Every time someone I knew said greeted me or whenever I was talking to people, I found myself so tense and distracted that I’d wonder what I would have said before the bad trip than now. I spent at least 2 or 3 hours a day wondering how I would react to typical things before the bad trip. Every conversation I had with other people felt fake as I had no clue how I should react to what was said. I went from being a really good, smooth, witty conversationalist to giving cliché one word answers to everything due to an anxiety-caused inability to think clearly.
By having this constant anxiety I’ve been reduced to feeling and coming across as uncomfortable all the time. In addition to socializing I wasn’t able to enjoy music, movies, books a as much due to not being focused on the plot or being able to listen to the tunes/beats in a relaxed happy manner. Basically this anxiety in feeling like I’m a different person AND from having anxiety when I had purged it from my mind has drastically reduced my appreciation for everything in life I loved before.
In my paranoid, anxiety-ridden state of mind I decided I needed to have a good trip to cancel the effects of the bad. I took a tab of 25i 2 times during the rest of school. The first time was a month later, the second was 2 weeks after that time, and the last time was another month later. It didn’t work. It was obviously a bad idea to take a psychedelic, WHILE you’re feeling anxious and scared in order to STOP feeling anxious and scared. The first two trips were really confusing, I started wondering why I wasn’t feeling good as soon as the effects hit me which made me frustrated. After those trips I just felt even more depersonalized and distant from myself before the initial bad trip.
Summer
Now that I’m home from school and have more free time and less pressures I’ve been able to relax a little more. I’ve realized in order to beat depersonalization I need to stop trying to be like a previous version of myself and learn to appreciate things I encounter on a daily basis again. Perhaps after becoming more relaxed, mentally stable and happy it would be beneficial to trip again. I’ve been forcing myself to try and stay productive by reading about the things I’m going to be studying next semester and working as a lifeguard at the local park district. My ability to focus and absorb information is nowhere near the level it was before the trip, but some good days I have noticeably less anxiety and I find it enjoyable. When I’m at work I’m able to get through the day pretty easily. There are some people whose levels of anxiety are naturally at the same level as my current one so it doesn’t attract too much attention. I know plenty of kids who occasionally stutter or have difficulty holding eye contact. I’m just feeling stressed out and depressed that I’m such a SHADOW OF MY FORMER SELF STILL. I know that’s negative thinking and I need to snap out of it, but it’s been 2 months since my last trip and almost 4 months since my initial bad trip and I still feel like shit. Based on my knowledge from entry level psychology classes I could have depersonalization, PTSD, and I know I have depression and anxiety right now. (I’m aware of the complexities of mental health conditions like those as well as many different angles to conditions like that and their social and personal consequences; and I don’t mean to be a name dropper and throw them out just to get attention or whatever, but I feel terrible and all those describe my current state of mind. My mom had me go to a therapist and I got prescribed an antidepressant SSRI Citrolapram or something, I’m gonna give those a try starting next week.
Any ideas/suggestions? Obviously doing psychedelics for the next several months is out of the question. Could MDMA be therapeutic by any chance? I know there’s studies pointing to its use with easing anxiety/depression or PTSD. I’ve accepted this new me and been able to derive pleasure from some stuff which is an improvement. There have been days/periods of time where I feel much less stressed/anxious and I can enjoy time by myself reading/listening to music as well as the company of others. However the amount of time I’m feeling stressed/anxious still exceeds those “chill phases.” Its not other people or things that stress me out. I’m equally anxious/nervous when I’m at home by myself as I am when I’m talking to my coworkers. It's this fucked up internal anxiety that's a part of me, partly from the destruction of much of my sense of self. I’m wondering if these new thought processes resulting from the trip changed my brain chemistry. I’ve seen other threads like these and they suggest eating healthy, exercising, getting yourself to a happy place and perhaps retrying psychedelics then, self-acceptance and all that. Nevertheless, it would still be much appreciated to have people personally answer this post with some advice.
Much love and enjoy psychedelics with the respect, attention and carefulness they and you deserve.
Ideally i'd like for you to read the whole thing but i understand if it's too long. If you'd rather not read the whole thing or don't care for details, you can choose to ignore the text THAT is NOT BOLD. i'd prefer you at least read all the bold text but if you want to read EVEN LESS then go about halfway down the threat and start with "During the months of college from September i tripped..." and read the bold text from there and after
Background
I was 19 years old and back home between the summers of my freshman and sophomore years of college. For the most part I was a typical sort college kid – a socially pressured, under-motivated engineering student with average(mostly Cs and a few Bs) grades. My identity and sense of self were a little underdeveloped for my age and mundane, controllable things like poor day-to-day social interactions had a slight, but over time significant, effect on my emotions and personality. Basically by feeling judged by others (and my immature response of judging back and getting absorbed in petty group dynamics), my psyche/state of consciousness or whatever had become kinda worn, sad, negative and bitter (although I didn’t know it at the time, I was just coasting through life smoking weed and drinking with similar people, feeling satisfied at my mediocre grades and acting like I was doing a huge service to my parents by getting them).
Although I didn’t feel like it at the time and justified it because a lot of others were like it, my behaviors were pretty juvenile, I’ll mention them to emphasize how much of a tool I was in another way. I would blare mainstream, “turnup”/party music at obnoxiously loud volumes in my dorm, partly because I wanted to partly to get noticed. I (as well as everyone else I hung out with) would post pictures of ourselves hammered on facebook/Instagram with stupid captions like “we go hard.” In the event that I got laid with some skank I hung out with (sorry if that sounds misogynistic, it’s directed at the relevant individuals only), my fragile ego would get a temporary boost and I would brag about it for days. In retrospect, I’d invested a good chunk of my self-worth in terms of how others saw me making me try too hard.
That summer when I was back home I decided to try psilocybin mushrooms. I’d never had any experience with psychedelics except some “rolls” which were probably only partially MDMA, partially caffeine/speed/talcum powder – it felt great but wasn’t too impressionable. My friend who obtained them offered to sit for me during my first trip. My memory of what happened during the trip is shaky, I remember going to a park and being with him in the car while he drove and marveling at the visual morphing I was seeing. At a certain part I was feeling really distressed and like I was about to cry but once it was all over I felt pretty calm.
Throughout those next few days I started feeling different. My mind felt very clear, calm and focused on the present in such a way that it felt like a preexisting stress had been removed. looked at the world around me (while driving, interacting with people, walking through a park, watching a movie) in a different, much more interested way. I started analyzing my previous methods of thinking and realizing how petty and immature it was. I felt like a new and better person that was more mature and stable minded. I felt completely in control of my emotions and started thinking deeply about how I should react to different people, situations and things in life. I HAD DETACHED MYSELF FROM MY EGO AND WAS ABLE TO LOOK AT THINGS FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF AN OUTSIDER LOOKING IN ON IT OBJECTIVELY. In doing so, I was able to develop a positive attitude to everything. 2 months later by the end of summer my personality had changed so much I started to see myself as a different person. I felt completely comfortable in my own skin and enjoyed the time I spent alone. I explored different music and added 1000s of songs of different genres to my library, enjoying them in a way I’d never enjoyed music. I reread books I’d read as part of high school like “Brave New World”,“Crime and Punishment”, and All the King’s Men as well as Shakespeare plays and noticed intricacies about the plot that I hadn’t noticed before and became thoroughly engrossed in them, seeing new angles I never realized were there I became better at reading other people and situations by removing previously held petty personal and social biases. My outward view went from JUDGEMENTAL TO OBSERVATIONAL. I started thinking about things in our society in that way and almost completely reoriented what I valued:
Before: superficial friendships, social status, nice cars, looking rich/classy/cool, feeling superior to other people based on these things, e.t.c
After: music, art, learning things about the world ranging from human history/geologic history to biology and math (just about any academic subject had aspects that seemed interesting to me), good vibes, bonding with people over shared interests, love, existing
In college from September to March I spent the best time of my post-infant life. I lived to the fullest while excelling academically and other ways. I looked at my schoolwork (which was pretty heavy-calculus based physics, mechanical engineering and a highly compacted computer programming course) as a challenge and spent the necessary hours studying. This time however, the studying didn’t feel like grueling, boring work to be hated; it was sometimes tedious and frustrating, but also interesting and overall very fulfilling. I got a 3.7 GPA at the end of my first semester, higher than I’d ever gotten in high school or college while taking the hardest classes of my life. It was such a paradox – by not caring about the grade on paper and learning the material due to interest and intrinsic motivation, I got significantly better grades. I started hanging out with a smaller group of similar people. Of course I still drank heavily from time to time and had phases where I smoked a lot of weed, but it wasn’t at the expense of anything. It was obvious that when substances are done by mature, emotionally secure people who simply do so 100% for the sake of fun (rather than my previous group of friends who did it for fun + this neurotic need for peer approval/respect which manifested itself in the douchey mannerisms and conversations that went with any bout of drinking with them), it can be done responsibly.
Throughout this time, I realized that I had completely banished anxiety, shame, anger and bitterness from my mind. I was living without any social pressure and it felt great. I felt humbled yet strong and secure. By ceasing to try and come off as cool to others I became much cooler, having a very high and healthy self esteem without any outward arrogance or self-importance. On top of the world would be a better way to describe how I felt. By completely removing my desire to judge people and instead seeing everyone as an individual in their own right with unique positive qualities, I could connect with people much better. This allowed me to manage my relationship with people the way I wanted to. For example, at the university pool I worked at, many of my coworkers were the type of “tools” I used to hang out with but I suppressed my personal feelings in order to work with them smoothly(that is something many other people can do, but nonetheless it was something I lacked the social maturity to do smoothly only months before). And it all felt natural. Every life activity felt natural and easy. I had an unconditional love, curiosity and interest in myself, other people, and the world. I was just radiating positive energy. By letting myself go and simply living day to day I could be confident and charismatic, without even caring to be or wanting to be that way. (if I sound like a pompous asshole grossly overestimating myself I’m sorry but it’s an accurate description, read the next paragraph)
This showed itself to my peers - I made new acquaintances with many driven, smart, mostly older people; my professors – I’d stay after a lecture to schedule a meeting with him during office hours and have conversations about the subject matter that felt fulfilling, something I never did before; and my parents – when I visited them on thanksgiving/winter break, I did what I needed to do to better my relationship with them and make them trust me by having the necessary heart to heart conversations I neglected having for the past years. I had repaired my relationships to those who matter + forged more with people I liked, had no problems with anyone and removed as much negativity in my life as I could. I felt limitless. I was interested in, already had a good working knowledge of, and highly competent in the ability to pursue subjects like biology, physics, chemistry, history, sociology, politics, cultures; most importantly, I was completely content with my way of life and free of desires. (Things like getting a job after college seemed easy and not daunting at all. I was not materialistic in the slightest and knew I didn’t need a lot of money or possessions beyond the necessities like a place to live, stable food/water/utilities, and preferably items like a computer, a single tv, basic furniture, and maybe some extra income to travel)
I know my descriptions of myself in the aftermath of the shrooms trip may sound exaggerated, pretentious or arrogant. Same goes for my belief that I attained higher cognitive patterns and expanded my consciousness. But I’m certain it’s true. It’s NOT SOMETHING THAT’S SPECIFIC TO ME – THERES OTHERS I KNOW PERSONALLY + many others WHOM PSYCHEDELICS AFFECTED AS SUCH AS WELL AS PEOPLE WHO ARE NATURLLY LIKE THAT. I know many people have done psychedelics and have not been affected by them in a way that changes their personality likes this, but there are also many who have. I knew 6 or 7 kids personally who have expanded their consciousness as such. Perhaps it’s because the pursuit of knowledge/higher education was encouraged in my family from a young age as well as those of all the kids whom it affected as such that psychedelics instilled a such a curiosity about the world in them. I don’t know. I know that becoming that detached from your ego and having the indestructible happiness that goes with it made me realize that everything in life is a game with a million different aspects to every situation.
During those months of college from September – March I tripped on what was sold to me as acid but probably research chemicals, most likely 25i due to its bitter taste on three occasions. Over winter break I smoked DMT about 5 times. Every single one of those psychedelic experiences were amazing. In the aftermath of each I felt super calm and like I had enhanced my connection to the world around me. Even before my first shrooms trip, I’d heard reports about how psychedelics expand your consciousness and put you onto new levels of cognitive thinking. I don’t completely understand the idea of expanding your consciousness in a way that I can articulate. In the case of “new levels of cognitive thinking” however, I know my thinking was, and to a lesser extent still is, escalated to a much higher level than before.
Bad Trip
Around the beginning of March it happened. My friend and I decided to take 25i. The trip started out good but in the middle I started thinking about something - I don’t remember exactly what it was but it’s not too important – but I started feeling anxious. (in my previous trips me and my friends I tripped with had such a good handle on psychedelics and were very stable minded enough to handle weird/spooky stuff. As a matter of fact we’d sometimes try to mess with each other and push the limits of what we were comfortable with while tripping by doing random spontaneous shit to mess with each other. Ocassionally we’d make each other feel a little spooked but then whoever was doing it would stop and things would be chill again.) This time I was just thinking about me feeling anxious and how I had purged it out of my mind since the first shrooms trip. For some reason, by focusing on the anxiousness it started to feel even more intense until it was almost unbearable. And it wouldn’t go away. For the next 5 hours I was in crouched on the floor in almost fetal position with the strongest anxiety I’ve ever felt. I felt like I wanted to die or fall through the floor and disappear and cease to exist. It felt like I’d never be happy again. I’ve never felt such intense or prolonged distress in my life. By the time it was over, I felt like a different person. My temperament had changed from super chill/cool/collected to being a tweak with no control of him or herself.
After
For the next few days I stayed in my room. I was freaking out inside but had no idea what to do. I didn’t feel like me. I wasn’t me. I couldn’t calm down. When my friends came over to my room, I knew it was to a point where my anxiety was obvious to others. Making eye contact for more than 5 seconds was hard for me and I had anxiety etched all over my facial features. When I finally looked at myself in the mirror 2 days later I realized I had no control over my facial expression that whole time. IT was twisted into a permanently anguished/anxious expression. Eventually I was able to control it put on a forced calm expression but it took effort. I think the experience SHRANK MY CONSCIOUSNESS. When I was in my thermodynamics class, usually I’d have a rock solid focus on the equations and the physics involved and was able to get the labs and classwork done before everyone else while doing a near-perfect job but this time I just couldn’t think about it. I started getting distracted by things in the room (something which hadn’t happened to me once unless I purposefully let it in the past few months) and wondering why I was feeling anxious and if I’d ever feel the same again and I started tweaking and had to leave the class.
Next 3 months of school
The next 3 months were very hard. Over the next first 2 weeks I was able to calm down enough to start going to class, doing my work, and chilling with a few close friends. Whenever I smoked weed I’d start feeling like I did during the trip so I stopped doing that. Because of the recurring anxiety my ability to focus and think clearly were compromised, making the coursework harder than it shoud have. (I worked really hard and ended up with decent grades, a 3.0 GPA; grades, however, are the least of my worries right now). My coworkers noticed wondered what the fuck was going on. The CHANGE IN MY DEMEANOR, MANNERISMS, FACIAL EXPRESSIONS and WaY OF TALKING/VOICE were that noticeable. Every time someone I knew said greeted me or whenever I was talking to people, I found myself so tense and distracted that I’d wonder what I would have said before the bad trip than now. I spent at least 2 or 3 hours a day wondering how I would react to typical things before the bad trip. Every conversation I had with other people felt fake as I had no clue how I should react to what was said. I went from being a really good, smooth, witty conversationalist to giving cliché one word answers to everything due to an anxiety-caused inability to think clearly.
By having this constant anxiety I’ve been reduced to feeling and coming across as uncomfortable all the time. In addition to socializing I wasn’t able to enjoy music, movies, books a as much due to not being focused on the plot or being able to listen to the tunes/beats in a relaxed happy manner. Basically this anxiety in feeling like I’m a different person AND from having anxiety when I had purged it from my mind has drastically reduced my appreciation for everything in life I loved before.
In my paranoid, anxiety-ridden state of mind I decided I needed to have a good trip to cancel the effects of the bad. I took a tab of 25i 2 times during the rest of school. The first time was a month later, the second was 2 weeks after that time, and the last time was another month later. It didn’t work. It was obviously a bad idea to take a psychedelic, WHILE you’re feeling anxious and scared in order to STOP feeling anxious and scared. The first two trips were really confusing, I started wondering why I wasn’t feeling good as soon as the effects hit me which made me frustrated. After those trips I just felt even more depersonalized and distant from myself before the initial bad trip.
Summer
Now that I’m home from school and have more free time and less pressures I’ve been able to relax a little more. I’ve realized in order to beat depersonalization I need to stop trying to be like a previous version of myself and learn to appreciate things I encounter on a daily basis again. Perhaps after becoming more relaxed, mentally stable and happy it would be beneficial to trip again. I’ve been forcing myself to try and stay productive by reading about the things I’m going to be studying next semester and working as a lifeguard at the local park district. My ability to focus and absorb information is nowhere near the level it was before the trip, but some good days I have noticeably less anxiety and I find it enjoyable. When I’m at work I’m able to get through the day pretty easily. There are some people whose levels of anxiety are naturally at the same level as my current one so it doesn’t attract too much attention. I know plenty of kids who occasionally stutter or have difficulty holding eye contact. I’m just feeling stressed out and depressed that I’m such a SHADOW OF MY FORMER SELF STILL. I know that’s negative thinking and I need to snap out of it, but it’s been 2 months since my last trip and almost 4 months since my initial bad trip and I still feel like shit. Based on my knowledge from entry level psychology classes I could have depersonalization, PTSD, and I know I have depression and anxiety right now. (I’m aware of the complexities of mental health conditions like those as well as many different angles to conditions like that and their social and personal consequences; and I don’t mean to be a name dropper and throw them out just to get attention or whatever, but I feel terrible and all those describe my current state of mind. My mom had me go to a therapist and I got prescribed an antidepressant SSRI Citrolapram or something, I’m gonna give those a try starting next week.
Any ideas/suggestions? Obviously doing psychedelics for the next several months is out of the question. Could MDMA be therapeutic by any chance? I know there’s studies pointing to its use with easing anxiety/depression or PTSD. I’ve accepted this new me and been able to derive pleasure from some stuff which is an improvement. There have been days/periods of time where I feel much less stressed/anxious and I can enjoy time by myself reading/listening to music as well as the company of others. However the amount of time I’m feeling stressed/anxious still exceeds those “chill phases.” Its not other people or things that stress me out. I’m equally anxious/nervous when I’m at home by myself as I am when I’m talking to my coworkers. It's this fucked up internal anxiety that's a part of me, partly from the destruction of much of my sense of self. I’m wondering if these new thought processes resulting from the trip changed my brain chemistry. I’ve seen other threads like these and they suggest eating healthy, exercising, getting yourself to a happy place and perhaps retrying psychedelics then, self-acceptance and all that. Nevertheless, it would still be much appreciated to have people personally answer this post with some advice.
Much love and enjoy psychedelics with the respect, attention and carefulness they and you deserve.
