i voted 'yes i have'. i realize that i am suffering from some mental illness, and that psychedelics often exasperate the condition. i use psychedelics as a tool for self-analysis, but have found myself in over my head on a number of occasions, where i arrive at fear or love fork, but am unable to choose the love for whatever reason.
i was just reading Huxley's "Heaven & Hell" today and found it to offer insight into the nature of 'bad trips'. here's an excerpt:
"Visionary experience is not always blissful, It is sometimes terrible. There is hell as well as heaven. Like heaven, the visionary hell has its praeternatural light and its praeternatural significance. But the significance is intrinsically appalling. In the Journal d'une schizophrene, the autobiographical record of a young girl's passage through madness, the world of the schizophrenic is called le pays d'eclairement - 'the country of lit-upness'. It is a name which a mystic might have used to denote his heaven. But for poor Renee, the schizophrenic, the illumination is infernal - an intense electric glare without a shadow, ubiquitous and implacable. Everything that, for healthy visionaries, is a source of bliss, brings to Renee only fear and a nightmarish sense of unreality. The summer sunshine is malignant; the gleam of polished surfaces is suggestive, not of gems, but of machinery and enamelled tin; the intensity of existence which animates every object, when seen at close range and out of its utilitarian context, is felt as a menace. And then there is the horror of infinity. For the healthy visionary, the perception of the infinite in a finite particular is a revelation of divine immanence; for Renee, it was a revelation of what she calls 'the System', the vast cosmic mechanism which exists only to grind out guilt and punishment, solitude and unreality.
Sanity is a matter of degree, and there are plenty of visionaries who see the world as Renee saw it, but contrive, none the less, to live outside the asylum. For them, as for the positive visionary, the universe is transfigured - but for the worse. Everything in it, from the stars in the sky to the dust under their feet, is unspeakably sinister or disgusting; every event is charged with a hateful significance; every object manifests the presence of an Indwelling Horror, infinite, all-powerful, eternal. The negative visionary experience is often accompanied by bodily sensations of a very special and characteristic kind. Individualization is intensified and the negative visionary finds himself associated with a body that seems to grow progessively more dense, more tightly packed, until he finds himself at last reduced to being the agonized consciousness of an inspissated lump of matter, no bigger than a stone that can be held between the hands. It is worth remarking, that many of the punishments described in the various accounts of hell are punishments of pressure and constriction. Dante's sinners are buried in mud, shut up in the trunks of trees, frozen solid in blocks of ice, crushed beneath stones. The Inferno is psychologically true. Many of its pains are experienced by schizophrenics, and by those who have taken mescalin or lysergic acid under unfavourable conditions.
What is the nature of these unfavourable conditions? How and why is heaven turned into hell? In certain cases the negative visionary experience is the result of predominantly physical causes. If the body is diseased, the associated mind may find itself in hell. But what is more important for our present purposes is the fact that negative visionary experience may be induced by purely psychological means. Fear and anger bar the way to the heavenly Other World and plunge the mescalin taker into hell. Virtue is not the sole or sufficient condition of blissful visionary experience. It is faith, or loving confidence, which guarantees that visionary experience shall be blissful. Negative emotions - the fear which is the absence of confidence, the hatred, anger, or malice which exclude love - are the guarantee that visionary experience, if and when it comes, shall be appalling. The nature of the mind is such that the sinner who repents and makes an act of faith in a higher power is more likely to have a blissful visionary experience than is the self-satisfied pillar of society with his righteous indignations, his anxiety about possessions and pretensions, his ingrained habits of blaming, despising, and condemning. Hence the enormous importance attached, in all the great religious traditions, to the state of mind at the moment of death. Heaven entails hell, and 'going to heaven' is no more liberation than is the descent into horror. Heaven is merely a vantage point from which the divine Ground can be more clearly seen than on the level of ordinary individualized existence."