Mark769430
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2015
- Messages
- 1
Hi everyone. I am new to this forum.
i had a bad experience on mushrooms, and although it was probably the worst, most traumatic experience of my life, I actually feel better now for going through it in a strange kind of way. If you do read this it'd be nice to get some feedback from you guys and advice, it'd be much appreciated.
here goes.
I'm 32, and ive been doing mushrooms for less than a year, and infact had about 12 trips, all mushrooms and truffles. My first trip was (apart from a couple of mild ones on liberty caps) in Amsterdam. I expected to have the same trip as liberty caps, but I was obviously wrong. My gf and I had Mexican mushroom. The visuals were intense, it was very sexual and the feeling was amazing, this was the start of my mushroom experience. On my return home I researched my new drug and decided to grow mushrooms at home with success. I started with Mexican, then grew golden teacher and albino +. I also got truffles delivered from Amsterdam through the post.
my trips when I got back were all different, with different intensities. Admittedly I did start to get a bit naive and eat more than I should have. I got to the stage where during a trip I'd go and pick a big cluster of mushrooms, maybe 5 or more and just eat the lot, without weighing them first. My gf and I used to joke that we were now not cadets anymore but now in fact Phyconauts.
my bad trip started out just the same as any other really, instead we decided to do my home grown golden teacher, a strain that we had never done before, although from my knowledge I Knew that golden teacher is a very potent mushroom to take.
I remember weighing out about 7 grams each which we consumed. We waited downstairs for a while before heading up to the bedroom to get into bed in preparation for our trip which is what we would normally do. We lit some candles, and put on our usual trippy, but easy listening music. My gf said " I don't think that these are working!"
i remember we had a discussion about this, I didn't have any doubt that they would work until she mentioned it, but obviously if you grow stuff in your house, it's hard to believe that it will be the same as the stuff that you get in Amsterdam, although all the other homegrown shrooms worked really well.
Abut 20 mins after our conversation I started to feel the effects, the usual giggles and laughing about nothing, followed by my gf. We would always try to synchronise our trips so that we were going through the same stages at the same times, but more times than not we would be slightly out which would be a little frustrating.
once our visuals started, I realised that I could see a substance in my vision, a kind of web that I knew was not really there but was cool, if maybe a little bit restricting. We had our usual chat about what we could see and describe the room to each other and have a laugh. I realised that I was struggling to communicate properly with my gf, ( I've had trips where it's hard to concentrate on talking and communicate properly but this was different) I struggled to put a sentence together, but my girlfriend did not. This was the first negative thing to happen. Second of all we did not share the same visuals, we didn't usually share the same visuals but this time it sort of bothered me a little. I'd say that I knew at this stage that both our trips were different and we're not synced at all. In hindsight I know that an experience that we normally share together had this time mentally for me become two separate experiences, I felt a little alone.
i then went to the toilet. The toilet light was off from what I remember. The toilet was white, but in the darkness it appeared illuminated, like the t-shirts you get at raves. I remember looking round, the sink was the same. Then I looked at my hand, it looked strange. I remember looking at things but not remembering moving my head. Like it was a slideshow. It was like a loss of time in some way. This scared me a little, a feeling that I had lost control a little. I usually like to push the boundaries without fear, but on this occasion it was different.
On exiting the toilet I remember making a choice, either going back to the bedroom to continue my trip, or down the stairs to drink some fruit juice and end this trip. I started going down the stairs, but after a couple of steps, thinking I can't leave my girlfriend trip alone, that would be quite nasty, so I turned and went back into the bedroom to continue my trip.
on my return I got into bed and told my gf what had happened, and that I was thought about ending this trip. She asked if I was ok? I explained a little but then downplayed the feeling as I didn't want to make it a big issue.
The feeling of being alone (although still in the company of my gf) was still there, I tried to communicate with my gf what I was feeling again, something that we said we would always do together is communicate. I did get my point across although it was hard explaining it.
then 5 mins later it happened....
something changed, i felt a bad feeling, my body felt shock. I turned round onto my stomach to face my gf, and said something's not right here, she looked at me concerned, and said are you alright? I said no I'm not ok, something's wrong. In the space of a Few seconds, I crashed. I was feeling a sense of impending doom, which brought on a feeling of panic and fear. At that time I questioned everything, I questioned my gf, I questioned my work, I questioned xmas which was the next month, I questioned life itself and everything I knew, I thought that nothing I knew was real. Although I didn't communicate these thoughts.
My gf reacted to this and asked if I had negative thoughts at that time, I didn't think I did so I replied no, I don't know what's happening. I then started to sweat profusely, and I mean in the space of a minute the bed was soaked and sweat rolled down my forehead and my body was soaked. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest.
My gf got me some fruit juice from the fridge which I didn't even get up to drink, I just tilted my head to the side and drank loads of the juice, getting half of it down my neck and onto the bed. I cuddled her, mentally thinking that she was now the only hope I had left, that she would save me from this. Fearful that she would disappear somwhere I said stay here, don't move from here. Looking for constant reassurance I said I'll be alright won't I?.... This will be over soon and I'll be ok won't I?... Well laugh about this tomorrow won't we? .....If I just stay here and don't move I'll be alright won't I?
She gave me constant reassurance which felt good. I was now in the fetal position by her side, cuddling her.
my gf then opened the window to cool me down, I then went through a period of feeling cold, shivering, shaking, then sweating and feeling hot and sweaty. She said for me to get up and get some fresh air. I thought there is no way I could move, that if I stayed here I would be ok. I reluctantly got up and stood next to the window to get some air. This was a major effort mentally for me. I stood next to the window for a moment..... I can actually honestly say that the thought of jumping out of the window entered my head, that this would end it all and escape what I was going through, and feeling that it was going to get worse, I thought I was going to die. I resisted jumping (thank god) and got back Into bed.
My gf who is very strong mentally and who knew that a change of environment would do me good said we should go to the kitchen for some juice. Once again this was a massive effort. Once at the fridge downstairs I downed more fruit juice as we'd heard that the sugar would help make the trip less intense. I still felt the same. I can say that I have never been so scared in all my life. I wanted to go back to my place of safety which was the bed so I literally ran up the stairs and got back into bed and into the fetal position. I closed my eyes and had a vision. The vision was of some sort of alien, with no arms or legs, it had just a head on top of a body and the body was like a blob of slime. It had three spouts and out of it was spurting this green slime, pumping it out in bursts.
My gf decided to try and talk to me again, asking if I was having negative thoughts, I knew what she was getting at but I didn't think that I was, I was well passed that and negative thoughts were the least of my worries at that time. As I remembered feeling that I wanted to jump out of the window (which was only one floor up and wouldn't have done much damage anyway) I remembered stories of a guy in Amsterdam that I'd heard where he killed his dog in a van whilst on mushrooms as he was trying to release demons from the dog. I feared that I would be made to do the same but with my gf, I didn't feel the urge to, just the fear that the trip would make me do it. I didn't communicate this to her at the time as I didn't want to scare her.
She said right.... We're going to go on a little journey. In hindsight I knew that she just meant to the garden for a change of scenery, but at the time I thought that she was patronising me, and she I fact meant we were going in the car to the hostpital, but trying to deceive me like a child, I said no, if I stay here I'll be ok won't I?.... She said I'm going to go and get some fruit for you then, I didn't want her to go, but I then said yes get some but come straight back quickly. The music was off at this time, and the light was on. My gf had done this to make a subtle change to my environment.
As she left the room I felt alone, completely isolated. My main fear at that time was that my family or neighbours would see me in this state. I had a fear that she wold call the ambulance or the police. After she left the room, there was silence, but I heard every loud step she took down the stairs, It sounded like she was running down them. I felt that she was calm with me, but as she was running down the stairs there must be an urgency, which added to my panic. I then heard a door slam, so I assumed that she ran outside fearing for her life and that I was in fact a danger to her safety..... Then silence...
I imagined her running to the neighbours house and calling the police. I thought that the next footsteps I'd hear up the stairs would be the police and ambulance, followed by my mum and my family, then I'd be screwed!.... Then I heard footsteps and the bedroom door open, it was my gf... I felt relief that she had not left me. I couldn't bring my self to eat more than one strawberry.
It was then that I thought I was going insane, that I'd had too many mushrooms and that they had done something to change/damage my mind permanently. I'm not sure if I lost consciousness or if I was dreaming, but I could see something in my vision, like the corrugated bit from the old cameras, the ones that need a flash and stand on a tripod. The corrugated bit was in my vision, and I associated it with me now having a split personality. Until now I hoped that once the trip started to stop, and If I could just ride this out then I might be ok.
counting down the time left. I was still hopeful of this, but now I thought that I'd be insane once the trip ended.
The rest of the bad trip was like a dream. My eyes closed, but I still communicated with my gf, she was my only lifeline to life, my only hope. She held my hand and I seeked constant reassurance from her. We laugh about it now but she says that I must have asked her if everything was going to be alright about 1000 times that night.
as closed my eyes I imagined that I was insane with irreparable damage to my mind, and I thought about my life after this trip, that it would change, I would be in a lunatic asylum, my kids and everyone I know would know that this was self inflicted using drugs, this itself was a fear, that everyone would know how it happened.
As my gf was talking to me I was unable to open my eyes, holding her hand I imagined that I was not in bed, but now in a lunatic asylum, with my family all there by my side, and doctors out of view, seeing if I would pull through, trying to get me back sane again. I thought that I maybe had to do something, admit something or say something in order to get back to them, but what? I didn't know so I thought hard about something that I'd perhaps done wrong to admit, but I couldn't think of anything major. I didn't know how long had passed, maybe this was 2 weeks, maybe 2 months after my bad trip, but I was still living it in my mind as I was now insane.
i think that maybe this scenario occurred over the space of 4 hours, the last hour was just me talking to my gf every 10 mins or so, saying "just stay with me, just pull me through this last little bit, I'm coming back to you, just stay with me, your doing so well!"
then i asked if I could have some juice, she replied you'll have to get it yourself! (With the intention of me getting up) I asked for a cuddle, she replied "I think it's my turn for you to cuddle me now!" ( also with the intention of me making an effort to get up.) I got up, drank some juice, then cuddled her. I realised that the trip had ended then, and that I could get up, I had not died, I was not insane. I was so thankful and overjoyed that this experience had ended.
we talked about what had happened, it felt like such a traumatic experience to go through for me, I wanted to talk about it. It felt life changing at the time.
The next day I had family commitments to go to, but this experience was on my mind for most of the day.
this experience was about 4 months ago now. I thought at the time that I would never do shrooms again. But then I remembered the good times we've had on them, and wondered I'd it was just bad luck.
we did truffles last month, just a mild portion, but they didn't work, so I took some albino +. I remember laying in bed, and feeling the effects a little. Then I had the exact feeling again, I panicked a little, and said I need some positive reassurance. She said why? Are you going through it again? The feeling passed, so I downplayed it again. I said I thought about drinking juice and ending the trip again, but said everything's alright now.
my gf who was well into her trip now said hang on a minute.... These are the same sequence of events that we went through when you had your last trip....
With this I felt fear again, these were the same events that happened during my bad trip, and so I took action, I wet to the toilet and forced myself to be sick, to stop the trip.
i asked if we could go into the lounge, thinking that a change of scenery would help with this feeling. We did so.
my gf was well into her trip by now and had probably the most intense trip she's ever had. I on the other hand was so cold, I could not help shaking and shivering. We both got under the blanket. Al though my trip more or less ended after I was sick I continued to shiver every now and again for a long time.
the next morning I did some research. Until this point I thought that a flashback was just an image in your head. I now know that a flashback is a feeling, the same feeling of the traumatic experience that you previously went through. I know that on this occasion I had just had a flashback.
i have had a smaller flashback once whilst at work and thinking of my bad trip.
so....
As I don't want to finish with shrooms altogether, do you think that this experience was brought on by negative thoughts?
too many potent shrooms?
bad luck?
Do you think I will be prone to this experience again? Or maybe starting at the bottom again, maybe starting with a milder shroom such as a mild trip on Mexican again?
your advice/feedback will be much appreciated.
many thanks
m
i had a bad experience on mushrooms, and although it was probably the worst, most traumatic experience of my life, I actually feel better now for going through it in a strange kind of way. If you do read this it'd be nice to get some feedback from you guys and advice, it'd be much appreciated.
here goes.
I'm 32, and ive been doing mushrooms for less than a year, and infact had about 12 trips, all mushrooms and truffles. My first trip was (apart from a couple of mild ones on liberty caps) in Amsterdam. I expected to have the same trip as liberty caps, but I was obviously wrong. My gf and I had Mexican mushroom. The visuals were intense, it was very sexual and the feeling was amazing, this was the start of my mushroom experience. On my return home I researched my new drug and decided to grow mushrooms at home with success. I started with Mexican, then grew golden teacher and albino +. I also got truffles delivered from Amsterdam through the post.
my trips when I got back were all different, with different intensities. Admittedly I did start to get a bit naive and eat more than I should have. I got to the stage where during a trip I'd go and pick a big cluster of mushrooms, maybe 5 or more and just eat the lot, without weighing them first. My gf and I used to joke that we were now not cadets anymore but now in fact Phyconauts.
my bad trip started out just the same as any other really, instead we decided to do my home grown golden teacher, a strain that we had never done before, although from my knowledge I Knew that golden teacher is a very potent mushroom to take.
I remember weighing out about 7 grams each which we consumed. We waited downstairs for a while before heading up to the bedroom to get into bed in preparation for our trip which is what we would normally do. We lit some candles, and put on our usual trippy, but easy listening music. My gf said " I don't think that these are working!"
i remember we had a discussion about this, I didn't have any doubt that they would work until she mentioned it, but obviously if you grow stuff in your house, it's hard to believe that it will be the same as the stuff that you get in Amsterdam, although all the other homegrown shrooms worked really well.
Abut 20 mins after our conversation I started to feel the effects, the usual giggles and laughing about nothing, followed by my gf. We would always try to synchronise our trips so that we were going through the same stages at the same times, but more times than not we would be slightly out which would be a little frustrating.
once our visuals started, I realised that I could see a substance in my vision, a kind of web that I knew was not really there but was cool, if maybe a little bit restricting. We had our usual chat about what we could see and describe the room to each other and have a laugh. I realised that I was struggling to communicate properly with my gf, ( I've had trips where it's hard to concentrate on talking and communicate properly but this was different) I struggled to put a sentence together, but my girlfriend did not. This was the first negative thing to happen. Second of all we did not share the same visuals, we didn't usually share the same visuals but this time it sort of bothered me a little. I'd say that I knew at this stage that both our trips were different and we're not synced at all. In hindsight I know that an experience that we normally share together had this time mentally for me become two separate experiences, I felt a little alone.
i then went to the toilet. The toilet light was off from what I remember. The toilet was white, but in the darkness it appeared illuminated, like the t-shirts you get at raves. I remember looking round, the sink was the same. Then I looked at my hand, it looked strange. I remember looking at things but not remembering moving my head. Like it was a slideshow. It was like a loss of time in some way. This scared me a little, a feeling that I had lost control a little. I usually like to push the boundaries without fear, but on this occasion it was different.
On exiting the toilet I remember making a choice, either going back to the bedroom to continue my trip, or down the stairs to drink some fruit juice and end this trip. I started going down the stairs, but after a couple of steps, thinking I can't leave my girlfriend trip alone, that would be quite nasty, so I turned and went back into the bedroom to continue my trip.
on my return I got into bed and told my gf what had happened, and that I was thought about ending this trip. She asked if I was ok? I explained a little but then downplayed the feeling as I didn't want to make it a big issue.
The feeling of being alone (although still in the company of my gf) was still there, I tried to communicate with my gf what I was feeling again, something that we said we would always do together is communicate. I did get my point across although it was hard explaining it.
then 5 mins later it happened....
something changed, i felt a bad feeling, my body felt shock. I turned round onto my stomach to face my gf, and said something's not right here, she looked at me concerned, and said are you alright? I said no I'm not ok, something's wrong. In the space of a Few seconds, I crashed. I was feeling a sense of impending doom, which brought on a feeling of panic and fear. At that time I questioned everything, I questioned my gf, I questioned my work, I questioned xmas which was the next month, I questioned life itself and everything I knew, I thought that nothing I knew was real. Although I didn't communicate these thoughts.
My gf reacted to this and asked if I had negative thoughts at that time, I didn't think I did so I replied no, I don't know what's happening. I then started to sweat profusely, and I mean in the space of a minute the bed was soaked and sweat rolled down my forehead and my body was soaked. I could feel my heart pounding through my chest.
My gf got me some fruit juice from the fridge which I didn't even get up to drink, I just tilted my head to the side and drank loads of the juice, getting half of it down my neck and onto the bed. I cuddled her, mentally thinking that she was now the only hope I had left, that she would save me from this. Fearful that she would disappear somwhere I said stay here, don't move from here. Looking for constant reassurance I said I'll be alright won't I?.... This will be over soon and I'll be ok won't I?... Well laugh about this tomorrow won't we? .....If I just stay here and don't move I'll be alright won't I?
She gave me constant reassurance which felt good. I was now in the fetal position by her side, cuddling her.
my gf then opened the window to cool me down, I then went through a period of feeling cold, shivering, shaking, then sweating and feeling hot and sweaty. She said for me to get up and get some fresh air. I thought there is no way I could move, that if I stayed here I would be ok. I reluctantly got up and stood next to the window to get some air. This was a major effort mentally for me. I stood next to the window for a moment..... I can actually honestly say that the thought of jumping out of the window entered my head, that this would end it all and escape what I was going through, and feeling that it was going to get worse, I thought I was going to die. I resisted jumping (thank god) and got back Into bed.
My gf who is very strong mentally and who knew that a change of environment would do me good said we should go to the kitchen for some juice. Once again this was a massive effort. Once at the fridge downstairs I downed more fruit juice as we'd heard that the sugar would help make the trip less intense. I still felt the same. I can say that I have never been so scared in all my life. I wanted to go back to my place of safety which was the bed so I literally ran up the stairs and got back into bed and into the fetal position. I closed my eyes and had a vision. The vision was of some sort of alien, with no arms or legs, it had just a head on top of a body and the body was like a blob of slime. It had three spouts and out of it was spurting this green slime, pumping it out in bursts.
My gf decided to try and talk to me again, asking if I was having negative thoughts, I knew what she was getting at but I didn't think that I was, I was well passed that and negative thoughts were the least of my worries at that time. As I remembered feeling that I wanted to jump out of the window (which was only one floor up and wouldn't have done much damage anyway) I remembered stories of a guy in Amsterdam that I'd heard where he killed his dog in a van whilst on mushrooms as he was trying to release demons from the dog. I feared that I would be made to do the same but with my gf, I didn't feel the urge to, just the fear that the trip would make me do it. I didn't communicate this to her at the time as I didn't want to scare her.
She said right.... We're going to go on a little journey. In hindsight I knew that she just meant to the garden for a change of scenery, but at the time I thought that she was patronising me, and she I fact meant we were going in the car to the hostpital, but trying to deceive me like a child, I said no, if I stay here I'll be ok won't I?.... She said I'm going to go and get some fruit for you then, I didn't want her to go, but I then said yes get some but come straight back quickly. The music was off at this time, and the light was on. My gf had done this to make a subtle change to my environment.
As she left the room I felt alone, completely isolated. My main fear at that time was that my family or neighbours would see me in this state. I had a fear that she wold call the ambulance or the police. After she left the room, there was silence, but I heard every loud step she took down the stairs, It sounded like she was running down them. I felt that she was calm with me, but as she was running down the stairs there must be an urgency, which added to my panic. I then heard a door slam, so I assumed that she ran outside fearing for her life and that I was in fact a danger to her safety..... Then silence...
I imagined her running to the neighbours house and calling the police. I thought that the next footsteps I'd hear up the stairs would be the police and ambulance, followed by my mum and my family, then I'd be screwed!.... Then I heard footsteps and the bedroom door open, it was my gf... I felt relief that she had not left me. I couldn't bring my self to eat more than one strawberry.
It was then that I thought I was going insane, that I'd had too many mushrooms and that they had done something to change/damage my mind permanently. I'm not sure if I lost consciousness or if I was dreaming, but I could see something in my vision, like the corrugated bit from the old cameras, the ones that need a flash and stand on a tripod. The corrugated bit was in my vision, and I associated it with me now having a split personality. Until now I hoped that once the trip started to stop, and If I could just ride this out then I might be ok.
counting down the time left. I was still hopeful of this, but now I thought that I'd be insane once the trip ended.
The rest of the bad trip was like a dream. My eyes closed, but I still communicated with my gf, she was my only lifeline to life, my only hope. She held my hand and I seeked constant reassurance from her. We laugh about it now but she says that I must have asked her if everything was going to be alright about 1000 times that night.
as closed my eyes I imagined that I was insane with irreparable damage to my mind, and I thought about my life after this trip, that it would change, I would be in a lunatic asylum, my kids and everyone I know would know that this was self inflicted using drugs, this itself was a fear, that everyone would know how it happened.
As my gf was talking to me I was unable to open my eyes, holding her hand I imagined that I was not in bed, but now in a lunatic asylum, with my family all there by my side, and doctors out of view, seeing if I would pull through, trying to get me back sane again. I thought that I maybe had to do something, admit something or say something in order to get back to them, but what? I didn't know so I thought hard about something that I'd perhaps done wrong to admit, but I couldn't think of anything major. I didn't know how long had passed, maybe this was 2 weeks, maybe 2 months after my bad trip, but I was still living it in my mind as I was now insane.
i think that maybe this scenario occurred over the space of 4 hours, the last hour was just me talking to my gf every 10 mins or so, saying "just stay with me, just pull me through this last little bit, I'm coming back to you, just stay with me, your doing so well!"
then i asked if I could have some juice, she replied you'll have to get it yourself! (With the intention of me getting up) I asked for a cuddle, she replied "I think it's my turn for you to cuddle me now!" ( also with the intention of me making an effort to get up.) I got up, drank some juice, then cuddled her. I realised that the trip had ended then, and that I could get up, I had not died, I was not insane. I was so thankful and overjoyed that this experience had ended.
we talked about what had happened, it felt like such a traumatic experience to go through for me, I wanted to talk about it. It felt life changing at the time.
The next day I had family commitments to go to, but this experience was on my mind for most of the day.
this experience was about 4 months ago now. I thought at the time that I would never do shrooms again. But then I remembered the good times we've had on them, and wondered I'd it was just bad luck.
we did truffles last month, just a mild portion, but they didn't work, so I took some albino +. I remember laying in bed, and feeling the effects a little. Then I had the exact feeling again, I panicked a little, and said I need some positive reassurance. She said why? Are you going through it again? The feeling passed, so I downplayed it again. I said I thought about drinking juice and ending the trip again, but said everything's alright now.
my gf who was well into her trip now said hang on a minute.... These are the same sequence of events that we went through when you had your last trip....
With this I felt fear again, these were the same events that happened during my bad trip, and so I took action, I wet to the toilet and forced myself to be sick, to stop the trip.
i asked if we could go into the lounge, thinking that a change of scenery would help with this feeling. We did so.
my gf was well into her trip by now and had probably the most intense trip she's ever had. I on the other hand was so cold, I could not help shaking and shivering. We both got under the blanket. Al though my trip more or less ended after I was sick I continued to shiver every now and again for a long time.
the next morning I did some research. Until this point I thought that a flashback was just an image in your head. I now know that a flashback is a feeling, the same feeling of the traumatic experience that you previously went through. I know that on this occasion I had just had a flashback.
i have had a smaller flashback once whilst at work and thinking of my bad trip.
so....
As I don't want to finish with shrooms altogether, do you think that this experience was brought on by negative thoughts?
too many potent shrooms?
bad luck?
Do you think I will be prone to this experience again? Or maybe starting at the bottom again, maybe starting with a milder shroom such as a mild trip on Mexican again?
your advice/feedback will be much appreciated.
many thanks
m
