Bad in bed. No confidence anymore. Advice greatly appreciated..

[The God]

So I'm just a guy with aspergers, adhd, low confidence and fear of denial/failure (alot).

Also, I'm sorry but this will be long and probably difficult to read. Sorry, I really need to get this of my chest!

Me and my ex (I was her first partner) have been together for about 2.5 years before we broke up. We are the same age, btw, both 21 now.
About 2 weeks later she got into a relationship with another guy. She told me before she was attracted to him, she talked about him, said he had a firm body etc. (I think she said this after the breakup but she talked about him before it too).

Now, our sex never really was that great. I mean we had our moments, but most of the time she looked at me as if she was counting down until i came. Let me also tell you she's very passive, as in never engaging sex, never giving a blowjob (she tried once, for 10 seconds, then stopped and said she'd never do it again, fine for me if she doesn't like it.), she doesn't talk, whenever I tell her I want to change positions it gets really awkward and the moment is gone. Now I know women don't really engage sex if they don't enjoy it, and surely not when they are insecure. Anyways...

During sex she never said/says what she likes, never guides me in any way. Sometimes I focus on giving her an orgasm, and when I do things things seem to go wrong. She told me before that when I start to focus on it, she loses her interest and is no longer aroused. I guess I lose some sort of connection with her, the whole act of 'mating' passionate.

When I heard about her new relationship I did some stupid things, like asking questions I didn't really want an answer to.

One of these questions was if he was better in bed. Her answer was yes, she enjoys it more. Later she told me she felt more comfortable and open. Less awkwardness I guess. She olso told me she had allot of sex with him, and he could fill her needs at the right time, which made it great for her. She also told me she had sex with him in his car (close to where I live). Now I asked all this, and yes I know this was a HUGE mistake. But still, it seemed as if she was happy to tell me, it was like she was telling this to one of her best friends. She actually smiled saying these things, as if she was proud of it.

About 1.5 years later she broke up with him. She came back to me, and I stupidly fell for it. I still really love her though, I believe we should've stayed together all this time. And of course we had sex. The first time I really noticed how she was engaging more, and talking to me, but I felt as if I was being compared the whole time. I could see that look on her face, where she just looked disappointed in some way that I couldn't do the same thing to her as the other guy did.

So the first time we were going at it, and suddenly she bites me in my neck. (She told me before also it turned her ex on, allot). I pushed her away and was very angry and upset about this. I mean I don't need to get reminded how they used to have sex. I know this may be something she likes doing or whatever, but I just can't let her.

So we had sex quite a few times after that. She orgasm-ed (or at least seemed to) during sex which she had never done before in our first relationship. Now the thing is, she told me she never had an orgasm with the other guy, which I HIGHLY doubt though. She said she didn't want to. She told me she had faked orgasms before, I don't know if that was with me, or with him, frankly I don't want to know anymore.

The last few times we had sex it was really bad. I felt as if I was raping her. I tried talking about it, but she never really gives answers.

I swear, my confidence has crashed deep below rock bottom. I know I have my limitations, but I don't need to be reminded of them every goddamn time. And no I don't expect myself to b the best she ever had, but I feel as if I'm a total failure in bed, and the more I had sex with her, the worse it got.

I told her about my insecurities, but she doesn't really seem too care.

I could use some advice on this, really. I know, and I don't mean to brag or anything, that I'm now "small" or even "average" in size, so that should give me a head start right? But yeah, size is about 10% of the whole I guess. Women are emotional creatures that need the connection and... idk. I have an athletic body too, I've been into fitness for about 2 years, and personally think I look okay.

Gosh, I'm going to stop whining, I just don't understand anymore. I want my confidence back. I can't even date someone without thinking about this. I get tremors thinking about the moment I get to sleep with someone else. ugh.

 

[llama112]

It was ONE GIRL. Honestly, you can't please every girl. Every girl is VERY VERY different too.

It seems like you're just putting yourself through torture being around/with this girl. She's not right for you. You know that in your mind, I think, but it's hard for you to really act on that. But you need to ensure you're out of this toxic relationship It's not good for you - SHE is not good for you!!!

Get out there, meet other girls, there are tons of girls out there

As for your insecurities, maybe you could see a therapist? I am being serious. My therapist has helped me quite a bit with my anxiety. They can really help with self esteem, etc. .... at least the right one can help (I've seen two .... one was terrible and one is awesome .... so don't rule it out immediately if you get a bad therapist!). Self confidence comes from within yourself. Realize that one female doesn't make or break your self worth.

 

[cdin]

Here's what you need to do, get a bottle of whiskey, and a mid-career rolling stones album. Listen to the album, watch some videos from the 70's of mick jagger dancing around, perhaps do a little coke. then think, REALLY think - if THIS man is a legendary lover, why the FUCK can't i be? also, keep some chems on hand - you might find pt-141 to help break the aspergers weirdness. Some like stimulants, i prefer GHB(which also might help with awkwardness), some use opiates for... longevity. At any rate, stop giving such a fuck and mate with more people, and just repeat to yourself "mick is one ugly sonofabitch", it works wonders.

 

[cdin]

o yeah, never fuck around with girls who haven't had a lot of sex, or won't tell you what's up. that's NOT your fault, get a real partner that wants to explore then DO IT!

 

[stormcharger]

Its the girl not you man, she sounds shit at sex

 

[verso]

Normally, I have to give really long, somewhat convoluted, confusing, complex responses to peoples threads. In this case, I can sum it up for you rather easily: You're doing everything right, and she's doing everything wrong.

You got that? No, I'm serious, and I'm not saying this to make you feel good. It sounds to me like you're putting a lot into it, that you're putting forth the effort, you're asking questions, trying to figure out what she likes, what she's into, what works for her, and she's just non-responsive; she's not telling you what she likes, what turns her on, what drives her wild...

There's only so much you can do, man. There's only so many times you can ask her, so many times you can try to steer the conversation in that direction before getting shot down. It's not your fault, man. But just in case you have any doubt, here, let me respond to your post more convolutedly:

During sex she never said/says what she likes, never guides me in any way. Sometimes I focus on giving her an orgasm, and when I do things things seem to go wrong. She told me before that when I start to focus on it, she loses her interest and is no longer aroused. I guess I lose some sort of connection with her, the whole act of 'mating' passionate.

OK Fair enough, so it sounds like maybe you're trying too hard, but in what way? Has she told you, specifically, when, and at what moment, exactly, this happens? I mean, is it when you're going down on her, tongue-strummin' the ol' clit-ar, and maybe you get a bit over-zealous with it all? Hey, it can happen, even to the best of us...

If that's the case, fine, but it would be the first time that I've ever heard of a woman getting tired of or annoyed by a guy orally pleasing her; most women seem to have the opposite problem, the problem that their men will not go down on them at all -- suppose it's still possible, though, especially if the oral sex is just really, really bad. But I imagine that you would almost have to work at it being so bad.

When I heard about her new relationship I did some stupid things, like asking questions I didn't really want an answer to.

One of these questions was if he was better in bed. Her answer was yes, she enjoys it more. Later she told me she felt more comfortable and open. Less awkwardness I guess. She olso told me she had allot of sex with him, and he could fill her needs at the right time, which made it great for her. She also told me she had sex with him in his car (close to where I live). Now I asked all this, and yes I know this was a HUGE mistake. But still, it seemed as if she was happy to tell me, it was like she was telling this to one of her best friends. She actually smiled saying these things, as if she was proud of it.

Yeah, so I'm sure that you get it now, but, for the future, don't ever do this to yourself. First of all, when you're with a woman, there is no other competition -- there never was, and there never will be. Any man who might have been with her before you is no longer your competition. If he could have kept her around and it's not what she wanted, or if he could have kept her around and it's not what he wanted, he's no longer your competition regardless. You're the man she's with right now and so asking about her past relationships and her level of satisfaction with some has-been boyfriend or lover or whatever the case might have been? Yeah, doesn't matter...

In short, there's nothing of any value to be gained from your learning whether or not she was satisfied with her previous lover -- nothing, at least, that you won't find out (or, unfortunately, not find out) on your own without needing to have an ex-lover demonstrate it for you.

For the love of God, you're your own man, dammit! You'll figure this woman out on your own -- her little quirks and nuances, what really cranks her crank-box!

About 1.5 years later she broke up with him. She came back to me, and I stupidly fell for it. I still really love her though, I believe we should've stayed together all this time. And of course we had sex. The first time I really noticed how she was engaging more, and talking to me, but I felt as if I was being compared the whole time. I could see that look on her face, where she just looked disappointed in some way that I couldn't do the same thing to her as the other guy did.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. It was the first time you guys had sex, and she began "engaging" more, and talking? Who has engaging conversations during sex? If this is what she's doing, then the blame falls squarely on her shoulders. Because hell, I like a good, engaging conversation as much as the next guy, but not during sex! However, your feeling so insecure isn't helping, and you know it.

So the first time we were going at it, and suddenly she bites me in my neck. (She told me before also it turned her ex on, allot). I pushed her away and was very angry and upset about this. I mean I don't need to get reminded how they used to have sex. I know this may be something she likes doing or whatever, but I just can't let her.

So we had sex quite a few times after that. She orgasm-ed (or at least seemed to) during sex which she had never done before in our first relationship. Now the thing is, she told me she never had an orgasm with the other guy, which I HIGHLY doubt though. She said she didn't want to. She told me she had faked orgasms before, I don't know if that was with me, or with him, frankly I don't want to know anymore.

God, I hate women who fake orgasms. I've never been with a woman who faked orgasms, and I've never had a woman fake an orgasm with me. (I know, I know... I'm sure that I've elicited quite the number of eye-rolls just now.) But in all seriousness it's true. I'd much rather my partner tell me, "not this time" than "oh yeah I came too" when really they didn't cum. I've told all of my partners this, that I would much rather they be honest with me and tell me that they didn't cum, as opposed to putting on some grand, theatrical performance. And they've always seemed to understand and oblige me, telling me when I've come close to making them cum, but, no cigar, and it does happen.

The last few times we had sex it was really bad. I felt as if I was raping her. I tried talking about it, but she never really gives answers.

I swear, my confidence has crashed deep below rock bottom. I know I have my limitations, but I don't need to be reminded of them every goddamn time. And no I don't expect myself to b the best she ever had, but I feel as if I'm a total failure in bed, and the more I had sex with her, the worse it got.

I told her about my insecurities, but she doesn't really seem too care.

This sucks, man! It sounds to me like you're really trying to satisfy this girl, going to great lengths to make her happy, and it's just not happening; what's more -- she won't even tell you what you can do to give her those screaming O's!

But I sincerely doubt that you're getting worse, so go ahead and put that notion out of your mind. But it doesn't sound like you're making much progress either. Then again, how could one even expect you to when she's not pointing you in the right direction at all?

I could use some advice on this, really. I know, and I don't mean to brag or anything, that I'm now "small" or even "average" in size, so that should give me a head start right? But yeah, size is about 10% of the whole I guess. Women are emotional creatures that need the connection and... idk. I have an athletic body too, I've been into fitness for about 2 years, and personally think I look okay.

It seems to me that what little confidence you do have is in the wrong places. Of course it's not the size of your equipment. Aesthetically, yes, women like the size of a 'full' penis. But, practically, the size of your penis means very little. It's how you use it, man. It's how you throw that thing around, knock it around inside her, knowing all the spots and hitting them. And it's an emotional connection too as well, of course. That connections certainly helps. There have been times when I'm just not into it and I know that I'm not performing well, but i still have the girl shaking, cumming, and then crying and going on about how much she loves me and how much I mean to her. (It's that emotional connection.)

Gosh, I'm going to stop whining, I just don't understand anymore. I want my confidence back. I can't even date someone without thinking about this. I get tremors thinking about the moment I get to sleep with someone else. ugh.

And you probably should, man! Sleep with someone else, that is. This girl you've described just doesn't sound like she's a very good "fit" for you. I think that, once you find a woman who is more "receptive," shall we say, you'll feel so much better.

 

[Queen ANN]

i suggest you try an older, more experienced woman for a while. sometimes its just an experience thing , or lack of experience thing

 

[purplefirefly]

It was ONE GIRL. Honestly, you can't please every girl. Every girl is VERY VERY different too.

It seems like you're just putting yourself through torture being around/with this girl. She's not right for you. You know that in your mind, I think, but it's hard for you to really act on that. But you need to ensure you're out of this toxic relationship It's not good for you - SHE is not good for you!!!

Get out there, meet other girls, there are tons of girls out there

As for your insecurities, maybe you could see a therapist? I am being serious. My therapist has helped me quite a bit with my anxiety. They can really help with self esteem, etc. .... at least the right one can help (I've seen two .... one was terrible and one is awesome .... so don't rule it out immediately if you get a bad therapist!). Self confidence comes from within yourself. Realize that one female doesn't make or break your self worth.

This, this, and this again.

Women are all completely different and we all like different things (I really feel bad for men sometimes...you have your work cut out for you). If your woman won't communicate with you then she is doing herself and you a complete disservice. Men aren't mind readers. Don't get down on yourself and think that you are a horrible lover. Lack of open communication seems to be the bigger problem as opposed to a frustrating sex life.

You are taking responsibility and putting yourself down for things that are beyond your control. You can't make her open up. If she wants to be a dead fish for the rest of her life and fake her orgasms then that's her prerogative but it's not your fault or your problem to fix, only she can.

Let her go. She's wrecking havoc on your self esteem. She doesn't seem to care much about your emotional well being if she's not willing to pull her weight in the relationship. It's also disturbing that she was so candid about comparing lovers and openly discussing it with you. That is so bizarre to me. She won't contribute positively towards your relationship but is forward in comparing you to her other lover.

Run away, fast and hard.

 

[pokes]

It sounds like she was just hard to please. Some women genuinely enjoy sex more than others. You can't be afraid to take risks with women- just do what you like. Sometimes all a shy girl needs is to be flipped around and pounded. Most of the time women don't like to take the initiative.

 

[LilbabiC]

So you are 21, you and this girl were together for 2.5 years she leaves and is with someone else for 1.5 years and now back with you. So 4 years ago when this all started you both were 17. No wonder she couldn't communicate her sexual needs. You need to lose the insecurities and both gain some sexual experiences whether together or with other people.

 

[pofacedhoe]

So I'm just a guy with aspergers, adhd, low confidence and fear of denial/failure (alot).

Also, I'm sorry but this will be long and probably difficult to read. Sorry, I really need to get this of my chest!

Me and my ex (I was her first partner) have been together for about 2.5 years before we broke up. We are the same age, btw, both 21 now.
About 2 weeks later she got into a relationship with another guy. She told me before she was attracted to him, she talked about him, said he had a firm body etc. (I think she said this after the breakup but she talked about him before it too).

Now, our sex never really was that great. I mean we had our moments, but most of the time she looked at me as if she was counting down until i came. Let me also tell you she's very passive, as in never engaging sex, never giving a blowjob (she tried once, for 10 seconds, then stopped and said she'd never do it again, fine for me if she doesn't like it.), she doesn't talk, whenever I tell her I want to change positions it gets really awkward and the moment is gone. Now I know women don't really engage sex if they don't enjoy it, and surely not when they are insecure. Anyways...

During sex she never said/says what she likes, never guides me in any way. Sometimes I focus on giving her an orgasm, and when I do things things seem to go wrong. She told me before that when I start to focus on it, she loses her interest and is no longer aroused. I guess I lose some sort of connection with her, the whole act of 'mating' passionate.

sounds like she is rubbish in bed

a passive partner who doesn't communicate is crap- yeah she might be having more fun with this new guy but he will get bored if she is as lazy with him as she was with you

you can do better.

cease contact with her (for now at least) because she will feed you hurtful titbits to get at you.

you have not had many partners and as such you should not base your self worth on one person. with experience comes a more accurate self perception.

 

[dopemaster]

My take is that your young and rather inexperienced. No one is a great fuck their first time. Often times it takes many relationships to get things right and I don't just mean sex.

Its really cruel of your ex to say your a shite lay. It doesn't sound like she is much better to be honest.

I lost my virginity rather young and had some older women show me the ropes or some moves. You will get better.

I find women who are weird in bed need the man to take initiative. You should read her body as a guide to what turns a woman on.

You could always find someone else. Maybe someone who doesn't criticize you, is not sexually repressed, and does not take you for granted. I think your relationship is lacking both communication as well as any serious emotions from both parties. If the sex is bad, it won't work. Its just as much her fault as it is yours.

You could check out the karma sutra and some other books on positions to spice up your game. But I think this relationship may be fucked. I cannot really call it as I don't know all the details and would rather not ask the questions I would need to know.

Deep down you should know if this gal is right for you. Maybe shag her harder and if that doesn't work try talking. If that doesn't work well use her for practice till you find someone else.

 

[Tommyboy]

Were you friends with the girl before you started dating? I ended up dating a girl that I was good friends with first, and it made things weird sometimes sexually. She said that she wasn't a very sexual person, and thus would rarely initiate sex, and when we would have sex she would try to keep it as basic as possible. We would have sex missionary style, she would cum in a minute, I would then try to finish as soon as I could since she wouldn't be horny after she came, then she would put her clothes on while hiding her body for the most part. We did have the passion which would get her going while we were making out, and it was the reason for her cumming so fast (if we just went straight to sex she would last longer than 1 minute at least) so try some really passionate kissing and rubbing prior to sex.

Anyway, as others have said this is one girl, so don't judge yourself based on this. What is bad sex for one girl may be great sex for another, and you could be doing nothing different yet get way different results depending on the person. It's if you leave one after the other unsatisfied that you have to take a long look in the mirror and figure out a different game-plan, but for now just either move on, or tell her to open up more before you do move on.

 

[The God]

Thanks for all the replies!

You got that? No, I'm serious, and I'm not saying this to make you feel good. It sounds to me like you're putting a lot into it, that you're putting forth the effort, you're asking questions, trying to figure out what she likes, what she's into, what works for her, and she's just non-responsive; she's not telling you what she likes, what turns her on, what drives her wild...

OK Fair enough, so it sounds like maybe you're trying too hard, but in what way? Has she told you, specifically, when, and at what moment, exactly, this happens? I mean, is it when you're going down on her, tongue-strummin' the ol' clit-ar, and maybe you get a bit over-zealous with it all? Hey, it can happen, even to the best of us...

For all i know she once told me she likes it a bit more rough, but when I try that, she says she’s being overwhelmed by me. I guess it’s a thin line. She also told me she never really was comfortable with me. I guess my aspy awkwardness kicks in here. Yes I know I’m not as experienced or confident, but again, I really try. Most of the time when I try new things, or change it up, I constantly look at her to see how she responds. When I do that I usually get negative reactions, and I end up either ‘giving up’ or trying harder. Either case, shit gets fucked.

Any man who might have been with her before you is no longer your competition. If he could have kept her around and it's not what she wanted, or if he could have kept her around and it's not what he wanted, he's no longer your competition regardless. You're the man she's with right now and so asking about her past relationships and her level of satisfaction with some has-been boyfriend or lover or whatever the case might have been? Yeah, doesn't matter...

This does matter really. If no other man is competition, why did she go back on a date with her ex as soon as we were together.. Why did she “leave” me for another guy? She left me when I was in clinic for 6 months, mind you. She’s using me as a rebound just as she did with her ex. And it WILL happen again.

In short, there's nothing of any value to be gained from your learning whether or not she was satisfied with her previous lover -- nothing, at least, that you won't find out (or, unfortunately, not find out) on your own without needing to have an ex-lover demonstrate it for you.

For the love of God, you're your own man, dammit! You'll figure this woman out on your own -- her little quirks and nuances, what really cranks her crank-box!

I’m frustrated. I was together with her for 2.5 years (!) be fore we broke up. Now she had another lover, and from what I understand she had the best sex of her life with him and could totally open up.

This was and IS something she couldn’t do with me, despite the fact I really tried. I hate myself and her for this, and I know I shouldn’t.

Then again, how could one even expect you to when she's not pointing you in the right direction at all?

Well she told me before she likes it more rough, she even likes pain I think. But I don’t want to hurt her. I guess I’m still of the idea that women are fragile, but I know this isn’t true. I just don’t want to even risk hurting the girl I love. I’m also uncomfortable with the idea of really doing it really “rough”, its unrespectful in my eyes. Maybe I don’t understand what she means by this.

And you probably should, man! Sleep with someone else, that is. This girl you've described just doesn't sound like she's a very good "fit" for you. I think that, once you find a woman who is more "receptive," shall we say, you'll feel so much better.

I think we are indeed incompatible. But I as much as I want this to work, I think it’ll never do.

Oh and finding another woman might sound easy for you, but it’s been over 4 years since any woman at all has given me signs of intrest. Depressing thought, I know. I should really get out of this downward spiral, but I’m so deep already, I don’t know how.

It's also disturbing that she was so candid about comparing lovers and openly discussing it with you.

This is probably my fault for even asking, but yeah the way she told me those things... I will never forget.

Don't know if it has anything to do with this, but I've always suspected she has borderline personality disorder.

She cuts herself by the way, or at least tells me she does. (She tells me this usually when I'm convinced about leaving her, and told her). She also told me and a few others before we got together. And by others I mean mostly guys (not more than 5, I think...) who she was interested in.

Run away, fast and hard.

You know, I really try. I keep convincing myself I don't want her or need her. And for now, it's working somewhat.

Thing is, I'm so scared of ending up alone again. I've been lonely most of my life, and this girl dragged me out of my depression when i was 16/17-ish.

I haven't met a girl that was interested in me ever since we broke up 1.5+- years ago.

Were you friends with the girl before you started dating? ...

...so try some really passionate kissing and rubbing prior to sex.

Anyway, as others have said this is one girl, so don't judge yourself based on this. What is bad sex for one girl may be great sex for another, and you could be doing nothing different yet get way different results depending on the person. It's if you leave one after the other unsatisfied that you have to take a long look in the mirror and figure out a different game-plan, but for now just either move on, or tell her to open up more before you do move on.

Wasn't friends with her before dating her. Hell I wasn't even in love with her before we got together. But as time passed, and I spent more time with her, my feelings started to grow.

I already kiss and rub, and try to put in as much effort as possible to get her engine running.

Also I don't think I moved on. I'm really "upset" about this.