For Nikki...the girl I wrote about here and in so much of my writing from 2+ years ago...
***************
I thought about you often
and you never knew
how hard it was for me to finally
let you go.
I loved you
and then I hated you
but even hate melts slowly into indifference
over time.
And then after two years of no contact
on one drunk night
we called you,
my new best friend and I
like we had so many times before,
not because we wanted to talk to you
but more of out curiousity
to see if you were still alive.
But this time,
you answered
and before I knew it,
we were talking like nothing had ever happened
like you had never had your friends rob my parents' house,
like you had never stolen my sister's money
or pawned off my jewellery to get money for blow
and like you had never set me up to be mugged by that crack dealer
of $700 of my honestly-earned money...
I told my sister I was meeting up with an old friend that night
it's not like I could tell anyone it was you
see they hate you
they still see you as dirty crackwhore Nikki
and as for me,
well I didn't know what to see you as
but my stomach was all in knots as I waited for you
with my new best friend
on the street corner that Saturday night.
Your hair was longer
your heels were higher
and your clothes were nicer
but your voice was still the same
although perhaps quieter and a little more strained
as you told me you had finally quit drugs
(good for you, I said)
but that your mother had died
(I'm sorry, I said)
and we hugged as the situation demanded it
but I felt no satisfaction at your accomplisment
nor pain at your loss.
We headed off to the club then
and danced all night just the two of us
and you told me you weren't into men so much anymore
as you ran your fingers through my hair
and kept one arm firmly around my waist
and I was drunk and so I let you
but then I leaned across the bar to make out with the hot bartender
right in front of you.
Over the next few weeks you kept calling
so we invited you out again,
my new best friend and I,
but we danced together and
left you outside our circle of two
and then kissed each other just for fun
right in front of you.
I invited you out last weekend
not so much to see you
but because my new best friend was sick
and I didn't even feel guilty once when I realized
I had made you into my back-up friend
because I don't owe you anything
you're still dirty crackwhore Nikki
who betrayed my friendship over and over
and who cares if you're all clean and sober now
I want you to make it up to me tonight
and every night
and take me out dancing
so I can make out with the hot bartender again.
We had plans to meet at eleven...
I waited outside the club for you...
For forty-five minutes...
But you never showed up.
You called me the next afternoon to tell me
you were so so so sorry
you had fallen asleep and only woken up just now,
but who sleeps for 15 hours straight?
who doesn't wake up when their phone rings repeatedly?
who would do something so petty and spiteful
as to stand me up outside a nightclub
because I was going to make out with the bartender
instead of you?
You made an idiot out of me that night
as you have so many times before
and I wonder how many more times I will let you
because being your "friend"
is like jumping out of an airplane
with you as my parachute
and every time it does not open
and I fall flat on my face
once again broken.
How many lives does our friendship have?
But now it dawns upon me
that maybe you're wondering the same thing...
how much longer will you let yourself be my back-up friend?
how much longer will you have to make up for the past with me?
how many times will you have to say you're sorry
before I actually believe you
and forgive you?
You have to trust me, you said
everything's different now...
I'm different now...
Maybe you are
and maybe you aren't
but I realize that I have definitely changed
because the Kim of two years ago
would trust eternally and forgive infinitely,
would never treat you like her back-up friend
whether or not you deserved it
and no matter how many times
her heart got broken.
But this girl is jaded now
and this girl is not so innocent now
this girl grew up and grew
without you.
So I'm sorry but
I no longer need you
I no longer trust you
and if you want me back in your life once more
you'll have to take me for who I am today
and be my back-up friend a little while longer
before we can be "us" again.
~*~kimmy~*~
***************
I thought about you often
and you never knew
how hard it was for me to finally
let you go.
I loved you
and then I hated you
but even hate melts slowly into indifference
over time.
And then after two years of no contact
on one drunk night
we called you,
my new best friend and I
like we had so many times before,
not because we wanted to talk to you
but more of out curiousity
to see if you were still alive.
But this time,
you answered
and before I knew it,
we were talking like nothing had ever happened
like you had never had your friends rob my parents' house,
like you had never stolen my sister's money
or pawned off my jewellery to get money for blow
and like you had never set me up to be mugged by that crack dealer
of $700 of my honestly-earned money...
I told my sister I was meeting up with an old friend that night
it's not like I could tell anyone it was you
see they hate you
they still see you as dirty crackwhore Nikki
and as for me,
well I didn't know what to see you as
but my stomach was all in knots as I waited for you
with my new best friend
on the street corner that Saturday night.
Your hair was longer
your heels were higher
and your clothes were nicer
but your voice was still the same
although perhaps quieter and a little more strained
as you told me you had finally quit drugs
(good for you, I said)
but that your mother had died
(I'm sorry, I said)
and we hugged as the situation demanded it
but I felt no satisfaction at your accomplisment
nor pain at your loss.
We headed off to the club then
and danced all night just the two of us
and you told me you weren't into men so much anymore
as you ran your fingers through my hair
and kept one arm firmly around my waist
and I was drunk and so I let you
but then I leaned across the bar to make out with the hot bartender
right in front of you.
Over the next few weeks you kept calling
so we invited you out again,
my new best friend and I,
but we danced together and
left you outside our circle of two
and then kissed each other just for fun
right in front of you.
I invited you out last weekend
not so much to see you
but because my new best friend was sick
and I didn't even feel guilty once when I realized
I had made you into my back-up friend
because I don't owe you anything
you're still dirty crackwhore Nikki
who betrayed my friendship over and over
and who cares if you're all clean and sober now
I want you to make it up to me tonight
and every night
and take me out dancing
so I can make out with the hot bartender again.
We had plans to meet at eleven...
I waited outside the club for you...
For forty-five minutes...
But you never showed up.
You called me the next afternoon to tell me
you were so so so sorry
you had fallen asleep and only woken up just now,
but who sleeps for 15 hours straight?
who doesn't wake up when their phone rings repeatedly?
who would do something so petty and spiteful
as to stand me up outside a nightclub
because I was going to make out with the bartender
instead of you?
You made an idiot out of me that night
as you have so many times before
and I wonder how many more times I will let you
because being your "friend"
is like jumping out of an airplane
with you as my parachute
and every time it does not open
and I fall flat on my face
once again broken.
How many lives does our friendship have?
But now it dawns upon me
that maybe you're wondering the same thing...
how much longer will you let yourself be my back-up friend?
how much longer will you have to make up for the past with me?
how many times will you have to say you're sorry
before I actually believe you
and forgive you?
You have to trust me, you said
everything's different now...
I'm different now...
Maybe you are
and maybe you aren't
but I realize that I have definitely changed
because the Kim of two years ago
would trust eternally and forgive infinitely,
would never treat you like her back-up friend
whether or not you deserved it
and no matter how many times
her heart got broken.
But this girl is jaded now
and this girl is not so innocent now
this girl grew up and grew
without you.
So I'm sorry but
I no longer need you
I no longer trust you
and if you want me back in your life once more
you'll have to take me for who I am today
and be my back-up friend a little while longer
before we can be "us" again.
~*~kimmy~*~
