Back to where i started

[gypsiejunkie]

Hey everybody thank you for all the responses... This is the real test now. I knew my friend was getting a script filled this week so I wanted to hold off on making a serious attempt to quit until after. I'm going to be out tomorrow and I have a couple suboxone to get me through the worst of the withdrawals. Before that though I was broke and didn't have anything for a couple days and it was absolute hell!! I'm really ready to quit though, I hate what this has done to me personally and to my family... I'm tired of spending every last dime I have on something that doesn't even do anything for me anyways. I can't believe how dependent I have become on these drugs.

My main issue I have right now is that I don't feel like I have any support... As much as I love my boyfriend apparently he is not open to discussing my addiction. I feel like he knows because of a lot of different things that I've done making it pretty obvious and some of the comments he's made, for example, when I leave he asks if I'm taking his car anywhere shady, am I going to get my fix, etc.. so I don't know why he won't confront me about it

When I was really dope sick a couple days ago he asked me what was going on and I responded, what do you think? Hoping that would open up some dialogue, he said he didn't know and he wouldn't say anything about me obviously being in withdrawal.

I was really hoping to be able to come clean with him about what's been going on because I really don't have anyone else I trust with this situation, but I've tried to lead into a discussion and he is completely unwilling to address the problem. I don't know whether I should just tell him hey I'm on drugs and I need help getting off or what.

Anyway, I have made some really tangible efforts to prepare now and am ready to give this a go... I got paid today and instead of holding on to my money, I spent almost all of it getting my license back so that I wouldn't have anything left to buy drugs with while also being productive! Yay!
I also asked my boyfriend if over the next few months he could just take all of my paycheck and give me money as I need it... he's willing to do that but is pretty uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Anyway the true test will be tomorrow morning because I know I'm going to run out and I need to stay strong and not text anyone or try and get my drugs before I do. I'm really hoping this is it

 

[T. Calderone]

Just a thought- maybe your boyfriend is unwilling to talk about it because he's afraid to hurt your feelings or that you two will quarrel. You need someone to confide this to so you may have to spell it out for him. Just like you said, "I'm addicted and need help!" Be prepared for whatever he has to say though. It's stuff like this that puts your relationship to the test. I think it's a great idea letting him hold your cash so you won't be tempted to buy more. Also, delete those phone numbers!

 

[gypsiejunkie]

Just a thought- maybe your boyfriend is unwilling to talk about it because he's afraid to hurt your feelings or that you two will quarrel. You need someone to confide this to so you may have to spell it out for him. Just like you said, "I'm addicted and need help!" Be prepared for whatever he has to say though. It's stuff like this that puts your relationship to the test. I think it's a great idea letting him hold your cash so you won't be tempted to buy more. Also, delete those phone numbers!

Yes, I am going to spell it out for him but I am worried about it. I just feel like our relationship is past the point of not bringing things up that might "hurt my feelings". I don't know...I would have brought this out into the open a long time ago...I just hope he doesn't flip out and run.
I'm a lot to handle without an addiction. Almost no one knows who I am without the addiction...I've been using something since I was a child...the only people that have seen me sober for any amount of time are the people I went to rehab with.

 

[CBNJ2357]

Haha man seeing your post over a year ago is crazy. I tried warning ya along with many other of our friends. Honestly it baffled me the longest how you could see how I lived both as an addict and as an ex-addict with addicts and still be drawn to it. Even with the potential financial gain you can't deny I was prolly one of the biggest advocates for people to NOT use dope. Then again I knew the repercussions as well.

props to you doing better than you were with me around and even if you're a chipper nowadays it's still a remarkable improvement from waking up with withdrawals. You looked and sounded a lot better and focused when I saw ya last even if we did get high together haha.

Don't kick yourself to hard in the ass for substituting and relapsing on DXM or dope. Knowing me personally you saw me basically go through a whole cycle substituting from pcp, to benzos, to coke/crack, and even alcohol. Just try to learn from your lessons. Although the one sentence don't make it sound like I really have, a large part of why I cycled through all of that substituting was cus I learned to recognize when I was pushing it too far, backed off, switched it up, and repeated the cycle.

besides, not saying months isn't an accomplishment cus it damn sure is, imagine how I felt relapsing after 3.5 years offa dope? Then sprinkle in the factor I managed to resist it with it being readily available literally within arms reach the entire time. Just typing this makes me go wtf was I thinking. Alas, heroin is my downfall - it's the one drug I can't seem to do in moderation especially once the physical w/ds aspect sets in.

whats more fucked is how many times in sobriety from dope did I say it's all or nothing one time will lead back to it? Yet eventually circumstance combined with the addicts mental gymnastics gave way to a shitty excuse and within no time back to the races.

 

[Stickman Roxy]

I like this thread. There has been a lot of wise words written here. A bit of fighting, music and a twist at the end.
I know this is a year old thread but your song, gypsie, is fucking beautiful. Waking up sick again crawling out of my skin... Im there at the moment.
How are you doing a year later, gypsie?

 

[VastEmpty]

I like this thread. There has been a lot of wise words written here. A bit of fighting, music and a twist at the end.
I know this is a year old thread but your song, gypsie, is fucking beautiful. Waking up sick again crawling out of my skin... Im there at the moment.
How are you doing a year later, gypsie?

totally agree on all counts. The song was hauntingly beautiful. I hope you are doing well, gypsy. Stickman - thanks for bumping the thread!

 

[Sobrietysucks]

Drug addiction was never even discussed at length or seen in a negative perspective until very recently. It is not by coincidence that we witnessed in history the Industrial Revolution (which gave rise to the popularity of productivism and further strengthened and emboldened the ideology of capitalism) alongside the demonization of drug use.

People that make money or have high productivity are valuable and necessary in any productivist, capitalist society. Drug addicts, in general, don't make money (other than to fuel their addictions) and aren't very productive (outside procuring their drugs), and what is unproductive or doesn't make money either doesn't matter or is a dangerous scourge to be done away with.

Moreover, how viable would capitalism be if nobody could crawl themselves out the dope house to toil in some factory or waste away in a cubicle?

Nobody seems to bother asking why there are so many institutions and resources devoted to curing drug addiction while nothing exists for curing addictions to money. Why is there no workaholics anonymous?

And this money addiction never ends; one never reaches a comfortable level of wealth. Even billionaires can't stop wet-dreaming about more money.

Yep. Addiction to money benefits society as a whole therefore it is not regarded as an issue.

 

[Sobrietysucks]

I like this thread. There has been a lot of wise words written here. A bit of fighting, music and a twist at the end.
I know this is a year old thread but your song, gypsie, is fucking beautiful. Waking up sick again crawling out of my skin... Im there at the moment.
How are you doing a year later, gypsie?

Agreed. Hope OP comes back with an update but I highly doubt it seeing as her last post was a year ago.

 

[Nixiam]

Opopop

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