Back To Square One...What a Mess

[van_go_88]

Wow, do I feel like an idiot. I joined BL the other day. I was so happy to have had such kind words from everyone! I left my ex a few months ago - there was no chance of me achieving sobriety if I'd stayed. And now I just feel weak because I slipped. My ex called me today, asking if I wanted to hang out at his place....to which I stupidly said "yes" to. Just hearing his voice made me want to see him? I go over there, and yes, we just hung out. Then my sobriety vanished like it never existed in the first place. Not only that, but it's so obvious he has a new girlfriend - already - and she's living there. Her stuff was all over the place. I didn't say anything about it, but that didn't stop him from trying convince me he isn't remotely interested in this girl. I don't know why this bothered me so much. It's not like I want to get back together with him. But I feel like he intentionally got me to go over so he could show off the fact that a girl is living with him? And he knows I have been wanting to stay clean for good. It was my decision to go over, yes, but there's other people he could have called. With that - along with me having to start sobriety all over again - I feel helpless, weak, worthless, and pretty damn lonely. Before I got into that lifestyle I was confident, outgoing, positive, and self-respect. Now, because of my choices, I know it's going to be a long time before I can feel comfortable in my own skin again. Anyway, I just feel embarrassed for talking yesterday about how I felt like I was doing so much better (first day on the forum) and then I go ahead and slip up the next day. My willpower sure is dependent on whatever situation I put myself in. I feel so useless.

 

[T. Calderone]

I would be upset too because he should know you're trying to stay clean. What was his motive inviting you over anyway? Did you end up using? Slip ups will happen so don't beat yourself up if you did. The guy sounds like a jerk, telling you the girl does not live there. Well maybe she just spends a lot of time at his place. But still, it's not good for your recovery hanging out with him. Keep him in the past, remind yourself all the reasons you broke up. Be strong!

 

[van_go_88]

I would be upset too because he should know you're trying to stay clean. What was his motive inviting you over anyway? Did you end up using? Slip ups will happen so don't beat yourself up if you did. The guy sounds like a jerk, telling you the girl does not live there. Well maybe she just spends a lot of time at his place. But still, it's not good for your recovery hanging out with him. Keep him in the past, remind yourself all the reasons you broke up. Be strong!

Unfortunately, I did end up using. And I was so angry at myself after I left his house. I felt weak, ashamed, and pretty worthless. Well, the place had a few household stuff that definitely wasn't his. He told me they aren't involved in any way, yet I couldn't be there at the same time she is because she "gets jealous." So, I had to leave once she was on her way back. I just don't understand. What's the point of lying about it? We broke up/I moved out a few months ago. We both just avoided each other after that. This shouldn't even bother me. He was pretty pissed off the majority of my visit there, anyway. I just hope that one day - when I have my life back on track, am healthy, and back in school - I'll be able to look back at this and know I learned from my mistakes. Thanks for your kind words, T. Calderone!

 

[Allein]

Your never 'Back to square one' this experience has changed you ....your not the same as when you began

Don't let slip ups become a reason to use, accept that it happened and move on. Sobriety isnt a cut and dried issue jump back on the train and put this down to experince

 

[Runtoparadise]

Dear OP,

Yes, willpower WILL always be dependant on current situations. Do you have a social network that do not use? Family close by? Scrap that one, if my family were in the same town I'd be using 24/7!

Delete this dick from your phone & your mind, he sounds like a major arsehole! Do not go back now girl. He's moved a new one in & not quite sure of his point, 'cept he sounds like a narsicistic prick.

Be strong, hold whatever keeps your faith, & keep us BLs updated.

Best of luck

Rtp

 

[herbavore]

Maybe he feels threatened by you wanting to be sober. I think working on getting him out of your head sounds like something you should make a priority because it sounds like he will think nothing of trying to hook you back in (emotionally to him and also to using). Don't beat yourself up about it--just concentrate oon getting the lesson you need from it.

 

[Hemptress]

Your ex, who I assume still uses, invited you over because you're pretty much a badass, and that becomes clearer to him everyday he knows you fought your way out of the black hole of addiction he continues to sell out to.

Also, misery LOVES company. He probably still loves you too of course, but that's no excuse to get you trapped again. Don't let him show the same regard for your well being that he's currently showing for himself. Maybe if he sees you stay clean he might even get clean himself-crazier things have happened! Lol

Don't go around anyone who uses for a long time. Eventually, you will be strong enough to say no every single time you wanna take or give an excuse to do any. Just give it time..you'll see!

 

[pill_billy]

misery LOVES company.

Your never 'Back to square one' this experience has changed you ....your not the same as when you began

My willpower sure is dependent on whatever situation I put myself in. I feel so useless.

im the same way and you just have to recognize the situation and leave if its gona make you wana get high...

its VERY VERY common for a person in recovery to have a slip up... it def doesnt mean your back at square one... you lived and you learned and feeling ashamed is also very common... i know i felt that way the first time i got high after i had a few weeks clean and yea it sucks but as long as you dont go back into full blown using you are making progress... just hang in there

AND thats pretty crazy cause it was prob the same day i texted my ex to tell her about some legal shit involving the both of us and i knew from mutual friends she was still getting high and as far as i knew she didnt know tht i quit cause those same ppl said they didnt want her to know they still talked to me (just break up drama) neways it was just like hey this happened, these ppl should be getting ahold of ya pretty soon and hope your doin ight... then i told her i hadnt gotten high in over 5 weeks and her next text was well if you want to i can get some awasome bags and i fell out the other day on em and yada yada and trust me for a second i was like FUCK YES lets chill, get high and fuck but then i realized that was prob the worst thing i could do and told her i was good and i hope she gets her shit together... anyways believe me im that guy who literally never thought i could do that and as cliche as it sounds if i can change you can change... and the feeling of knowing i did the right thing and that iam not living that life anymore is very very good... it wasnt a great feeling right after but when i woke up saturday and had my money and wasnt feeling all shitty and guilty from having used thats a way better feeling then gettin high....

just hang in there... itll get easier