phazoKnight
Greenlighter
I haven't been on this site in a while. I may have posted a thread here once or twice before, but by now they're probably long gone. I feel slightly bad that I probably didn't get to reply to some posts (just like how I have a problem with responding to text messages in real life). But I digress.
This might get a little long.
The point of my joining this site, at first, was to learn more about the drugs/substances I've used and to have a better knowledge of the chemistry behind it all. As it turns out, the material itself is actually triggering and, as a result, I stopped with the research altogether and became more fixated on my own personal progression. Subsequently, I stepped away from anything drug-related.
I'm in the process of recovery and, at first, I was more than excited to start my life without the use of alcohol or meth...and (surprisingly) cannabis as well. Seriously, it felt great; it felt as though I had broken free from chains and I was actually starting to feel happy about life, which is a generally new idea to me. Little did I know I was really only in a "pink cloud" and I'd been ignoring the repercussions my addictions may have caused. I really didn't care about them because, really, I was only caring about myself at the time. I was living life while being both physically and mentally present; I thought that was as hard as it would get.
As of tonight, I have 51 days clean and sober (my alcohol sobriety is actually much longer, but for consistency, I keep them the same--I haven't had a drink at all during my clean time). That's great and all. Hell, I should be ecstatic I've made it this far. But, unfortunately, what I feared the most--what I kept locked away during my using--is starting to re-emerge and rear its ugly head back into my personal existence: my own personal emotions. They've returned and they're driving me crazy.
Now, only a very small amount of people have been witnesses to my emotions during the past three years. Around three people. The rest of the world was shut out. They only saw a quiet, reserved guy who kept his emotions and everything to himself because he'd have rather dealt with them himself than have others experience them. Happiness, sadness...I hated displaying them in public because they honestly made me feel vulnerable. The worst one of all: anger. When I discovered these drugs, it became SO easy to mask them, lock them away, or blatantly display them because I would let the drugs completely compromise my judgment.
The substances are gone now and the utter rawness of these essences are starting to leak. Sometimes profusely. I've been going to an outpatient program and my therapist there told me that now that I don't have those crutches, this "hose" of emotions is starting to run on full blast. My part in this should be to let it run on full blast if need be (what he meant was having to use the program as a soundboard--a testing ground for my actions and reactions to gain a better idea of a threshold to build). That's actually helpful, but I'm not in the program 24/7; it's a partial hospitalization program that only runs half-day. The rest of the day is me out in the real world.
And it sucks ass and feels like total bullshit.
I find myself getting agitated over the smallest things. If I'm having complications with someone, my head wraps around it completely and I'm suddenly ruining my day. I get in trouble? I see myself on the verge of flipping out and getting angry at the person lightly admonishing me when I was clearly at fault. Or feeling really hurt about it. My roommate, in a loud voice, once told me from the living room (I was in my bedroom with my door closed) to wash my dishes because she was having guests over. I come out telling her not to yell at me--I was literally angry at her because I felt she was telling me what to do. And it pissed me off. I thought a friend was purposely ditching me completely and I walk away, stifling tears, then punching an electric box in the middle of the sidewalk and denting a trash can with a swift kick. Then just running. Running without any reason. All of this happens almost instinctively and I witness myself, looking back in retrospect at what I've done. Then my self-introspection kicks in and I question why I did it and how I could have avoided that, which does nothing to help my anxiety. I have never been this sensitive before and I'm at a loss. This has never been a problem until now.
The medication I've been prescribed by my psychiatrist has been helping me out miraculously with the cravings, but has been accelerating my anxiety, so I now also take an anxiety med/antihistamine to aid in that. In reality, I'm sober and clean, and those should be good things, right? Those substances were only, ultimately, making me circle the drain. There has to be a bright, glossy side to my getting sober and clean, but at this point, I'm still not feeling it. I've been tainted by these drugs and the last thing I want is to fall back into that abyss. But this whole "feelings" shit is driving me to the edge. And I feel if I leave that hose on full blast, I'll go off on the people I've gotten to know or care about, possible jeopardizing relationships--old or new. This is honestly making it way more easy to isolate and withdraw--it's the only escape I have.
I ultimately want to build new relationships and re-build myself as a new self, and it feels almost impossible with the state I'm in.
Life feels twice as hard as it was before. The worst part is knowing my drugs of choice are no longer options. So I literally have to deal with life on life's terms and, with the way my mind and spirit are reacting, days feel like long, complicated and hesitant strides. I'm trying hard to look at the bright side of things.
TL;DR: My sobriety felt great at first, but now I've become emotionally volatile and sensitive, making many situations difficult to deal with and ultimately making me feel completely powerless over my emotions and making it feel impossible to build new relationships; I just see myself isolating because it's all overwhelming.
I feel this might be common among many recovering addicts. Any advice? What should I expect out of this? Any feedback is welcome. It's honestly been fairly difficult.
This might get a little long.
The point of my joining this site, at first, was to learn more about the drugs/substances I've used and to have a better knowledge of the chemistry behind it all. As it turns out, the material itself is actually triggering and, as a result, I stopped with the research altogether and became more fixated on my own personal progression. Subsequently, I stepped away from anything drug-related.
I'm in the process of recovery and, at first, I was more than excited to start my life without the use of alcohol or meth...and (surprisingly) cannabis as well. Seriously, it felt great; it felt as though I had broken free from chains and I was actually starting to feel happy about life, which is a generally new idea to me. Little did I know I was really only in a "pink cloud" and I'd been ignoring the repercussions my addictions may have caused. I really didn't care about them because, really, I was only caring about myself at the time. I was living life while being both physically and mentally present; I thought that was as hard as it would get.
As of tonight, I have 51 days clean and sober (my alcohol sobriety is actually much longer, but for consistency, I keep them the same--I haven't had a drink at all during my clean time). That's great and all. Hell, I should be ecstatic I've made it this far. But, unfortunately, what I feared the most--what I kept locked away during my using--is starting to re-emerge and rear its ugly head back into my personal existence: my own personal emotions. They've returned and they're driving me crazy.
Now, only a very small amount of people have been witnesses to my emotions during the past three years. Around three people. The rest of the world was shut out. They only saw a quiet, reserved guy who kept his emotions and everything to himself because he'd have rather dealt with them himself than have others experience them. Happiness, sadness...I hated displaying them in public because they honestly made me feel vulnerable. The worst one of all: anger. When I discovered these drugs, it became SO easy to mask them, lock them away, or blatantly display them because I would let the drugs completely compromise my judgment.
The substances are gone now and the utter rawness of these essences are starting to leak. Sometimes profusely. I've been going to an outpatient program and my therapist there told me that now that I don't have those crutches, this "hose" of emotions is starting to run on full blast. My part in this should be to let it run on full blast if need be (what he meant was having to use the program as a soundboard--a testing ground for my actions and reactions to gain a better idea of a threshold to build). That's actually helpful, but I'm not in the program 24/7; it's a partial hospitalization program that only runs half-day. The rest of the day is me out in the real world.
And it sucks ass and feels like total bullshit.
I find myself getting agitated over the smallest things. If I'm having complications with someone, my head wraps around it completely and I'm suddenly ruining my day. I get in trouble? I see myself on the verge of flipping out and getting angry at the person lightly admonishing me when I was clearly at fault. Or feeling really hurt about it. My roommate, in a loud voice, once told me from the living room (I was in my bedroom with my door closed) to wash my dishes because she was having guests over. I come out telling her not to yell at me--I was literally angry at her because I felt she was telling me what to do. And it pissed me off. I thought a friend was purposely ditching me completely and I walk away, stifling tears, then punching an electric box in the middle of the sidewalk and denting a trash can with a swift kick. Then just running. Running without any reason. All of this happens almost instinctively and I witness myself, looking back in retrospect at what I've done. Then my self-introspection kicks in and I question why I did it and how I could have avoided that, which does nothing to help my anxiety. I have never been this sensitive before and I'm at a loss. This has never been a problem until now.
The medication I've been prescribed by my psychiatrist has been helping me out miraculously with the cravings, but has been accelerating my anxiety, so I now also take an anxiety med/antihistamine to aid in that. In reality, I'm sober and clean, and those should be good things, right? Those substances were only, ultimately, making me circle the drain. There has to be a bright, glossy side to my getting sober and clean, but at this point, I'm still not feeling it. I've been tainted by these drugs and the last thing I want is to fall back into that abyss. But this whole "feelings" shit is driving me to the edge. And I feel if I leave that hose on full blast, I'll go off on the people I've gotten to know or care about, possible jeopardizing relationships--old or new. This is honestly making it way more easy to isolate and withdraw--it's the only escape I have.
I ultimately want to build new relationships and re-build myself as a new self, and it feels almost impossible with the state I'm in.
Life feels twice as hard as it was before. The worst part is knowing my drugs of choice are no longer options. So I literally have to deal with life on life's terms and, with the way my mind and spirit are reacting, days feel like long, complicated and hesitant strides. I'm trying hard to look at the bright side of things.
TL;DR: My sobriety felt great at first, but now I've become emotionally volatile and sensitive, making many situations difficult to deal with and ultimately making me feel completely powerless over my emotions and making it feel impossible to build new relationships; I just see myself isolating because it's all overwhelming.
I feel this might be common among many recovering addicts. Any advice? What should I expect out of this? Any feedback is welcome. It's honestly been fairly difficult.
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