whiteroom67
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2014
- Messages
- 337
Alright... first I'd like to say that I would love for this to turn into an in-depth discussion and question/answer forum regarding Ayahuasca... and if anyone else has experiences they would like to share, please do so. Let's get the information out there.
So, my story starts off by saying I know this cute Canadian chick with a YouTube channel who introduced me to the idea of trying Ayahuasca. I contacted her, became friends with her, and she gave me information for going to Ecuador and experiencing it myself.
So, then I did it.
WOW - is all I have to fucking say. I plan on giving the entire experience of the retreat, not just the Ayahuasca experience itself, because I feel that not many people know what an Ayahuasca retreat is really like. It's long, but I tried to make it fun to read and hope you enjoy it. If you want to skip ahead to the Ayahuasca experiences specifically, go down to where it says ***THE AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCES*** There were 4 Ayahuasca ceremonies total, and they will each be numbered.
Now before I begin with my experience down there, I'm going to say that I would really like to give the name of the family and their website for this retreat to promote them since they were so true, honest, authentic and wonderful, but I'm not really sure if that would be considered sourcing or not, or if it would be a good idea in general... technically I feel like it is not sourcing - it's just stating where I went and who I stayed with in Ecuador, where the activities are perfectly legal anyways... and to be honest, I think if one is interested in doing Ayahuasca, participating in a legitimate ceremony with a traditional/professional shaman is the only way to do it. I am strongly against home preps of Ayahuasca for many reasons which I won't really get into, but anyone know knows anything about Ayahuasca can probably take a couple of good guesses why. I say if you want to experience the closest thing to Ayahuasca safely without leaving your home, good quality Changa would be your best bet as a glimpse into the Ayahuasca world (short of smoking pure DMT, which feels MUCH different, IMO). Not to mention, if you do travel to Ecuador/Peru to experience the beautiful divinity of an Ayahuasca ceremony, I feel it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to find and work with a reputable shaman. That is why, IF AND ONLY IF it is allowed on Bluelight, I would be willing to disclose and recommend the specific family and retreat I went on... but ONLY with the OK from Bluelight first, since I don't know if it would be considered sourcing or not - to me it's not sourcing, but who knows. In any case I am disclosing nothing here, so moderators, please let me know if this would be OK. Of course, I would still take no responsibility if something were to happen to anyone, regardless if they went on the same retreat or not. You are responsible for your own choices in life, and that's that.
ANYWAY... on with the story...
I arrived in Quito, Ecuador late at night... thought the people at the hostel I was staying at for the first night forgot to pick me up at the airport, but they were just late. Really late, lol. Brought me back to the hostel where I was greeted by 2 over-friendly and over-sized dogs, before being shown where I was to spend the night - a closet sized room with a leaking toilet and single flickering light bulb for illumination.
Woke up the next morning and walked outside into the beautiful spacious courtyard, and peered across into the garden where the first image I saw was a well-toned muscular white dude with dreadlocks, wearing clothes that looked as if they came out of a final fantasy video game, meditating in the garden across the way. Me being from Jersey and seeing this... wasn't normal. But that was a good thing! I knew I was in for an adventure for the next week. He turned out to be from New Zealand, along with his 2 mates who were inside eating breakfast in the dinig area. It was a pretty nice place - real quaint and cozy, and pretty clean. It was to be the 4 of us for the week. There was supposed to be a 5th, but he never showed. I liked the idea of a small group - I don't like large crowds of people I don't know and I was anxious enough about drinking Ayahuasca in the middle of the fucking jungle.
SO, off we went on the 4 hour bus ride through the Andes and into the Amazon - listening to a combination of 60s/70s classic rock, and Ecuadorian EDM. I'm glad I was with the 3 guys I was with - they were probably 3 of the nicest people I had ever met - I just wasn't used to it being from Jersey.
The place we stayed at was nice, but simple - it was a wooden structure with multiple rooms kinda like a small motel with 2 floors... since there were only 4 of us we each had our own rooms. There was supposed to be a translator, but there wasn't. So, my 3 months experience teaching myself Spanish using Pimsleur in my bedroom coupled with my month studying abroad in Spain completing my language requirements a few years prior qualified me to officially became the unofficial translator - both ways. Our hosts didn't speak a whole lot of English, and my comrades knew barely a lick of Spanish. So, I was it. I got used to it pretty quick though and it was a good experience. The first day we didn't drink Aya, we just got settled, ate some fresh fish from the river and fresh veggies (which the family grows themsleves by the way), and went wading in the Amazon river. No Anacondas
Afterwards we went back and rested, it had been a long time traveling to get to here. But of course, that first night of trying to catch some sleep, the schoolyard right next to the family's property decided to have a rager and was blasting Ecuadorian EDM once again, ALL NIGHT. I mean really, get this: we are at a secluded shamanic farm family's home and retreat, and okay, there is what looks to be a smallgrade school (with a very large field) right next to their property, and here someone (not our family) are having a fucking dance party all night. Welcome to 3rd world traveling people - there are always surprises lol. It didn't catch me too off-guard though, because I had already spent 4 months living in Morocco, so the same sort of random make-no-sense stuff would happen there just the same. Really, I was kinda annoyed that I couldn't sleep, but at the same time, that's the type of stuff that makes this sort of traveling so... worth it. Always something new and different and random going on. Anyway, so much for sleeping that night.
The next day we woke up, ate breakfast, and just hung around most of the day. I really don't remember what we did. I'm pretty sure we didn't do much, just hung out and explored the grounds. I do remember a sauna experience at night before our evening meal... they brewed some type of plant in a pot and we covered oursevles and the pot with a blanket while stirring the pot, releasing steaming hot fumes. It was like we were sweating out all of the toxins in an intense sauna. I don't know what plant it was that was in the pot we were stirring, but it made us pretty euphoric. I started laughing/crying for no reason while sweating my ass off under that blanket. It felt great and afterwards bout 20 minutes later I felt totally cleansed and rejuvinated.
I think it's important to note that these people grow almost ALL of their own fruits and vegetables, and catch their own fish, etc. Even if they didn't do it themselves, the people they bought it from in the markets of the closest city about 10 minutes away (again, not sure I should disclose the city because it may give away the retreat if it's not allowed), had caught it or farmed it themselves. No herbicides, no pesticides, no GMO's (that picture and story about non-GMO bananas being too small to eat and having so many seeds in them you'd break your teeth with is complete bullshit - the bananas ARE smaller, but there are more per bunch to make up for it, and the seeds are no bigger than the ones found in normal bananas - and they were delicious!).
...Even more importantly, these people grow their own MEDICINE (it should also be noted that Ayahuasca is considered a medicine, NOT a drug). There is the bark of a tree that is used as a contraceptive for women, there are roots to chew on to help tootheaches, there is a tree referred to as "Sangre de Drago" (Blood of the Dragon), which has a sap that is deep dark red... it looks like blood, which is antibacterial, and if you have a cut or mosquito bites or something like that, you take the sap and rub it on until it starts to lather, like soap almost. Then it dries, and helps heal the wound faster... a couple hours later you peel it off and your wound is healed about 50% faster. There are tons of others too but I don't even remember them all. They have tobacco... REAL tobacco, which they use to clear out your sinuses. One of the days we took a long trek to a sacred waterfall (NOTE: there was TONS of trekking and physical activity on this trip - not for the weak for sure), and at the waterfall which was beautiful (there was an energy there hard to describe), the shaman's son who guided us dipped the tobacco leaf in a small amount of water. He then had us lean our heads back while sitting, and open your mouths to ready the sinus passages... he then qould squeeze the tobacco infused water down each nostril... it burned like hell! But it worked! Our sinuses felt 100% more open after doing that, even without them being clogged in the first place. And you get a nice little tobacco buzz too Even smoking the tobacco, it was like a mini-cigar, too rough to inhale, only for puffing - but no chemicals, a pure buzz. Natural. Relaxing. It was nice. There was also a very common tea that we drank called Guayusa... once drunk, it would seep out of your pores and act as a natural insect repellent, and it actually worked, I barely got bit the whole time I was there. Of course, I also did douse my clothes with some bug repellent before leaving for the trip anyway. But my fellow mates didn't, and while they got bit slightly more than I, they were still surprised at how few insects bothered us almost the whole time down there.
The first and last Ayahuasca ceremonies were held at the original lodge, the 2nd and 3rd ceremonies were held at a second, newer area located deep within the Amazon... basically we had to take a taxi (which consisted of scrunching together in the back of a pick-up truck in the pouring rain), getting off on the side of the road, somewhere... and from there it was over an hour trek in the middle of nowhere to get to this mysterious location. The walk there (and everywhere) was gorgeous. Every single butterfly we saw was a different species. Every plant was different from the next. The jungle had so much life, so much energy. The jungle itself was "alive", with everything down to the tiniest microorganism working together in synergistic unision to create this "creature" of an ecosystem, of which would be compared to a human being in homeostasis itself - just on a totally different scale.
The structures we stayed at at this second location were built using the trees in the area, and it was totally self-sustaining. Another garden grew with foods and medicines of all sorts, and there was a small creek separating our sleeping area with the ceremony hut. There was no electricity at this location, and sitting on the deck at night writing in my journal by candlelight, I couldn't help but get the vague sense that I was in something of an Indiana Jones movie.
Surprisingly, the water worked better at the isolated location as opposed to the original one. I think because at their normal location/place of residence they were sharing the water tower with others. Needless to say I unintentionally clogged the toilet... several times.
ABOUT AYAHUASCA
I figure I should briefly explain what Ayahuasca is exactly, if only for completeness of my story. For those of you who don't know or aren't familiar - Ayahuasca is a delicate recipe - a very potent blend of at least 2 different plants. The main #1 plant - Banisteriopsis Caapi - is also known as the "vine of souls". It is a vine, that is said to house the spirit of the "mother": mother Ayahuasca. The vine is chosen carefully from the forest, and the shaman must ask permission from the forest before taking any portion of it. More scientifically speaking, the vine contains harmaline and other harmala alkaloids, which are very potent MAOI's. MAOI's are compounds that work to inhibit the enzyme which would normally break down toxins and other substances in the gut before digestion, such as serotonin and DMT, for example. DMT is normally inactive when ingested orally because it is broken down before reaching the bloodstream. The harmala (MAOI) alkaloids found in B. Caapi, the mother, the vine of souls, prevent this breakdown. It has an effect on its own, but is very mild and can be described exactly as stated above on the night of our first ceremony.
For those of you who don't know what DMT is... I'd be very surprised if you are reading this and don't already know, but I feel like I have to say it just to make sure. Plus, you might learn something you didn't know anyway. DMT is shorthand for N,N-Dimethyltryptamine. It is a psychedelic tryptamine, a hallucinogen, and one of the strongest in existence at that. However, it is a completely natural substance whose presence is widespread throughout the plant kingdom, and is also found in at least trace amounts in the majority of mammals, including humans. It is produced by our own brains as we sleep, and dream, every night. It is also released in large amounts at the time of birth, and in MASSIVE amounts, at time of death. It is believed to be produced by the pineal gland, a small pine-cone shaped gland directly in the middle of the brain (but is not part of the actual brain). The pineal gland is also responsible for releasing melatonin, another tryptamine responsible for regulating sleep cycles which also contributes to dreaming as well. Well, what is interesting to note is that in Mahayana Buddhism, when one dies it is said that it takes 49 days for a spirit to be reborn again into a new life. Well, according to Dr. Rick Strassman's research, which has not been disputed by other physicians, it is seenthat in the developing fetus, the pineal gland first appears in the developing human fetus at the 49th day after conception.
...Coincidence?
DMT is often referred to as the spirit molecule, and one must wonder why... perhaps it is a gateway? Or a looking glass? If so to what? My interpretations and beliefs will be described later, but for now, let's continue. In any case, DMT is found in quite LARGE amounts in a few select plant species in the Amazon, the top 2 being Chacruna and Chaliponga. According to my limited research, Chacruna contains only DMT, whereas Chaliponga contains mostly DMT, but also small trace amounts of 5-MeO-DMT, and bufotenin (toad venom) - which are both also potent hallucinogens. In their small amounts present however, it is hard to say whether they would have any effect on the trip or whether their effect woud be negligible. In any case, it is one of these plants that along with the B. Caapi vine is used to complete the Ayahuasca recipe. The plant which was chosen to be used for my group was the Chaliponga plant.
There are sometimes other plants added to the Ayahuasca mixture, such as Tobacco, Coca, or the more controversial Toe, but it is not necessary, and in some cases can be quite dangerous, as in the case of Toe, also known as Brugmansia - a very strong deleriant. Only the B. Caapi vine and DMT-rich leaves of a second plant are typically used as the basic recipe. This is all that was used for our ceremonies as well, and in my experience, is all that is needed...
***THE AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCES***
1) The First Experience
This was the second night of our stay at the lodge, and the first of the ceremonies. Needless to say the 4 of us were all pretty anxious. The ceremony hut was located just a short ways away from our sleeping quarters. The bathrooms were halfway in between. That was really my main concern. I had heard about the vomiting and the shits, and had no idea how that would work. Would I remember how to use the toilet? Would I shit myself? I had no idea. Well, we each took our places on the benches which were arranged in a semi-circle all facing where the shaman sits. There was also a fire pit to the left side within the ceremony hut that was dimly lit. There was a second campfire located right outside the ceremony hut. The sky was clear and the stars glowed bright, but they were only visible through the sides of the hut, since the roof above kept us enclosed in our room of journeying and exploration to come. We each had our blankets (great to have, as it not only keeps you warm during the cool nights, but it also keeps you mentally comfortable - kind of like something to hide it, the same way you would hug a teddy bear as a kid. You laugh at that now, but you try Ayahuasca and see how lovingly you wrap yourself in that blanket). So anyway, we were passed out our individual buckets for purging, and when everything was set, we went up one at a time and drank the bitter liquid. The shaman would bless it with a few words of Quechua, the local language, and blow tobacco smoke over it, supposedly to clear away any excess negative energy that may be hovering within the Aya. We then each went back to our seats and waited patiently. Some time passed, and I felt... something. A tranquil relaxation of a sort. Almost like the state of mind one would be in after a deep 20 or 30 minute meditation. My body felt relaxed, my mind felt "open" and clear. Edges were sharper and colors were slightly enhanced. The shaman called us each up one at a time and performed the cleansing part of the ceremony, after which we sat outside outside by the campfire and ate bananas. We all felt great, but at the same time, we felt jipped. Was that it? There were no hallucinations, no visions, no revelations, nothing. Just a calm, meditative type state. As nice as it felt, we were all left somewhat disappointed.
...I later learned the reason behind this... er, well, the most likely reason anyway. There were a couple of proposed explanations. The explanation that I believe to be the most likely and logical is that this was a "test night". The Ayahuasca was made weak on purpose to get a sense of all of our reactions. There is no telling otherwise if one of us would have an extreme reaction to it, and I feel it was the responsible thing for them to do - to give us a very low dose so as to gauge what we could handle. As a matter of fact, based off of previous experience with both MAOI's and DMT each by themselves, it felt like pure MAOI, with very little to no DMT. What is weird though is that I observed the shaman's wife (also our "guide's" mother) brewing it, and she certainly used the leaves, which leads me to a second, more controversial hypothesis: the spirit of the "Mother" (Mother Ayahuasca) felt we were not yet ready, or for whatever other reason, "chose" for us to not experience the visions at this point. One must ask how the Indians knew to mix the plants for such a unique and revelatory effect in the first place. They say the jungle "speaks" to them. As a westerner, I can only speculate from my rational-based cultured mind and can't help but look at this possibility with great skepticism, but one can never know for sure, can we?
And yet another possibility is simply that the leaves were not that potent and it was pure accident. In any event, the first ceremony was very uninspiring and insipid, if not simply relaxing and "comfortably phlegmatic".
2) The Second Experience
We had finished our long and arduous trek through the jungle and reached our second destination - the middle of nowhere. If something happened out here, forget it, we were done. There was no civilization for over an hour's walk let alone access to any sort of medical care. Well... YOLO, I guess...
We got ready for the second night. I did some one-legged squats, pullups and dips as a workout to release some endorphins, and then meditated for a good 15 minutes or so. I was anxious. Would tonight be the same? Would it be better? Are these guys for real? No, they must be, I know the girl who spent time with them and it worked for her, it HAS to work. What went wrong? Did I cheat on my diet? No, I didn't so it couldn't have been that. My mind was going in circles. I had to relax. I sat by the fire and drank some Guayusa and ate my bananas and rice and beans.
As the sun set, we made our way over to the ceremony hut on the other side of the creek and prepared ourselves. This time we all sat on the left side of a square area, with the shaman in the center against the back wall. There were 2 fire pits, one right outside connected to the hut in the corner, and another out in the center of the field in a courtyard like setting. There was nothing even remotely close to civilization around for miles. All we heard was a million different species of bugs chirping, and the barking tree frogs. Oh, those barking tree frogs. I will never forget that sound... it was almost the only thing at times that kept me anywhere near grounded back in reality...
The ceremony began the same way, as we each went up and drank our dose of the Yage brew and washed it down with some Guayusa. I went back to my seat with my blanket and waited. And waited. And waited. And then... that feeling came again. The meditative state. The sense of calm, clear "openness".
And then there was something else... slowly, the clarity became more "clear". The sedation became more pronounced. My stomach started to gurgle. More and more, the clarity of my visual field started to slowly break up, into what could be described as pixels. The pixels of everything I saw in my vision increased, and it became what you could call "visual noise". Almost like a snowy TV. Except this wasn't a TV. This was reality. Or was it? And it wasn't just "snow". The visual noise began to morph into something more. I'm not sure when or why, but I found my eyes shutting. Upon closing them the visual noise that had taken over my vision began to change, change into forms. Unfamiliar yet recognizable. I came upon an eye. I had seen it before. It was an Egyptian eye. One I had seen tons of times in ancient Egyptian heiroglyphics. Anyone would have immediately recognized it, but it had a different sense about it this time. I perceived it as the all-seeing eye, but not the perverted eye connected to the US dollar, or the gawdy New World Order. This is the True eye. I realized, it was the eye of the Mother. Mother Ayahuasca. That which knows and observes all.
The pixels continued to further recreate themselves into ominous zoomorphic images... guided by the barking tree frogs. What was incedible to me was that it wasn't even until after all of that that I realized I was tripping. HARD. I looked over at my newfound Kiwi buddy and asked if he felt it. He responded simply by saying it was the hardest fucking trip of his entire life. I laughed at this, but suddenly I began to feel uneasy. I felt what I sensed was a serpent in front of me... yet what I saw in front of me was actually inside of me. Whatever it was, that serpent, it wasn't good. Was I supposed to purge it out? That's what I was supposed to do, right? But I couldn't. I couldn't get myself to purge. At a certain point, I felt spirits attempting to rip apart at my own ego, but I couldn't comprehend it, it felt... I don't know... invasive, and weird. That's not really an accurate description, but it's the closest word I could think of to feeling what it was. Inapprorpiate. Yes, excuse me spirits, but you were being quite inappropriate by ripping my soul apart at the moment - I just was not quite ready for it yet. No. But that was the problem. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't ready because I think that I had been trying too hard. By trying too hard, I was actually creating another problem, my ego itself, was creating its own problem of not being able to let itself go but trying to let itself go. To let go one has to stop trying. That is why in a sense, there is no trying, only doing. Trying implies unsuccessful effort, or futile apprehension. That is when life becomes meaningless, because it becomes a problem that which is impossible to solve by itself. It is like the fireman trying to put out the fire with gasoline.
At this point, I started coming down. The shaman did his blessing and a sense of peace and deep relaxation came over me. We actually ended up drinking a second cup, and the visions came back, but with more of an empty mind and less meaning, it was more just a visual show at that point. The second dose for me seemed to wear off quicker as well, and I was once again left with a sense of peace, sedation and relaxation. One of my Kiwi friends purged soon after the second cup however. I sat by the fire with our guide the Shaman's son, and spoke of my experience as best I could in Spanish, though the translation was tough, especially in my half-hallucinatory state. Overall, it wasn't an easy trip by any means, quite unsettling actually, and ultimately raised many more questions than it answered. But I didn't know what to make of it afterwards. I almost felt as if it had all come and gone too quickly. There were no revelations. What was left? How much time had passed? Despite this experience sounding as intense as it did, I would rate it only as moderate strength. I know - everything I just described would signifiy one of the strongest trips in existence, but really, it just wasnt that strong. It only hinted toward these questions that I felt were raised by my own subconscious through subtle "hints" that this trip had given me.
That should at the same time however give an idea as to the profound effect that this medicine has upon the mind. Really though, I had still expected more - I knew I had not experienced the true transcendence that Ayahuasca supposedly had to offer.
There was one thing though, that was quite unsettling. That eye that I had seen, the Egyptian one, which I sensed to be the mother... it was later discovered through conversation that it was also seen by all 3 of my other comrades as well that very same night...
Huh. Weird.
---
The next night would be a break from the Ayahuasca, so I took most of the time to rest, relax and recuperate. We drank bark juice that made us throw up. They said it was for more cleansing. I'm pretty sure it was rather just for a good laugh.
Later on, I washed my clothes in the creek. It was pretty relaxing and meditative. I'm beginning to think anything can be meditative if looked at in the right light. My thoughts in Ayahuasca lay deep however. More was to come, and I was in no way prepared for what lay ahead.
3) The Third Experience
The third experience was unfortunately for me, very weak. Somewhat comparable to the first night but with the DMT being slightly more prominent. It was a very mild and relaxing trip with some nice comforting visuals. The visuals resembled something that one could picture as psychedelic Picasso-esque images. Actually, due to the intensity of my second trip, this was somewhat of a welcoming relief - a more recreational experience. For the others I was with however, the experience was apparently quite profound. Even the shaman himself had to leave the ceremony and have his son take over, for he was immersed in the visuals so strongly (the shaman will generally drink some Ayahuasca as well at the time of the ceremonies, though not as much). This made me very surprised, as the shaman remained in his trane state for quite some time. His son finished the ceremony, after which his son purged very violently. To be frank, everyone at this ceremony was pretty damn fucked up... except for me... and the mate with the dreads. It is worth noting that at this point, that well-toned muscular final fantasy/pirate dressed man had not yet experienced ANYTHING on ANY of the nights. Not surprisingly, up to this point he was very disappointed - but something strange and unique happened to him on this third night. Not long after leaving the ceremony hut disappointed - he ate some bananas, and afterwards, experienced a mild trip! Then he remembered reading somewhere that bananas have small amounts of DMT as well. Well, 2 cups of Ayahuasca didn't work, but then add a couple of bananas and you can experience astral projection into other realms lol. Anyway as I said earlier regarding my mild experience for the night, in a way I was relieved, but at the same time I was still a little disappointed myself. I wanted my money's worth, and the last experience raised so many questions and concerns, that I wanted answers. I knew I needed spiritual healing, because lately before coming, I just hadn't felt right. I do believe it had to do with a not-so-pleasant acid trip I had several months back. Since that trip, I had a strange sense of constant underlying anxiety, and a sense that my ego had grown into something more negative and controlling of my consciousness... this was what I was looking and hoping to fix while here. It still just hadn't happened.
4) The Fourth Experience
The fourth and last ceremony was led not by the shaman, but by his son. It was back at the original "home lodge", in the same ceremony hut that our first ceremony was conducted in. The process stated as usual. I was the last to go this time.
As I went up and drank the cup, it had to be at least 10x as bitter as any of the other brews I had consumed in the past week. Pieces of leaf and root bark actually went into my mouth and were swallowed along with the brew itself. This told me that this last and final night, may just be the one I was looking for.
I washed it down with some Guayusa as usual, and took my seat back on my bench. It didn't take long for the effects to begin. The same familiar effects appeared at first; the relaxation, the color brightening, the mind "opening", the increased awareness. Then came the visual noise, yet this all progressed very fast, much faster than the previous nights. I felt my stomach gurgling. I closed my eyes and felt a strange force gesture for my body to lay down. I don't know how much longer it took, but not long at all. Within what felt like minutes, my soul seemed to have left my body. I was aware of my body, but my mind and soul felt no longer directly connected to it in the typical sense. I was visually transported to a dimension of what could only be described as pure energy. It was mostly yellow, with streaks of blue and indigo. It somewhat resembled the Star Trek Enterprise attaining warp speed. Except this was me, my consciousness, in a warp speed of yellow, pure energy, flying through it all. The shaman for the night guided us with chants and mantras that, although not in English, had a magical quality about them hard to describe. I had no control over where I went in my visions, so I just let them take me. I didn't know what it was or what to make of it, and I wondered if I should be afraid. I don't know if it was the Mother, or just myself responding, but I then immediately realized I felt no fear. As far gone as I was, I felt 0 fear. In the state I was in, and where I felt my soul was going, I had every reason to be terrified, but I wasn't. I think I realized why... it was because I was so far gone, that there was no point in being afraid. It is was pointless to even bother to experience fear in the place as I now was simply so far gone. To make any effort to resist would have been futile, and I'm sure my subconscious recognized this. I knew this was as strong as things could possibly get, and I was immediately satisfied. I didn't know what else to expect. There were no revelations here however, just an experience and oneness with pure energy. Moving energy that was constantly shifting and folding like a roller coaster. At one point, I felt as though I were being taken through the human anatomy, as if I were being shown some sort of design, though I didn't know why or what it meant. Some of my comrades had spoken of their previous revelations on Aya of recognizing God being Love, another of God being Presence, or the moment of infinite Now, or just existence itself, being God.
This led me to question God myself as well. So I tried asking the Mother this. That made me think of the concept of Mother herself. If the Mother was the all-knowing, all-seeing, that would mean God is female. But logically I had to conclude it was neither, because if God is the All then there can be no gender prescribed to God. God must include both male and female. Wait... was this a test? A test of what? What would happen if I passed? I had always concluded that God is simply the All, and All is in the All, while the All is in All. The mother was part of what makes us all, watching us, guiding us, with her eye, that oh so recognizable Egyptian eye which had now appeared again! And how now knowing that the eye is within us at all times. This could be the third eye as in Indian scripture perhaps. Just as in the same way that the universe, or multiverse, is made of atoms, and each atom may itself be yet another multiverse, and infinity exists within each of them, with a microsecond and infinity occurring simultaneously, with no difference between them. The other, which included All, was the teacher, the caregiver, and suddenly I understood it as it was, with no other explanation necessary. My only question then at that point was if that was the Mother, then what of the Father? Perhaps Iboga is the father... but that I concluded would be a hypothesis that would need to be tested another time. No time for speculating that now. Or was there?
Because I realized now that time is infinite; but not simply infinite, but that every single present moment, the infinite present, was an infinity within itself, and non-linear, with infinite possibilities. Flying through the energy, which seemed to be slowing down a bit now, each part of my life then took on a different form - an insect, aliens, snakes, waves of fractal envelopes and sheet folds of color, each composing another event, or aspect or concept found within my life. The shamans chants, songs and mantras picked up. His performance was full of energy and very on point - quite a show - even if one was not on Ayahuasca, it would have been impressive. And then there wee those fucking barking tree frogs. All of this together brought me back to my first DMT trip, and how I had gotten
the sense that my life was "created" by me before my physical lf had even begun. Had I chosen my life before living here, in this world, with these choices I've made, that I will make? I had chosen the life to live and all of its experiences before even beginning to live. But it didn't matter or make a difference because it had already happened, and there was nothing I could do to change it. It is what it is. I had lived it before, chosen it before, an infinite amount of times, this life. But why? What was the reason? Was I missing something? Had I been going wrong this whole time? Should I be doing something else? What could I do to change this passage of life so as to end the endless cycle of my repeated chosen life? Was it meant to be ended? Did I want it to end? I didn't know the answers to these questions but felt I needed them so badly. I believe that maybe we are not meant to know the answers to these questions, because it is simply what the fabric of time and space is made of, knowing it would destroy its existence, and perhaps our very reason to exist is to experience the concept of existence itself. All of these thoughts scared me. The visual representations of these thoughts, feelings, events, people, places, things, concepts... all of it, terrified me. But I realized that really, there sould be nothing to be afraid of. Because all of these things; they are all one. They are the All. And that was it. And we were a part of it.
And after our temporary seemingly meaningless physical experience on this "plane" of existence, if you want to call it that, we return to it, as the source. The All. Past, present, future, all possibilities and all timelines, all concepts, everything as stated before. We will merge with it once again, and create in our own minds, an idea, that which will become our next experience, our next life. That being realized, there is no such thing as "death". It is only an illusion misunderstood due to the confines and sensory and perceptual limitations of our physical psyche.
Despite realizing all of this, I couldn't let go. I then came upon a creature. It was a strange creature, it had eyes... pure white round eyeballs, one bigger than the other, and it's body was made of a humanoid-esque contraption of levers and pulleys. I can still envision exactly what it looked like and what I saw. Metal tin cans for arms and forearms, levered by rubber pulleys. This was connected to a wooden plank, which was suspended where the creature's stomach would have been. Looking at this creature, I again realized, it was inside of me. The levers and pulleys were pulling up the wooden plank, and as it worked it's mechanisms, I felt it working inside of me. It wanted me to purge. It was trying to help push up the negative energy, that negative energy which was - my ego. I laid on my side, watching this creature, begging me to purge. All I had to do was sit up and grab the bucket, but I didn't move.
I asked, why? The mother responded "because you want to experience truth, and real truth is pure beauty." I then envisioned black tiles of reflective darkness cracking open between their grouts... as light shown through. I needed to purge to rid myself of my ego - my ego that which makes up my identity - my identity - based off of my fears, my anger, my addictions, all that which hold me back from experiencing the truth, the purity of life. Life as light that would shine through if only I could have the courage to let go - to purge it all out. I knew if I wanted to experience truth, beauty, I needed the courage and stength to purge through the discomfort, and I would know bliss, which I could then carry back into my life, and be free. True freedom. This is when I finally understood the purge, and what it all meant. Green neon snakes slithered up my arms, pulling my upwards, the Mother doing everything she could to help me rid myself of my ego, so I could be free and live a life of beautiful freedom - with all of my dreams coming true...
...But I couldn't do it. I realized... I wasn't ready. I found realization that, I had comfort in my ego. I relied on my ego for identity. My ego, my problems, were what I felt made me feel important. If I lost my negative qualities that I felt defined me so well, and that I regularly found so much comfort in, then who was I? I was consumed by and bound to the demons of my own ego, that which kept me separated from the All, creating isolation within myself from All that which could have saved me from what one would perceive as "hell on Earth". I knew the key to experiencing oneness with the source was separating myself from my ego. But I was myself. Am myself. I am my ego. So how could I separate myself from myself? I could have done it, and I should have done it. To this very second, I regret not purging that day. A tear fills my eye as I write this at this very momemt with such regret. And yet regret, there it is, my ego. I have chosen a life of egocentrism, a life of normalcy, a life that most do not even realize they are able to set themselves free from. I wasn't ready to move beyond the normalcy of the common human condition. I stayed. I stayed in myself, and I chose to not set myself free, because I was scared. Fear. Fear is what holds us back from fulfilling our potential in this life. Fear is what destroys lives, creates wars, causes famine, poverty, sickness, drama and all that which we as humans seem to feed off of like locusts. I could not set myself free that day, but I try to tell myself everyday, that I am now at least aware, and one step closer than I was before. I will return to the jungle, and I will face my fears again. I WILL conquer. When, I don't know. I suppose when I am ready. All I know is, next time, I MUST have the courage to purge when I am told. It took me every step of the way, and I chose to stop short of bliss. I chose this life now. And I feel it - I do. I know things would have been different. I may have made better decisions, I would have had a better outlook.
But no regrets at this point, what's done is done.
On a more physical note, choosing to not purge when told was physically a VERY BAD IDEA
At first it was okay, for the next hour or two. Despite not purging, and after departing from the pulley creature, I entered an incredible Avatar-like wrold of beautiful natural energy, in the forms of many strange forest creatures - alien frogs, humanoid insects, and landscapes of rivers, valleys, and enchanting passages that in my opinion, are impossible for the mind to just create on its own. I am convinced that Ayahuasca and DMT alike open the portal to somewhere else - wherever and whatever it may be.
It was the most beautiful world I had ever seen. I experienced glimpses of euphoric bliss - time capsules of oneness with all that created ecstasy beyond comprehension. But the refusal to purge eventually caught up with me. Eventually, I felt sick - VERY SICK. Very nauseous, and just "off". I knew it was from not purging, and it ruined the end of my experience this night. If you try Ayahuasca and are given the instruction by the Mother to purge, PURGE. Listen to her. Do not resist. No matter how afraid, do not let your fear hold you back, let go of your ego, and free yourself, or you will pay for it in the end.
The next day I felt okay, but strange, and still "off". For the next week or so, I kept getting dizzy spells and "electric shocks" in my brain, similar to the "electric shock" symptom of SSRI withdrawal. I am sure this was caused from not purging when I should have. It took quite awhile to feel normal again. One day, I vow to return and finish the journey that I started. I'm scared, but I feel it really it something that must be done. Unless I find another way to make-up for it, perhaps with Iboga or something, or some other sort of life experience. We shall see.
I also met the shaman's son's sister-in-law the last day who was pretty damn cute, and we kinda hit it off... though I left for home later that day (she called the taxi driver on my way to the airport to get my info and give me hers, and we still keep in touch... sometimes
Overall, a rough but great trip.
I know this was long, but I hope you all enjoyed it and found it informative. Please, I encrouage discussion and questions about this, as I am sure there is still information I left out.
Oh, and that guy with the dreads, he FINALLY tripped on that last night - HARD. He experienced pretty much the same as I did. He loved it, but yet, he held in his purge as well, and guess what... just as well regretted it.
DO NOT RESIST THE PURGE.
Also, by the way, 2 out of the 3 other guys who were there (including dreadlock man)... at some point in their trips, they saw themselves traveling across the astral plane, and randomly came across women they knew, personally... women who they hadn't spoken with in a very long time. They felt a connection with them during their vision, and decided they would contact them to catch up when they got back to civilization. Well, 2 days later, when we finally had access to computers again, they went on facebook to contact them, and BOTH found that the girls they had each thought of while on their Ayahuasca trips who they were going to contact, had ALREADY CONTACTED them, just that day or the day prior, stating how they had strange dreams of them just a few nights prior, which encouraged them to contact them... it was the same nights they saw them in their visions...
...Now what does that say?
DMT: The Spirit Molecule... certainly seems to raise more questions than it solves. We may never know the secrets of life or the universe, know why were here, or understand the possibilities of what lies beyond our scientific grasp, but we can certainly speculate, and it seems the psychedelics, especially DMT, may provide at least some insight... but we may never know.
Peace & Love
And I swear those fucking barking tree frogs... 8)
So, my story starts off by saying I know this cute Canadian chick with a YouTube channel who introduced me to the idea of trying Ayahuasca. I contacted her, became friends with her, and she gave me information for going to Ecuador and experiencing it myself.
So, then I did it.
WOW - is all I have to fucking say. I plan on giving the entire experience of the retreat, not just the Ayahuasca experience itself, because I feel that not many people know what an Ayahuasca retreat is really like. It's long, but I tried to make it fun to read and hope you enjoy it. If you want to skip ahead to the Ayahuasca experiences specifically, go down to where it says ***THE AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCES*** There were 4 Ayahuasca ceremonies total, and they will each be numbered.
Now before I begin with my experience down there, I'm going to say that I would really like to give the name of the family and their website for this retreat to promote them since they were so true, honest, authentic and wonderful, but I'm not really sure if that would be considered sourcing or not, or if it would be a good idea in general... technically I feel like it is not sourcing - it's just stating where I went and who I stayed with in Ecuador, where the activities are perfectly legal anyways... and to be honest, I think if one is interested in doing Ayahuasca, participating in a legitimate ceremony with a traditional/professional shaman is the only way to do it. I am strongly against home preps of Ayahuasca for many reasons which I won't really get into, but anyone know knows anything about Ayahuasca can probably take a couple of good guesses why. I say if you want to experience the closest thing to Ayahuasca safely without leaving your home, good quality Changa would be your best bet as a glimpse into the Ayahuasca world (short of smoking pure DMT, which feels MUCH different, IMO). Not to mention, if you do travel to Ecuador/Peru to experience the beautiful divinity of an Ayahuasca ceremony, I feel it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to find and work with a reputable shaman. That is why, IF AND ONLY IF it is allowed on Bluelight, I would be willing to disclose and recommend the specific family and retreat I went on... but ONLY with the OK from Bluelight first, since I don't know if it would be considered sourcing or not - to me it's not sourcing, but who knows. In any case I am disclosing nothing here, so moderators, please let me know if this would be OK. Of course, I would still take no responsibility if something were to happen to anyone, regardless if they went on the same retreat or not. You are responsible for your own choices in life, and that's that.
ANYWAY... on with the story...
I arrived in Quito, Ecuador late at night... thought the people at the hostel I was staying at for the first night forgot to pick me up at the airport, but they were just late. Really late, lol. Brought me back to the hostel where I was greeted by 2 over-friendly and over-sized dogs, before being shown where I was to spend the night - a closet sized room with a leaking toilet and single flickering light bulb for illumination.
Woke up the next morning and walked outside into the beautiful spacious courtyard, and peered across into the garden where the first image I saw was a well-toned muscular white dude with dreadlocks, wearing clothes that looked as if they came out of a final fantasy video game, meditating in the garden across the way. Me being from Jersey and seeing this... wasn't normal. But that was a good thing! I knew I was in for an adventure for the next week. He turned out to be from New Zealand, along with his 2 mates who were inside eating breakfast in the dinig area. It was a pretty nice place - real quaint and cozy, and pretty clean. It was to be the 4 of us for the week. There was supposed to be a 5th, but he never showed. I liked the idea of a small group - I don't like large crowds of people I don't know and I was anxious enough about drinking Ayahuasca in the middle of the fucking jungle.
SO, off we went on the 4 hour bus ride through the Andes and into the Amazon - listening to a combination of 60s/70s classic rock, and Ecuadorian EDM. I'm glad I was with the 3 guys I was with - they were probably 3 of the nicest people I had ever met - I just wasn't used to it being from Jersey.
The place we stayed at was nice, but simple - it was a wooden structure with multiple rooms kinda like a small motel with 2 floors... since there were only 4 of us we each had our own rooms. There was supposed to be a translator, but there wasn't. So, my 3 months experience teaching myself Spanish using Pimsleur in my bedroom coupled with my month studying abroad in Spain completing my language requirements a few years prior qualified me to officially became the unofficial translator - both ways. Our hosts didn't speak a whole lot of English, and my comrades knew barely a lick of Spanish. So, I was it. I got used to it pretty quick though and it was a good experience. The first day we didn't drink Aya, we just got settled, ate some fresh fish from the river and fresh veggies (which the family grows themsleves by the way), and went wading in the Amazon river. No Anacondas
Afterwards we went back and rested, it had been a long time traveling to get to here. But of course, that first night of trying to catch some sleep, the schoolyard right next to the family's property decided to have a rager and was blasting Ecuadorian EDM once again, ALL NIGHT. I mean really, get this: we are at a secluded shamanic farm family's home and retreat, and okay, there is what looks to be a smallgrade school (with a very large field) right next to their property, and here someone (not our family) are having a fucking dance party all night. Welcome to 3rd world traveling people - there are always surprises lol. It didn't catch me too off-guard though, because I had already spent 4 months living in Morocco, so the same sort of random make-no-sense stuff would happen there just the same. Really, I was kinda annoyed that I couldn't sleep, but at the same time, that's the type of stuff that makes this sort of traveling so... worth it. Always something new and different and random going on. Anyway, so much for sleeping that night.
The next day we woke up, ate breakfast, and just hung around most of the day. I really don't remember what we did. I'm pretty sure we didn't do much, just hung out and explored the grounds. I do remember a sauna experience at night before our evening meal... they brewed some type of plant in a pot and we covered oursevles and the pot with a blanket while stirring the pot, releasing steaming hot fumes. It was like we were sweating out all of the toxins in an intense sauna. I don't know what plant it was that was in the pot we were stirring, but it made us pretty euphoric. I started laughing/crying for no reason while sweating my ass off under that blanket. It felt great and afterwards bout 20 minutes later I felt totally cleansed and rejuvinated.
I think it's important to note that these people grow almost ALL of their own fruits and vegetables, and catch their own fish, etc. Even if they didn't do it themselves, the people they bought it from in the markets of the closest city about 10 minutes away (again, not sure I should disclose the city because it may give away the retreat if it's not allowed), had caught it or farmed it themselves. No herbicides, no pesticides, no GMO's (that picture and story about non-GMO bananas being too small to eat and having so many seeds in them you'd break your teeth with is complete bullshit - the bananas ARE smaller, but there are more per bunch to make up for it, and the seeds are no bigger than the ones found in normal bananas - and they were delicious!).
...Even more importantly, these people grow their own MEDICINE (it should also be noted that Ayahuasca is considered a medicine, NOT a drug). There is the bark of a tree that is used as a contraceptive for women, there are roots to chew on to help tootheaches, there is a tree referred to as "Sangre de Drago" (Blood of the Dragon), which has a sap that is deep dark red... it looks like blood, which is antibacterial, and if you have a cut or mosquito bites or something like that, you take the sap and rub it on until it starts to lather, like soap almost. Then it dries, and helps heal the wound faster... a couple hours later you peel it off and your wound is healed about 50% faster. There are tons of others too but I don't even remember them all. They have tobacco... REAL tobacco, which they use to clear out your sinuses. One of the days we took a long trek to a sacred waterfall (NOTE: there was TONS of trekking and physical activity on this trip - not for the weak for sure), and at the waterfall which was beautiful (there was an energy there hard to describe), the shaman's son who guided us dipped the tobacco leaf in a small amount of water. He then had us lean our heads back while sitting, and open your mouths to ready the sinus passages... he then qould squeeze the tobacco infused water down each nostril... it burned like hell! But it worked! Our sinuses felt 100% more open after doing that, even without them being clogged in the first place. And you get a nice little tobacco buzz too
Even smoking the tobacco, it was like a mini-cigar, too rough to inhale, only for puffing - but no chemicals, a pure buzz. Natural. Relaxing. It was nice. There was also a very common tea that we drank called Guayusa... once drunk, it would seep out of your pores and act as a natural insect repellent, and it actually worked, I barely got bit the whole time I was there. Of course, I also did douse my clothes with some bug repellent before leaving for the trip anyway. But my fellow mates didn't, and while they got bit slightly more than I, they were still surprised at how few insects bothered us almost the whole time down there. The first and last Ayahuasca ceremonies were held at the original lodge, the 2nd and 3rd ceremonies were held at a second, newer area located deep within the Amazon... basically we had to take a taxi (which consisted of scrunching together in the back of a pick-up truck in the pouring rain), getting off on the side of the road, somewhere... and from there it was over an hour trek in the middle of nowhere to get to this mysterious location. The walk there (and everywhere) was gorgeous. Every single butterfly we saw was a different species. Every plant was different from the next. The jungle had so much life, so much energy. The jungle itself was "alive", with everything down to the tiniest microorganism working together in synergistic unision to create this "creature" of an ecosystem, of which would be compared to a human being in homeostasis itself - just on a totally different scale.
The structures we stayed at at this second location were built using the trees in the area, and it was totally self-sustaining. Another garden grew with foods and medicines of all sorts, and there was a small creek separating our sleeping area with the ceremony hut. There was no electricity at this location, and sitting on the deck at night writing in my journal by candlelight, I couldn't help but get the vague sense that I was in something of an Indiana Jones movie.
Surprisingly, the water worked better at the isolated location as opposed to the original one. I think because at their normal location/place of residence they were sharing the water tower with others. Needless to say I unintentionally clogged the toilet... several times.
ABOUT AYAHUASCA
I figure I should briefly explain what Ayahuasca is exactly, if only for completeness of my story. For those of you who don't know or aren't familiar - Ayahuasca is a delicate recipe - a very potent blend of at least 2 different plants. The main #1 plant - Banisteriopsis Caapi - is also known as the "vine of souls". It is a vine, that is said to house the spirit of the "mother": mother Ayahuasca. The vine is chosen carefully from the forest, and the shaman must ask permission from the forest before taking any portion of it. More scientifically speaking, the vine contains harmaline and other harmala alkaloids, which are very potent MAOI's. MAOI's are compounds that work to inhibit the enzyme which would normally break down toxins and other substances in the gut before digestion, such as serotonin and DMT, for example. DMT is normally inactive when ingested orally because it is broken down before reaching the bloodstream. The harmala (MAOI) alkaloids found in B. Caapi, the mother, the vine of souls, prevent this breakdown. It has an effect on its own, but is very mild and can be described exactly as stated above on the night of our first ceremony.
For those of you who don't know what DMT is... I'd be very surprised if you are reading this and don't already know, but I feel like I have to say it just to make sure. Plus, you might learn something you didn't know anyway. DMT is shorthand for N,N-Dimethyltryptamine. It is a psychedelic tryptamine, a hallucinogen, and one of the strongest in existence at that. However, it is a completely natural substance whose presence is widespread throughout the plant kingdom, and is also found in at least trace amounts in the majority of mammals, including humans. It is produced by our own brains as we sleep, and dream, every night. It is also released in large amounts at the time of birth, and in MASSIVE amounts, at time of death. It is believed to be produced by the pineal gland, a small pine-cone shaped gland directly in the middle of the brain (but is not part of the actual brain). The pineal gland is also responsible for releasing melatonin, another tryptamine responsible for regulating sleep cycles which also contributes to dreaming as well. Well, what is interesting to note is that in Mahayana Buddhism, when one dies it is said that it takes 49 days for a spirit to be reborn again into a new life. Well, according to Dr. Rick Strassman's research, which has not been disputed by other physicians, it is seenthat in the developing fetus, the pineal gland first appears in the developing human fetus at the 49th day after conception.
...Coincidence?
DMT is often referred to as the spirit molecule, and one must wonder why... perhaps it is a gateway? Or a looking glass? If so to what? My interpretations and beliefs will be described later, but for now, let's continue. In any case, DMT is found in quite LARGE amounts in a few select plant species in the Amazon, the top 2 being Chacruna and Chaliponga. According to my limited research, Chacruna contains only DMT, whereas Chaliponga contains mostly DMT, but also small trace amounts of 5-MeO-DMT, and bufotenin (toad venom) - which are both also potent hallucinogens. In their small amounts present however, it is hard to say whether they would have any effect on the trip or whether their effect woud be negligible. In any case, it is one of these plants that along with the B. Caapi vine is used to complete the Ayahuasca recipe. The plant which was chosen to be used for my group was the Chaliponga plant.
There are sometimes other plants added to the Ayahuasca mixture, such as Tobacco, Coca, or the more controversial Toe, but it is not necessary, and in some cases can be quite dangerous, as in the case of Toe, also known as Brugmansia - a very strong deleriant. Only the B. Caapi vine and DMT-rich leaves of a second plant are typically used as the basic recipe. This is all that was used for our ceremonies as well, and in my experience, is all that is needed...
***THE AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCES***
1) The First Experience
This was the second night of our stay at the lodge, and the first of the ceremonies. Needless to say the 4 of us were all pretty anxious. The ceremony hut was located just a short ways away from our sleeping quarters. The bathrooms were halfway in between. That was really my main concern. I had heard about the vomiting and the shits, and had no idea how that would work. Would I remember how to use the toilet? Would I shit myself? I had no idea. Well, we each took our places on the benches which were arranged in a semi-circle all facing where the shaman sits. There was also a fire pit to the left side within the ceremony hut that was dimly lit. There was a second campfire located right outside the ceremony hut. The sky was clear and the stars glowed bright, but they were only visible through the sides of the hut, since the roof above kept us enclosed in our room of journeying and exploration to come. We each had our blankets (great to have, as it not only keeps you warm during the cool nights, but it also keeps you mentally comfortable - kind of like something to hide it, the same way you would hug a teddy bear as a kid. You laugh at that now, but you try Ayahuasca and see how lovingly you wrap yourself in that blanket). So anyway, we were passed out our individual buckets for purging, and when everything was set, we went up one at a time and drank the bitter liquid. The shaman would bless it with a few words of Quechua, the local language, and blow tobacco smoke over it, supposedly to clear away any excess negative energy that may be hovering within the Aya. We then each went back to our seats and waited patiently. Some time passed, and I felt... something. A tranquil relaxation of a sort. Almost like the state of mind one would be in after a deep 20 or 30 minute meditation. My body felt relaxed, my mind felt "open" and clear. Edges were sharper and colors were slightly enhanced. The shaman called us each up one at a time and performed the cleansing part of the ceremony, after which we sat outside outside by the campfire and ate bananas. We all felt great, but at the same time, we felt jipped. Was that it? There were no hallucinations, no visions, no revelations, nothing. Just a calm, meditative type state. As nice as it felt, we were all left somewhat disappointed.
...I later learned the reason behind this... er, well, the most likely reason anyway. There were a couple of proposed explanations. The explanation that I believe to be the most likely and logical is that this was a "test night". The Ayahuasca was made weak on purpose to get a sense of all of our reactions. There is no telling otherwise if one of us would have an extreme reaction to it, and I feel it was the responsible thing for them to do - to give us a very low dose so as to gauge what we could handle. As a matter of fact, based off of previous experience with both MAOI's and DMT each by themselves, it felt like pure MAOI, with very little to no DMT. What is weird though is that I observed the shaman's wife (also our "guide's" mother) brewing it, and she certainly used the leaves, which leads me to a second, more controversial hypothesis: the spirit of the "Mother" (Mother Ayahuasca) felt we were not yet ready, or for whatever other reason, "chose" for us to not experience the visions at this point. One must ask how the Indians knew to mix the plants for such a unique and revelatory effect in the first place. They say the jungle "speaks" to them. As a westerner, I can only speculate from my rational-based cultured mind and can't help but look at this possibility with great skepticism, but one can never know for sure, can we?
And yet another possibility is simply that the leaves were not that potent and it was pure accident. In any event, the first ceremony was very uninspiring and insipid, if not simply relaxing and "comfortably phlegmatic".
2) The Second Experience
We had finished our long and arduous trek through the jungle and reached our second destination - the middle of nowhere. If something happened out here, forget it, we were done. There was no civilization for over an hour's walk let alone access to any sort of medical care. Well... YOLO, I guess...
We got ready for the second night. I did some one-legged squats, pullups and dips as a workout to release some endorphins, and then meditated for a good 15 minutes or so. I was anxious. Would tonight be the same? Would it be better? Are these guys for real? No, they must be, I know the girl who spent time with them and it worked for her, it HAS to work. What went wrong? Did I cheat on my diet? No, I didn't so it couldn't have been that. My mind was going in circles. I had to relax. I sat by the fire and drank some Guayusa and ate my bananas and rice and beans.
As the sun set, we made our way over to the ceremony hut on the other side of the creek and prepared ourselves. This time we all sat on the left side of a square area, with the shaman in the center against the back wall. There were 2 fire pits, one right outside connected to the hut in the corner, and another out in the center of the field in a courtyard like setting. There was nothing even remotely close to civilization around for miles. All we heard was a million different species of bugs chirping, and the barking tree frogs. Oh, those barking tree frogs. I will never forget that sound... it was almost the only thing at times that kept me anywhere near grounded back in reality...
The ceremony began the same way, as we each went up and drank our dose of the Yage brew and washed it down with some Guayusa. I went back to my seat with my blanket and waited. And waited. And waited. And then... that feeling came again. The meditative state. The sense of calm, clear "openness".
And then there was something else... slowly, the clarity became more "clear". The sedation became more pronounced. My stomach started to gurgle. More and more, the clarity of my visual field started to slowly break up, into what could be described as pixels. The pixels of everything I saw in my vision increased, and it became what you could call "visual noise". Almost like a snowy TV. Except this wasn't a TV. This was reality. Or was it? And it wasn't just "snow". The visual noise began to morph into something more. I'm not sure when or why, but I found my eyes shutting. Upon closing them the visual noise that had taken over my vision began to change, change into forms. Unfamiliar yet recognizable. I came upon an eye. I had seen it before. It was an Egyptian eye. One I had seen tons of times in ancient Egyptian heiroglyphics. Anyone would have immediately recognized it, but it had a different sense about it this time. I perceived it as the all-seeing eye, but not the perverted eye connected to the US dollar, or the gawdy New World Order. This is the True eye. I realized, it was the eye of the Mother. Mother Ayahuasca. That which knows and observes all.
The pixels continued to further recreate themselves into ominous zoomorphic images... guided by the barking tree frogs. What was incedible to me was that it wasn't even until after all of that that I realized I was tripping. HARD. I looked over at my newfound Kiwi buddy and asked if he felt it. He responded simply by saying it was the hardest fucking trip of his entire life. I laughed at this, but suddenly I began to feel uneasy. I felt what I sensed was a serpent in front of me... yet what I saw in front of me was actually inside of me. Whatever it was, that serpent, it wasn't good. Was I supposed to purge it out? That's what I was supposed to do, right? But I couldn't. I couldn't get myself to purge. At a certain point, I felt spirits attempting to rip apart at my own ego, but I couldn't comprehend it, it felt... I don't know... invasive, and weird. That's not really an accurate description, but it's the closest word I could think of to feeling what it was. Inapprorpiate. Yes, excuse me spirits, but you were being quite inappropriate by ripping my soul apart at the moment - I just was not quite ready for it yet. No. But that was the problem. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't ready because I think that I had been trying too hard. By trying too hard, I was actually creating another problem, my ego itself, was creating its own problem of not being able to let itself go but trying to let itself go. To let go one has to stop trying. That is why in a sense, there is no trying, only doing. Trying implies unsuccessful effort, or futile apprehension. That is when life becomes meaningless, because it becomes a problem that which is impossible to solve by itself. It is like the fireman trying to put out the fire with gasoline.
At this point, I started coming down. The shaman did his blessing and a sense of peace and deep relaxation came over me. We actually ended up drinking a second cup, and the visions came back, but with more of an empty mind and less meaning, it was more just a visual show at that point. The second dose for me seemed to wear off quicker as well, and I was once again left with a sense of peace, sedation and relaxation. One of my Kiwi friends purged soon after the second cup however. I sat by the fire with our guide the Shaman's son, and spoke of my experience as best I could in Spanish, though the translation was tough, especially in my half-hallucinatory state. Overall, it wasn't an easy trip by any means, quite unsettling actually, and ultimately raised many more questions than it answered. But I didn't know what to make of it afterwards. I almost felt as if it had all come and gone too quickly. There were no revelations. What was left? How much time had passed? Despite this experience sounding as intense as it did, I would rate it only as moderate strength. I know - everything I just described would signifiy one of the strongest trips in existence, but really, it just wasnt that strong. It only hinted toward these questions that I felt were raised by my own subconscious through subtle "hints" that this trip had given me.
That should at the same time however give an idea as to the profound effect that this medicine has upon the mind. Really though, I had still expected more - I knew I had not experienced the true transcendence that Ayahuasca supposedly had to offer.
There was one thing though, that was quite unsettling. That eye that I had seen, the Egyptian one, which I sensed to be the mother... it was later discovered through conversation that it was also seen by all 3 of my other comrades as well that very same night...
Huh. Weird.
---
The next night would be a break from the Ayahuasca, so I took most of the time to rest, relax and recuperate. We drank bark juice that made us throw up. They said it was for more cleansing. I'm pretty sure it was rather just for a good laugh.
Later on, I washed my clothes in the creek. It was pretty relaxing and meditative. I'm beginning to think anything can be meditative if looked at in the right light. My thoughts in Ayahuasca lay deep however. More was to come, and I was in no way prepared for what lay ahead.
3) The Third Experience
The third experience was unfortunately for me, very weak. Somewhat comparable to the first night but with the DMT being slightly more prominent. It was a very mild and relaxing trip with some nice comforting visuals. The visuals resembled something that one could picture as psychedelic Picasso-esque images. Actually, due to the intensity of my second trip, this was somewhat of a welcoming relief - a more recreational experience. For the others I was with however, the experience was apparently quite profound. Even the shaman himself had to leave the ceremony and have his son take over, for he was immersed in the visuals so strongly (the shaman will generally drink some Ayahuasca as well at the time of the ceremonies, though not as much). This made me very surprised, as the shaman remained in his trane state for quite some time. His son finished the ceremony, after which his son purged very violently. To be frank, everyone at this ceremony was pretty damn fucked up... except for me... and the mate with the dreads. It is worth noting that at this point, that well-toned muscular final fantasy/pirate dressed man had not yet experienced ANYTHING on ANY of the nights. Not surprisingly, up to this point he was very disappointed - but something strange and unique happened to him on this third night. Not long after leaving the ceremony hut disappointed - he ate some bananas, and afterwards, experienced a mild trip! Then he remembered reading somewhere that bananas have small amounts of DMT as well. Well, 2 cups of Ayahuasca didn't work, but then add a couple of bananas and you can experience astral projection into other realms lol. Anyway as I said earlier regarding my mild experience for the night, in a way I was relieved, but at the same time I was still a little disappointed myself. I wanted my money's worth, and the last experience raised so many questions and concerns, that I wanted answers. I knew I needed spiritual healing, because lately before coming, I just hadn't felt right. I do believe it had to do with a not-so-pleasant acid trip I had several months back. Since that trip, I had a strange sense of constant underlying anxiety, and a sense that my ego had grown into something more negative and controlling of my consciousness... this was what I was looking and hoping to fix while here. It still just hadn't happened.
4) The Fourth Experience
The fourth and last ceremony was led not by the shaman, but by his son. It was back at the original "home lodge", in the same ceremony hut that our first ceremony was conducted in. The process stated as usual. I was the last to go this time.
As I went up and drank the cup, it had to be at least 10x as bitter as any of the other brews I had consumed in the past week. Pieces of leaf and root bark actually went into my mouth and were swallowed along with the brew itself. This told me that this last and final night, may just be the one I was looking for.
I washed it down with some Guayusa as usual, and took my seat back on my bench. It didn't take long for the effects to begin. The same familiar effects appeared at first; the relaxation, the color brightening, the mind "opening", the increased awareness. Then came the visual noise, yet this all progressed very fast, much faster than the previous nights. I felt my stomach gurgling. I closed my eyes and felt a strange force gesture for my body to lay down. I don't know how much longer it took, but not long at all. Within what felt like minutes, my soul seemed to have left my body. I was aware of my body, but my mind and soul felt no longer directly connected to it in the typical sense. I was visually transported to a dimension of what could only be described as pure energy. It was mostly yellow, with streaks of blue and indigo. It somewhat resembled the Star Trek Enterprise attaining warp speed. Except this was me, my consciousness, in a warp speed of yellow, pure energy, flying through it all. The shaman for the night guided us with chants and mantras that, although not in English, had a magical quality about them hard to describe. I had no control over where I went in my visions, so I just let them take me. I didn't know what it was or what to make of it, and I wondered if I should be afraid. I don't know if it was the Mother, or just myself responding, but I then immediately realized I felt no fear. As far gone as I was, I felt 0 fear. In the state I was in, and where I felt my soul was going, I had every reason to be terrified, but I wasn't. I think I realized why... it was because I was so far gone, that there was no point in being afraid. It is was pointless to even bother to experience fear in the place as I now was simply so far gone. To make any effort to resist would have been futile, and I'm sure my subconscious recognized this. I knew this was as strong as things could possibly get, and I was immediately satisfied. I didn't know what else to expect. There were no revelations here however, just an experience and oneness with pure energy. Moving energy that was constantly shifting and folding like a roller coaster. At one point, I felt as though I were being taken through the human anatomy, as if I were being shown some sort of design, though I didn't know why or what it meant. Some of my comrades had spoken of their previous revelations on Aya of recognizing God being Love, another of God being Presence, or the moment of infinite Now, or just existence itself, being God.
This led me to question God myself as well. So I tried asking the Mother this. That made me think of the concept of Mother herself. If the Mother was the all-knowing, all-seeing, that would mean God is female. But logically I had to conclude it was neither, because if God is the All then there can be no gender prescribed to God. God must include both male and female. Wait... was this a test? A test of what? What would happen if I passed? I had always concluded that God is simply the All, and All is in the All, while the All is in All. The mother was part of what makes us all, watching us, guiding us, with her eye, that oh so recognizable Egyptian eye which had now appeared again! And how now knowing that the eye is within us at all times. This could be the third eye as in Indian scripture perhaps. Just as in the same way that the universe, or multiverse, is made of atoms, and each atom may itself be yet another multiverse, and infinity exists within each of them, with a microsecond and infinity occurring simultaneously, with no difference between them. The other, which included All, was the teacher, the caregiver, and suddenly I understood it as it was, with no other explanation necessary. My only question then at that point was if that was the Mother, then what of the Father? Perhaps Iboga is the father... but that I concluded would be a hypothesis that would need to be tested another time. No time for speculating that now. Or was there?
Because I realized now that time is infinite; but not simply infinite, but that every single present moment, the infinite present, was an infinity within itself, and non-linear, with infinite possibilities. Flying through the energy, which seemed to be slowing down a bit now, each part of my life then took on a different form - an insect, aliens, snakes, waves of fractal envelopes and sheet folds of color, each composing another event, or aspect or concept found within my life. The shamans chants, songs and mantras picked up. His performance was full of energy and very on point - quite a show - even if one was not on Ayahuasca, it would have been impressive. And then there wee those fucking barking tree frogs. All of this together brought me back to my first DMT trip, and how I had gotten
the sense that my life was "created" by me before my physical lf had even begun. Had I chosen my life before living here, in this world, with these choices I've made, that I will make? I had chosen the life to live and all of its experiences before even beginning to live. But it didn't matter or make a difference because it had already happened, and there was nothing I could do to change it. It is what it is. I had lived it before, chosen it before, an infinite amount of times, this life. But why? What was the reason? Was I missing something? Had I been going wrong this whole time? Should I be doing something else? What could I do to change this passage of life so as to end the endless cycle of my repeated chosen life? Was it meant to be ended? Did I want it to end? I didn't know the answers to these questions but felt I needed them so badly. I believe that maybe we are not meant to know the answers to these questions, because it is simply what the fabric of time and space is made of, knowing it would destroy its existence, and perhaps our very reason to exist is to experience the concept of existence itself. All of these thoughts scared me. The visual representations of these thoughts, feelings, events, people, places, things, concepts... all of it, terrified me. But I realized that really, there sould be nothing to be afraid of. Because all of these things; they are all one. They are the All. And that was it. And we were a part of it.
And after our temporary seemingly meaningless physical experience on this "plane" of existence, if you want to call it that, we return to it, as the source. The All. Past, present, future, all possibilities and all timelines, all concepts, everything as stated before. We will merge with it once again, and create in our own minds, an idea, that which will become our next experience, our next life. That being realized, there is no such thing as "death". It is only an illusion misunderstood due to the confines and sensory and perceptual limitations of our physical psyche.
Despite realizing all of this, I couldn't let go. I then came upon a creature. It was a strange creature, it had eyes... pure white round eyeballs, one bigger than the other, and it's body was made of a humanoid-esque contraption of levers and pulleys. I can still envision exactly what it looked like and what I saw. Metal tin cans for arms and forearms, levered by rubber pulleys. This was connected to a wooden plank, which was suspended where the creature's stomach would have been. Looking at this creature, I again realized, it was inside of me. The levers and pulleys were pulling up the wooden plank, and as it worked it's mechanisms, I felt it working inside of me. It wanted me to purge. It was trying to help push up the negative energy, that negative energy which was - my ego. I laid on my side, watching this creature, begging me to purge. All I had to do was sit up and grab the bucket, but I didn't move.
I asked, why? The mother responded "because you want to experience truth, and real truth is pure beauty." I then envisioned black tiles of reflective darkness cracking open between their grouts... as light shown through. I needed to purge to rid myself of my ego - my ego that which makes up my identity - my identity - based off of my fears, my anger, my addictions, all that which hold me back from experiencing the truth, the purity of life. Life as light that would shine through if only I could have the courage to let go - to purge it all out. I knew if I wanted to experience truth, beauty, I needed the courage and stength to purge through the discomfort, and I would know bliss, which I could then carry back into my life, and be free. True freedom. This is when I finally understood the purge, and what it all meant. Green neon snakes slithered up my arms, pulling my upwards, the Mother doing everything she could to help me rid myself of my ego, so I could be free and live a life of beautiful freedom - with all of my dreams coming true...
...But I couldn't do it. I realized... I wasn't ready. I found realization that, I had comfort in my ego. I relied on my ego for identity. My ego, my problems, were what I felt made me feel important. If I lost my negative qualities that I felt defined me so well, and that I regularly found so much comfort in, then who was I? I was consumed by and bound to the demons of my own ego, that which kept me separated from the All, creating isolation within myself from All that which could have saved me from what one would perceive as "hell on Earth". I knew the key to experiencing oneness with the source was separating myself from my ego. But I was myself. Am myself. I am my ego. So how could I separate myself from myself? I could have done it, and I should have done it. To this very second, I regret not purging that day. A tear fills my eye as I write this at this very momemt with such regret. And yet regret, there it is, my ego. I have chosen a life of egocentrism, a life of normalcy, a life that most do not even realize they are able to set themselves free from. I wasn't ready to move beyond the normalcy of the common human condition. I stayed. I stayed in myself, and I chose to not set myself free, because I was scared. Fear. Fear is what holds us back from fulfilling our potential in this life. Fear is what destroys lives, creates wars, causes famine, poverty, sickness, drama and all that which we as humans seem to feed off of like locusts. I could not set myself free that day, but I try to tell myself everyday, that I am now at least aware, and one step closer than I was before. I will return to the jungle, and I will face my fears again. I WILL conquer. When, I don't know. I suppose when I am ready. All I know is, next time, I MUST have the courage to purge when I am told. It took me every step of the way, and I chose to stop short of bliss. I chose this life now. And I feel it - I do. I know things would have been different. I may have made better decisions, I would have had a better outlook.
But no regrets at this point, what's done is done.
On a more physical note, choosing to not purge when told was physically a VERY BAD IDEA
At first it was okay, for the next hour or two. Despite not purging, and after departing from the pulley creature, I entered an incredible Avatar-like wrold of beautiful natural energy, in the forms of many strange forest creatures - alien frogs, humanoid insects, and landscapes of rivers, valleys, and enchanting passages that in my opinion, are impossible for the mind to just create on its own. I am convinced that Ayahuasca and DMT alike open the portal to somewhere else - wherever and whatever it may be.
It was the most beautiful world I had ever seen. I experienced glimpses of euphoric bliss - time capsules of oneness with all that created ecstasy beyond comprehension. But the refusal to purge eventually caught up with me. Eventually, I felt sick - VERY SICK. Very nauseous, and just "off". I knew it was from not purging, and it ruined the end of my experience this night. If you try Ayahuasca and are given the instruction by the Mother to purge, PURGE. Listen to her. Do not resist. No matter how afraid, do not let your fear hold you back, let go of your ego, and free yourself, or you will pay for it in the end.
The next day I felt okay, but strange, and still "off". For the next week or so, I kept getting dizzy spells and "electric shocks" in my brain, similar to the "electric shock" symptom of SSRI withdrawal. I am sure this was caused from not purging when I should have. It took quite awhile to feel normal again. One day, I vow to return and finish the journey that I started. I'm scared, but I feel it really it something that must be done. Unless I find another way to make-up for it, perhaps with Iboga or something, or some other sort of life experience. We shall see.
I also met the shaman's son's sister-in-law the last day who was pretty damn cute, and we kinda hit it off... though I left for home later that day (she called the taxi driver on my way to the airport to get my info and give me hers, and we still keep in touch... sometimes
Overall, a rough but great trip.
I know this was long, but I hope you all enjoyed it and found it informative. Please, I encrouage discussion and questions about this, as I am sure there is still information I left out.
Oh, and that guy with the dreads, he FINALLY tripped on that last night - HARD. He experienced pretty much the same as I did. He loved it, but yet, he held in his purge as well, and guess what... just as well regretted it.
DO NOT RESIST THE PURGE.
Also, by the way, 2 out of the 3 other guys who were there (including dreadlock man)... at some point in their trips, they saw themselves traveling across the astral plane, and randomly came across women they knew, personally... women who they hadn't spoken with in a very long time. They felt a connection with them during their vision, and decided they would contact them to catch up when they got back to civilization. Well, 2 days later, when we finally had access to computers again, they went on facebook to contact them, and BOTH found that the girls they had each thought of while on their Ayahuasca trips who they were going to contact, had ALREADY CONTACTED them, just that day or the day prior, stating how they had strange dreams of them just a few nights prior, which encouraged them to contact them... it was the same nights they saw them in their visions...
...Now what does that say?
DMT: The Spirit Molecule... certainly seems to raise more questions than it solves. We may never know the secrets of life or the universe, know why were here, or understand the possibilities of what lies beyond our scientific grasp, but we can certainly speculate, and it seems the psychedelics, especially DMT, may provide at least some insight... but we may never know.
Peace & Love
And I swear those fucking barking tree frogs... 8)
