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at what point did you realize you were an addict?

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squirrel_girl

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 2, 2017
Messages
53
or start calling yourself one/ admitting it. i dont understand what the difference between just really really liking drugs and being an addict is.

I hate being sober. i get high or drunk whenever i can. sometimes i blow things off to get high. does that mean i'm an addict? or can i do drugs everyday and just really like them?

i know it's probably a very personal answer that is different for everyone, but i'm curious about other people's experiences/ definitions.

(according to therapist/ whatever book she has for diagnosing things i am addicted to things but i dont feel like an addict and i dont like that word. i feel like if it was absolutely necessary then i could go a day without drugs, feel like it's still a choice to take them but i just wish i didn't want to)
 
I was an addict as early as 14, didn't realize it until I was sixteen when I tried to quit morphine cold turkey and was sick as a dog. It usually feels like a choice, but remember oftentimes it's a change in your brain chemistry, that want very easily turns into need for alot of people.
 
21. My life revolves around meth even though it nearly took my life away a few months back. As much as I deny it I only go on because theres more meth.to do
 
The first week, after I went through mild heroin withdrawal, and I really wanted to keep using but decided not to. That only lasted a few weeks, unfortunately :|
 
I think the need for labelling ones self or others as "addicts" is counter productive to recovery.
For me I fell into this trap where I would be like "f**k it, Im an addict, might as well keep drinking" to excuse or justify my continued use.

I think its really important to be able to recognize problematic drug use, as well as other escapist behaviours, and the need for change.
For me this was drinking. I first recognized an issue when I was 17 and I quit for well over a year.
However, Ive always had a thing with psychedelics and I continued to partake (not necessarily always in a healthy manner) during my abstinence from alcohol.
Then I met my previous partner and thus began another 13 years of alcohol use and I would say 10 years of abuse. My use of psychedelics (and others) ebbed and flowed during this time but none were problematic like alcohol.

Sometime a few years back I recognized the problematic use but didnt want to stop. At this time I began to label myself as an addict and would excuse my behaviour due to this, like I had no choice. But there is always a choice. And eventually I began to recognize that I wanted to be free from daily alcohol use, for a variety of reasons. But I still really enjoy psychedelics and continue to use them (and a bit of pot), in what I would consider a healthy (ish haha) manner.

For me this does not include daily use, of any substance. But for some people it does.
I feel like too often we get caught up on terms like addict and sober. I feel like we should focus on sustainability and balance instead.
 
OP, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it's a personal thing. Others can tell you you're an addict, but it's up to you to decide what to do with that information. I first realized I had an issue with drugs when I was around 21-22. It took me many more years to come around to accepting that I am an addict. I used to get caught up in the idea of being an addict, and what that meant, and actively try to run from that label.

I think there's a lot of cognitive distortion that goes along with terms like "addict" or "alcoholic". It feels safer to run with the lies we tell ourselves or to give ourselves permission to indulge in drugs because it's easier than facing reality and addressing what's actually going on, especially if it means giving ourselves undesirable labels. I still don't fully understand what it means to be an addict, but I don't need to have that understanding to get the help and support I need. I still struggle with the grievances, conflicts and resentments I have towards AA/NA, the program itself, the people in it, but I talk about that stuff with others and don't allow that noise to interrupt what I'm working towards, which is a healthy, fulfilling life without drugs.
 
I remember it very clearly. I started by chipping with heroin. To rationalize this and in an effort to avoid becoming addicted, I subjected myself to a variety of self-devised rules...e.g. no more than once every 2 weeks, no IV'ing, etc. I followed these rules carefully, and went along with my business for around 6 months, thinking I was fine (and indeed avoiding physical dependency).

The moment I realized I was addicted came when I was sitting in my office. I was looking at my calendar on the computer. Suddenly I realized that I had spent the last 30 minutes counting and re-counting how long it was until I was 'allowed' to use again (according to my rules).

It was a subtle thing. But at that moment I realized how strongly I was looking forward to that next time. I realized how disappointed/anxious I was that I still had 5 days to go. Went home that night and got super high...the first time I broke my rules and also the first time I used explicitly 'because of' something (my anxiety about the addiction issue).

Until that moment I had conflated addiction and physical dependency, brushing off the mental aspect of addiction as something I could simply power through via willpower.

In that moment I saw that the whole issue that gotten out from under me. I saw the drug was controlling me, not the other way around.
 
When I started taking pain pills (percs, roxies, etc) every single day, and then suddenly realizing the discomfort I was feeling was withdrawal.
 
The first time i took them, and the euphoria hit, i knew i wad hooked. 34 days clean today, after 4 years of use.
 
The first time I went into mild heroin withdrawal. I realized I couldn't quit and even worse I didn't want to quit. That was the head fuck about addiction to me. No matter how bad things got I never wanted to quit
 
Same here man, it's a hole that you fall into and it's hard to climb back out
 
I've been dependent on several different substances throughout life. Some I have kicked for good. Some still haunt me. To answer this question, I'll refer to my most recent demon, opiates/opioids.

I first realized I had a problem when I was taking credit card advances from the ATM to score, because I spent all my "regular" money.

I first realized I was physically addicted that first time I realized I was withdrawing. I had withdrawn before, but not really realized what was happening. But it clicked after a while. That was about 3 years ago. I'm currently on my second week of buprenorphine maintenance.
 
I realized I was truly addicted when I was waking up not feeling well and ready to do anything (not ANYTHING) to feel ok. Heroin is a motherfucker
 
It wasn't until years into opiate abuse that I made the realization. I had felt withdrawals before, but I'd always go back to chipping less to where I didn't get them (or nearly as severe). It wasn't until I got a true script thinking it would last me like 45-60 days easily. I mean, it was 175 pills ffs. Then I ran out in two weeks. That was the first sign, but "hey, I was just excited, I'll get it right next month". Fast forward six months to a year and I'm borrowing money and dropping sometimes $700+/week scoring from hookups I've found on top of my 150mg/day oxy habit. It was a really hard thing for me to accept. I still don't like it obviously, but you get tired of swimming upstream when you need to ride the current to safety.
 
about a month after i first smoked weed and i realized i had smoked it almost every single day and that first day and that I always wanted to be high on it. I vividly remember understanding what "monkey on your back" means at that point.

then about a decade later came opiates. i think the third or so time i ever got high on opioids was via IV
 
If I had to pinpoint a specific era, probably about 14 months after I started oxys and morphine, when I came to the realization that even the "good" decisions I was making were mostly just about making my opiate use more sustainable in the long run (like not selling my computer for drug money, not because that would be stupid in general terms, but specifically because it would make contacting hookups harder and mean I'd have less to do when I was sick - instead I sold a watch :/ ), since I had, at the time, absolutely no desire to live a life without opiates, so I figured I'd better find a way to stay in the running. This was, probably not coincidentally, around the same time I started shooting up.
 
When my daughter said to me that I wasn’t normal and that I should take my drugs. That was few years after getting dependant on opiatetes.
 
When people would ask me what I do, and the only real answer was 'drugs,' and being perfectly happy with that.
 
I still can't admit that I may be an addict. I rationalise my bad habits that are slowly destroying my life by telling myself that I'm simply self medicating my mental health problems.
 
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