At a loss

[jjjttt]

I am a female in my early 30s. I have lived the majority of my life trying to figure out my purpose. I grew up sheltered and spoiled. To this day I do not know what to do with myself. I’ve been a lone wolf for most of my life. I have no kids and no career to speak of.

I am in a relationship with a man that I met online. We’ve been together Over two years. We did meth heavily and fucked our lives off for the majority of our relationship. Some recent legal trouble has forced him to get sober after using for over 20 years (he is in his late 30s). I am trying my best to be a supporting and loving girlfriend.. I cook and I clean and I do whatever else I can to make myself useful. I spent 4 months in jail after a bench warrant caught up with me a Year ago. I was a regular heavy user for 4 years until my arrest. For two weeks after my release I tried to stay sober. I found God and I still communicate with him every day. My SO just wasn’t ready to do the same at that time and I fell back into my old habits for a year, roughly. Now the tables have turned.

He got a good job and is making all the right choices and his life has taken a turn for the better. I took care of him and his young son for nearly two years making easy money as a working girl. I realize now that we both were just in the throes of addiction. Now the pressure is on me to make an honest living and make the right choices.

I won’t give up on this relationship. I Iove this man to death, and he loves me just the same. We both have hurt each other and done things we regret. I know it would be easier to start over with someone new but I also know things that come easy usually aren’t worth a damn.

I can’t get clean. I want to, I know it’s what has to happen, but it is getting harder and harder to maintain sobriety. My relapses are becoming more and more frequent. I can’t be open about my relapses to my SO because that jeopardizes my SO’s sobriety. The last time I admitted to relapsing he threatened to leave. He tells me I keep relapsing because I have no respect for him, because I love the drug more than him, but he was in my shoes not long ago. I feel alone and misunderstood. I try to quit but eventually my urge to escape the pressure gets the best of me. I hate living a double life. I hate having to lie and pretend. I feel a lot of frustration and shame and confusion and I don’t know what to do anymore. So I decided to reach out on these forums. Thanks for reading

 

[ions]

There are intoxicants that are less detrimental than the ones you don't mention.

If you want, you could try contacting a social worker about sober housing. But it may not be better or worse just kind of a parallel move. A social worker could help, or they could make it worse depending how you fall into the system. So that's probably a bad idea unless you need to be clean.

I've seen some turn to hard drugs when all they wanted was a bag of weed. It's difficult, so chin up. You're still here. Brighter days are sure to come.

 

[jjjttt]

There are intoxicants that are less detrimental than the ones you don't mention.

If you want, you could try contacting a social worker about sober housing. But it may not be better or worse just kind of a parallel move. A social worker could help, or they could make it worse depending how you fall into the system. So that's probably a bad idea unless you need to be clean.

I've seen some turn to hard drugs when all they wanted was a bag of weed. It's difficult, so chin up. You're still here. Brighter days are sure to come.

Thanks. I’ll try to stay positive. I am looking into therapy. It just feels like I am neglecting my own recovery to support someone else’s. The idea of taking a break to sort things out scares me, but nothing else has worked so far.

 

[ions]

If you're trying to be clean off addiction, MAPS is studying ibogaine and ayahuasca treatments for an opiate addiction. They're fairly effective, but also difficult to come across and difficult in their own regard. You're still at an age where you can build strength through family. Love has a way of finding you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Fuck Him if he doesn’t support you getting clean he doesn’t love you the same way you love him. And the fact his patronage and insulting comments are only projections that he can’t get high and he’s mad you can. Let him leave and focus on yourself

 

[jjjttt]

Fuck Him if he doesn’t support you getting clean he doesn’t love you the same way you love him. And the fact his patronage and insulting comments are only projections that he can’t get high and he’s mad you can. Let him leave and focus on yourself

He’s not as supportive as I would like him to be, but that goes both ways. I think we both need things the other person simply can’t provide until they have had more time to heal. Not only that, but once your partner gets sober it’s like you are starting a relationship all over again from the beginning with someone new... Which is both a blessing and a curse

 

[Jabberwocky]

He’s not as supportive as I would like him to be, but that goes both ways. I think we both need things the other person simply can’t provide until they have had more time to heal. Not only that, but once your partner gets sober it’s like you are starting a relationship all over again from the beginning with someone new... Which is both a blessing and a curse

I’m you and you’re boyfriend is my girlfriend in my relationship. I know where you’re heads at. I can’t seem to stay sober for longer then a year. I think it’s important you don’t use though, or tolerate anyone belittling your disease. It’s a discipline thing I understand and when a person gets sober they get super vigilant so I can’t say anything but to voice to him that it doesn’t make things better when he doesn’t support you. But you also gotta get clean. One way or another on your feet or in a box you’ll get clean. It’s both of your choices.

 

[jjjttt]

I’m you and you’re boyfriend is my girlfriend in my relationship. I know where you’re heads at. I can’t seem to stay sober for longer then a year. I think it’s important you don’t use though, or tolerate anyone belittling your disease. It’s a discipline thing I understand and when a person gets sober they get super vigilant so I can’t say anything but to voice to him that it doesn’t make things better when he doesn’t support you. But you also gotta get clean. One way or another on your feet or in a box you’ll get clean. It’s both of your choices.

Staying clean is the key. I can’t keep making excuses. Thank you for the reassurance. God bless and best of luck to you on your journey.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Staying clean is the key. I can’t keep making excuses. Thank you for the reassurance. God bless and best of luck to you on your journey.

You’ll make it give it to Him. But you have to surrender it all, and sometimes that means the person you love. I love my girlfriend but me and her are no good for each other. She’s like my father. She works her stress and buries it. I bury mine in a different way. You can complain, and think on it. But that’s wasted time. Write a plan on paper. What do you want for yourself. Or if you wanna use your mind and then draw the blueprint. Maybe pre write feelings to SO, about how his actions hurt you. If it’s not received with compassion and the love God would give a prodigal son then it’s not for you. Jesus is with you, please don’t look for me as an example only someone that knows he’s a POS and knows that the only time I was happy was when I gave it all to Him. Sometimes that means moving out of everything you’ve ever known in my case, sometimes it’s just talking to your SO about your feelings and figuring out each other’s needs. I’ve tried with mine several times, and it only leads me to use and it isn’t her fault it’s mine because I haven’t taken time for myself to love myself. And maybe your SO is like mine they haven’t taken time to love themselves. God has plans to prosper not harm you, but you gotta jump off the cliff with faith He will catch you or fall back from the picnic table at camp if that’s a better analogy. You are worthy of love and sobriety. And I will be praying for you.