At a crucial impasse with myself

[xenothales]

Hello all. I've been browsing BL since 2012 and decided to sign up since I really need some specific help.
I have been using/abusing drugs since I was first prescribed Adderall at the age of 14 for ADHD. I joined the Marines (US) after scraping by high school. I thought I was just lazy; defective. I thought the Marines might cure that defect. I was separated from the Marines after 2 years and 5 months for alcohol-related misconduct (like tardiness). I have spent the last 7 years since then trying to stay sober and attain a college degree. I have barely attained an Associate's in that time, which speaks to my success at staying sober. In the last 7 years I have tried everything except Ayahuasca, Ketamine, and DMT (of the drugs that are talked about). I am 2 years sober, active in my local AA, finally service-connected for Major Depressive Disorder with Alcoholism (secondary), and in great physical shape. I am 28 years old and often feel intense dread, loneliness, and apathy. After the Marine Corps, I made a pact that I would never kill myself. I am convinced this life is beautiful and worthwhile. I have seen it. But then I have these moods out of nowhere and I cannot self-medicate anymore. It's driving me fucking insane. I need a reset and don't know how to do it sober. If you've made it this far then perhaps you want to help the person in this story. Or perhaps you are laughing at me. Either way, I'd appreciate some advice.

Here is where I'm at:

• I was prescribed Baclofen (low dose) which I stopped taking about 4 months ago because it caused sleep paralysis, imbecility, and led to a pinched nerve (or something) that caused SEVERE and constant pain in my right arm
• I take 150mg Wellbutrin in the AM once daily (extended release)
• I am going to ask my psych to be put on 200mg of Modafinil once daily
• I am having trouble reading, retaining, and solving my trigonometry homework (it's like goldfish memory/attention)
• I have recently come off ~2 grams Kratom daily for 2 months (greatly improved mood, but was taking it primarily so I could sleep with the aforementioned arm pain- then noticed I was still taking it after pain had subsided and freaked out because I thought I'd become addicted so I stopped)
• NOTE: the Wellbutrin helps with my depression but appears to be worsening my ADHD (emphasis on the A) and I matched with it using GeneSite.
• NOTE: I take 600 mg of N-Acetyl Cysteine and normal dose of Mushroom complex (Lion's Mane, Cordyceps, and something else) in AM
• NOTE: I smoked Newports for years but now I vape 3mg nic (going on 10 months)
• NOTE: Whim-Hof breathing and hot yoga are two things that help relieve my anxiety temporarily. They are not long-term solutions to my current problem.

I need help. I'm really making a go at being sober but I can't function. My mind feels miles away. I wake up feeling like there is lead in my blood and my body is mildly rigor mortis (cramped/stiff).
If you need more info please feel free to ask. For example, I had a good upbringing (minus being prescribed crack-pills at 14).

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Great post and welcome to Bluelight. This isn't going to get much traction here so I am going to move it over to Health and Recovery which is a very busy sub forum.

Your intro post deserves some good support.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Welcome.

Is your main goal being able to overcome ADHD symptons and complete school without relapsing or relying on stimulants?

 

[G_Chem]

Hey man,

I notice you speak a lot in AA terms, you keep talking about wanting to do it the “sober” way then list off all the “approved drugs” that you are on. As someone that grew up around AA, it’s more or less a joke to me. They really just bend to what our government has said to us are drugs we can use.

Wellbutrin is a substituted cathinone that you are consuming daily, you also still smoke nicotine, just got off baclofen and kratom, and want to get on modafinil. These are all drugs.

I point all this out not to shame you, but to show you the fallacy of the AA ideology. Most everyone there is lying to themselves in one way or another, as they drink a pot of coffee, smoke a pack of cigs and eat any pill they’re doctor gives them because that’s somehow sobriety in their eyes.

Your hurting because your trying to follow a failing system. I’ve said this many times, not a single one of the people in AA I knew as a kid is still sober. Including my two parents.. Every single person was either lying the whole time or eventually broke.

Now don’t feel bad if you need to take a break with medicines that have a record of success, like psychedelics. To me, a drug you need to only take once in awhile even if illegal is hell of a lot more sober than a drug you need daily.

-GC

 

[hjalmar]

In my experience, habitual use of stimulants, especially amphetamines & cathinones, are more likely to cause anxiety and depression than to cure it. And when I took modafinil, I was more anxious, and easily angered, especially in combination with caffeine.

 

[xenothales]

Hey man,

I notice you speak a lot in AA terms, you keep talking about wanting to do it the “sober” way then list off all the “approved drugs” that you are on. As someone that grew up around AA, it’s more or less a joke to me. They really just bend to what our government has said to us are drugs we can use.

Wellbutrin is a substituted cathinone that you are consuming daily, you also still smoke nicotine, just got off baclofen and kratom, and want to get on modafinil. These are all drugs.

I point all this out not to shame you, but to show you the fallacy of the AA ideology. Most everyone there is lying to themselves in one way or another, as they drink a pot of coffee, smoke a pack of cigs and eat any pill they’re doctor gives them because that’s somehow sobriety in their eyes.

Your hurting because your trying to follow a failing system. I’ve said this many times, not a single one of the people in AA I knew as a kid is still sober. Including my two parents.. Every single person was either lying the whole time or eventually broke.

Now don’t feel bad if you need to take a break with medicines that have a record of success, like psychedelics. To me, a drug you need to only take once in awhile even if illegal is hell of a lot more sober than a drug you need daily.

-GC

This is dead-on. There is a passage in the AA Big Book that stresses that we are not psychiatrists and can neither condemn nor condone other members' medications. I, sadly, need to remind people of this in and out of meetings at times. I agree very much with your opinion on taking drugs daily vs monthly/yearly. I would prefer to take LSD every so often than be on something that gives me electro-chemical brain shocks if I run out of my supply. I will say this though: I have an addictive personality and I have ruined many drugs through abuse. What does this mean? It means that I've tried to go back on amphetamines multiple times over the years with the notion that "it's not relapse because I need it for a mental condition which is biochemically based". It doesn't work. I lose self control on amphetamines now and after a few days of use I find myself reaching for CNS depressants. The sensation from amphetamines (that virility and love of life) has me taking more at night and missing much needed sleep.

Here are some things I'd like your opinion on because they are the basis of AA.
Is addiction genetic, biochemical, neurological, spiritual, or psychological (i.e. a personality disorder)?
Because if it is genetic, then I simply will never be able to drink alcohol in a controlled/healthy manner for what is likely to be the rest of my life.
If it is neurological, then the drugs I have abused (and the traumatizing behaviors I exhibited while on them) are so deeply engrained in my physical neurology that using them again will likely revert me to a mental stage in my life that is beyond dangerous.
What if it's a spiritual or psychological condition? Well, this can be fixed. Not easily, but it can be done. Twelve Step programs are actually guided ego deaths without the use of drugs. They purport to solve the personality issue of addiction. And with great effect, IME.

P.S. I ask all of this un-ironically. I am still learning about myself, my "conditions", and the general affliction of addiction.

 

[xenothales]

Welcome.

Is your main goal being able to overcome ADHD symptons and complete school without relapsing or relying on stimulants?

Yes, I would say that is the primary short-term goal. My main goal is to enjoy living again. My sense of humor and interest in certain hobbies has gradually returned but I am afflicted with an anxiety, bitterness, and irritation that I've never possessed and do not want (my ego wants it, obviously, as a sort of pain-memory response that helps keep it alive, but I don't want it).

 

[xenothales]

In my experience, habitual use of stimulants, especially amphetamines & cathinones, are more likely to cause anxiety and depression than to cure it. And when I took modafinil, I was more anxious, and easily angered, especially in combination with caffeine.

I do NOT want to be on Wellbutrin for more than a few years. I think long-term regular use of stimulants causes very serious neurological conditions like Alzheimers. It will come out in the wash in a few decades. I am merely treating the symptoms of my depression by using a stim. If I were not on a stim right now, I would have looked at your comment and immediately felt hopeless and become despondent, not replying to you and probably not returning to this site for a while due to a mix of bad experience and poor memory (depression causes me memory issues). Not that there is anything wrong with your comment, but that's really the point: without medication I was seeing mountains everywhere I looked. And I felt like I was walking/thinking in a dimension where air is actually molasses. So... everything felt like climbing mountains through molasses.

 

[G_Chem]

This is dead-on. There is a passage in the AA Big Book that stresses that we are not psychiatrists and can neither condemn nor condone other members' medications. I, sadly, need to remind people of this in and out of meetings at times. I agree very much with your opinion on taking drugs daily vs monthly/yearly. I would prefer to take LSD every so often than be on something that gives me electro-chemical brain shocks if I run out of my supply. I will say this though: I have an addictive personality and I have ruined many drugs through abuse. What does this mean? It means that I've tried to go back on amphetamines multiple times over the years with the notion that "it's not relapse because I need it for a mental condition which is biochemically based". It doesn't work. I lose self control on amphetamines now and after a few days of use I find myself reaching for CNS depressants. The sensation from amphetamines (that virility and love of life) has me taking more at night and missing much needed sleep.

Here are some things I'd like your opinion on because they are the basis of AA.
Is addiction genetic, biochemical, neurological, spiritual, or psychological (i.e. a personality disorder)?
Because if it is genetic, then I simply will never be able to drink alcohol in a controlled/healthy manner for what is likely to be the rest of my life.
If it is neurological, then the drugs I have abused (and the traumatizing behaviors I exhibited while on them) are so deeply engrained in my physical neurology that using them again will likely revert me to a mental stage in my life that is beyond dangerous.
What if it's a spiritual or psychological condition? Well, this can be fixed. Not easily, but it can be done. Twelve Step programs are actually guided ego deaths without the use of drugs. They purport to solve the personality issue of addiction. And with great effect, IME.

P.S. I ask all of this un-ironically. I am still learning about myself, my "conditions", and the general affliction of addiction.

I apologize I’m busy at the moment but will respond in full later. I was just thinking and remembered something very important many AA’ers will just ignore or deny… B.W. promoted LSD use for the stubborn addict that needed that extra push to get there. These days though you try bring that up in a meeting and see how it plays out.

Get back more tonight hopefully!

-GC