I’ve written several posts, but ended up deleting them out of some sort of fear or rejection, but if you don’t ask you won’t know.
I’m coming off a heroin run, but there’s much more to this story. Like many of us, I’m a deep thinker and I contemplate much of what the world has to offer and what I have in response to those often illusory offers.
Being in and out of recovery for several years, there is a dualistic nature to me. The clean and sober me and the me that is under the influence.
I can express that much of my using has been a coping apparatus for depression and then it became a mechanism to express myself artistically to the capacity I felt I couldn’t while clean.
Insecurity? Fear?
I’m a screenwriter and to be very frank, I’ve been abusing prescription amphetamines selfishly to dig into what I felt was where my real creativity lies. From what I hear from my friends, that is just defeating self-talk. That creativity is natural, I’m just literally tearing into my head to grab pieces of fragments that are always there. I’m also very compulsive in my actions, which in a way has been helpful.
I’m sincerely afraid that my artistic endeavors and my craft will dissipate when stopping my use. It’s a fearful place to be in. I have people waiting on my scripts and I have a phobia about even opening my stories.
This has placed me in a dark depression after abusing these drugs, I’m lethargic, frustrated, and a wreak about my future. Getting out of bed is a challenge.
My main thought is just to say the hell with it and just go at it sober now and see how if flows.
I have access to the amps, but it is destroying me and changing me into a different person. I’m on benzos, but they’re really a non-issue to me. As well as this, I’m on a cocktail of anti-depressants.
I never thought that Ritalin could be such a brain fuck. I think even after this heroin binge, the craving for those is even more intense.
I’d like to get any general feedback from artists using, in recovery, struggling, fighting this dualistic nature, coming to terms with any of this.
I’m really not seeking any negative or defeatist comments, just some possible hope or relief that what is in you will be in you, regardless of the drugs.
Thanks do much for reading.
I’m coming off a heroin run, but there’s much more to this story. Like many of us, I’m a deep thinker and I contemplate much of what the world has to offer and what I have in response to those often illusory offers.
Being in and out of recovery for several years, there is a dualistic nature to me. The clean and sober me and the me that is under the influence.
I can express that much of my using has been a coping apparatus for depression and then it became a mechanism to express myself artistically to the capacity I felt I couldn’t while clean.
Insecurity? Fear?
I’m a screenwriter and to be very frank, I’ve been abusing prescription amphetamines selfishly to dig into what I felt was where my real creativity lies. From what I hear from my friends, that is just defeating self-talk. That creativity is natural, I’m just literally tearing into my head to grab pieces of fragments that are always there. I’m also very compulsive in my actions, which in a way has been helpful.
I’m sincerely afraid that my artistic endeavors and my craft will dissipate when stopping my use. It’s a fearful place to be in. I have people waiting on my scripts and I have a phobia about even opening my stories.
This has placed me in a dark depression after abusing these drugs, I’m lethargic, frustrated, and a wreak about my future. Getting out of bed is a challenge.
My main thought is just to say the hell with it and just go at it sober now and see how if flows.
I have access to the amps, but it is destroying me and changing me into a different person. I’m on benzos, but they’re really a non-issue to me. As well as this, I’m on a cocktail of anti-depressants.
I never thought that Ritalin could be such a brain fuck. I think even after this heroin binge, the craving for those is even more intense.
I’d like to get any general feedback from artists using, in recovery, struggling, fighting this dualistic nature, coming to terms with any of this.
I’m really not seeking any negative or defeatist comments, just some possible hope or relief that what is in you will be in you, regardless of the drugs.
Thanks do much for reading.
