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Are you happy being a "loner" ?

If I'm alone for too long I lose my mind and if I'm around too many people for too long I lose my mind. Thats why I know I'm somewhere in between, but I'm prob close to middle cause I don't honestly know which way I'm like more. Call me an "omnivert".
 
used to socialize a lot, not so much now....

donnie080208 said:
over the last decade or so i have gradually cut myself off from close human relationships and im not sure if its part of a mental illness or just the way i am?
Ive never been a social man and seem to pick up on a "falseness" in many of the social , outgoing people ive met in my life. Do you think it is possible to be happy and a loner?
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When I turned 16 and started driving, I just HAD to go out partying every weekend. I hung out with people from several different social circles especially after I graduated from High school. Then when I got my 1st apartment, I hung out with friends almost every night, even though I had to work 5-6 days a week. It was SOOO important for me to find something to do with other people especially on weekends, and preferably a party to go to, that if i didnt find anyone to hang out with, I was extremely depressed, and felt as if my weekend was a bust.... Then, in my mid 20's, a lot of my friends either married, or moved away, and nobody wanted to 'hang out' anymore, so i felt like I had to meet new people, and I did. =D

But once I got into my early 30's, it wasnt so important to socialize so much, although I still did socialize some. But by late 30's and now in early 40's, I am a bit of a loner. I am not married, so that leads to a bit of loneliness, but i'm getting used to it(dont know if thats a good thing or bad?). I just saw a guy I used to hang out with back in like '85-'87, and he was 2 years older than me. He looked like he was now 15 years older than me, and it kind of made me feel old, even though I could easily pass for 30....

I guess you just change, and priorities become different as you get older....:|
 
izzy66 said:
i spent a lot of time alone when i was a little kid, lived way past the middle of nowhere. there wasn't another house for more than a mile. being alone never bothered me much, just the way it was...
i don't like crowds, don't like lots of voices, the smells, just the whole vibe is very uncomfortable. i do fine one on one but only for a limited period of time. if in the company of one person, w/in 72 hours i have to get away for alone time.
i feel sorry for people who can't handle being alone. it has to a huge disadvantage.
-izzy
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I'm convinced that part of my love of solitude comes from growing up in a rural area and without siblings. As a child I had to amuse myself and doing things on my own is still my preference.

And god help the person who interrupts my solitude! Or even worse, demeans it. I wasn't "just" reading a book or watching a movie, I was recharging my batteries and someone else's need for their social fix doesn't trump my own mental health needs. I'm not "glad for the interruption" - in fact I'll most likely resent it.

I'm also not a fan of people inviting themselves along to what I'm doing or inviting additional people to something I've arranged to do with someone specific. If I want company, I'll invite the specific people whose company I want.
 
A very good thread. A lot of the stuff said here resonates with me; especially the part about people who talk about themselves. I don't really like talking about myself, and I'd prefer topics of interest (other than sports) when I meet someone. I also like talking about other people, as long as they are thoughtful and able to relate themselves to our conversation.

I was an only child, and learned early how to keep myself occupied. Growing up, I never really cared for the politics, and looking back, I can see why a lot of the other kids saw me as an easy target. I was too comfortable outside the herd, and not quite extroverted enough to pull people toward me. I liked to wander around, explore stuff. I wasn't shy really, but nor was I reliant on others. I was a loner when it was easier to be alone.

When the teenage years came, I found myself like most kids -- struggling to fit in -- because at that point, it was no longer an option. If you were a loner in HS, you started to miss out on things. So I formed a small group of friends and made a lot of acquaintances, and for the most part was included in sports and parties, drugs and dating. I was a good looking kid, and I think people liked having me around.

After I discovered ecstasy and other hard drugs, I had a bit of a meltdown at 20. I became severely depersonalized and withdrawn. I started to gain weight and my hairline started receding early. I grew insecure about these things, and it was a while before I could screw my head back on. Somehow during that time, I found a girlfriend and we ran off to College together.

In College, I found a group of really nerdy friends 1st year and got excellent marks, but by 2nd year we had gone our separate ways and I found myself alone. I broke up with my girlfriend, I quit my DJ'ing and waiter jobs, and went to live with a family friend. It was during this time when I felt I really started to recover from my poly-drug use and get my life together. By 3rd year of College I was back in great shape, had some education and was ready to tackle the world.

Fast-forward 5 years and I'm back at school (A good University this time) and I'm currently playing sports and partying with those same old HS friends on the weekends. My girlfriend of 4 years takes care of the bills, and I have my needs taken care of. I'm able to pursue interests and keep active.. but over the past few years I've had a growing feeling of discontent.

A part of me is always crying out to really connect with someone. Every day I wish I was in love. Every day I look for someone to hopelessly devote myself to. I want to have kids and get a real job, and come home to a family I love more than anything, instead of a girlfriend/sugarmomma who loves me. That's the thing about an introvert. It's not supposed to be about me.
 
I can identify with a lot of this as well. Growing up I was pretty much an only child. I played video games and got into trading cards and just generally stuff that people consider "nerdy."

I don't know if I'm exactly a loner, but I definitely would rather be alone these days, most of the time. I guess I'm not really a loner by choice, but a combination of my drug use alienating me from the people I wanted to be around (friends, the love of my life as well), and my geographical location. I'm from Atlanta, I'm used to being around people even if I didn't want to be, but about a year before my serious drug use started I moved out to the middle of nowhere. I guess you could say "life-trauma" steered me to drugs.

I look at myself and my life now and it feels unreal... like I'm just floating along as an empty shell of what I used to be. When I seriously compare me right now to 3, 4 years ago, it's pitiful. I had 3-4 close friends, 4-5 people I would hang out with, a girlfriend who was seriously the love of my life... a real semblance of a social life. Fast forward a few years and I'm alone, with a girl I have absolutely no feelings for and whom I don't want to see, no real friends, only drug-connects.

I can only really draw it back to my drug use. And now, after trying to get clean time and time again and still struggling, turn my loneliness into fuel for my addiction. If I didn't do drugs, I wouldn't be lonely, and if I wasn't lonely, I wouldn't do drugs.

But all that to say, I'm not necessarily unhappy so long as I have my drugs.
 
My solitary nature is definetly not "normal" as i find virtually any social interaction draining and uncomfortable but like a few posters have said my faith in human nature has been seriously damaged. most people use and take advantage of their fellow man and a lot of these outgonig souls who speak all the time are false to the bone.
Anyway im virtually housebound these days and suffer from depersonsation and crippling depressions (so much for feeling great after giving up booze/drugs), i only seem to be moderately content if im alone. I hate to say it but people are scum, i hate them and in most ways myself. Being a loner is no way fashionable ime , its being alive but also dead. people are what makes life special but i just cant feel that way about life or humans any more.


^alcohol120.

Great post i agree and feel lots of the things you mention i also am a cynical shadow of my former self, who's lost something which will never return. seems hate does destroy the hater but i doubt my faith in people will ever return so i can be truly close to someone .
 
I am one of the most cynical bastards you will ever meet and i am far more jaded about life, people and everything else then i should be at my age. But there are good people out there man you just have to look. Maybe it is simply the way you percieve things and the way people act or it could be a side effect of giving up drugs and alcohol. Depression, anxiety and all that can make a person cut themselves off from the world.

I used to be alot less outgoing then i am due to severe anxiety and untreated depression. I would be quite content to sit in my room smoking ciggs, cannabis and listening to music all day. I didnt go out much at all for years and when i did i was racked with anxiety. Once i got my anxiety treated though i became a whole different person. These days i am usually very outgoing and i can chat up anyone. Years ago if i saw a really pretty woman i would never have the guts to chat her up but these days it's not a problem because i have the self confidence in myself to just get out there.

So you see there is even hope for the likes of me ;) . Have you ever talked to a mental health professional about this? If you havent i would suggest you do.
 
. "Have you ever talked to a mental health professional about this? If you havent i would suggest you do. "


Of course i have P.A., im currently on lamotrigine,mirtazepine,citralopam but i have a feeling no tablet a doc can give me will stop me wanting to be completely alone, i dont see or speak to people often a week at a time and if it wasnt for food, methadone, getting money etc i would see virtually no -one. I do get paranoid and have crippling anxiety but this alone isnt why im a loner.
Im not happy, im suicidal most of the time but i only see any future i may have: with me being a complete loner for life (through choice ), is it possible to attain HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT , while being a complete loner? ( a mentaly ill one or otherwise)
It might be my 24 hour, 15 year long depersonalisation causing this, i dont know anymore i lost feeling like myself ,many years ago now all i have is blunted, somewhat numb feeling. id give anything to feel love for someone again and have some feelings back, anything just 24 hours like i used to feel, then i die would be great
 
Mr_Fluffykins said:
fuck, having a social life sucks sometimes, ebcause i wanna stay in and do shit, and then people wannna go out and do shit, i wish i didn't live at home, then id just stay home all the time,
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I can't feel much sympathy for your position because you simply are failing to place your own wants above the expectations of your friends. You don't have to go out, you CAN stay in if you want to, so I don't see your dilemma...? Throw them a curve ball and say you're staying in, it doesn't seem like something that 'sucks' to me. For people in here it's either they simply DON'T want to see people or they lack the social skills and self-confidence to properly interact with others without it being an incredibly draining and painful experience. For me, I'm somewhere in the middle of not wanting to see people, and lacking skills/confidence. I'm 'OK' with socializing most of the time, I can fake friendliness (or sometimes even truly feel engaged with people), I can speak well and pick up on ways other people are feeling and what's right and wrong to say a lot of the time, but it's all still over-shadowed by self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. At the same time, I really don't have a good inner-attitude towards others, especially people I don't know, so meeting and actually getting close to new people is tough, and over all just not a priority of mine. I feel way more comfortable on my own, but at the same time I do long to spend time with the few people who I DO feel comfortable around and I would love to fall in love and have a meaningful relationship some day. So I'm not a true loner, I just limit my social interactions.
 
I think from reading many posts that obviously many self confessed loners are some how psychologically damaged (incl me). is there anyone who has recovered from mental health problems who are happy and then still choose to be a without any close relationships?
 
I used to crave human connection and thought of it as some holy grail which would make my life good in every aspect. I attributed most of my suicidal tendencies and depression etc to being alone and isolated from everyone despite trying everything to 'connect' with others.

I still clung to the idea that if only I could get that connection, that bond somehow, everything would turn out better. But for the past year or so I've lost that craving for understanding and human connection. It's surprising, because that used to be such a big part of nearly all of my conscious thinking in life so far and now it's simply not there anymore. I've gotten a lot of opportunities to get close to people the way I used to wish I could. I could have been close friends with people now, the way I used to idealise friendship and love as being, but it all seems so pointless and superficial now.

I fake to easily get along with others, even those who're close friends. I don't feel like wanting to 'open up' or to get understood by anyone else. It's like, I prefer being alone but I hate feeling lonely.. but I don't seem to have what it takes to be able to get close to anyone, to have friends. I don't even know what any kind of relationship is supposed to be like, family, friends or whatever. all interactions with other people are so mechanical.. lifeless, unsettling. :(
 
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@ somethings wrong "I don't even know what any kind of relationship is supposed to be like, family, friends or whatever. all interactions with other people are so mechanical.. lifeless, unsettling. "


So true man, ive allways had a perfect ideal of how a friend should be but allmost inevitabley, they dont mesure up to my expectations and let me down. I too go through the false social nicetys with people i meet rarely , if ever , connecting on a personal level . Everyone i meet seems to be wearing a mask and come accross as false and all ego, thats why i like flawed, troubled addicts so much.
 
I don't have any expectations from others now. To some extent I do but not enough to make me sad. Like, I don't expect anything more then what I give myself, and that's the bare minimum. I feel tired of talking, don't even care about having deep conversations about emotions or other heavy stuff anymore, much less any small talk.
 
My story is actually pretty similar to a bunch of yours. About 2 years ago (19 years old) I was a completely different person than I am now. I would get out of work, immediately call my group of close friends (which was about 15 people) and hang out with them EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Like someone else said, if I didn't see them or go to a party on the weekend, I would feel like the weekend was shot and just a huge waste. I was always excited to meet new people and spark up a blunt and talk life out with them, connecting on the highest levels.

Then, last summer, I endured a couple of terrifying psychedelic experiences and became someone entirely different. I now have a pretty annoying social phobia where I never feel 100% comfortable with the situations I'm in. I'm constantly worried about how others perceive me and generally think I'm not worth anyone's time. The part that hurts the most is that I don't even remember who I used to be. I don't remember how I used to feel or act or anything. Like I said, it's like I'm a completely different person now. So as you can guess this lead to me using opiates for almost every social situation I encounter. The only interactions I can bear without drugs are going to work (because I have to) and hanging out with a select couple of friends.

I definitely want to just hide away all the time and block everyone else out of my life, but I'm conscious of the fact that doing so will severely cripple the quality of life I experience. So I force myself to go out, try to force myself to interact with the same group of friends that I used to feel like family with, and hope for the best. I know longer feel that brotherly sense of connection with anybody (not even my siblings or parents), and it truly hurts. I miss the old me =(.

Man, that was depressing. I guess this is the punishment I get for fucking around with drugs =\. (wonders why he hasn't gone to a therapist yet)
 
Since the age of 18,I've lived with 7 different guys.All of them for years at a time.At every breakup I would find the next guy within two weeks.I've lived alone for over 5 years now and don't find myself interested by any guy.They all seem like too much of a pain to bother with.I have a few friends but don't spend as much time with them as they would like.

I have trouble speaking with people that have never had an addiction.I don't know what to talk about.With addicts it sucks to because I don't want to get drug urges.

I spend most of my time alone.It does keep me depressed.I just don't know what to do and I have no ambition.I,also,hate to spend any money because the economy has me freaked and I don't want to be homeless again.

I was so social when I was young.I don't know if it is mental illness (diagnosed bipolar) or the meds I'm on,I just don't have any motivation.I rarely clean or cook,so I'm eating like crap.

I'm going to be 54 next month.This life just feels like it is stretching out too long and not getting better.Apathy sucks.

I would like a perfect world where I meet a guy and fall in love and live happily ever after.Being I don't go out much the chance of that happening is slim to nil.
 
It really depends on if YOU are happy being a loner. I'm sure there have been many people perfectly content being isolated, while others might just be put into a position of solitude but would prefer to have social interactions. As far as my personal preference, I generally prefer to have company and like it most when it's a small, close group such as two - four close friends. That being followed by a little alone time. So I'm kinda in between. I like to have company here and there followed by some solitude. Moderation is key, my friends. Stay thirsty.
 
"I was so social when I was young.I don't know if it is mental illness (diagnosed bipolar) or the meds I'm on,I just don't have any motivation.I rarely clean or cook,so I'm eating like crap."


Yeah i guess a lot of its getting older but when you dont answer your phone or front door for years you know its not just that. I know what you mean with the addict thing as i doubt i could relate if someones not had an addiction but i dont want them to understand too much and enable or trigger/tempt me into using. Tbh i want to in a way , to meet the mirror image of myself personality wise (would it work ,doubt it) that way "we" could stay in all day together with the same interests, depressions etc
 
I've always been a loner. As a teenager it was hard for me to be social but by my twenties I was very social. I actually have lots of friends but lately I haven't been as interested in hanging out with them, I just don't find them as interesting as I used to. I'm going through some kind of change at the moment. I stopped drinking a year or more ago so that changed things but I've gradually realized I need to find some new friends because my old ones are boring to me. Most of them are either getting married or are just going nowhere. My work requires me to be social, I play in alot of bands and usually my best friends are the people I'm playing with the most at any given time. I'm fairly well connected in my city and know alot of people but socializing isn't as fun as it used to be. I think it's just a phase where I'm entering a new period and require extra alone time for the moment.

I think it's in my nature to be a loner but I do need that contact with people to stay sane. I'm definitely an Introvert but I have an Extroverted side that likes to come out to play every now and then.
 
I didnt even bother reading the rest of the posts only the first and i will say that i have lived in this city for at least 5 or 6 years and have made no friends at all.
I stay inside unless i need to go out somewhere like the doctors or to get scripts etc.
I have lived like a hobit almost my entire adult life and i prefer it that way.
Though of course there are the times ya get lonely or somewhat depressed ,but i guess that part of it .
I guess ya could say im borderline agoraphobic.
I cancel appointments and such if im not feeling up to going out etc.
But its nice after living with someone for years to be alone again with no one bitchin at ya etc ,lyin around in yer gotch relaxin and doind whatever ya want to do , when ya want to do it.....
Now if i got another gf things would obviously change abit again but fer now its nice once again to live alone.
I remember living in a little appartment on my owne when i was like 18 to 21 and never even said hi to the neibours at all i just lived my life in my little appartment and enjoyed gettin high and watchin the tube or listening to music whatever....
I guess to each there owne...
 
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