dopamimetic
Bluelighter
Dissociatives are really the only thing, besides opioid + dopaminergic, which are powerful enough to lift the dysthymia / depression I am experiencing all time when sober since early teenage years and particularly puberty. Was the time when I finally comprehended that I am not like the others and it's me who is wrong, not them - took longer for to realize that it wasnt my fault but my mothers schizophrenia and social support, het doctor etc knowing all but didnt do shit out of monetary reasons. Dropped out of school even when learning was pretty easy for me back then but I wanted to escape constant daily bullying, thought naively it would be the same in whatever group I'd go (like high school, work etc) and the best way to avoid that seemed to be to quit school.. Sigh, kids and logical thinking.
Became super depressed but even worse is the constant immer tension, nowadays I can't even relax in sleep as I will dream over and over of the same things in all possible and impossible ways, when staying sober for too long. Often enough I wake up screaming out loud, which adds to the social problematic.
Found out about dissos by coincidence when a peer told me you can buy DXM cough pills OTC and that they're more fun than drinking, so it became my first drug ever - and it hit hard, up to today the mood lift of NMDA antags remains the most impressive drug effect to me, just cause it is so real and feels so natural (probably cause it is, it isn't the direct effect of a substance but they push your mood towards the manic end of the scale but w/o the emotional flattening of eg. stimulants in higher doses). First I couldnt believe what I experienced but it burnt deep into memory and probably ever since I have some cravings when not on a disso / opioid. Overshoot the dose some times and got scared away but it never lasted and eventually I'd buy another box, or five of them..
I am somewhat lucky in that I am not susceptible to mania, only had one manic phase, this was from an accidental OD of 3-MeO-PCP and still not completely out of all.. But more problematic indeed are the mood swings. First I would get 3-5 days of blissful afterglow from a dose of DXM. With time this effect diminished and eventually became a depressive rebound / hangover, more pronounced with the ket analogues but I don't tolerate DXM anymore since I overdid it in combo with methylphenidate and developed sth like angina pectoris..
Sounds strange but somewhat the biggest Problem is insomnia. These ket analogues are stimulants on par with amphetamines, just wayy more relaxed but I could stay up for days (certainly 2-3 in a row) without feeling any tiredness when continuing to redose every few hours. This behaviour together with morphine triggered auditoral hallucinations at some point, thanks god did I recover almost fully, only some rare incidences directly before falling asleep remain (apparently the most critical period and even ppl w/o any psychotic experiences can get that some times) and I even tolerate dopaminergics and moderate doses of dissociatives again but it for sure has a pale aftertaste :censored:
Oh and when I finally managed to fall asleep, then I would wake up so super heavily depressed that it took all energy for just to get up and rail a line - almost instantly I'd ne fine again.
Somehow there are certainly worse things to be addicted to as dissos don't give you physical withdrawal, tolerance plateaus more or less at some point, and think an XR formula of eg DCK might be more sustainable for me than prescription stimulants..
... but in reality they will ban the good ones sooner or later, leaving K the only (not real) option, the required amounts are too physically taxing and redosing every 2h isnt compatible with society. It's about the coldest of them too.
I already stand in jail with one leg cause of mostly drug acquirance and possession related things and am on probation for the next years, will never drive legally a car again in Europe and certainly not get any immigration visa.. Lost much money this way, besides the not exactly small amount spent for RCs of which maybe 1/4 ended up seized or flushed by caring individuals....
Well, back to topic. Manic depressive mood swings. Read before from others who suspect that continued disso use leads to this sort of symptoms. Subjectively it feels like they give the mood lift almost for free, the rebound is partially avoidable and with a fixed, pre measured dose as in a nasal spray it is somewhat manageable to not overshoot it but needs much willpower..
Tried sodium valproate (felt horribly toxic after some time on 900mg), oxcarbazepine (worst headache ever and felt dark, gray and rainy), lamotrigine (nothing at all besides the fear of my skin falling off) and pregabalin (anxiolytic but very limiting). None of them brought any mood stabilization. Antipsychotics are all over pro-depressive, I don't get it who benefits from augmenting SSRI with eg quetiapine but ppl are different.. Antidepressants tend to be speedy and worsen impulsivity and easy anger, with the exception of venlafaxine. A strange one of which I feel the effects from the very first day when it should take some weeks. Tried paroxetine, es/citalopram, mirtazapine, sertraline, mianserin, bupropion, reboxetin without success.
Lithium sounds good on paper but am scared off renal toxicity and narrow dose window. Might try the orotate some day though but about full doses I didnt hear many good reports..
Recently read that lamotrigine limits the release of glutamate, so maybe this could be worth a second try but feels like big pharma just isnt for me...
Currently I am somewhat functional with a little morphine, memantine and venlafaxine but guess I won't find a doc scripting me the memantine.. and might need to add a sleep aid..
Tried the past 8 weeks to build down, morphine was surprisingly easy but after a few days things went haywire and developed almost like a psychotic depression....
Became super depressed but even worse is the constant immer tension, nowadays I can't even relax in sleep as I will dream over and over of the same things in all possible and impossible ways, when staying sober for too long. Often enough I wake up screaming out loud, which adds to the social problematic.
Found out about dissos by coincidence when a peer told me you can buy DXM cough pills OTC and that they're more fun than drinking, so it became my first drug ever - and it hit hard, up to today the mood lift of NMDA antags remains the most impressive drug effect to me, just cause it is so real and feels so natural (probably cause it is, it isn't the direct effect of a substance but they push your mood towards the manic end of the scale but w/o the emotional flattening of eg. stimulants in higher doses). First I couldnt believe what I experienced but it burnt deep into memory and probably ever since I have some cravings when not on a disso / opioid. Overshoot the dose some times and got scared away but it never lasted and eventually I'd buy another box, or five of them..
I am somewhat lucky in that I am not susceptible to mania, only had one manic phase, this was from an accidental OD of 3-MeO-PCP and still not completely out of all.. But more problematic indeed are the mood swings. First I would get 3-5 days of blissful afterglow from a dose of DXM. With time this effect diminished and eventually became a depressive rebound / hangover, more pronounced with the ket analogues but I don't tolerate DXM anymore since I overdid it in combo with methylphenidate and developed sth like angina pectoris..
Sounds strange but somewhat the biggest Problem is insomnia. These ket analogues are stimulants on par with amphetamines, just wayy more relaxed but I could stay up for days (certainly 2-3 in a row) without feeling any tiredness when continuing to redose every few hours. This behaviour together with morphine triggered auditoral hallucinations at some point, thanks god did I recover almost fully, only some rare incidences directly before falling asleep remain (apparently the most critical period and even ppl w/o any psychotic experiences can get that some times) and I even tolerate dopaminergics and moderate doses of dissociatives again but it for sure has a pale aftertaste :censored:
Oh and when I finally managed to fall asleep, then I would wake up so super heavily depressed that it took all energy for just to get up and rail a line - almost instantly I'd ne fine again.
Somehow there are certainly worse things to be addicted to as dissos don't give you physical withdrawal, tolerance plateaus more or less at some point, and think an XR formula of eg DCK might be more sustainable for me than prescription stimulants..
... but in reality they will ban the good ones sooner or later, leaving K the only (not real) option, the required amounts are too physically taxing and redosing every 2h isnt compatible with society. It's about the coldest of them too.
I already stand in jail with one leg cause of mostly drug acquirance and possession related things and am on probation for the next years, will never drive legally a car again in Europe and certainly not get any immigration visa.. Lost much money this way, besides the not exactly small amount spent for RCs of which maybe 1/4 ended up seized or flushed by caring individuals....
Well, back to topic. Manic depressive mood swings. Read before from others who suspect that continued disso use leads to this sort of symptoms. Subjectively it feels like they give the mood lift almost for free, the rebound is partially avoidable and with a fixed, pre measured dose as in a nasal spray it is somewhat manageable to not overshoot it but needs much willpower..
Tried sodium valproate (felt horribly toxic after some time on 900mg), oxcarbazepine (worst headache ever and felt dark, gray and rainy), lamotrigine (nothing at all besides the fear of my skin falling off) and pregabalin (anxiolytic but very limiting). None of them brought any mood stabilization. Antipsychotics are all over pro-depressive, I don't get it who benefits from augmenting SSRI with eg quetiapine but ppl are different.. Antidepressants tend to be speedy and worsen impulsivity and easy anger, with the exception of venlafaxine. A strange one of which I feel the effects from the very first day when it should take some weeks. Tried paroxetine, es/citalopram, mirtazapine, sertraline, mianserin, bupropion, reboxetin without success.
Lithium sounds good on paper but am scared off renal toxicity and narrow dose window. Might try the orotate some day though but about full doses I didnt hear many good reports..
Recently read that lamotrigine limits the release of glutamate, so maybe this could be worth a second try but feels like big pharma just isnt for me...
Currently I am somewhat functional with a little morphine, memantine and venlafaxine but guess I won't find a doc scripting me the memantine.. and might need to add a sleep aid..
Tried the past 8 weeks to build down, morphine was surprisingly easy but after a few days things went haywire and developed almost like a psychotic depression....
