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Approaching people in public

badfish45

badfish45

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 6, 2011
Messages
2,727
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The ocean of my head
Hey all

28M been single for about 3 years now. Mostly have been taking time to work on my mental health, strengthen relationships with friends/family and find new hobbies. I spend a lot of my time reading, gaming, training muay thai, producing music, skating and just being outside. I do like going out but am more inclined towards introversion. I do drink but not very often. Mostly just smoking weed a couple of times a month and periodically taking MDMA, LSD, 2cb and occassionaly ketamine.

Ive recently been wanting to put myself out more again. On one hand im pretty happy with my single life but cant deny that meeting another person in any capacity would be nice, as I definitely am someone who does well in a relationship, casual or serious, and I do get lonely at times.

Ive spent the past year working on going out more and talking to strangers. I try to get myself out to shows, skate parks, social events and occassionaly go to the barcade near me. Ive gotten better at talking to strangers and women im attracted to, its definitely resulted in a few new friendships. I try my best to just be authentic. I seem to still have trouble meeting people or getting women whos numbers/socials Ive gotten to follow up on dates. Im definitely not being overeager or overbearing with my communication over text (I generally keep texting pretty relaxed until Ive gotten to know someone better). I havent really met anyone through my direct social circle, and online dating has just mostly been a bust for me.

Im curious if anyone has any advice with how to be more productive with this aspect of my life. Talking with strangers definitely isnt my natural instinct and takes more motivation but I am able to do it, it just hasnt seemed to result in very much. I do get anxious with girls im attracted to but am generally able to still go through with talking to them. I try to be pretty true to myself and go to do things I personally have an interest in (such as going to metal, goth and electronic shows) but also try to put myself out there in new places too (such as a bar).

Im definitely not on some incel/redpill bullshit, and I do like myself quite a bit, this whole procees has just been getting frustrating and im curious what other peoples experiences here have been
 
I would honestly just not worry about it too much and keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you're doing all the right things, putting yourself out there, working on yourself, blahblah. It is just hard to meet people these days and quite honestly pick-up artist bullshit focus on game and "cold approach" and all that bullshit has damaged human culture and made it that much harder for all the normal guys who aren't cunts. IMO... You cannot really practice this stuff with an intention to meet someone for a relationship while maintaining authenticity, the way to get better approaching people in public is just to make an effort to be more social and approach more people, men and women, you cannot really make it specifically about meeting women without inadvertently being a bit of a cunt even if that is your preference, I mean I'll admit it's mine but I don't think about "how to get better at approaching women" anymore, it just happens organically as you become a more well rounded socially comfortable person. You actually sound a lot like me at 28 heh, I had also been single for 3 years, was doing almost the exact same things, minus the skating. Muay Thai is an awesome sport, keep that up, for me the psychological benefit was profound, obviously the physical benefit is huge too.

I also thought a lot about the same kinda stuff honestly though and I did experiment approaching women in random places but honestly it's just kinda cringe most of the time, no one wants to be bothered waiting for a train or whatever, I'm thinking of one of my more embarassing efforts. 😅

What I did also though was go to a lot of meetup groups (I used meetup.com at the time, probably there are others) to meet new people, I thought of it specifically as social practice, some of em were things I was actually interested in like activities or whatever, various sports, others were things like coffee chats or "Socially Awkward Conversations" or whatever bluntly named things where you literally just go to chat to people. Not really my favourite thing to do and some people will find the idea a bit cringe but, fuck them. I did make some friends from it (only women actually, dunno why, but there's a reason guys find it harder to make new friends as adults). Didn't end up dating any of them, personally I actually find online dating fine, as a guy you just gotta accept how human culture is right now and have the patience with the magnitude of rejections, being ignored, and such. The psychologically healthy approach is to go into it with zero expectations, and treat every first date like a hangout with a potential friend.

I get the being overeager texting thing you mentioned, I also used to worry about this, but in retrospect I think this was just me being hard on myself, if someone likes you they're not gonna be bothered by you being overeager over text (within reason obviously, definitely it surely is possible to scare someone off via text - however I doubt from the impression I get reading your post that this is what you're doing).

But yeah, just do things to socially challenge yourself where you'll be forced to interact with people. For me again the aforementioned meetups where people just meet to chat were more beneficial than activity-oriented meetups because you literally do just have to talk to people which for introverted types does not come naturally. I'll admit to doing a couple of really strange ones where you deliberately do embarassing shit like, I dunno, go up to a group of people looking really confused, ask what year it is, and then panic and run out of the building, christ that is a bit cringe to think about even now lol and I don't think I'd deliberately seek those ones out anymore but I am glad I did them.

Besides that though if I had to give advice to my 28 year old self besides some specific stuff not relevant at all to your question I'd say worry less and keep doing what you're doing... and maybe a little more of all the other stuff I just said. 😅

I know you don't need to be told this but as long as you stay away from the pathetic manosphere redpill bullshit you'll be fine, and it's refreshing to see a post here asking this kinda question that isn't just dripping bitterness and resentment I must say, which is the only reason I add this to any cunts reading this who are into that shit.
 
I appreciate your response. I certainly have tried to not center my approaching strangers on women but on people in general, it has helped me make a few new guy friends and just be more open overall. I think my struggle with being more intent came when I went on a couple of pretty awesome dates with a girl and just never heard back. I was really bad at initiating and took things slow, and not hearing back was disappointing because physically and mentally it really seemed like we clicked. so I started to be hard on myself and was looking for better ways to express attraction to women. I know its me blaming myself for something out of my control but I think just being able to approach people im attracted to and move things forward to some degree has been helpful. Probably not quite what PUA's would consider "cold approach" but not being afraid to talk to random people I find attractive and at some point express interest.

I was doing meetup earlier last year, found a great cannabis yoga group but unfortunately it fell apart and the app has seemed pretty dead as of late. Might give it another go.

For online dating its honestly not the rejection that bothers me. I actually think I get a fair bit more matches than many guys do, Im pretty attractive and confident in my body, and have gotten my profile setup pretty good. I think its just the process of either me or the other party flaking on conversations, its hard for me to get interested in people Ive never met unless theyre exceptionally interesting or attractive. I know this is self defeating to some extent but im pretty protective of my peace and know what I want, so I tend to be a bit pickier with online dating. I was talking about this with my therapist earlier today and it confuses me too.

I think things not working out with that girl were disappointing simply because it felt rare, and I have yet to meet a person I was interested in where conversation and personality meshed so well. Its not to put her on a pedestal, its more that I knew it was what I was interested in instinctually before and while we hung out, and I just have yet for something to work out like that again.

Again I appreciate your response, I have a good image in my head of you running into buildings to ask people what year it is lol
 
I think what I take away most is getting out of the intention of a relationship and just meeting people. I do my best but it does sort of feel like a catch 22. Im just gettin exhausted going out places alone, I try to go out with friends but man being in your late 20s and single, your social life changes for sure and sometimes im all I got
 
Yeah... I feel you, all that stuff you mentioned does suck and is disheartening, feel like I can identify with pretty much all of it. Have had quite a few instances for sure of feeling like I really clicked with someone and then somehow it just fizzles with no explanation. Of course the explanation is always, they just weren't that into you, but that's always gonna be kinda unsatisfying. I dunno if it necessarily gets easier if you value authenticity and wearing your heart on your sleeve, so to speak, or if it even should get easier. The cunts of the world will say oh it's a numbers game you need to get out of the scarcity mindset, blahblahblah, but fuck that, I'd prefer not to get jaded about the value of human connection even if it means getting hurt when things don't work out.

Also on online dating, I actually made a decision recently to take a break from it to "protect my peace" also as you put it, I realised I was just kinda going through the motions, like it's a thing I've conditioned myself to believe I should do when I'm single, but after a few dates I cancelled last minute and then kinda beat myself up about I realised I just gotta work on myself for a while. Online dating definitely is a numbers game and you kinda have to be able to maintain a relentless optimism because yeah, there is a superficiality to it which is exhausting and right now I don't have the psychological energy to deal with that. Have been kinda going through something the last few years since the end of my last relationship I guess and some other stuff I won't bother going into and to be quite honest I could do with taking some of my own advice because I'm definitely less confident and outgoing than I was when I was doing all the stuff I just suggested to you. That's life though, there's ups and downs and all we can do is do our best and most importantly not become bitter and jaded about it.

It is a bit of a catch 22 for sure though, you think your social life has changed now, wait til you're in your mid thirties like me and a bunch of your old friends have started having kids and shit... 😅 I dunno, life is frustrating sometimes when it doesn't pan out in a picture-perfect movie kinda way even though we all know it almost never does for anyone, but again we all just gotta muddle through it and stay optimistic I think. It's not always possible of course but, you sound like you're on the right track, for what it's worth.
 
it is frustrating how, the less we try, the better it is. sort of backwards. but a lot of people have so much other things going on in their head and in their lives, that if someone comes up and is like "nice shoes, want to fuck?" , it would seem out of place. my advice is just sign up for activities that people go to for non dating purposes, then keep an open mind and as you said, dont anticipate it. naturally you will meet someone best fit for you if you are patient. being patient is hard, but think of how long youve been trying to have a relationship up until now. probably a long time right? now imagine you put that time into say, a hiking group, or a chess group, or some volunteering. im sure youd have a couple friendly phone numbers. and those friendly phone numbers have a higher conversion rate then do swiping or asking about someone shoes.
 
It helps to have a wingman. Or go out with a group.
Approaching sets by yourself is not very easy.
 
that could be a service. wingman service. charge $20 for 5 minute introduction support before he goes on to the next bar or walmart or whatever. we just validate everything you say, and some more subtle things.
 
there are meet ups for guys looking to sarge (pickup women).
social proof. group psychology. It makes it easier to talk to strangers.
 
I save a dog from a kennel right as the syringe was being filled w uthanesia, and I chew up mopane seeds that are found in elephant dung, and regurgitate my lunch, both for the local white herons and blue jays. it's not a really big deal. if you saw the way the birds look at you you'd do the same thing
 
ions said:
there are meet ups for guys looking to sarge (pickup women).
social proof. group psychology. It makes it easier to talk to strangers.
Click to expand...
"Sarge", LMFAO.

I will never consider anyone who uses PUA jargon to be a serious or credible person. I'm aware that groups like that do exist though, and they are sausagefests full of cringe, socially awkward losers. Nothing against social awkwardness, of course, just got something very against that particular approach to dealing with it. Just my NSHO. Lol sorry, I know, I know, I'm bringing the mood down here. 😂

OP - great to hear that man, hope it goes well.
 
awkward__silence said:
I save a dog from a kennel right as the syringe was being filled w uthanesia, and I chew up mopane seeds that are found in elephant dung, and regurgitate my lunch, both for the local white herons and blue jays. it's not a really big deal. if you saw the way the birds look at you you'd do the same thing
Click to expand...
Fuck yeah
they cant chew themself
 
ions said:
Sounds like an afc .
Click to expand...
Lol, had to Google that one. AFC = Average Frustrated Chump, for the unininitiated beta sadsacks here like myself. 😂 Don't think I really need to say anything I haven't already said... fuck it I'll say it again though. The manosphere is pathetic and you incel goblins are an embarrassment to men.
 
if you can master taking rejection , then that helps a lot. Get out there and try and make a play , if not before you know it 6 years have gone by and you havent had a partner or anything 💀
 
ah oh my god this guy about goblins is on something he sounds like toxic narcissistic ahh save me from this wrath and deliver me from evil
 
awkward__silence said:
ah oh my god this guy about goblins is on something he sounds like toxic narcissistic ahh save me from this wrath and deliver me from evil
Click to expand...
Can't say I'm the most proud of my last post, I should have just said nothing, I'll admit I just have a visceral emotional reaction to this BS manosphere PUA rhetoric which IMO is actively harmful to human society and something everyone should care about. Toxic evil narcissist though? You shouldn't throw around those terms lightly. Don't worry though I won't post in this thread again, seems like OP is doing alright and not much since then has been worth saying. I wish you health and happiness.
 
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