Mental Health Approaching one year sober, don't really feel that great...

[bennyZA]

Tomorrow I will be 1 year clean of all opiates and pretty much everything but weed and subs. I thought when I reached this milestone I would be excited as all hell. Instead I find my self reminiscing about the past. About how much fun I had, about how crazy those days were... in a good way. I miss how awesome opiates feel, I miss those "friends" I partied with, I miss staying up all night, I miss going to raves and clubs (too much temptation). Recently all my buddies from college came to my city and even though everyone came to visit, NO ONE ENDED UP HANGING OUT WITH ME They just met up with each other. I never go out anymore. The only time I stay up is because I can't sleep. I barely hang out with anyone anymore. I got clean cause I od'd and I'm starting to think I did it for my parents because I'm a good son and couldn't stand to see them see me like that.

After a whole year's gone by I'm asking myself if sobriety is really worth it. Life really isn't that fun without drugs....

 

[tripnotyzm]

Man you're a good person for feeling the need to change for your families sake.
Congratulations on the 1 year milestone.
Although you don't quite feel it now, this is a big deal.
If you had gone another whole year on the gear, there are chances you could have experienced more overdoses or even death.. Not to mention the fact that your life and soul would most probably be lying in pieces.
Don't let the heavy thoughts manipulate your mind.
You have achieved what a lot of people are desperate to achieve. You've broken an extremely fucked up spell, and although you don't feel too excited about this, you know you are safe healthy and on the mend. No matter what your mind is telling you, this is a great achievement.

 

[herbavore]

Benny, I too think that it is very admirable that you wanted to get sober to spare your parents. I know that there is a lot of dogma out there that says if you aren't doing it for yourself that it isn't really going to work or be real or whatever. I don't completely buy this as I don't see it as a dichotomy. We do things for other people as a way to be our higher selves. We are connected to those that love us through loving them. So I don't think that you "just" did it for your parents. I think that you stood tall and built your character within by doing it, in part, for them.

As far as not enjoying the sober life goes, that takes a lot of exploration. It is what everyone has to do no matter if they have had a drug problem or not. Drugs became a problem for you so before you start romanticizing them, maybe try to intentionally recall the down side. (Almost dying is definitely a down side.) I can still recall the fun I had on drugs, that time of life and those particular circumstances will never happen again. I don't regret the experience but I also am careful not to romanticize it. My life after drugs was rocky for a while but it was for everyone around me as well. We were all struggling to find our adult legs so to speak. Our culture does not provide very meaningful models for adulthood--mostly just materialistic and procreation crap TBH. But there is nothing stopping you from defining it yourself. I think a lot of drug takers are actually just natural "adrenaline junkies" and this world has so many opportunities to get the adrenaline flowing! Challenge yourself mentally and physically; push yourself way out of your comfort zone. You could look at it this way: identify what the drugs gave you. If they gave you a sense of adventure and surprise then find ways to get that back into your life. If they gave you permission to be more outgoing and free in your body then push yourself past your inner critic and free yourself to be that way a little more each day. Take a dance class LOL!

I think that there is no high in the world that can compare with the feeling that you are the driver in your own life. You hold the steering wheel. Not letting drugs, society or other people's opinions of you drive the car is the goal. It takes intention and perseverance but if you can see all those things as mere obstacles rather than giving your own natural-born power away to them, you are free. Congratulations on one year. Don't get discouraged. It took a lot of strength and compassion for both yourself and your family to get where you are. You should be really proud of that.

 

[ArtVandalay]

Hey Benny, I too have a year clean from opiates and am on suboxone. It's been a long, hard road to sobriety. Stop looking back at how much fun you used to have with your drug buddies and concentrate on making new friends and having new experiences. I had to force myself to go out even though I wanted to just stay home and chill. Eventually I started to enjoy going out. Now I have a core group of great sober friends. I'm dating an awesome girl who's supportive of my sobriety and has my back. Having tons of fun hanging with her friends. There's beer drinking going on but luckily I don't enjoy drinking so it's not a problem for me. Just give it some time, open yourself up to new people, you'll get through this!! (I had to cut off all my old drug buddies. Was hard but I'm so much better off.)

 

[bennyZA]

Thanks for the support Art... It's been definitely a hard year for me. I was super excited when it was over. I really proud of myself when I turned down drugs on several occasions. Even though I go to support groups, I have not been able to make a core group of sober friends. I'm also a very good friend. I get to know people very quickly, and I end up becoming a shoulder they can cry on very early in our "relationship." Since I've been sober, it's been really hard for me to make these connections. In my groups, I find it very difficult to meet girls especially (going a year without sex has been SO DIFFICULT). So going from a social animal to a "pariah" has been the biggest cause of my frustrations. I wish there was a dating site for people who live in the same area that are in treatment looking to meet friends (or more). I'd say that the social aspect has been the most difficult part of the sobriety thing. I am shunned at AA and NA for being "on" weed and subs.

Does it get better? As tripnot said:

If you had gone another whole year on the gear, there are chances you could have experienced more overdoses or even death

. Well, right now, I feel like the walking dead (no pun intended, seriously). I'm not depressed, I'm just... "blah." If that makes any sense. So the only reason death or overdoses are something I'm trying to avoid is because of my parents. They've given me everything (like the current room over my head), and then I go ahead and "take the easy road" out.

Another big problem with being sober is that I know - for a fact - that if I went back to living by my self, or with friends, I will relapsed immediately. The other day I told my mom this, and I told her that I'm still not ready to be independent and she was kinda concerned. She basically told me to get my shit together sooner rather than later.

Oh man, this is so shitty... If anyone has personal experience on how to become more social while sober, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Serotonin101]

for me 12 step meetings and meeting new people in college has helped quite a bit. sadly thats all I can offer :/

 

[bennyZA]

for me 12 step meetings and meeting new people in college has helped quite a bit. sadly thats all I can offer :/

I'm shunned from meetings cause 1, I don't have the time, and 2 they tell me not to come back 'till I stop smoking weed. Oh, and on the college front, I turned into an addict and heavy drug user while in college. Thanks though, I really appreciate the responses guys.

Again though, I'm just super lonely. It's almost impossible to meet girls in a normal setting because they consider you weird if you don't drink.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Get out and find some real chicks with respect.
Wherever you are hanging, they sound like jerks if they are that biased towards non drinkers.
Maybe you can get some excitement from life if you go exploring new places.. Beautiful, rich land. Go get in touch with nature or something. It can help man.

 

[Sepher]

You're in limbo at the moment aren't you Benny. You've stopped the drugs and cut yourself off from that circle and all those fun times with them are in the past ( cos lets face it, drugs can be a lot of fun, until they stop being fun that is ). How to get a new circle you can do fun stuff with sober so as not to keep hankering after the fun times of the past is definitely key here just as you realise. It's the social fun you miss, not the drugs themselves I think. The dating site for sober people probably doesn't exist but my local addiction unit has posters up all over the place for a social group that meets once or twice a week for those in recovery to do fun stuff that doesn't cost much money and doesn't revolve around pubs and clubs. They have an allotment they tend to on a weekend, they have days out in the country or trips to the coast, go to the cinema mid-week when it's two-for-one for tickets, things like that. OK, I'm maybe not selling the attractions here very well but the point is such groups might well exist near you too. There's definitely a call for them. Try your addiction unit, drug and alcohol services, or whatever your equivalent is where you are.

Far as meeting girls goes have you tried a gym? Lots of women in gyms, probably won't all find it weird that you don't drink all that much cos hey, they're health nuts! Probably find some guys to hang out with too. Will in all likelihood help with your mood and motivation too. Sounds like a win all round to me. I'm too lazy for treadmills and anything overly punishing so I climb at an indoor wall. Always feels good to shake out the tension and get the body working, and usually friendly places too. Common interest there to talk about, break down the social barriers. Come summer it's gonna be time to get back out on some real rock. Doesn't have to be either of those things for you, gym or climbing, so long as you can find something like that: a hobby you enjoy that has a social aspect to it. Go from there.

p.s. Massive congrats on the one year thing BTW. You should be super proud of yourself. Don't look back now, there is nothing there for you, trust me. Only forward. Onwards and upwards.

 

[RobotRipping]

i think i've been in a similar place before but my sobriety time was like 8 months. I was just not recovering like i thought i should be. On drugs i am an extrovert and off drugs an extreme introvert. So i struggle with the same issues, no social life, no friends, no connection or meaning in life. To change this you have to do as herb said and push yourself out of your comfort zone, that uncomfortable anxious feeling of being in a situation you have never been in is a rush in itself and after a while you will come to enjoy that challenge and the rewards that come from it. You could take up learning an instrument if you haven't already, commit yourself to furthering your education or seek out anything that interests you in this world, there are so many opportunities, i think drug addicts get tunnel vision and only see one path when there are an infinite amount of paths.

Another thing, do you work? I find the only way to find people is to meet them through work or school. It's near impossible to meet anyone worthy in other settings (except maybe the gym). The people i meet on the streets are usually junkies/alcoholics but there are plenty of people at school that don't do any drugs whatsoever.

The drinking thing sucks because drinking is so prevalent and common place in our society that people will think you're different or strange if you don't drink with them. I don't go out at all anymore for that reason, i just don't like alcohol and i miss a lot of social opportunities because of this but in the end, do i really want to be friends with people like that? no.

again as herb mentioned there's no greater feeling than having control of your life, for me it far outweighs the high i get from drugs, though i'm not drug free by any means i see the value in defining yourself and your reality. I still don't have any real friends but i've pushed myself way out of my comfort zone and have no regrets about doing so, it has improved my life dramatically. I used to be a junkie with no job just scraping by and now i am doing very well at school, making many acquaintances and possible future friends and have no financial concerns. Maybe your first goal should be to get on your feet again and move out of your parents place.

 

[buffalosoldier]

good vibes from the south mate!!
hold on and keep fighting

 

[fifleman]

Great experience above.

Benny:

Congratulations on the year away from opiates. I remember my first year without cocaine and was amazed at how quickly it had gone by as well as my ability to distance myself from something I loved so much.

I'm unsure as to how the term "sobriety" is being used. If you qualify for "refraining from excess" (dictionary.com), than it can be applied to your situation. My own personal definition for sobriety is "living through a clear mind". For me, I have to remove all intoxicants from my life as they have no purpose. The only effect is a state of unconsciousness in which I begin living in the delusion of my mind as opposed to experiencing reality which is life.

I completely relate to what you have said, but for the most part I'm not going to try to change through words how you feel. I want to throw out there what I feel is my problem and how I am solving it.

My problem is my mind. There are no other problems I have in my life except my own mind. From it stems all self-talk (positive and negative), all ideas, all stereotypes, all opinions, dreams, delusions, etc. All of this can be summed up as nonsensical, utter bullshit. My mind is so far off from the truth that sometimes I wish I could just blow it away with a gun and let my body live. This is my problem.

What has been helping me is the truth of reality. What I see is what I get. I make do with what there is in the moment. I read a lot into Buddhism and it emphasizes this simplicity. My mind still has an opinion on everything and thinks it is important (the ego), but as time moves along and as I consciously live in the truth of reality it begins to die. To die before I die is my life pursuit.

When I was using, my mind turned the most simple of situations into mind-bending, CIA top-clearance only scenarios. I couldn't figure out up from down and it was a great excuse to get drunk or high to shut it down. That no longer works for me.

I am a product of my mind. If life sucks, well, then it sucks. If it's good, then it's good. If I am a stupid one, then I am a stupid one. My goal is to eliminate all of this self-talk. Positive or negative it is all nonsense to me, but that is another topic. See, I am not stupid, I am not lonely, I am not discontent. If I am, it is because I believe I am and I am using my mind to gather reality to support my growing delusion. This is an amazing process that would've taken me to my death had I remained unconscious.

A year ago, I ended it with my girlfriend of six years. All I could focus on was me being lonely and everyone seems to be paired up by my age (25). My mind wouldn't allow for another thought. My mind's hidden agenda was to find reality that supported its' growing delusion. And, of course, it always does whether in this instance or the next. The obsession of the mind can be a very difficult trap to remove myself from.

The greatest thing is that I am not alone. I have me and I am greater than all others put together. I need no one. I am self-sustaining, self-sufficient, and coming into my own. I am rediscovering me. I am loving myself. When my mind tries to take me down a path of hidden-agendas, I jump right off of it and remember, "I am here, and I have me". Today, the thought of the ex with a new boyfriend (as is the reality) bothers me not an ounce. I am content to wish her the very best and want the very best I can muster with my decisions as well.

The mind can make you feel like a winner or a loser, a victim or a perpetrator, a God or a mortal. What I have to do is kill the mind, kill the ego, and find the middle road. I cannot sustain clear-minded living if I am all the way left or all the way right. If I continue to take this approach, things will always turn out difficult.

To come into a clear-minded sober state, I had to do what I wanted to do. I made a decision. I told myself "I am sick of how I have been living. If the booze doesn't go, I have to go." In my mind, this meant suicide. With this one life, I will not go out that way because I set my mind on fire with desires and now do not have the courage to face my own self. I let go of all ego and mind when it came to recovery. I attend AA meetings, a SMART Recovery meeting, have a personal counselor (for the time being), and hang out with numerous good people, sober or "normal" drinkers. That's how I have set up my recovery based activities. Outside of that, I lift, run, mountain bike, research cool places, play guitar, read, listen to music, write music, enjoy nature, watch documentaries, play PS3, make great coffee, make great tea, make good food, talk, help, meditate, sit, do nothing, smile, frown, get pissed, communicate effectively, become content. These are just things I do. They are in the cycle of life for me. I will be adding more when I can. This is life for me. Drinking and using was the tiniest grain of sand I could find, and I sold the world for it. I was so naive. Not anymore.

Don't sell life short. Life is more expansive and more detailed than any of us will ever know. But, we all have a solid block of time that we can do some really cool shit and discover ourselves in.

Lastly, you will walk whatever path you will walk. It is OK. Your actions in either sobriety or using will have reactions and this is how I learned. I thank my parents for bringing me into this world, but for right now that is all. We all must learn for this is where wisdom comes from. However, I am only wise if I choose to use my wisdom to make better choices in the future. Otherwise, wisdom just sits there like an unused Porsche.

There is no substitute for the real thing (experience in whatever). You will find your way.

 

[ArtVandalay]

Benny do you do any form of exercise? I strongly suggest you do. Once I started doing yoga and skateboarding regularly, I felt so much better. Get the endorphins flowing. Then you start looking better, feeling better, your confidence comes through, and chicks dig that man.

Also, maybe ease up on the weed. For me weed causes nothing but stress, anxiety, paranoia and depression nowadays so I stay away.

Stay busy, force yourself to get out in the world. Just do stuff. Trust me, if you start making these changes you will feel better. And if NA and AA aren't right for you, fuck it, don't go. But find some other type of group (yoga, church, take a class, whatever). Dude, there's a lot of hot girls at yoga

 

[bennyZA]

Thanks guys for all the advice, I really appreciate it.

Benny do you do any form of exercise? I strongly suggest you do.

I'm in hella pain cause I shattered my knee and both shoulders, already had 3 surgeries need 3 more I can't do any physical activity, not even a nice hike. That's how I got addicted in the first place, they prescribed me so much oxy and believed me when I exaggerated my pain cause it was kinda legit.

Also, maybe ease up on the weed.

I used to be a real, hardcore stoner. Nowadays I smoke once, maybe twice a week. I get nauseous from my meds, so it helps for that and helps with the pain. I'm pretty careful on not smoking if it affects my daily life; I budget it into my expenses, I don't get high if I have to do anything, etc.

I read a lot into Buddhism and it emphasizes this simplicity

But find some other type of group (yoga, church, take a class, whatever). Dude, there's a lot of hot girls at yoga

So good news... I just started to attend my local Buddhist temple on a regular basis, they have a group of 25-35 who do a lot of stuff together. It's been really cool. Met a lot of cool people, and by the very nature of Buddhism, these people are very accepting, kind, and just all around good people.

Oh, did I mention the girls are smokin hot

 

[Sepher]

So good news... I just started to attend my local Buddhist temple on a regular basis, they have a group of 25-35 who do a lot of stuff together. It's been really cool. Met a lot of cool people, and by the very nature of Buddhism, these people are very accepting, kind, and just all around good people.

Oh, did I mention the girls are smokin hot

Pffffft! Yeah, exactly what I was talking about. I tried yoga. It's like buddhist meditation but with more lycra. Ha! Sadly I was rubbish at it but there you go.

 

[bennyZA]

Yea man, it started with one group meditation, immediately was invited to several get togethers, now I got plans tomorrow to do some charity, some dharma classes, some sitting meditation. Real cool. There even is a program called Buddhism for those in recovery. I haven't been yet, but that sounds like the perfect place to go. No what's really cool is that one of the monks mentioned that I might benefit from a two week intensive residential practice. He said it's a great way to begin going down a different path. He also said that if I enjoy doing that, they have one of two work-study apprenticeships available beginning in April. I bring it up in the forum and boom some sorta god shows me the way... is bluelight the product of some god-like being?

 

[Sepher]

There's a very good ( by the look of it ) buddhist retreat near me I just missed out on on their last week long retreat towards the end of autumn. Gonna be spring before the next one but yeah, I'm very interested in doing that too. I think I would get a lot more out of something intensive and focussed like that, I'm a bit too lazy and irregular for weekly meetings, think it would definitely help kick start my practice in a more committed way. Let us know if you do it and how you found it, I'd be interested in your thoughts on it, for sure. And yeah, as a group of people to have in your life buddhists are a pretty cool one to have. Every buddhist I've ever come across has got it as far as what it means to be human goes. Infinite compassion and all that, all of us are flawed individuals seeking relief from suffering and worthy of help!

 

[bennyZA]

Visiting the temple was an eye opening experience for me. When I looked at the teacher, with his permanent - genuine - smile and dedication to his students... All I could think of was "I want to be that guy." I don't know... I had/have some really rough life issues going for me right now, and ever since the last few days at the temple, I've looked at this whole lifestyle switch in a new way. I don't want to say "I found god" because I am a devout atheist, but I found a group of people - with a like minded philosophy - that's goal is to increase positive vibes without doing any harm. While still being cool, of course

 

[neversickanymore]

You will need to get off all of it for it to happn.. How does Buprenorphine work in the brain?

Opioids attach to receptors in the brain, with three main effects; reduced respiration, euphoria, decreased pain. The more opioids ingested the more of an effect. The process of opioids binding to the opioid receptors can be thought of as a mechanical union, the better the fit the more the opioid effect. Buprenorphine is different. It too binds to the receptors, however, without a perfect fit. As a result the Buprenorphine tends to occupy the receptors without all of the opioid effects. The receptor is tricked into thinking it has been satisfied with opioids without producing strong feelings of euphoria, and without causing significant respiratory depression. This, in turn, prevents that receptor from joining with full opioids; therefore if the patient uses heroin or painkillers, they are unlikely to experience additional effect. Buprenorphine tends to stay with the receptors, blocking them, much longer then opioids do. This stickiness, is what makes Buprenorphine last so long, up to 3 days.


The problem is with sub as well as weed is that they both bind and interact with with the unnatural number of opiate receptors you have turned on in your brain from previous use. With complete abstinence from opiates and grass these will turn themselves off starting a little before month five and continue to shut down through month seven. This shut down cleared that massive head fog, that had been there so long I thought it was normal, to get 300% better overnight.

As far as missing people places and things, you need to create a new life, everything you used to get out of the drug lifestyle you can get in recovery, just takes time and effort.


Congratulations on how what you have accomplished so far!

 

[embers_fading]

Tomorrow I will be 1 year clean of all opiates and pretty much everything but weed and subs.

You haven't really been clean then, if you're still using weed. If you're in a sub program, OK, that's treatment, I can understand, but if you're using weed, well, you're using drugs and you haven't been "clean".

After a whole year's gone by I'm asking myself if sobriety is really worth it. Life really isn't that fun without drugs....

You've still had drugs in your life, though (weed).

Maybe you should try completely discontinuing the drug use in your life and see how you feel within a year. You're going to have to replace your drug use with other, non-drug, positive and healthy habits, though.