Approach to life: Are you a victim?

[lostNfound]

^ Yeah same. I probably whinge a lot, but only 'cause I think life in general is shit, not because I want sympathy.

didnt know you were a fan of christian punk magnifiedXplaidX

EMO fits with being a victim, yeh?

 

[lostpunk5545]

^ I would rather reach into my throat and tear at everything I find American Psycho style than listen to MXPX. But I'll admit it is a catchy album title

Gone the way of the buffalo is quite a good title too...

Emo is being a victim exemplified:

"hahahaha i've been told emo songs are deep, which translates into really weak!!!!! all they ever do is cry, did something get caught in their eyes? i just can't understand it all, even i don't always bawl.. boohoohoo.. my girlfriend dumped me and i'm really really hurt..."

- Anti-Flag

I wouldn't say personally that I go out and always make things happen in my life. But I don't really take a back seat in issues pertaining to me either...

 

[Pop Popavich]

You fail to see that women are a total different make over. Who says we aren't sorting out our issues while we bash all our crap at ur ear. In fact, I can honestly say, we probably are.

I don't think this is a Male vs Female thing at all. Everyone approaches their problems differently, and everyone has different ways of resolving them. As I said I'm fine with people talking to me about their problems, I'm aware that this is how a lot of people sort things out in their own head (and I think trying to explain something to someone can be a very effective method of getting it straight in your own head), and I don't see discussing your problems as being a victim.

What I mean is when peoples whole perspective of the situation is that everything just happened to them, like they had no control over it, and now they are just left with the crap at the end. If you are involved in a situation you do have some control, you have options.... even if it only the option to view it in a certain way.

The reason I used my ex as an example was because a lot of the time she didn't want a solution to her problems, she didn't feel the need to resolve anything or feel in control, she wanted justification to feel hardly done by. Thats the bit I don't understand. Feeling like you've been victimised isn't pleasant, why not take steps to avoid feeling like that rather that seeking reasons to affirm your position?

I've never considered myself a victim, even when I was a victim :D

Thats exactly the point I'm getting at. There is inevitably going to be situations beyond your control where something shitty happens to you. But it's the attitude you face that adversity with that I believe sets people apart. The difference is between people who look at a crap situation and say "I can't believe that happened to me" instead of "Wow that was crap, how can I make sure that doesn't happen again"

My idea of a victim differs very much from what people have written here. I was more thinking the emotional vampire (kudos to gleep for the term) who regularly, and to as many people as possible, act offended, hurt (victimized) etc. and then subsequently receive the attention they crave. When all is complete, they then find another issue upon which to complain and bleed you of your kindness.

Well put. I don't think it's always a concious thing (although I've had people in my life for whom this was a regular form of manipulation). I don't believe for instance that my ex conciously set out to drain emotion or sympathy, but thats exactly what she did. Surely if you find yourself getting repeatedly hurt by similar situations you would learn from that. *Hamster 1 - Bart 0*

Thanks for the great replies so far guys, keep em coming. I'm interested to hear everyone perspectives on this, because I think everyone will have people like this in their lives at some point.

 

[endlesseulogy]

This is a very good question.. I think about this one alot and the short answer is, i believe you are in control of everything.. The human mind is capable of whatever it wants so when someone is sad or angry and playing the victim, they are doing this for some sort of conscious or sub-conscious motive. Im not saying its wrong or bad to do is, it just is.. We all do it.. but, we have the power to not play the victim, its just we very rarely come into contact with this power... I came up with this little saying awhile back in regards to this question.. it goes as follows :

"You control your own mind.. You make the world evil.. you make the world heaven.. you are responsible for everything.. you control you.. nomatter how out of control everything seems, you are controlling that out of control feeling.. the world can't hurt you..because in the end, YOU dont exist."

 

[hoptis]

This thread reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.

All men and women are born, live, suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about... We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live.

- Joseph Epstein

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

^That was lovely hoptis.
Thanks for sharing.

 

[doofqueen]

I'd like to think i have a positive out look on life. I take the good with the bad and when something 'bad' happens i try and look at what the life lesson was from it because i believe everything happens for a reason.

The only time i feel like i'm a 'victim' as in the woe is me attitude is when my relationships fail and go sour and then i think "whats wrong with me?" "what did i do wrong?" but recently have read a book called "In the meantime : finding yourself and the love you want" that talked about how we are the only ones in charge of how our personal connections with people work.

We only get treated how we let ourselves get treated and every time we get into a relationship with someone we know from the beginning if it will work and if it's what we want but it depends on if we let it go through anyway and then we wonder what went wrong when all the warning signs and signals are there from the start.

I think i went a bit off topic there ... sorry....

I take life with both hands and feel i have direction and what i want. I will accomplish all i want to because i will work hard for it and don't expect things to fall into my lap.

I am however along for the ride too.... i just forget my seatbelt sometimes and then wonder why i crashed.

I'm sure i'll learn eventually. The destination isn't important anyway. It's the journey that counts

 

[syntech]

i'd like to think i dont appear to be the victim.
sometimes my life is shit and i whinge about it, then hate myself later for putting such a burden on my friends, even though i know they love me.
but when it comes down to it, i know that things will always get better.

i see it as life is full of ups and downs, and its whether you see the good or the bad that determines whether you're a "victim" or not.

 

[preacha]

depends on what you are being victimised from

if you meant being the victim of hearing moronic points of view all day from people i couldn't give a shit about, sure, i'm a victim

otherwise? fuck no

 

[kryalkastleE]

i don't think i would ever consider myself a victim.

i always feel like i have control of my life and always hope and be optimistic that i can turn my life to go any way i want it.

im such an organisation freak that if i thought i could ever be a victim of life circumstances, it would freak me out.

i think you are only a victim if you choose to be.

you can make even the worst things turn out for the better if you get your head into the right space.

 

[Mary Poppins]

My idea of a victim differs very much from what people have written here. I was more thinking the emotional vampire (kudos to gleep for the term) who regularly, and to as many people as possible, act offended, hurt (victimized) etc. and then subsequently receive the attention they crave. When all is complete, they then find another issue upon which to complain and bleed you of your kindness.

The idea from my perspective (firmly placing myself in the third category I presented) is to choose the people you want to help, not let them choose you.

The vampires never learn. They don't want to.

this is exactly the context i use the term victim in.

someone who no matter how innocuous or how undramatic the situation they've been placed in is, will turn it around to mean some fabricated attack on them

makes me mad.

i don't tolerate this crap from my friends....or more exactly, i don't become friends with people who indulge themselves with this. i mean, everyone whinges, but if you're not cognizant of it...then it's a little concerning

 

[Pop Popavich]

I take the good with the bad and when something 'bad' happens i try and look at what the life lesson was from it because i believe everything happens for a reason.

I think thats an excellent attitude to have. I don't for a second believe that you can make it through life with nothing bad happening to you, but it's how you respond to that and what you learn from it that makes the difference.

I am however along for the ride too.... i just forget my seatbelt sometimes and then wonder why i crashed.

That conjured up an amusing mental image of a confused Doofqueen sitting in wreckage pondering what went wrong :D

I have a woman here at work who has turned being a victim into a professional career path. She will regularly complain about unfair conditions of the way someone treats her, but one recent action takes the cake.
She was applying for an internal position that is one level up from her current position. She had applied for the same position several times before and had been knocked back each time because she didn't have the skills to do the job properly, (she doesn't have the skills to do her current job properly!). After one time she was knocked back she turned up every day for a week and cried at her desk until lunchtime, went out, came back an hour later and cried at her desk until the end of the day.
The next time she applied for the same job, she was again knocked back, this time however she took it further. She went to Human Resources and complained that she was being victimised and held back because of the colour of her skin (she's Indian).
She now has that job. 8(

 

[up all night]

^ Smart woman. Stupid company.

 

[Pop Popavich]

The company is the government. Which is the only reason she would have got away with it. In private enterprise she would have been eaten alive and spat out a long time ago, but most government agencies (especially the bigger ones) give way too much slack in an effort to keep everyone happy, and because any kind of "race scandal" real or not, would cost more than it's worth.
She's just playing the system, and it's costing every single one of us.

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

Very interesting to observe how much people will do to prove they're not portraying themselves falsely as a victim.
It seems it's a very unfavourable term to use about oneself, and one to be avoided at all costs.

[Not that I'd class myself as any different - - - I rushed to the post reply button as quick as the next BLer, to prove I was innocent. ]

 

[ChickPea^]

Everyone needs a hug every once in a while, and its the victims that hog them all

..bastards

Im not a victim, but I like my hugs

 

[codez_raver]

So my question is, when it comes to life situations, big or small, do you take at least some control of what's happening, or are you along for the ride? Do you make things happen, or are you a Victim of your surroundings?

I have to have constant control over my life/surrondings/ happenings. If I feel that I've lost control over myself/my life I usualy spend time thinking about how I can change, solve or alter the situation to my advantge. I believe that I spend to much time analysing situations.

But in reply to Pop's question... Yes, I do try to get at least some control of whatever situation I may find myself in.

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

Originally posted by codez_raver
I believe that I spend to much time analysing situations.

^I hear you, codez_raver.
But, even though I take my time coming to terms with and understanding and appreciating the situation, I still do act on it when the time comes.

 

[deeCee]

Sadly I have read a book about this particular topic. Why sadly? Because that book was written by a one Dr. Phil

This basically states, that NO ONE is a victim. You are responsible for where you are, what you do, and why you do. With everything you do there is a consequence. This in itself has helped me partially sort myself out in the past year, although I still need to preach it to myself a few extra times. Because I still like others, like to put the seatbelt on and go for a ride.

So with this being said, Dr Phil says: you are not a victim. You are where you are, cause you put yourself there and if you dont do anything about it, its your problem, not anyone elses.

 

[Pop Popavich]

^^ I agree with Dr Phil. Everyone is essentially at the point they are in their lives due to the choices they make and how they deal with the consequences.

There are always situations where you feel like you are being railroaded and you have no option but to follow through and see how it turns out, but I think it's at points like this where your attitude towards your predicament plays the biggest part. If you are aware that you are on a course of action that for one reason or another you don't feel you can influence, you still have the choice about how you will let it affect you (even if only mentally), and whether you will gain something from the experience, or whether you simply add it to the list of bad things that have happened to you, putting you in the "Woe is me" category.

Judging from the responses in this thread, and from talking to people, no-one likes to think of themselves as a victim. I've met people in my life that will go to great lengths to convince themselves that they aren't, but I still think it comes down to your viewpoint, and whether you truly accept responsibility for who you are, or if deep down you still think your problems are the result of external influences.

Everyone has bad stuff things happen to them, but I know for me at least, the things that I feel have had the biggest negative influences on me are those that, looking back, I could have avoided or altered but didn't. I choose to admit (to myself) and learn from those mistakes.