Trigger Warning Anyone that gotten clean or on maintenance see full blown relapse as your endgame…you’re just delaying the misery for a few years/decades?

LucidSDreamr

Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2013
Messages
8,747
Location
Silicodone Valley
One mindset I’ve never quite gotten past is that I will one day again decend into full
Blown (I guess fentanyl?) addiction again one day.

Like this getting clean stuff is just a way of buying me a couple decades of peace but when life approaches its end or quality of life and old age/terminal diagnoses; just in general getting “over” life and what it has to offer, and whatever economic collapse/ ww3 is on the verge of happening …something is going to eventually make it acceptable to end it the way addicts are most comfortable ending life…by fully giving into to the addiction.

Like this is totally not what 12 step preachesz they preach dying of cancer clean in extreme pain or only doctor prescribed dosages (which are pointless) as a virtue and I’ve seen ppl
Die like that in so much pain and ask them….why not just smoke fent? You’re gonna be dead in 4 months? But they are so “cured “ of addiction that they claim not to have the reservation.

That reservation is there and has always been there during clean and using times for me.

It’s probably a bad sign because it leaves an excuse there where I can shift the goal posts of when I want life to be over.

But it’s one thing I never got about recovery and one thing if feel like I’ll never get.

Because even most addicts don’t seem to understand that my addiction isn’t about getting off amd getting high and feeling the drug. It’s about getting literally unconscious for some ppl to escape consciousness; whether it’s via death or a benzo coma. I never feel like that issue is discussed much and MFs be relapsing like crazy in recovery circles but I think they just chasing the high they want to experience. There’s no high or feeling I’m chasing with drugs it’s just unconsciousness that I want.
 
Last edited:
Top