Heroin Anyone successfully quit heroin for a long period of time (1+ years)?

[shadowstryker]

I've tried quitting heroin a few times. Both of the longest time I was clean were around 35 days each. The first time was by choice, but I honestly have no idea why I even wanted to quit. The second and longest time I was clean was 37 days, and this was due to me being forced into rehab and was drug tested weekly. Anyway, my current situation is that I'm broke. Literally can't even afford gas for my car, nor can I afford to register or lifcense it. And yet I still spent a chunk of money on some more heroin. I'm sad, depressed, mildly anxious, can't sleep, etc etc. But I still don't want,to quit, but I want to want to quiy if it makes sense. I'll think about buying more heroin every single day, and my first paycheck when I get a job is going straight to more heroin, but like I said I'd rather live poor and struggling to live with heroin than without it.

So I guess my question to those of you have quit for long periods of time: what made you actually want to quit. Not the typical "man I wish I could stop ", but " I'm done, stopping, here's my plan and I will follow through no matter what ". Perhaps I worded this wrong, I'm sorry it's getting hard to type right now, sorry for that. I'm just confused because I really wish I could want to quit. For fucks sake I overdosed and nearly died yet I still want to keep using. If you understand what I'm trying to say I'd really appreciate some insight, thank you friend.

 

[szuko000]

Kind of depends on what you mean. I have been free of heroin and fun opiates for something like 14-16 months, really dont know dont care actually. Funny story about that my counselor always thought it was funny when she would ask me and id be like "i dont know 6 or something months who counts that shit?"

But what really made me quit was before I couldnt go back to college because of financial reasons before my g/f and i discovered opiates before any of that happened i had a lot of direction and people really thought id make something of myself. For 3 years I was involved in heroin and crack. I used for a year and took about a year off then relapsed for a few months and here i sit. The whole time i was clean my g/f was IVing dope multiple times a day id get it for her etc, it never bothered me when i was clean because i wasnt doing heroin. Drugs i am not using dont bother me when im not using them, so it wasnt hard it just kept one foot in the grave if you will and its was the reason i relapsed in a sense. I was still living that same day over and over for no reason i never left the life so nothing changed.

It wasnt until i relapsed and that severely fucked up the schedule and normal pattern of things. After I relapsed we couldnt keep the cycle going for more then 4 months before i borrowed money from everyone i could and ran out of money for the week on pay day, that was when i got on methadone. But its important to note that i spent forever maintaining we werent getting high we were just miserable. Once i got on methadone and it took the sickness away at that point and that was all i was using dope for so it was easy to stop in a sense. I also have been off methadone for 30 something days (again dont care to know the exact date) and the whole thing was easy. The worst part of coming off was not really sleeping for 2 weeks, i still worked every day for the entirety of my addiction/methadone/even right now.

I wish I had a better story then "i just got on methadone and it worked" but the first time i got clean and was still very much around dope "i just got on suboxone and it worked" but i needed subs because they blocked dope so i could be around dope and not use it, methadone blocks but not 100% like subs. My g/f was very depressed and at worst with suicidal tendencies, she got on methadone and struggled for months but that is where she got her confidence. Something about seeing others stay there for years and he be up to 90mg and down to 0 in a total of 8 months literally gave her the confidence to become a different person, to know she was about to change her entire destiny... her story is more striking then mine as she went to a psychiatrist for her depression/addiction he couldnt really help and he tried his hardest to help her but in the end she did it herself, after thinking she never could.

It takes getting sick of who you have become. For me it was reuniting with the person i use to be. Someone who I always respected and admired for being able to over come any challenge the person who wouldnt let dope tell him who he was because he never let anything do that. Once I realized i was infinitely happier as a studious "hippy raver" then a sad depressed heroin addict it is easier to stay clean. I would never give up my new old life for the heroin days, i had to go through hell to appreciate the heaven i am making for myself.

You can do it too you just need to find that single reason that you feel you would literally die for, mine was to achieve my goals and heroin is literally the only thing that will prevent me from doing so.

 

[w01fg4ng]

Be aware that you can change your mind.

I believe at some point in the first month of sobriety off heroin I made the decision to relapse but that thought slowly faded as I pushed through and now I don't really care about it at all. 2.5 years clean.

 

[somnilicious]

Hey Shadowstryker.... I have been heroin/methadone and benzo free now for 11mths.. I used heroin for 17yrs/ methadone for 12yrs and was benzo dependent for about 10yrs. I was just so fed up that I had wanted to quit for years. I would try and try but could never make it past methadone or benzo withdrawal without going back to dope. I overdosed on heroin in April of last year and spent a week in the hospital.. I was told I could get help if I committed myself to a psch ward(Baker act). After a week in there I spent another week in detox, then I was off to a 60 day rehab. I completed the rehab but I was still withdrawing and in paws. I took a further step and went to a sober house in Daytona Beach for 9mths. If I had returned home I would have used for sure. The sober house provided a support network and structure. Some of the best friends and strongest bonds I have ever had came from this experience. We love and support each other like soldiers who have been to war together. If you really want to quit you will probably need to change everything in your life. I had to drop all my old friends, change my environment and attend AA support groups to work on myself and discover and work on the negative thought patterns and behaviors that drove my drug use.

In my experience only those who are absolutely fed up and done succeed in quitting.. The desire is key and that comes with experience. The drug has to loose it's appeal. The negatives far outweigh the positives. I could no longer ever really get a enjoyable high from heroin nor do I really remember what was so good about it. It had all just been the negatives and pain for years. That is just my experience though everybody is different.

 

[shadowstryker]

But what really made me quit was before I couldnt go back to college because of financial reasons before my g/f and i discovered opiates before any of that happened i had a lot of direction and people really thought id make something of myself.

Funny, I have a similar story. Before I got mixed up with heroin, benzos, alcohol and coke I used to seem like the kinda guy with a very prospective future. I was a straight-A honors student, a freelance computer programmer working on a 3D first person shooter I was making every day, started a business, worked out daily, etc etc. Now I have no motivation to do any of that, I'm flat broke, stopped freelance, grades dropped, attend school 30% of the time, etc. All thanks to drugs, yet for some reason I don't have a desire to quit.

 

[CBNJ2357]

I too had a similar story of a bright future. I had it all money saved, scholarships to college, a girlfriend of 7 years, yet dope cost me most of it. It sucked but plenty of people, later realizing in their own defense, left simply because they recognized I felt how you said. I knew I should quit but no matter what it cost me, I just didn't and part of me just didn't want to.

They held interventions and went through the normal tough-love motions including suggestions to rehabs, and relocations. One time I moved to AZ and managed to get 30 something days clean - the longest I had since I started, but the moment I returned to NJ relapsed. But I remember being in AZ those days waking up consumed with thoughts of dope forever, anda after several failed attempts it seemed like a hopeless venture.

However, one day I woke up sick as hell. By that time I had already lost it all and my habit was rediculous to the point I needed a rediculous amount just not to be sick. I finallly became sick and tired of being sick and tired and mentally prepared myself to quit for good. This time however, a had a friend just as bad off as I was in the same mental spot as me, which I'll be the first to admit helped immensely. We walked around bitching about withdrawals but trading stories of the glorious days we had on heroin and basically became an open honest support system for each other. Unfortunately, he relapsed 6 months down the line went another 1 1/2 year run before calling it quits once again. However, I checked myself into IOP and the regular drug tests and the lectures that would have ensued helped me stay clean the days I was on the fence about relapsing.

Another major thing I credit to me finally getting clean that last time was LSD. It sounds like an insane notion, but anyone who knows me knows I give a great deal of credit to the experience I had. I had taken LSD on several occasions usually while still using heroin or after the psycholocial symptoms subsided (around 2+ weeks for me). However, this last time I managed to procure some LSD and took it in the period between the end of the physical withdrawls (3-5 days usually for me) and the end of the over-emotional/psychological withdrawals. When I hit the introspective portion of my trip, I still remember clear as day, my whole perspective shifting. I don't know how better to explain it other than I was granted a third-party perspective but of myself. All the other thoughts and sayings I heard from other people seemed to make sense and I really began asking myself these questions of why do I do this to myself? why do dope if it harms me so much?

I still remember thinking its all or nothing as well. Ive heard people saying quitting drug is like loosing a best friend, and whether it was the trip or just the sudden realization I had, but this is how I felt. I remember getting pretty sad over this thought, but once I came to accept it would really be all or nothing it became easy. From then on despite living in a dope house full of pheins and drugs I managed to stay clean. I just kept reinforcing to myself there can be no one time cus if I could have controlled it to begin with I would have never became a dope addict. Not to say it was easy though. For the first couple months I had dreams even about doing heroin and would wake up in cold sweats but it was different. Whereas in active addiction I'd wake up like damn wheres the dope? I woke up frustrated at myself for relapsing until I realized it was a dream. But the months past and months became years and now its been 3.5+ years clean....I never meant to remember the date but I do, although I think counting days, while can be a positive reminder of how far you come, also sets other people up for failure (many people like myself typically seemed to relapse at points - oh i made it 2 weeks, oh its been a month, oh 6 months).

Once you do get clean just reinforce its all or nothing and that if you could have controlled your love affair with opiates you would have never been this way. If you manage to avoid it for a while it does get easier. I'm not gonna lie I still think about it from time to time but as time goes on its a much easier thought to push out of your mind instead of the constant 24/7 craving you'll exprience initially.

Good Luck man

**On a side note erowid.org is currently conducting a survey with John Hopkins about psychedelics and reduction in addiction behavoir**

 

[shadowstryker]

I too had a similar story of a bright future. I had it all money saved, scholarships to college, a girlfriend of 7 years, yet dope cost me most of it. It sucked but plenty of people, later realizing in their own defense, left simply because they recognized I felt how you said. I knew I should quit but no matter what it cost me, I just didn't and part of me just didn't want to.

They held interventions and went through the normal tough-love motions including suggestions to rehabs, and relocations. One time I moved to AZ and managed to get 30 something days clean - the longest I had since I started, but the moment I returned to NJ relapsed. But I remember being in AZ those days waking up consumed with thoughts of dope forever, anda after several failed attempts it seemed like a hopeless venture.

However, one day I woke up sick as hell. By that time I had already lost it all and my habit was rediculous to the point I needed a rediculous amount just not to be sick. I finallly became sick and tired of being sick and tired and mentally prepared myself to quit for good. This time however, a had a friend just as bad off as I was in the same mental spot as me, which I'll be the first to admit helped immensely. We walked around bitching about withdrawals but trading stories of the glorious days we had on heroin and basically became an open honest support system for each other. Unfortunately, he relapsed 6 months down the line went another 1 1/2 year run before calling it quits once again. However, I checked myself into IOP and the regular drug tests and the lectures that would have ensued helped me stay clean the days I was on the fence about relapsing.

Another major thing I credit to me finally getting clean that last time was LSD. It sounds like an insane notion, but anyone who knows me knows I give a great deal of credit to the experience I had. I had taken LSD on several occasions usually while still using heroin or after the psycholocial symptoms subsided (around 2+ weeks for me). However, this last time I managed to procure some LSD and took it in the period between the end of the physical withdrawls (3-5 days usually for me) and the end of the over-emotional/psychological withdrawals. When I hit the introspective portion of my trip, I still remember clear as day, my whole perspective shifting. I don't know how better to explain it other than I was granted a third-party perspective but of myself. All the other thoughts and sayings I heard from other people seemed to make sense and I really began asking myself these questions of why do I do this to myself? why do dope if it harms me so much?

I still remember thinking its all or nothing as well. Ive heard people saying quitting drug is like loosing a best friend, and whether it was the trip or just the sudden realization I had, but this is how I felt. I remember getting pretty sad over this thought, but once I came to accept it would really be all or nothing it became easy. From then on despite living in a dope house full of pheins and drugs I managed to stay clean. I just kept reinforcing to myself there can be no one time cus if I could have controlled it to begin with I would have never became a dope addict. Not to say it was easy though. For the first couple months I had dreams even about doing heroin and would wake up in cold sweats but it was different. Whereas in active addiction I'd wake up like damn wheres the dope? I woke up frustrated at myself for relapsing until I realized it was a dream. But the months past and months became years and now its been 3.5+ years clean....I never meant to remember the date but I do, although I think counting days, while can be a positive reminder of how far you come, also sets other people up for failure (many people like myself typically seemed to relapse at points - oh i made it 2 weeks, oh its been a month, oh 6 months).

Once you do get clean just reinforce its all or nothing and that if you could have controlled your love affair with opiates you would have never been this way. If you manage to avoid it for a while it does get easier. I'm not gonna lie I still think about it from time to time but as time goes on its a much easier thought to push out of your mind instead of the constant 24/7 craving you'll exprience initially.

Good Luck man

**On a side note erowid.org is currently conducting a survey with John Hopkins about psychedelics and reduction in addiction behavoir**

I'll he sure to look into that survey. Same with me where I'd have thousands upon thousands of dollars right now instead of $5.64 in the bank. I'd also still have my job. Before drugs I was a huge car/automobile person. I had a great condition 5spd manual Mazda6, black/red interior, racing seats, planned on turboing the engine, etc etc. Then I blew the engine in it and had to sell it cheap on Craigslist because I couldn't afford to fix it and was desperate for money. I then bought a POS car for $300 that I can't put money into because the engine light is on because the cat is blown, which'll cost more to fix it than the car is worth, it's a FWD and automatic, and the interior and exterior are in shitty condition. I also bought a motorcycle that I planned on upgrading to a supersport at one time too, but again I spent all my money. I then wrecked it and it took me 5 months or so to fix I believe because I couldn't even afford $30 for new handlebars. Now I'm stuck with a shitty-condition car and motorcycle, both of which I can't afford to drive. So many ambitions that drugs have ruined.

As for LSD, I've done tons of psychedelics. I typically do them to seeing I learn anything new, often looking for something to end my addiction. LSD has yet to provide and answers, and I even started doing DMT in hopes of some answers but still no dice.

 

[CBNJ2357]

Thats pretty shocking. Ive heard nothing but good things about ayahuasca therapy, and if I'm not mistaken DMT is the main active compound in the brews. Then again, like I made mention of my post and in the survey I took on the other site, I had taken LSD on numerous occasions before and after. My best guess is that I took it immediately after the physical withdrawals subsided but still during the overly-emotional psychological withdrawals and that maybe that helped contribute to the experience. However, I already was in the head space that I, myself and not due to anyone else influence, wanted to get clean myself.

The money thing I dont even wanna get into haha. It still somewhat of a (sad)point of amazement that I spent a house, cars, and so on just by putting it up my nose/in my veins over the years. Easy come easy go I guess. Money can always be replaced the relationships and friendships and clean criminal record can't be. Always keep that in mind.

 

[szuko000]

As for LSD, I've done tons of psychedelics. I typically do them to seeing I learn anything new, often looking for something to end my addiction. LSD has yet to provide and answers, and I even started doing DMT in hopes of some answers but still no dice.

I would avoid psychedelics while i was a heroin addict because id always spend time crying about my dreams slipping away from me, visions of choosing dope over my past self, the over whelming desire to help my g/f and brother get clean. I couldnt run from it even at weekend festivals it wouldnt bother me at the show it would be when we got back to the campsite and i was left alone... Even weed would make me sit there in introspective hell thinking "why do i inject heroin into my veins, why cant i just stop" But those things never stuck it just took time now the 2 people i am "best friends" with, my ex g/f and younger brother, are all clean and i can say 2 years ago if someone said that we would all be clean and have new destinies and futures i would have laughed. And i can not stress that enough my ex and younger brother were both worse off then me as she had emotional and anxiety (still there but shes much more stable now) and my brother sold dope and was a crack head. My ex tries to help people who go through what she did in her spare time, kind of like i do, and my younger brother is a gym/fitness junkie now. Like all that dude does is read diet and exercise shit now that hes out of prison and has a job.

I wish there was a way to express how happy these changes make me and how i would never have saw it coming. I dont think ill ever get over how wrong i was thinking things wouldnt change and how much my view of addicts changed because of their changes, I knew i would get clean i just always worried about everyone else.

 

[shadowstryker]

I would avoid psychedelics while i was a heroin addict because id always spend time crying about my dreams slipping away from me, visions of choosing dope over my past self, the over whelming desire to help my g/f and brother get clean. I couldnt run from it even at weekend festivals it wouldnt bother me at the show it would be when we got back to the campsite and i was left alone... Even weed would make me sit there in introspective hell thinking "why do i inject heroin into my veins, why cant i just stop" But those things never stuck it just took time now the 2 people i am "best friends" with, my ex g/f and younger brother, are all clean and i can say 2 years ago if someone said that we would all be clean and have new destinies and futures i would have laughed. And i can not stress that enough my ex and younger brother were both worse off then me as she had emotional and anxiety (still there but shes much more stable now) and my brother sold dope and was a crack head. My ex tries to help people who go through what she did in her spare time, kind of like i do, and my younger brother is a gym/fitness junkie now. Like all that dude does is read diet and exercise shit now that hes out of prison and has a job.

I wish there was a way to express how happy these changes make me and how i would never have saw it coming. I dont think ill ever get over how wrong i was thinking things wouldnt change and how much my view of addicts changed because of their changes, I knew i would get clean i just always worried about everyone else.

Odd, while I do try to learn about my addiction and why I feel the need to use while on psychedelics, including the DMT trips, I've never quite found myself thinking about it as a means for so many of my dreams and goals being lost. Perhaps this is just because I am young and have so much of my life ahead of me. I wish I had that mindset though, I'm sure it would help me want to quit.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Step one is that you have to want to stop. I'm not sure what it means to want to want to stop, but I don't think you'll ever stop while you're in that state of mind. Eventually you'll either get sick of the bullshit & acquire a genuine desire to stop, or you'll keep using into the indefinite future. You don't have a genuine desire to quit so I wouldn't worry about it. As I said in another thread, it seems pointless to me to try and convince someone who doesn't have a real desire to stop using that they should have that desire. It's pretty much a prerequisite of any sort of meaningful advice vis-à-vis the practicalities of stopping heroin addiction, in my opinion.

 

[withlove]

i stopped 13 years ago and hadnt really touched opiates in about 10 years til I got sick with chronic pain.
( i take meds for pain now which i do enjoy but i also never take more than i need or am prescribed)

i still drank a lot though which wasnt great for me.

i dont know what made me stop, i had almost died a few times so i was pretty freaked out. i broke up with my boyfriend because he and i would use together, i moved across town to get away from the friends i got high with and to closer to my other friends and family. those things made it easier to not get sucked back in.

the last time i kicked i went cold turkey, locked myself in my moms house cuz she was up north and detoxed there.

i know i couldnt use bupe or subs because when i tried to use them i almost died and wound up in the hospital for 3 weeks. i was 85lbs and barely alive.
i wasnt ready to die, and i knew if i kept using i would. that was that.
i am incredibly fortunate.

i hope you find your way out.
xo

 

[crzydiamond]

I understand where you're coming from, as when I was younger I had no desire to stop even when consequences happened that I knew intellectually should make me want to stop. For instance, at 21 I overdosed in my house...my dad found me blue and not breathing but did CPR and called an ambulance...I came to hearing someone talk about "carrying the body downstairs" and realized that was ME they were talking about and sat up. Scared the shit out of them... (It was an odd experience as I could hear stuff going on like I was an observer) . Second time six months later I woke up in the ambulance. Neither stopped me from using for very long. I had a minor habit (of course at the time it didn't seem minor, but in comparison it was)

I guess when I was younger I never had to worry about a roof over my head or food or anything. Even though my family tried everything to get me to stop they wouldn't let me starve either

I ended up on methadone maintenance at 22 (bupe wasn't a thing then). That worked for a few years. Was clean, worked, made good money. No desire to use. but then a whole confluence of circumstances happened and I was detoxing from the clinic and started using coke IV and doing some h IV and ended up on a complete downward spiral (IV coke does that to me far quicker than dope ever does). Ended up with charges, did time in prison, got out and for years didn't want to use

I think as I got older the biggest factor was I realized "you only get one life. There is no reset button". I saw people coming in and out of prison. 30, 40, 50, 60 year old addicts with absolutely nothing to show for their lives. And for the first time I could see that happening to me, that I was past the being young and untouchable and that I really really wanted more for myself than that

I also kind of rediscovered myself in prison, it was the longest sober (not counting methadone) time I had had since age 18. And after some time I started finding that there were things in life that brought me joy and contentment. Found I loved to paint.

Counting prison time and after I stayed completely clean for almost 9 years

I had a 2 year relapse. The final year all I wanted was to get back to who I was before the relapse. But it took being evicted to make
me put myself in detox. Did well for a little but got out to having to rebuild. Used for about a month and got back on the methadone clinic. Been there for about 2 years. Slowly coming off. Painlessly detoxing.

-----------
The short answer: I grew up a little and realized that, simple as it sounds, I only get this one life. And I wanted more out of it than being a revolving door prison inmate coming back at 50, 60 and 70 years of age.

I also realized that day after day, year after year of doing the same routine (get up, get well, find money to stay well before I get too sick to, start feeling like shit, use again....repeat until bedtime. Do same thing tomorrow) was the most depressing/boring existence ever. At that point, you don't even get the superficial sense of feeling good.
------------

When you get to the point you don't want to waste your life chasing down a little pile of powder that brings lies and more lies....well, that's when you stop. Or you get sick of being broke and never having a damn thing. Or sick of waking up sick every day. Or sick of the whole routing.

Problem is--none of us can give you anything other than our experiences. And until you experience it yourself you won't be motivated to stop. It's one thing to hear about kicking dope laying in a freezing concrete cell where you could barely make it to the toilet 5 feet away. It's a whole other thing to experience it.

But maybe you'll be the one in a million who does stop before you have your own advice for someone starting out.

 

[manboychef]

It is 99% desire and 1% willpower.

The main thing is you have to be aware that you will not always be happy, you will not always be comfortable, and your feelings won't always be met. Once you realize that about life, it becomes a lot easier.

I relapsed so many times because I held onto anger and bitterness from things that happened in my childhood, and things that happened with girlfriends (One in particular). I was unable to accept that those things had happened and I could do nothing about them now. Finally I had an epiphany: I don't have to feel this way. Happiness is a choice. Fulfillment is the wage of acceptance.

If you truly want to stop, you will know when it is time.

 

[Phil.McKeer]

I was smoking H in volume (up to 2g's a day some days) (edit: for over 2 years) and would go through cycles of stopping (once CT, then rapid bupe tapers) to reset tolerance.

Then one day I did the math of how much this habit was costing me vs what it brought into my life, and I realized that I had spent somewhere in the order of 10g's just to get high and escape my responsibilities, be behind on bills, etc.

That's no way to live. Luckily, I've built many bridges, and have access to almost anything I need, anytime I need it. So I got 80mg of subutex and 100mg of xanax (not to mention several grams of gabapentin and diphenhydramine to potentiate my subs and benzos) and quit right then and there. That was about 5 months ago. Since then I've smoked a few times but only in social settings and never took any home with me.

So for the last 4 months or so I've been basically H-free, except if it comes around in a social situation, but the next day I don't feel any ill symptoms.

I also recently took up microdosing (+/- 250ug/day) bupe to combat my depression and anxiety which I believe to be what drove me to use H in the first place.

But if it never came around again and even if my supply of aubutex were to run out with no hope of getting more, I'd be fine. I've taken week-long test breaks from my microgram dosing of bupe to see if anything happens. I slept fine for a week and just noticed temperature changes to be more pronounced, andy mood slightly irritable, and of course the return of depression into the 3rd day (when most of the bupe has metabolized out), which is basically the same I experienced as before I started H.

So yeah, I was a heavy user of 2+ years, now I'm not. I always know I'm careening on a dangerous precipice though so I keep that in the back of my mind when those "social" smoking situations come up.

 

[Not Dead Yet]

Ya know, I wonder where they all went? For a reason known to the Good Lord, I am approaching my 64th birthday. I had multiple overdoses in the period 1997-2010. Almost always it was the opiate, the benzo, and the alcohol. Fentanyl was in there about 7 times. Not street fentanyl. One or two were DL and the final 10 or more were heroin. I had two wicked, wicked IV cocaine OD's. Why the flip am I still here? I don't know and no one can tell me. I hear "God has a plan for you, that's why." I wish He'd tell me what the flip it is?

I wonder where all the people I knew went. I made friends through life, drugs, the joint, 12-step, music and all but they are gone! My family is mostly dead and the rest hate me. I believe opiates have destroyed my brain, therefore, my mind. That's why I just never felt right using 12-step. Something was always off, something missing. Now, I am lonely and don't connect. After many 12-step tries, I'd relapse, spend all my money, lose everything and all that BS. I was on subs a few times but I am just too sneaky.

I had 12 years clean thanks to the state and maybe 10 more on the outside.

Mikie ain't crying. I have a place to live (subsidized - over 60 years old), a car, myself whom I generally like and care for, ability to play guitar and sing, and a junior at a state college. I also paid: three times in the joint for drugs and booze related booshit. I lost absolutely everything each time and couldn't wait to do it again. Use control and be smart this time. I hung lotsa bad paper. Scripts and checks.

What is working for me now, solidly and without a doubt, is MMT at 50 mg and Antabuse. I can take one Antabuse and be sure that I can't and won't drink for 4 days. When I feel good in the morning, I do it again. I am planning another 4-week drop of 3 mg a week down to 38 mg. Methadone has made me fat (20 pounds that I don't need.) But, thank God I quit smoking for almost a year now. Just hooked on nicotine lozenges.

AA people don't understand and put me down and are judgmental as hell because of the MMT. I am sorry I told anyone. Hey, do you hate me that much that you'd rather see me dead?. Down Judge Judy.

I am with everyone here. I pray for all of us. I know how hard it is. I started heroin at age 17. Mikie

 

[Project Will]

I've been sober about 15 months or so from heroin and benzos. Life is way better now, but it sure took a little while for life to get much better. Withdrawals from heroin is shitty but the benzo withdrawal kept me pretty fucked up in the head for the first 6 weeks - was doing 200-300mg of Valium or other equivalent benzo dose per day. Was in medical detox for 2 weeks and rehab for 2 months, but it wasn't until I got out that I realized how much happier I was without the daily dope struggle. Like 6 months in I started to do normal human shit on a daily basis and got a routine that I enjoyed. No more waking up dope sick, lying to everyone, wasting all my money on drugs and being a general worthless person. No doubt life will not get much better after being 35 or 37 days sober - just know that it will get better if you give it more time.

Not that I'm some super human now, just a regular person doing regular stuff who is pretty happy overall instead of miserable like I used to be. I still miss using drugs, but I've gotten clean and gone back enough to know that I am a lot happier when not using. What helps me not relapse is thinking back to how bad it always got and how much better it is now.

If you can't resist the temptation to get high you should try suboxone or bupe - I've used it for detox and know lots of people who use it for maintenance. Good luck!

 

[Burnt Offerings]

The main thing is you have to be aware that you will not always be happy, you will not always be comfortable, and your feelings won't always be met. Once you realize that about life, it becomes a lot easier.

I agree, the main problem of heroin addiction for me seems to be the development of positive coping mechanisms.

 

[belfort]

ive been clean from heroin for 8-9 years..bottom line is i had to quit, i was broke, dopesick an couldnt function anymore like that..i went on methadone for a year or so and got off that and thats it..no desire to ever go back..im lucky in that i dont get cravings but i do have lasting anhedonia from my opiate addiction..

 

[BasX]

I was a similar situation for a long time OP. Went to rehab court-ordered rehab once and literally snorted an 80 of oxy the day I walked out. After I spent awhile going one week on one week off until I was just like "alright enough of this shit, I need to do something". I really wanted to stop doing them but yeah something just kept bringing me back. I decided to go on suboxone, which at first I believed was a 'miracle drug', now I just realize it kept me doped up enough to stay clean for over a year at least.

Sure enough I slipped back into my old ways, this time though it was more like binges of fentanyl/heroin and going back on suboxone. Let me tell you, it fucking sucks to go through that precipitated w/d constantly. I would time it so I would pop 4mg under my tongue just before sleeping and basically slept through the precipitated w/d, or set an alarm at 4am, wake up, put the sub under my tongue, then immediately go back to sleep. I found as long as I didn't binge massive amounts of fentanyl, a strong dose of suboxone would precipitate w/d for roughly 2-3 hours, and I wouldn't feel anything. Massive fentanyl binges would create 2 day w/d regardless of anything. This was actually a little harder than it sounds, and many times I waited too long and woke up with the sub beside my head from not taking it. At one point I would make my gf put it under my tongue for me. If you take it to early, get ready for precipitated w/d hell with no hope of sleep.

I was working a really good job through all this (that I still have, miracle that I didn't tank that), but was always fucking broke. Tired of being broke along with the constant ups and downs really pushed me to cut all that shit out entirely. It took a good 2 years of on/off use but I got through it. I dropped my dose from 8mg to 2mg by myself in less than 2 months. I walked in my doctor's office one day and just told him to prescribe me 2mg (he was a little shocked). I think I've done opiates 2 nights in the past 1.5 years and I just lost the will to do them. I seriously don't give a fuck about them anymore, and taking .5mg of suboxone 2-3 times a day now. It's actually a bitch to reduce your dose below 2mg without any discomfort, which is why it's taken me a good 4 months just to go from 1mg x 2 daily to .5mg x 2/3 daily. To be frank I actually want my doc to give me like codeine or something instead to wean off (to anyone going to say "oh codeine is still addictive", fuck you, codeine doesn't do SHIT to anyone who's used to fentanyl). In hindsight, I sorta wish I didn't get on the subs, but I also know I would have probably never really quit, or at the very least, I would never have lost the desire to do them.

I expect methadone would have a similar effect, except you'd have almost no motivation to stop. Buprenorphine on the other hand, eventually you just don't care.

Edit: Also, the fact of 'growing up' and the desire to join the 'real world' is also another big motivating factor to steer clear. When I was younger I was so focused on school and drugs, when school stopped, I was focused on getting a job and drugs. You need to break that focus on drugs mentality. I recently read an article explaining that the reason we are able to walk by homeless people in misery without a thought is because they don't elicit an emotional response; ie, they do not register as 'human beings' in our brains. The article also stated this is the same reaction people have to drug addicts. If people in general think of you as a drug addict, they will literally not give a shit about you, and try to avoid you at all costs. The only people you can remain close with are other drug addicts, since they still view you the same. You really need to break this cycle and join the real world. At that point, you will start to look at drug addicts the same way (albeit with a little more understanding). It sucks, but that's what needs to happen to be successful, lest you remain in a state of perpetual monotony. That's what I imagine happens to people who remain drug addicts all throughout adulthood; at some point, you become almost permanently branded, and you are fucked for life. The only people who will see you are other drug addicts, and the cycle continues, for years, until you die.

On the flipside though, I find taking small doses of amphetamine, a lot of people don't really give a fuck. As long as your productive, do your work properly, don't look tweaked the fuck out, people tend to be more lenient (or ignorant). The same cannot be said for heroin I'm afraid. You may be good and productive for some time, but eventually the drug/sickness/appearance will catch up. I guess the same will be true of amphetamine, but I find amphetamine to be much more manageable/less addictive. Taking too much amphetamine will just bring about the negative side effects, and tolerance develops to the point where again, I don't want/feel the need to take more. Even if i take it every day for awhile, I might feel 'off' for a day or two but that's it. I'm talking doses of like 20-30mg here, nothing crazy...

Sorry for the rant, as you can guess from my past couple paragraphs, I took 30mg Vyvanse earlier today. Sounds a little hypocritical I know, but opiates are on a totally different spectrum than d-amp. Also, don't take meth, you cannot function and look normal on that shit; it's too intense.