• Welcome Guest

    Forum Guidelines Bluelight Rules
    Fun 💃 Threads Overdosed? Click
    D R U G   C U L T U R E
  • DC Moderators: ghostfreak | VerbalTruist

Anyone else feel like this?

frogluvr

frogluvr

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 8, 2025
Messages
8
For me, it has always felt like trying drugs was inevitable.

I’ve been weirdly intrigued, if not straight up obsessed, with the thought of doing drugs since the age of 13. For periods of my life I’ve been extremely depressed and the thought of anything that could make me happy, even just for one night seemed magical, which is probably what started my obsession with drugs at the time.

I started smoking weed and drinking at 15, which was fun, but it didn’t really give me the numbness and satisfaction that i craved. I wanted to detach from my body and just float happily around for a bit which is why as soon as i met someone who was picking up drugs, i made sure they shared them with me.

I’ve done a few different drugs now like ketamine, coke, shrooms, mdma etc. but i still yearn for more. I definitely think i have an addictive personality which makes things a bit tricky but I’m trying my best to manage stuff.

I’ve always seeked to escape from reality, and drugs are probably the closest I’ve come. There’s still a few other substances i want to try, however I’m not actively seeking them out rn since my partner prefers that I take a break from hard drugs

Anyways sorry for yapping but I’d love to hear you guys thoughts and experiences as well since this subject is very interesting to me :>
 
Im not sure, up to the point where I took my first pill of oxy I was always completely against drugs. Then that night completely changed my whole paradigm.

I felt like my life didnt truly begin until I started using drugs. Then when I stopped using drugs I felt like my life hadnt truly began before then.

Yet I cant change the feeling that someday Im going to interact with drugs again. I just cant shake my obsession for them, probably why I hang on forums like this, partly because I like discussing pharmacology, partly because some part of my brain still believes it is ”destined” to do drugs again. But I know I ”cant” so I wont, just for today at least
 
For me, trying was inevitable, using structurally not so much.

I don't believe happiness lies in drug use per se.

I generally respect people's property and the law, but I will buy illegal drugs every once in a while.

but.... I wanted to know what all those artists and musicians experienced.

Yet to try opium.
 
Last edited:
frogluvr said:
For me, it has always felt like trying drugs was inevitable.

I’ve been weirdly intrigued, if not straight up obsessed, with the thought of doing drugs since the age of 13. For periods of my life I’ve been extremely depressed and the thought of anything that could make me happy, even just for one night seemed magical, which is probably what started my obsession with drugs at the time.

I started smoking weed and drinking at 15, which was fun, but it didn’t really give me the numbness and satisfaction that i craved. I wanted to detach from my body and just float happily around for a bit which is why as soon as i met someone who was picking up drugs, i made sure they shared them with me.

I’ve done a few different drugs now like ketamine, coke, shrooms, mdma etc. but i still yearn for more. I definitely think i have an addictive personality which makes things a bit tricky but I’m trying my best to manage stuff.

I’ve always seeked to escape from reality, and drugs are probably the closest I’ve come. There’s still a few other substances i want to try, however I’m not actively seeking them out rn since my partner prefers that I take a break from hard drugs

Anyways sorry for yapping but I’d love to hear you guys thoughts and experiences as well since this subject is very interesting to me :>
Click to expand...
I actually scarily relate to this and in my first post here on Bluelight I described EXACTLY this feeling.

It’s such a strange phenomenon and for me personally I speculate it has a lot to do with my neurodivergency (autism & adhd) and chronic depression as well as c-ptsd. Growing up not understanding how other people could be content living with their emotions when to me everything has always felt too intense and not liveable, turned the idea of drugs, these almost magical things you put into your body to maybe, just maybe, feel a sense of happiness, of peace and belonging that others seemed to feel on a daily basis, into my only reason for living after surviving multiple suicide attempts and coping with self harm and an eating disorder for years.

I really relate specially to how you describe that constant desire for something more intense. Had the same thing with weed, I love it still, but it always left me frustrated I didn’t have access to something stronger. Then when I did get access to a dealer and tried XTC and speed for the first time, I felt like I had finally discovered what life was all about. Especially MDMA has been a major obsession for me since elementary school, trying it has always felt inevitable and today it’s still one of my favorite highs apart from maybe opiates and the way speed makes my brain feel more ‘right’ and comfortable to live with I suppose.

It’s interesting seeing others like me, I’ve always felt quite alone in feeling like this aha. I’m curious, do you experience the same sort of hesitancy when it comes to letting others in on your drug habits? I have this thing when on one hand I feel like this way of living is mine and mine alone and I don’t want to drag anyone along for that or bother anyone by my habits. While on the other hand, somewhere subconsciously I crave nothing more than to engage in my self destructive habits with someone just like me, to feel that sense of mutual understanding, connection and urges for self destruction if that makes sense??

Uhh yes, whole ass ramble haha, hope you’re having a good day :)
 
frogluvr said:
For me, it has always felt like trying drugs was inevitable.

I’ve been weirdly intrigued, if not straight up obsessed, with the thought of doing drugs since the age of 13. For periods of my life I’ve been extremely depressed and the thought of anything that could make me happy, even just for one night seemed magical, which is probably what started my obsession with drugs at the time.

I started smoking weed and drinking at 15, which was fun, but it didn’t really give me the numbness and satisfaction that i craved. I wanted to detach from my body and just float happily around for a bit which is why as soon as i met someone who was picking up drugs, i made sure they shared them with me.

I’ve done a few different drugs now like ketamine, coke, shrooms, mdma etc. but i still yearn for more. I definitely think i have an addictive personality which makes things a bit tricky but I’m trying my best to manage stuff.

I’ve always seeked to escape from reality, and drugs are probably the closest I’ve come. There’s still a few other substances i want to try, however I’m not actively seeking them out rn since my partner prefers that I take a break from hard drugs

Anyways sorry for yapping but I’d love to hear you guys thoughts and experiences as well since this subject is very interesting to me :>
Click to expand...
I really get the sentiment,

I just think there is a latent curiosity that even if it could see absolutely horrible outcomes it’d want to anyway.

I don’t think anything could have prevented me from doing drugs in some way or form, outside of just being physically restrained in some way lol.

All that could of been done would of made me use far more safely.

I only use the way I do now is I’ve learnt for myself I hate negative consequences, and so I’ll always consider it. I’m not perfect and it’s not even close to an infallible system, but I have no problems not using anything I know would be directly harmful to myself. No matter how bad or reckless I feel,

I know there’s something else that can be done, I’m well acquainted with feeling bad and I don’t fancy it if I can help it.
 
The first time I was offered drugs (mushrooms) I was 14 and I ate them without a second thought, right on the spot. The person who gave them to me was shocked.

No one taught me to be that way. I never read about it anywhere. The anti-drug talks at school had no real impact on me. Just... something in me believed that it was a doorway to other experiences that I really needed. I wanted the initiation.

Every person I ever did drugs with up until my 30s reflected back to me that I seemed to be on a quest. Zero fear, just insatiable curiosity and a belief in the possibility of transcendence. Not to mention that no matter where I went in the world I always somehow attracted people into my life who had the perfect drugs. It was like a magical power.

When your spirit knows, it knows.
 
Sp4rky said:
I actually scarily relate to this and in my first post here on Bluelight I described EXACTLY this feeling.

It’s such a strange phenomenon and for me personally I speculate it has a lot to do with my neurodivergency (autism & adhd) and chronic depression as well as c-ptsd. Growing up not understanding how other people could be content living with their emotions when to me everything has always felt too intense and not liveable, turned the idea of drugs, these almost magical things you put into your body to maybe, just maybe, feel a sense of happiness, of peace and belonging that others seemed to feel on a daily basis, into my only reason for living after surviving multiple suicide attempts and coping with self harm and an eating disorder for years.

I really relate specially to how you describe that constant desire for something more intense. Had the same thing with weed, I love it still, but it always left me frustrated I didn’t have access to something stronger. Then when I did get access to a dealer and tried XTC and speed for the first time, I felt like I had finally discovered what life was all about. Especially MDMA has been a major obsession for me since elementary school, trying it has always felt inevitable and today it’s still one of my favorite highs apart from maybe opiates and the way speed makes my brain feel more ‘right’ and comfortable to live with I suppose.

It’s interesting seeing others like me, I’ve always felt quite alone in feeling like this aha. I’m curious, do you experience the same sort of hesitancy when it comes to letting others in on your drug habits? I have this thing when on one hand I feel like this way of living is mine and mine alone and I don’t want to drag anyone along for that or bother anyone by my habits. While on the other hand, somewhere subconsciously I crave nothing more than to engage in my self destructive habits with someone just like me, to feel that sense of mutual understanding, connection and urges for self destruction if that makes sense??

Uhh yes, whole ass ramble haha, hope you’re having a good day :)
Click to expand...
It's actually crazy how familiar your situation and thoughts feels to me:0

I'm diagnosed w autism, depression and an eating disorder as well + have struggled with selfharm for years and i relate heavily to the feeling of everything just feeling too intense and overwhelming, which is probably why I've ended up turning to multiple bad coping mechanisms . I think the autism makes me experience my emotions a lot more intensely and I don't really know how to cope without some kind of "crutch" whether its drugs, selfharm or simply just dimming my emotions with malnutrition.


I totally get the urge to always "go deeper", take more or stronger drugs even though I know it's horribly self-destructive. It never really feel enough, and I don't think I've found a drug that fully scratches my brain in the right way (which is probably a good thing since I doubt I'd be able to control my use then). Ketamine is close since it lets me float away for a bit, but again, never feels like enough.

I like taking drugs alone, but I also crave the mutual self destruction you're describing. My friends are basically the reason I got access to drugs in the first place tho which makes me feel less guilty even though it’s kinda messed up.

I’ve been surrounded by a lot of damaged people which on one hand makes me want to get better so I can support their recovery but it’s hard for me to step away when they’re struggling and letting me into their self destructive habits, it feels practically impossible for me to say no when offered drugs o_0

I'm actually doing better mentally than I have in a long time which has made the urge smaller, but it’s definitely still there. My partner is currently staying away from hard drugs and wants me to do so too, which makes it easier and is definitely very good for me, but it’s also a bit frustrating because I still have the urge to experiment more. We still smoke together tho and their presence makes life a lot more bearable, love is truly a drug lol

Anyways, again, it's so interesting how much I seem to relate to your thoughts and emotions. I think being neurodivergent affects me more than I truly understand so seeing someone else with a similar mindset feels oddly relieving. Thanks for replying to the post, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts and experiences :)
 
The first time I got drunk I was 12 years old and alone. Smoked weed soon thereafter.

But my obsession with getting high started much earlier. At age 5 I'd spin around in circles for the dizzying effect. I recall doing that a lot.
 
jasperkent said:
The first time I got drunk I was 12 years old and alone. Smoked weed soon thereafter.

But my obsession with getting high started much earlier. At age 5 I'd spin around in circles for the dizzying effect. I recall doing that a lot.
Click to expand...
its so funny that you mention the spinning part because I vividly remember doing the exact same thing *~* I would literally just spin around in a swing or on the floor until I felt sick and had to go lay down haha
 
I was smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol (not a lot, white wine mainly) before I was nine years old, parents allowed it (the drinking) when having Sunday family lunch, and I was always interested in the pills and potions for artistic use (van Gough and others) , hedonism, rebellion, medical knowledge mental and physical etc etc and social aspects partying 🥳 got on the cannabis and LSD, XTC pills, 1990-1 aswell as still boozing, ended up in the local mental health unit before I was 19 in 1996/7 18 months section no more no less fuck knows how I managed to get let out it made me mad in there. But then I was put in supported/ staffed accommodation on the outside to start learning and rejoining society, learning about safety, crossing the road for fucks sake I knew that before the green cross code ads were on television. But I needed to learn it all again, and food shopping on my own and trying to cook in still shit at it, after a couple years I went to attend a training to get employed mental health workshop making furniture, making concrete paving slabs and packing industrial components that went on for at least five years, I was back on the booze regularly but not blind drunk and still smoking tobacco only, then I progressed to live on my own and then I got a job working in the local hospital, still boozing and back to rarely having a sniff very rare as the work was serious, and sacred were the people, patients and staff, I did five years retired and went and did security for a couple of years , but I was getting drunk due to depression and got drunk and disorderly convictions, cautions first, then police station fines then court then I lost the legal right to work due to the arrests and hay ho ended up on the piss and on the XTC and cocaine and m-cat , got shitty for years and now here the start of my first year clean and not a dribbling drunkard I do drink but very cautiously I am signed off work by the doctor so can't lose a job but I don't want to be lewd drunken bastard that I was. And the end of my rant is I DONE THE SAME (reasons for getting on the narcotics) AND IT GOT MESSY, IT HAS AND WORSE FOR SO MANY PEOPLE proves DRUG'S ARE DANGEROUS tread carefully.
 
Last edited:
With all due respect, before you comment on someone else’s experience and struggles, please remember that everyone is different. The same drug affects people differently. What worked for me might not work for you. Telling people what to do might feel helpful but suggesting what to do might feel better for them. We are all fragile creatures
 
Stassi202 said:
With all due respect, before you comment on someone else’s experience and struggles, please remember that everyone is different. The same drug affects people differently. What worked for me might not work for you. Telling people what to do might feel helpful but suggesting what to do might feel better for them. We are all fragile creatures
Click to expand...
I don't mean to sound that I know anyone elses problems or situations, just that I am putting my hand up and admitting I have had problems for what ever reason and IF someone relates and it helps then that's the goal, we are all humans I know not everybody is the same but over the years users I knew agreed that they got on gear for the same, some same, and similar reasons and yes other reasons aswell, apologies I have not slept, been on the coffee and not wanting to waste time sleeping, I'll wind down now, the yo-yo effects of my bipolar and no sleep or company are showing, usually a trigger warning to do my medication and have some food, and turn my internet off for a couple of hours, sorry guess just been a bit emotionalany hyper. Have good day/night💙
 
Ex-Cracker said:
I don't mean to sound that I know anyone elses problems or situations, just that I am putting my hand up and admitting I have had problems for what ever reason and IF someone relates and it helps then that's the goal, we are all humans I know not everybody is the same but over the years users I knew agreed that they got on gear for the same, some same, and similar reasons and yes other reasons aswell, apologies I have not slept, been on the coffee and not wanting to waste time sleeping, I'll wind down now, the yo-yo effects of my bipolar and no sleep or company are showing, usually a trigger warning to do my medication and have some food, and turn my internet off for a couple of hours, sorry guess just been a bit emotionalany hyper. Have good day/night💙
Click to expand...
Omg apologize I did not mean to offend you. I am going to DM you to explain.
 
Ex-Cracker said:
I don't mean to sound that I know anyone elses problems or situations, just that I am putting my hand up and admitting I have had problems for what ever reason and IF someone relates and it helps then that's the goal, we are all humans I know not everybody is the same but over the years users I knew agreed that they got on gear for the same, some same, and similar reasons and yes other reasons aswell, apologies I have not slept, been on the coffee and not wanting to waste time sleeping, I'll wind down now, the yo-yo effects of my bipolar and no sleep or company are showing, usually a trigger warning to do my medication and have some food, and turn my internet off for a couple of hours, sorry guess just been a bit emotionalany hyper. Have good day/night💙
Click to expand...
I sent you a DM last week and again just now. Please confirm that you received them.
 
frogluvr said:
its so funny that you mention the spinning part because I vividly remember doing the exact same thing *~* I would literally just spin around in a swing or on the floor until I felt sick and had to go lay down haha
Click to expand...
Yeah, that and hyperventilating to the point of passing out. Most kids did these things a couple times and quickly tired of it. Others, like me, couldn't get enough. And we were delighted to discover the volatile fumes of various petrochemicals. We were drunks & junkies in early development.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top