Okay, so now I better understand where you are coming from in your feelings. To me this sounds a lot like depression to be totally honest with you, and with that having been said I think that you are doing well in acknowledging the reasons why you feel this way even if you don't feel comfortable admitting this in full to anyone at this point in time.
Now, while I am not a big proponent of the 12 step programs due to a multitude of factors, I have gotten some very good insight into how one might go about recovery in a way that helps alleviate a lot of the feelings that you have right now. Part of the 12 step programs involve making a list of things you'd done to harm others along with reasons for why you did them (pride/ego, sexual desires, etc.) then admit these things to yourself, your idea of a higher power, and another human being. The goal is to get these things off your chest so they no longer eat you up as much inside since they are currently bottled up. Some people admit these things to a Priest, a sponsor, or just a random stranger on the streets (because who is a homeless person going to tell anyway for example's sake.) So, I encourage you to continue working toward gaining confidence in talking to others about the things you're holding back on letting go through admissions of your guilt. Often times it is said that the reason people relapse who are in the 12 step programs is because they held back on this "searching and fearless" moral inventory. Just some thoughts for your to consider, but I am not saying this is going to miraculously resolve the issues at hand. As I said, that is just one of many ways I have come across which may be beneficial in addressing these deep dark secrets that are keeping you from embracing recovery to the fullest.
Other alternatives and ideas include cognitive behavioral approaches such as rational emotive behavioral therapy which can lead to a new way of thinking that will alleviate these emotions you have when others are trying to cheer you up. You do deserve to be reminded of who you really are as a person, and a big take away I had from my inpatient rehabilitation was from a motivational speaker who constantly reminded us that man's greatest tragedy is to think that he is his worst mistake(s) in life. That is absolutely untrue, and this is _very_ important to remember in sobriety. Keep looking at it like this, "I used to have a psychological addiction to opiates which caused me to do some pretty shitty things, but I choose to no longer do opiates today because using them only perpetuates the cycle of doing shitty things and then feeling worse than I did originally. Today I choose to be the good person I know I am, and even if I make mistakes I will not allow them to define me. Everyone makes mistakes because we are all only human. No one is perfect, and we each have our own unique flaws which is okay. This is how things are supposed to be." If you didn't feel bad about doing the bad things you did in your past, then _that_ would be concerning. But, since you acknowledge these errors in your ways, you now have the perfect opportunity to look at the thoughts that led to the emotions that led you to act in a certain way. Once you understand why you ended up doing the shitty things you did, then you can begin to explore alternative thoughts about the nature of things which will lead you to develop new, healthier ways of coping with intrusive thoughts and emotions.
These are just some thoughts that come to mind right off the top of my head, but there are plenty of other approaches as well. And, I personally believe recover is best done by utilizing multiple means to achieve the goal. No one should solely focus on just 12 step programs or CBT like REBT for example, and harm reduction may be the initial goal which you can then expand on as you grow in your attempts at becoming sober. But, ultimately, if you keep working on improving your thinking then you will have no choice but to stop using because you will no longer see a reason. That is the point at which you will be able to finally say, "I used to be an opiate addict, but today I choose to work on myself instead of using." And, that is the point at which you will be able to start helping others who are going through what you are now because you made it through the dark times successfully. Maybe the people you endeavor to help will get it right off. Maybe some of these people will relapse. But, the reality is that by even attempting to help others who are struggling you are helping yourself stay sober because it keeps the pain and suffering fresh in your mind because you are able to relate to the plight of these people you are working with. And, this is what I (and millions of other successfully recovering drug users) do to stay sober today.
I would suggest looking into Integrative Harm Reduction Therapy as well as it really helped me overcome my biggest struggles in early recovery when I was relentlessly having AA/NA pushed on me which never worked. IHRT and the multi-modal approach to recovery seemed much more logical and scientifically evidenced to be effective, so its the avenue I took to recover and so far I am still sober. So, if I can do it, then so can you as long as this is something you want for yourself. Be prepared to be uncomfortable at points because if we are comfortable we are not growing. Progress comes from stepping outside your comfort zone. Comfort zones are okay to be in sometimes, but they also keep us using.
Hopefully that all makes sense, and if you have any question or follow up comments then by all means share them. Obviously I do work and have a life outside of Bluelight, but whenever I am free I will be sure to check in and promptly respond. Talk to you some more soon hopefully. Peace.
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