Any uk people here dealing with a heroin addiction

[felixlovechild]

This is fucking unfair to your partner, and you know it.
Please accept that he doesn't want to and don't force him to. This 1 time might ruin his life forever, and you know that.
If you love him don't drag him into this world, endangering him just to feel better about yourself.
It's not going to stay at one night, you should know how subtle this shit is psychologically.

I'm one of those people who never wants to try anything, until people keep pressuring me and pressuring me, then I try and hate it, or fall into the rabbit hole like with Mescaline and just wanna try more and more. Same thing happened with MDMA. I'm glad I didn't like Opium. I know the Heroin clouds your mind here, and you're thinking in much more selfish terms than you normally would, but please consider that you might turn him into a junkie, he might OD because of this one day, who knows. Don't give me that 1 night bullshit, didn't work for you either, right?

Partner is a she

And I didn't state ANYWHERE that I am pressuring, I haven't even stated iv suggested..
I'm high exhausted had a bad day and sharing my thoughts..
Don't most of us start on H by others offering or suggesting and I'm sure there's alot here who have done the same..
I'm yet to supply anyone with H

I was just saying how lonely it is when the person who got you into it disappears and then your left with your partner not really understanding the situation and how I wish I could share it for a night so it all made sense unselfishly for her and selfishly for myself..
I'm not ashamed of having the thoughts nor sharing them

I guess no one else has gone through that..

Did anyone here actually understand what my thought process was and ever share with someone close for those reasons? If so how did it turn out?

Particularly interested in those who did in a very long term relationship...

An I obsorb all I read so thanks for the replies even if I disagree with some of them and you me

 

[JessFR]

Yeah I know what a speed ball is, like I said my mother died doing it so yeah.

I grew up surrounded by heroin and detested it and everyone on it.
Then life comes along doesn't it, then pain, then poor choices

I feel the rolling of eyes is unnessassary iv already spent the last few hours on here reading plenty of people who only tried h once lol and know of some in person myself. It's not unheard of, however rare.

Some people can try heroin once and decide not to continue. Those people are generally people just not prone to opioid addiction to start with.
Given you've said you've been using dhc for 5 years it seems unlikely that you're one of those people. Sounds more to me like this is just another step on a preexisting issue.

I don't have ZERO experience with opioids as I explained iv been on dihidracodine 30mg x8 +++ daily for 5 years.. gabapentin/pregabs/soma/
h once 8 years ago..
Before that I had a short 3 month addiction to df118s.. never felt anything as amazing as those even after afew weeks dabbling with H.

Iv had afghan pure very light in colour off the net as recommended by a friend described as strong. Bought 2 0.5 bags

I have just finished 1 bag today via chasing on foil mostly and afew bits in roll ups. So it's lasted me 7 days, the 0.5

I'm having some trouble following what you're saying. So, when you talk about using one time... what are you talking about? Seeing as you've obviously use heroin a bunch of times already?

As far as the risk to you and the amount you should use, well it doesn't matter so much how much experience you've had over your entire life but how much tolerance you have right now. If 0.5g lasts you a week, I'd classify that as a fairly low end amount of use.

As for the advice not to encourage anyone else, I won't be the first to do that either.

You wouldn't be the first person to murder someone, doesn't mean it's ok or acceptable for you to do it.

I can't be the only one in a long term relationship, who's had the thoughts and urge to show there partner what and why and make a good one off experience of it..
There not interested in drugs in general definitely different people different walk of life but they have taken a couple of things in youth an party days and never got a taste for anything other than drinking an now barely does that..
But began to smoke when they decided to try weed with me several years ago.. I'd say its the only addiction they've ever had tbh..

No I'm not looking to ruin my life nor there's
So far it's done the opposit not needed my wheelchair all week it's like a miracle.. there is cancer and ms amongst other things flying around over our heads at the minute when it comes to my health and its been nothing but hell the last 4 years particularly.

No you're not the only one. But it's still wrong.
And you can't possibly know that it will be a one off experience.

Some people, when they try opioids or heroin, that's it, they just can't help themselves and they keep wanting and taking more. You can't know who's prone to it and to what degree until they've tried it.

It's one thing if you want to do something and decide to do it, but yeah pressuring someone else is wrong.

I'm not trying to judge you, I've done many things that were very wrong because of my habit, but it IS wrong and I hope you will reconsider.

 

[December Flower]

@JessFR I realized from that one Opium binge. It was like 2 or 3 days, I suppose, and one night again a few days later. I didn't like it much, but I couldn't stop thinking about it for a month or so. But super subtly, there was nothing out of place for me back then. It's just 9 years later that I think differently on how my thoughts were steered back then.

@felixlovechild No, you would certainly not be the first one to introduce a partner to Heroin. But do you think others are correct by doing this? I've read a bunch of stories here from people who introduced loved ones to Heroin, and the numbers are certainly not in your favor that this will turn out well. I don't want to scare you, and I don't want to blame you for using, but please don't introduce others, especially if you care for them. It's just a request, I cannot control your actions, and I don't think you can really control your thought process here, as @JessFR has so clearly stated, this stuff plays with your mind, and makes you rationalize use. I wouldn't blame you if you did introduce her, I'm just asking you to please not, if you can. I think it's great that you have never introduced anyone to it so far.

 

[JessFR]

Partner is a she

And I didn't state ANYWHERE that I am pressuring, I haven't even stated iv suggested..
I'm high exhausted had a bad day and sharing my thoughts..
Don't most of us start on H by others offering or suggesting and I'm sure there's alot here who have done the same..
I'm yet to supply anyone with H

I was just saying how lonely it is when the person who got you into it disappears and then your left with your partner not really understanding the situation and how I wish I could share it for a night so it all made sense unselfishly for her and selfishly for myself..
I'm not ashamed of having the thoughts nor sharing them

I guess no one else has gone through that..

Did anyone here actually understand what my thought process was and ever share with someone close for those reasons? If so how did it turn out?

Particularly interested in those who did in a very long term relationship...

An I obsorb all I read so thanks for the replies even if I disagree with some of them and you me

Not being the first isn't a justification for anything. I'm not the first person who's stolen from a loved one to feed my heroin habit. It was still very wrong though.

Having the thoughts is not the problem, acting on them is. As you said you haven't acted on them. And I'm not saying you're a bad person simply for having these thoughts, I'm not sure I'd say you were automatically a bad person even if you did it. Yes I have had similar temptations myself. But it IS wrong. Like many things drugs compel us to do. The things we do because of our addictions, I honestly don't believe define us as bad people, but they ARE bad behaviors and good people generally feel bad when they do bad things, sooner or later.

As I said, it's not purely for your partners sake that I caution you not to do it. It's highly plausible it could become something you come to regret as well.

You also wouldn't be the first person I've known to deeply regret introducing someone else to heroin. Some people I've known it's arguably their greatest regret of their addiction.

 

[felixlovechild]

The subtle influence of opioids on a person's mind can hardly be overstated.

At the time you tend to think you're thinking rationally, but in hindsight you start to see how profoundly your addiction was influencing your behavior through this little voice justifying endless horrible actions to get your drug.

"I know it's wrong to steal and pawn their stuff... But I just need some time, I'll get it back later and make it up to them"
"I'll just do it this one time"
"I'll just do it this one time.. Again"
"I'll just have a little bit more"
"well I've had this much I might as well keep going".

The excuses and rationalizations are endless all with the goal of continuing your addiction. Until you've left nothing but a path of destruction for yourself and everyone around you. Until you finally seriously try and stop and realize just how badly you fucked up and spend endless hours analyzing how exactly it is you ended up doing so many things you knew were wrong, that you knew were horrible, manipulative and dishonest, and to people you cared about. Realizing that in hindsight, you had no idea what you were capable of. All the things you once might have said you were better than, too honest or honorable to do. Turns out you're not, not when you're using.

And all too often it starts with "I'll try it this one time". Addiction is a process that starts and maintains itself through endless small justifications and rationalizations endlessly taking you one step further down.

I respect what your saying but I haven't gone down any of those roads you described

I also think we all have individual characters I know addicts that have robbed there whole lives and it took on new levels after they started drugs..

I know when I lost my mum and chose to self medicate by becoming a raging alcoholic for 6 years at 19 (which I eventually detoxed from and ended sober in that regard for many years) and I spent the 3 4 months hooked on huge quantities of df118s an almost died in icu for 8 days
In all those years I never once stole off anyone, I didn't lie..cheat or turn anyone else onto anything I took.

I cheated myself many times that's for sure.. I let myself down, I failed to sober up every single time I tried until that last time
I wasn't my best self.. but I wasn't what you've described or alot of people describe.
Never sold anything for drink or drugs..

We all have messed up wants and thoughts when high at some point that's a certainty..

But I'm on here because I realise H is probably something that could eventually become even way out of my league and I could make awful choices instead of thinking and writing them..
I'm pretty much here to share and learn leaving my judgements at the door because iv been wrong about people before and many have about me..

The drug is the same, but we are all individuals and iv met some very functional addicts who aren't the best people but again there not stereotypical either and no one other than there closest people even know they've been one for 20 years for example

Assumptions aren't always the best way to read a person from 1-3 posts.

 

[felixlovechild]

H

Damn had to read that thread a thew times lol.. Hey and welcome @felixlovechild

Some story there. I would have a look at the subforum on this site that @MsDiz mentioned. You really sound to be in pain but H is not the way. I can't give any advice on it as I was a chaser too.

Search more around on the site before making rash decitions and so on.

Hey back thanks for the pleasant greeting and sorry if you had to read a few times it's 7am and iv not actually slept yet so I'm micronapping whilst trying to read and share whilst I have free time lol

I will check that out thank you

 

[JessFR]

I respect what your saying but I haven't gone down any of those roads you described

I also think we all have individual characters I know addicts that have robbed there whole lives and it took on new levels after they started drugs..

Maybe not yet, but it sure sounds like you're on your way.

And yeah, you're right, some people were thieves already.
A lot however aren't. A lot of people hadn't gotten into any trouble until drugs entered the picture.

Honestly these sound like exactly the rationalizations I've been talking about.

I don't want you to think that I'm trying to judge you. I say what I say because I don't want to see anyone have to go through the kinda shit I did or that I've seen many others go through.

 

[felixlovechild]

Some people can try heroin once and decide not to continue. Those people are generally people just not prone to opioid addiction to start with.
Given you've said you've been using dhc for 5 years it seems unlikely that you're one of those people. Sounds more to me like this is just another step on a preexisting issue.




I'm having some trouble following what you're saying. So, when you talk about using one time... what are you talking about? Seeing as you've obviously use heroin a bunch of times already?

As far as the risk to you and the amount you should use, well it doesn't matter so much how much experience you've had over your entire life but how much tolerance you have right now. If 0.5g lasts you a week, I'd classify that as a fairly low end amount of use.




You wouldn't be the first person to murder someone, doesn't mean it's ok or acceptable for you to do it.



No you're not the only one. But it's still wrong.
And you can't possibly know that it will be a one off experience.

Some people, when they try opioids or heroin, that's it, they just can't help themselves and they keep wanting and taking more. You can't know who's prone to it and to what degree until they've tried it.

It's one thing if you want to do something and decide to do it, but yeah pressuring someone else is wrong.

I'm not trying to judge you, I've done many things that were very wrong because of my habit, but it IS wrong and I hope you will reconsider.

Sorry I wasn't clearer

I tired h once 8 years ago a friend offered it me so I could try to understand a lifetime of my mum choosing it over me and then commuting suicide on it.
it ended there..
until 2 weeks ago where the same person offered it me again.. this time for my physical disability I have been suffering with extreme pain throughout my body amongst other things and losing mobility etc over a 5 year period, they thought as I was suicidal and at the end of my rope an no longer living a life that h might help with the pain along with the other new drugs I listed above.

The GP are the ones who have had me on Dihydracodine 30mg tabs and gabapentin and pregab and Anatryptilin for the last 4 5yrs. The rest I have listed is all new from the last few weeks bought elsewhere.

An I have finally had a rest from the pain, no wheelchair, been out the house first time in 10 months multiple times and actually felt happy. But wavy asf on all this too an minds not quite in the right place..

An no, I wouldn't be the first person to murder, or offer drugs to someone.. my only point was, I am sharing my THOUGHTS and I haven't done any pressuring or murdering or handing over drugs or stealing etc and I'm not going to persecute myself over having those thoughts, nor would I others.
Maybe I'm not articulating myself enough with this lack of sleep..

I had no troubles with you advising me not to act on my thoughts I just felt judged with the eye rolling and like i was being spoken to like I had been acting on my thoughts when I haven't.. I came here for advice not to be told I'm a bad person for my thoughts lol

It's hard to not want to share your experiences with your long term partner for all kinds of reasons..

Hopefully I'll get some replies on how that went for others I'd find that quite insightful I'm sure

And yes, your right..
I'm actually a very good person at my core and fully aware of that.. and if anything bad ever happened to my partner I wouldn't be able to live with that no. So of course, I'm here for a reason.. to find advice and learn and think and clear my head before possibly making mistakes that can't be undone. I appreciate the guidance.

To you all. Thank you.

 

[Coffeeshroom]

The only partners or support i have is on here, judgement free zone. A place where you can just do that, let go and let flow from what is inside.

I feel you

 

[JessFR]

I apologize if what I said came off overly judgy. You're welcome to express your thoughts, I think in general people are just trying to convey that introducing people to heroin is a really bad thing. If I or others are coming off rather intense about it, it's likely just that we've experience a great deal of repercussions for similar mistakes and don't wanna see others make them as well. That's how I see it anyway.

As for my eye roll comment. All I meant was that I suspect a lot of us have had a "I'll just do x this one time" and had it not be one time. Possibly many times.

 

[felixlovechild]

I

I apologize if what I said came off overly judgy. You're welcome to express your thoughts, I think in general people are just trying to convey that introducing people to heroin is a really bad thing. If I or others are coming off rather intense about it, it's likely just that we've experience a great deal of repercussions for similar mistakes and don't wanna see others make them as well. That's how I see it anyway.

As for my eye roll comment. All I meant was that I suspect a lot of us have had a "I'll just do x this one time" and had it not be one time. Possibly many times.

It's okay no worries I probably could have articulated myself better
I was just in a Pitt of despair today and sometimes you just wish your closest person could understand why your choosing the road your choosing instead of feeling misunderstood and alone.. but I should of stated its all thoughts and nothing I have actually actively done.

As for the rolling of eyes, I can imagine you have all heard "just once" plenty of times and it must be frustrating when you just want to help.

I mean my "just once" was 8 years ago and it really was.....until it wasn't lol
I guess just once, isn't good enough if you find yourself doing it for a second time any time later even if it was almost a decade.

My mother gave up H for 8 years to keep hold of me, but when she went back she went back with a vengeance.. turned to me at 15 said your an adult now you can look after yourself it's time for me time now.. and me time meant running straight back to old friends (addicts - the few who hadn't died by this point) and reignighting her addiction with turbo speed and no consideration for her life or anyone else's. She was 38 when she took her life with a leathal deadly dose of cocaine with a side of h (speedball)
Turned my world upside down, my addictive nature reared its head immensely after that, I didn't understand my mother until after she died and I developed my own addictions.. and iv always felt very guilty and apologetic for judging her so harshly whilst I was growing up... I guess that's another reason I get the thoughts of wishing my nearest could just understand me and not just see it all for what the media and streets show.. we all come from all walks of life for all different reasons and we don't all die or hurt others.. but I guess statistically we are all more likely to do those things, than not.. especially if deep into heroin addiction.

0.5 plus afew smokes of my friends last week has lasted me 1 week. You say that seems low use. I'm glad to hear that.. I have 0.5 left and another 0.5 on the way and iv got some serious contemplating to do about how far this is going to go and everything in-between..
Hopefully I'm in the right place to guide myself and make some better choices

 

[felixlovechild]

The only partners or support i have is on here, judgement free zone. A place where you can just do that, let go and let flow from what is inside.

I feel you

I feel you Coffee, I only have 1-3 people in real life that I can say certain things too..

My best friend and ex of 20 years who's just found out about the 2 weeks of H and hit the roof and needs a few days to think and decide how to process the information.. an if she's even going to continue a friendship with friend number 2 after this

The other friend who gave me the H who is her good friend of 30 years and mine of 20.. who's in the middle with a serious 20 year addiction

And my partner who's extremely unknowledgable and nieve when it comes to drugs all drugs are bad an she has no understanding of what's happening and having a hard time adjusting

So My head is utterly up my arse I'm taking so much stuff last few weeks, and I remembered this from many years ago and thought I have to do something to see hear an share with people who understand or can empathise

Im glad you have bluelight you deserve companionship we are social creatures..
(An that's coming from someone who has social phobia with deep dislike for humanity) please tell me you have a pet... animals can give you so much more than humans at times hehe

 

[JessFR]

I some ways it might be better not to have someone who really understand your habit.

What I mean is, I was using for quite a long time before things got really REALLY bad. Like, thieving homeless sex worker bad.

It was when I got together with another heroin addict with a similar level of use to my own that things got really bad really fast. I mean both of us cared for the other, but we were terrible for each other because our addictions brought out the worst in each other. Instead of one voice rationalizing shitty things now there's 2.

I don't begrudge him, to this day I would say I care about him. But us meeting was a terrible influence on both of us.

 

[felixlovechild]

I some ways it might be better not to have someone who really understand your habit.

What I mean is, I was using for quite a long time before things got really REALLY bad. Like, thieving homeless sex worker bad.

It was when I got together with another heroin addict with a similar level of use to my own that things got really bad really fast. I mean both of us cared for the other, but we were terrible for each other because our addictions brought out the worst in each other. Instead of one voice rationalizing shitty things now there's 2.

I don't begrudge him, to this day I would say I care about him. But us meeting was a terrible influence on both of us.

It's true, double edge sword for sure.

My best friend and the guy that was engaged to my mum when she died, got together 4 years ago.. he was the one who supplied the copious amounts of cocaine and had a serious habit.
When she died he swore off it for 7 years, said he would never go back.

Just before he got with my best friend and ex (we was together from 15 to 22) he started using again and within a few months of dating her he had her addicted to coke and they've both been using in daily since with a big drink addiction each to boot.

When she talks of giving up, she does well for a very short period and then is high again because he is 20 years older than us in his mid 50s and has no desire to change.. they feed off each other.

It's so much harder to stop unhealthy habits of all kinds when there's 2 of you egging each other on or just waiting for who to snap first..
Iv been through it myself when I was alcoholic and with food, smoking, weed when a teen (having an ED since early teens)

Iv always been proud of my partner for not giving into peer pressures when we have been around it an standing her ground and never feeling the need to experiment nor escape.
I guess that's one good thing that can happen when someone actually has great parents and a lovely upbringing (it helps) lol also its nice that for 6 years whatever addictions or habits you develop are your own and you have someone there possibly supporting you instead of actively trying to entice you to fail for there own gain.

I did see the kind of relationship your describing first hand as a child with a few of my mothers boyfriends, my mother used to curse the fact that I had such a photographic memory lol "why do you have to remember so much as far back as 16 months old your not normal" and it kind of kept her in this perpetual state of guilt knowing I resented her and remembered everything she had done that alot of children wouldn't have remembered.

I can't imagine having to go to such extreme lengths to feed an addiction, but we are all just 1 or 2 steps away from bankruptcy and homelessness.. alot of people don't realise how easy it is.
Iv met so many people who just seem to think homeless people were always there and prostitutes have a choice..
Majority of us do have free will yes but sometimes that feels very far from choice

Non of my mums ex boyfriends who were users were any good at all, there core was rotten.. atleast your not filled with bitterness twisting you up inside, but it sounds like you should keep him in the past where he belongs. I'm sure you deserve better.

The flip side of the coin is being with someone for 6 years who can't understand your ptsd/bipolar/addiction issues what a messed up abusive childhood is and can do, and why from there I lived a destructive abusive teen years early 20s constantly trying to die literally or risking my life wrecklessly, never got to meet my mum to see where alot of me comes from, just lucky enough that I had picked myself up massively by the time I met my partner and I rejected all recreational Drugs, found total re control of alcohol only choosing to have a social tipple many months apart was regular, just making as many good choices as possible... fell inlove for me at my best which still wasn't a functional human being, but then after 2ish years I got struck down with this mysterious pain and illness - controlled my meds miraculously for years to avoid abuse, the isolation and pain begins to send me daft.. I invite old friends into my life, start abusing meds one off for social engagement.. pain rapidly gets worse naturally.. I want to die I can't live like this, she does everything she can for me but has no real experience with severe complex mental health either nevermine me going from bouncy and healthy to crippled and bedbound, fast forward few years later.. im searching the net constantly for drugs but can't understand how to source it securely, and finally I'm offered heroin and i jump on it..
Fast forward I keep saying 2 weeks but it may be more 3 it's 2 to 3.. and iv been taking
Heroin 0.5g+ foil, cig
Ketamine 3 types Sniff
Modifinil to wake me up
Speed abit same reason
Clonazapam 2mg now an then
Xanax 1mg same
Drank about 4 bottles of pink gin in last few weeks
Weed green sometimes
Pregab everyday
Gabapentin sometimes
Dihydracodine everyday
Lorazapam sometimea
Soma sometimes
LSD Blotters once but got more
Stopped smoking for 70+ days 2+ months as I'm on cusp of COPD that's gone out the window chain smoking needed tobacco for weed and H
Anatryptilin 25g-50g every day
Probably forgot something my heads hard to remember things and concentrate.. but we have both definitely been hit by a massive reality bus! She's swaying towards being tempted to dabble too cause we are on massively different pages and think we are desperate to rebond but can't with all the moods flying around and iv been the same

Before this 2 months ago we decided to do everything in our power with all the hospital specialists I'm under and try desperately to get me back to fit health etc so we could look into fostering full time to do something good with our lives. I'm full time disabled at home atm my partner is a carer goes around old peoples homes etc almost about to sort mortgage and talking of marriage etc

An in 3 weeks Everything's turned upside down but there's so many positives with me actually getting out of bed, out the house.. seeing friends, being in less pain etc which is all good for her too.. but the drug consumptions triggering my mania an well its 9.30am now I haven't slept I'm snappy confused groggy.. telling my life story to anyone who'll care to listen.. I think I'll stop here iv probably rambled on too much as it is but yes I'll be spending alot of time on here TRYING to read more than I talk now all that's off my chest and take in whatever I should take in

Thanks anyone who got through all that your a warrior

 

[felixlovechild]

I some ways it might be better not to have someone who really understand your habit.

What I mean is, I was using for quite a long time before things got really REALLY bad. Like, thieving homeless sex worker bad.

It was when I got together with another heroin addict with a similar level of use to my own that things got really bad really fast. I mean both of us cared for the other, but we were terrible for each other because our addictions brought out the worst in each other. Instead of one voice rationalizing shitty things now there's 2.

I don't begrudge him, to this day I would say I care about him. But us meeting was a terrible influence on both of us.

You or anyone else want to share your story's I'd appreciate reading them also

 

[Coffeeshroom]

H is a topic that is a nack and forth struggle for so many...