Errol77
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2015
- Messages
- 12
Here goes....
My personality? Hmmm a rebel at heart but just cheeky and not overly criminal i guess. However I have no willpower whatsoever.
Came from good family, lived and survived through the best rave years dabbling with anything except heroin and crack. That was the teen years in early to mid nineties...
Twenties got forced to stop raving by the wife, to which i agreed as it was getting a bit daft going to parties and raves and not coming home for days...
End of 20's and up to mid 30's... had a car crash and couldnt walk for ages... Developed a problem with Zolpidem tartrate 10's. By the time i realised, i was necking loads on a night... In my head i blamed my legs for being in pain and having these awful metal fixators on them, then i even started to blame the wife for being boring and thats why i was taking em. anyway i beat it first attempt by cold turkey, drove me nuts tho stopping that ... Me and mrs then split mid 30 point. Not for drugs or anything tho, we just hated each other.
So....
35, divorced and with the sale of the house gave me a little bit of the equity. Living at my mothers who didnt want any money for board, with a good job and no debt whatsover, bumper bank balance and single, hahaha a total dream life...
So then I met a girl who was younger, beautiful and really fun to party with...
(Hmmm wonder where this story will go!)
Once we knew we shared a common interest in rec's which happened by accident. Thats the point in my life story it all changed.
Now I hadnt done any recs in years, and one night whilst out having a drink, she went the toilet which happened to be where i was standing near. Anyway i waited for a min then followed her in, with the thinking of 'surprise! lets shag in here'. Anyway i heard her snorting... looked over the cubicle and my eyes lit up! My ex never really let me do coke if she found out it was a dogs life for ages. Anyway now i knew that she liked to party like i did, and once again i was re-introduced to cocaine. My last dabble with it, was a dabble and that was all. I prefered mdma plain and simple.
.......
Anyone recognise this next bit?
So the partying started...
Every friday turned to every fri and sat, and then sun (after all its the weekend!). Then the wednesday session appeared (but not at work tho so were fine), followed by the morning pick up snorts for a monday following the sunday sesh. Then, Ah fuck it, whats a tuesday anyway, Ill just not do it thursday. At least then i can rest for the parties on weekend. O shit thursdays arent too bad lets party... fuck it ill do it every day after all im living life to the full, i just wont do at it work). Then finally because my party lifestyle had isolated me from my work colleagues as i was basically on a comedown every shift, sadly started to do it at work.
My Longest binge?... i mean proper binge was last christmas, when i had 3 weeks off work, to which i called in sick just because i wanted some time off, because its christmas and i dont want to be going to work over christmas, theres too many parties to working eh! We partied everyday and it was not your £20/£30/£50 bags... it was the 1/z and 1/4oz bags, these would be gone in a night. i was like a dyson vacuum cleaner. funny i remember the thickness of the lines when i started when i met her and the size of them now.
I absolutely battered it. My kidneys were hurting from drinking, and i was having nosebleeds for as little as just breathing through my nose. Even the way i talked for some reason changed as my nose was constantly blocked. Then started with heart trouble... in the afternoon (as in; by the time we would actually be able to get to sleep from the previous nights session) i would wake up with dizzyness and feeling unwell. Feeling my pulse i knew id done damage to my heart. It was only a matter of time. I was having intermittent bradycardias for hours. (Bradycardia means slow heart rate). Luckily for me i work in a medical type area, so i knew what to expect. The lowest it went was 29 bpm for about 90 mins. I couldnt lift my head up. I would just lie there with my legs up trying to get my bp higher. I lost my radial pulse that time (when you cant feel the pulse in your wrist then your blood pressure is too low). I needed to go the hospital but couldnt. i wont say why. I was getting really ill after these sessions. I would sweat constantly and excessively and would be grey. If youve ever seen someone have a classic heart attack. Then thats what i would look like. Anyway even with that happening to my heart, it didnt stop me from partying! Fuck it, ill just snort till my heart rate increases to acceptable limits!!
The rest you can guess... the money... well i blew it all. 35k approx. Cocaine you are my demon.
My family and real friends... i isolated myself from them and caused loads of trouble. Cocaine you are my demon.
My daughter.... i partied earlier and earlier each time so basically.. she didnt have the dad she could go to and who would take her out all the time. No now had the dad who was partying all the time and left to her own devices. Cocaine you are my demon.
My house... well i have record turntables, lasers, kareoke machines, even a smoke machine and disco lights... I suppose my positive here is the house actually. I havent let it go in disrepair and its always immaculate.. of late though it isnt! Cocaine you are my demon.
Mental health? .... Finding hard to trust anyone at moment and seem to be going through paranoid periods...Self regret and self loathing, still there. Other than that my brain is working fine. Cocaine you are my demon
So, where am i? ah, im 38 now and clean, having split from party girl 6 months ago. The cause ... well cocaine obviously and bizarrely i was blaming her inside my own head for me having the problem. The problem was my own doing. I was old enough and ironically should have known better! However it was a blessing because she was amazing to be around when partying, she was the best looking woman id ever been with, and the best shag... but that was about it. Lets say she was fiery and quite the bully. I used to hate the belittling if was arguing, but would always forgive, cause were partying tonight!!
Anyway the day is today... am on my own in the house in the kitchen on the laptop and i have now been looking at the phone since 6 yesterday arguing with myself. Should i, should i not, a little 20 wont hurt.... the usual self convincing shit...
So here i am ....... My name is M and am proud to announce that i last snorted 3 weeks yesterday.
Living with my teenage daughter is hard work, keeps me occupied tho. Unfortunately when am on my own, like when shes at her mothers house. I struggle.
I have done it on my own by basically locking myself away and eating i.e non stop.
However with struggling today, thought i would google for some kind of support. Dont like to admit or speak about this 'in real life' and the shame kills me to admit it by speaking. So a forum is my outlet. My job or my family and friends are not the place for support. I hope to make amends some day soon (one step tho!) Anyway i Found this place and i reckon this forum will help me when the bitch enters my head.
Haha i have been typing this for what seems hours and reminiscing, which is now making it really hard not to pick up the phone.
My personality? Hmmm a rebel at heart but just cheeky and not overly criminal i guess. However I have no willpower whatsoever.
Came from good family, lived and survived through the best rave years dabbling with anything except heroin and crack. That was the teen years in early to mid nineties...
Twenties got forced to stop raving by the wife, to which i agreed as it was getting a bit daft going to parties and raves and not coming home for days...
End of 20's and up to mid 30's... had a car crash and couldnt walk for ages... Developed a problem with Zolpidem tartrate 10's. By the time i realised, i was necking loads on a night... In my head i blamed my legs for being in pain and having these awful metal fixators on them, then i even started to blame the wife for being boring and thats why i was taking em. anyway i beat it first attempt by cold turkey, drove me nuts tho stopping that ... Me and mrs then split mid 30 point. Not for drugs or anything tho, we just hated each other.
So....
35, divorced and with the sale of the house gave me a little bit of the equity. Living at my mothers who didnt want any money for board, with a good job and no debt whatsover, bumper bank balance and single, hahaha a total dream life...
So then I met a girl who was younger, beautiful and really fun to party with...
(Hmmm wonder where this story will go!)
Once we knew we shared a common interest in rec's which happened by accident. Thats the point in my life story it all changed.
Now I hadnt done any recs in years, and one night whilst out having a drink, she went the toilet which happened to be where i was standing near. Anyway i waited for a min then followed her in, with the thinking of 'surprise! lets shag in here'. Anyway i heard her snorting... looked over the cubicle and my eyes lit up! My ex never really let me do coke if she found out it was a dogs life for ages. Anyway now i knew that she liked to party like i did, and once again i was re-introduced to cocaine. My last dabble with it, was a dabble and that was all. I prefered mdma plain and simple.
.......
Anyone recognise this next bit?
So the partying started...
Every friday turned to every fri and sat, and then sun (after all its the weekend!). Then the wednesday session appeared (but not at work tho so were fine), followed by the morning pick up snorts for a monday following the sunday sesh. Then, Ah fuck it, whats a tuesday anyway, Ill just not do it thursday. At least then i can rest for the parties on weekend. O shit thursdays arent too bad lets party... fuck it ill do it every day after all im living life to the full, i just wont do at it work). Then finally because my party lifestyle had isolated me from my work colleagues as i was basically on a comedown every shift, sadly started to do it at work.
My Longest binge?... i mean proper binge was last christmas, when i had 3 weeks off work, to which i called in sick just because i wanted some time off, because its christmas and i dont want to be going to work over christmas, theres too many parties to working eh! We partied everyday and it was not your £20/£30/£50 bags... it was the 1/z and 1/4oz bags, these would be gone in a night. i was like a dyson vacuum cleaner. funny i remember the thickness of the lines when i started when i met her and the size of them now.
I absolutely battered it. My kidneys were hurting from drinking, and i was having nosebleeds for as little as just breathing through my nose. Even the way i talked for some reason changed as my nose was constantly blocked. Then started with heart trouble... in the afternoon (as in; by the time we would actually be able to get to sleep from the previous nights session) i would wake up with dizzyness and feeling unwell. Feeling my pulse i knew id done damage to my heart. It was only a matter of time. I was having intermittent bradycardias for hours. (Bradycardia means slow heart rate). Luckily for me i work in a medical type area, so i knew what to expect. The lowest it went was 29 bpm for about 90 mins. I couldnt lift my head up. I would just lie there with my legs up trying to get my bp higher. I lost my radial pulse that time (when you cant feel the pulse in your wrist then your blood pressure is too low). I needed to go the hospital but couldnt. i wont say why. I was getting really ill after these sessions. I would sweat constantly and excessively and would be grey. If youve ever seen someone have a classic heart attack. Then thats what i would look like. Anyway even with that happening to my heart, it didnt stop me from partying! Fuck it, ill just snort till my heart rate increases to acceptable limits!!
The rest you can guess... the money... well i blew it all. 35k approx. Cocaine you are my demon.
My family and real friends... i isolated myself from them and caused loads of trouble. Cocaine you are my demon.
My daughter.... i partied earlier and earlier each time so basically.. she didnt have the dad she could go to and who would take her out all the time. No now had the dad who was partying all the time and left to her own devices. Cocaine you are my demon.
My house... well i have record turntables, lasers, kareoke machines, even a smoke machine and disco lights... I suppose my positive here is the house actually. I havent let it go in disrepair and its always immaculate.. of late though it isnt! Cocaine you are my demon.
Mental health? .... Finding hard to trust anyone at moment and seem to be going through paranoid periods...Self regret and self loathing, still there. Other than that my brain is working fine. Cocaine you are my demon
So, where am i? ah, im 38 now and clean, having split from party girl 6 months ago. The cause ... well cocaine obviously and bizarrely i was blaming her inside my own head for me having the problem. The problem was my own doing. I was old enough and ironically should have known better! However it was a blessing because she was amazing to be around when partying, she was the best looking woman id ever been with, and the best shag... but that was about it. Lets say she was fiery and quite the bully. I used to hate the belittling if was arguing, but would always forgive, cause were partying tonight!!
Anyway the day is today... am on my own in the house in the kitchen on the laptop and i have now been looking at the phone since 6 yesterday arguing with myself. Should i, should i not, a little 20 wont hurt.... the usual self convincing shit...
So here i am ....... My name is M and am proud to announce that i last snorted 3 weeks yesterday.
Living with my teenage daughter is hard work, keeps me occupied tho. Unfortunately when am on my own, like when shes at her mothers house. I struggle.
I have done it on my own by basically locking myself away and eating i.e non stop.
However with struggling today, thought i would google for some kind of support. Dont like to admit or speak about this 'in real life' and the shame kills me to admit it by speaking. So a forum is my outlet. My job or my family and friends are not the place for support. I hope to make amends some day soon (one step tho!) Anyway i Found this place and i reckon this forum will help me when the bitch enters my head.
Haha i have been typing this for what seems hours and reminiscing, which is now making it really hard not to pick up the phone.
