Mental Health Any men with experience of self harm? Thread is now open to people of any gender who experience self harm and need somewhere to discuss this.

[Eligiu]

Been 3-4 weeks now of going to the GP clinic every week for my burn, next appointment is Friday. They're happy with how it's healing, it's bleeding now which means there is good blood supply which is a massive improvement on the zero blood supply there was before. The dressings I was given are so helpful. I am so lucky I live in a country where I can go to the emergency department with a third degree burn and get sent to the hospital burns unit the next day, they'll assess it and dress it, then send me on my way with $250 worth of ridiculously good dressings at zero cost to myself.

The doctors who have been checking in on me while the nurses dress it have all been nice (my GP is overseas at the moment) and none of them have made any negative remarks about it being from self harm.

I found out the other day that my GP clinic is no longer 'bulk billing' anymore which is where the public health system pays for appointments for low income people. I freaked out, because I have to see my GP twice a month at least, sometimes I forget to mention something and do a telehealth with him the same week I see him, and with the burn dressings that is an appointment per week for months. I don't have an option to see another GP either, he's managed my substance use during a time it should have killed me, and he knew nothing about substance use disorders back then and did all the research on his own just to help me, never judged me for being an IV user and gave me harm reduction advice about it, manages my complex mental health with oversight from my psychiatrist, knows about eating disorders, specifically ARFID which I have, autism, is super compassionate about self harm and non judgemental, is sensitive and uses the correct terminology for treating transgender patients, and he knows my trauma history which I disclosed to him in full when I applied for government disability funding and he read my statement of lived experience. I don't think another GP like him exists, he even once gave me $10 or $20 out of his own wallet when I was homeless and hadn't eaten for 3-4 days. There's not one single important issue I've asked him to help me with that he hasn't done even if he knew nothing about it, he would just tell me to come back in 2 weeks so he could find out.

While I got my burn dressed today I asked about the new changes and they said the gap (fee) for students and concession is $12 or so, which I think is manageable.

I just cannot imagine going to a different clinic and not knowing for sure that they would deal with my self harm in a professional and compassionate way. It would not help me. My GP once sat in the treatment room with me while I waited for the nurse to come on his lunch break just so he could ask why I did it to myself because he didn't understand it, and when I explained it to him he said it actually did make a lot of sense. I do not know what I will do if the gap is more than that.

 

[Eligiu]

It's too painful to write of why but most of the times it was related to my ex and feeling powerless etc. If I had the balls to keep going I would be thumbless just now. It was too sore tho and I stopped. Have a small scar or my thumb now where I sliced it (the thought in mind about not being able to play piano again etc. I have some minor scars on my arm but you can't notice them as they weren't even deep. I 'self harm' sometimes to stop from dissociating by digging my nail into my hand to focus and stay present - which I'm working on with my psychologist to have better techniques to deal with this as I didn't even know this was a form of self-harm and it seems the only thing to keep me present sometimes without being really obvious (felt a bit melo-dramatic to me calling it self harm but I'm no Dr)
I used to punch myself too (actually worried that between my ex and me I've gave myself some minor damage should really ask for a scan - but my self destructive ways don't want it/too depressed to really care) the punching myself was more due to the ex... Long story and too painful to write...but one time I couldn't walk straight and was dizzy for quite a bit after. Then I nearly got knocked out when I headbutted the wall and had a massive lump on my skull. I've never been diagnosed with anything other than gad(years ago) and cptsd just recently and not on any meds. Another thing I used to do was Detroy the things I owned that I really loved e.g. my old acoustic guitar got wrecked and I smashed my TV once by throwing my phone at it which also broke at the same time. Insanity...or well frustration and extreme pain.
Thankfully this was all at the height of the old relationship I was in and haven't self-harmed since.... physically anyway (unless u count the nail thing to stay in my body)

cPTSD can cause a lot of people to self harm because of the feelings of self blame and guilt that come along with it. Are you currently receiving any specialist therapy for this diagnosis? I got lucky, as my first clinical psychologist I got referred to in 2016 specialises in developmental trauma specifically so it works well for me but really if you have cPTSD, not just any psychologist will do. Even someone who treats it like normal PTSD won't be doing you right.

Also, we have a thread in the mental health sub forum I also started which is a cPTSD megathread. It's got resources, and contributions from other forum members about elements of the disorder where I've tried to pull things together that I've found helpful online.

 

[Eligiu]

It's too painful to write of why but most of the times it was related to my ex and feeling powerless etc. If I had the balls to keep going I would be thumbless just now. It was too sore tho and I stopped. Have a small scar or my thumb now where I sliced it (the thought in mind about not being able to play piano again etc. I have some minor scars on my arm but you can't notice them as they weren't even deep. I 'self harm' sometimes to stop from dissociating by digging my nail into my hand to focus and stay present - which I'm working on with my psychologist to have better techniques to deal with this as I didn't even know this was a form of self-harm and it seems the only thing to keep me present sometimes without being really obvious (felt a bit melo-dramatic to me calling it self harm but I'm no Dr)
I used to punch myself too (actually worried that between my ex and me I've gave myself some minor damage should really ask for a scan - but my self destructive ways don't want it/too depressed to really care) the punching myself was more due to the ex... Long story and too painful to write...but one time I couldn't walk straight and was dizzy for quite a bit after. Then I nearly got knocked out when I headbutted the wall and had a massive lump on my skull. I've never been diagnosed with anything other than gad(years ago) and cptsd just recently and not on any meds. Another thing I used to do was Detroy the things I owned that I really loved e.g. my old acoustic guitar got wrecked and I smashed my TV once by throwing my phone at it which also broke at the same time. Insanity...or well frustration and extreme pain.
Thankfully this was all at the height of the old relationship I was in and haven't self-harmed since.... physically anyway (unless u count the nail thing to stay in my body)

cPTSD can cause a lot of people to self harm because of the feelings of self blame and guilt that come along with it. Are you currently receiving any specialist therapy for this diagnosis? I got lucky, as my first clinical psychologist I got referred to in 2016 specialises in developmental trauma specifically so it works well for me but really if you have cPTSD, not just any psychologist will do. Even someone who treats it like normal PTSD won't be doing you right.

Also, we have a thread in the mental health sub forum I also started which is a cPTSD megathread. It's got resources, and contributions from other forum members about elements of the disorder where I've tried to pull things together that I've found helpful online. Feel free to have a look if you think it will be useful.

 

[Eligiu]

@Eligiu thanks a lot!!
I will check it out. I had heard of PTSD and cptsd but don't tend to read about it a lot cause I'm depressed about having it (if that even makes sense lol)
I'm with a specialist now just had two sessions so far! He's a trauma specialist and also worked in addiciton psychology and it's long term so I'm in the right hands I hope. I'll ask him to remind me of his background again maybe lol.
And yeah when it hits I feel really ashamed and feel like self harming but I don't which leads me to wanting to self-medicate with something which for the most part I have been avoiding cause I don't want a new habit - psychologist said short term fixes especially don't work in my case because cptsd keeps coming back, however it's easier said than done.

I actually denied I had PTSD for like, between 2016 and getting initially diagnosed until 2019 when I did a freedom of information request to see if I had a file from the department of child protection.

I literally told myself if I didn't get a file back that 'i made everything up for attention because I wanted sympathy from people, and an excuse for my drug addiction, my dad was perfect and I was a lying piece of shit' and I desperately wanted that to be the truth because that would mean the cPTSD would at least go away because that year it was utterly debilitating.

However, I did get a file back and I didn't plan for that, which spiralled me a lot and it took attending an 8 week men's group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse the next year at the end of the year for me to make much progress.

That has been the single most helpful type of trauma treatment for me, that group and the monthly catch ups I still attend. Finally I have a place where people truly understand, and they don't just offer sympathy. Like, they get it.

I would really suggest finding a group like that when you feel ready enough, or something similar. They can be immensely helpful. my cPTSD used to cripple me, I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't hug male friends or let them hug me, I couldn't trust anyone (I still struggle with this a lot), I dissociated frequently, had painful shame attacks often, night terrors, emotional flashbacks, and I wasn't even able to go out and hang out with friends properly due to hypervigilance. I remember one birthday I booked a board game cafe, somewhere I expected to be nice and quiet but halfway through our session a huge group of 20-30 people came in. They were loud as hell and suddenly I couldn't stay seated for more than 10 minutes before needing to rush outside to smoke or piss. My friends kept taking it in turns coming out to stand and chat with me then one time I went back in and a friend took my chair which faced the door, and left hers which backs faced the door. I wasn't able to even sit down because my back would be to a door so for the final 15 min I pretended to look at the board games on sale. The next night I slept at a friend's house who was there and was like 'its not fucking fair man, I picked that place instead of a pub or a club because I wanted a nice quiet place to sit and relax with my closest mates and this shit stops me even from doing that, I was outside smoking for 3/4 or so of the time we were there and when I was inside I wasn't paying attention to any of you, I was focussing on the other group. I just wanted to enjoy my birthday with you guys and I can't even do that' and I was so fucking disheartened about that experience.

But I'm not like that anymore, I can tell you that with the right therapy it really, really does get better. I just want you to know that.

 

[Higherfocus420]

there have only been two reasons I have harmed my self though I think it would be different for others.

to punish my self so as not to do something again (which often does the exact opposite as I have tied the memory with pain which is a strong feeling)

because I was a little shit and could not get my way and hoped those I wanted to do what I want would feel sorry for me.

both of these though not healthy are easy fixes.

when someone is using harm like a drug to cover the pain with more pain as a distraction well thats another story altogether and really needs professional help I think.

please never think something is wrong with you if this happens just know you are special and worth saving and please get help.

I've also self harmed because rage I wanted to punch my ex girlfriend but I would never do that so instead I picked up a gillitene knife and used it like a saw and cut mybarm it grazed my main attery I was lucky to survive had to get stitches it was like a scene from saw

 

[December Flower]

i read as a kid that nazi would pull peoples finger nails out with pliers and make them write letters...

that's rather "harmless" stuff the Nazis did.

the protocol for new arrivals at concentration camps was the Appell, where they would have to stand still for 3-4 days in the yard, with very thin or no clothing, often being attacked by dogs, beaten, and so on. If one were to fail they would be killed on the spot or hung upside down on these torturing poles until death or near death.

there's thousands of these stories and protocols we learned at school. They would usually stick needles under the finger- and toenails, it's all pretty gruesome, but that's more of a Gestapo protocol, so they would probably have been coerced letters/documents. This is not to say that the Totenkopf SS wouldn't have done this

In the concentration camps, the Totenkopf SS did much more fucked up things, one of the worst I find the girl(she was like 11 12) who was forced to kill her mother and her mother actually urged her on to do it, or this female officer that made her dog rip apart a pregnant woman, or all the hundreds upon hundreds of things doctor Mengele and other doctors did, because he was working on quote "essentially dead material", so he tested out human limits, as in "how much cold until you die?" "how much heat?" "how long without..." "how long can a newborn survive in water?", there's literally hundreds of these.

In retrospect my school curriculum was quite fucked up

 

[lonelyDude]

I've also self harmed because rage I wanted to punch my ex girlfriend but I would never do that so instead I picked up a gillitene knife and used it like a saw and cut mybarm it grazed my main attery I was lucky to survive had to get stitches it was like a scene from saw

I think that is truly a very healthy reaction.

it shows that even in the anger of the moment you are aware of what you believe in and can be so disgusted in our human condition that you would rather hurt your self than force your self on another.

a little crazy with the sawing shit but all in all I think that sounds like you have the making of a very good person.

not something I would be ashamed of but still something to keep in mind.

rage fear we all feel them and I have also at times been unable to control them too.

this gets better with age and practice for sure.

dont be ashamed of this see it as even though you were in the eye of the storm you showed compassion for others.

 

[Eligiu]

Reviving this to see if it's still necessary- not exclusively for men to answer.

I have come to realise that I have a really difficult time completely stopping all forms of self harm. I have a habit of when one is sort of being managed, I just jump to another one. And another. And another.

My behaviour assessment report listen 15 behaviours of concern. That's unreal. I don't understand why I have to have this problem where my brain will search for ANY way at all to self harm.

At the moment my drug use is the main form of it. I have thankfully stopped doing the one that gives me a lot of shame. And I am thankfully currently burn free, which is nice.

I hope that stays like that.

 

[RUC4]

Reviving this to see if it's still necessary- not exclusively for men to answer.

I have come to realise that I have a really difficult time completely stopping all forms of self harm. I have a habit of when one is sort of being managed, I just jump to another one. And another. And another.

My behaviour assessment report listen 15 behaviours of concern. That's unreal. I don't understand why I have to have this problem where my brain will search for ANY way at all to self harm.

At the moment my drug use is the main form of it. I have thankfully stopped doing the one that gives me a lot of shame. And I am thankfully currently burn free, which is nice.

I hope that stays like that.

I definitely think this post has a place now as much as it did then. Revive Revive.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Yes, but not for a few years now. People don't think of the aftermath. My arms are covered in cars, particularly ny left where I made a 5 inch long vertical slit down to the bone. I used to be too embarrassed to wear short sleeves, but I have gotten over that and don't really care anymore if people judge (nobody has, or, at least, nobody has SAID anything to me).

 

[Eligiu]

Yes, but not for a few years now. People don't think of the aftermath. My arms are covered in cars, particularly ny left where I made a 5 inch long vertical slit down to the bone. I used to be too embarrassed to wear short sleeves, but I have gotten over that and don't really care anymore if people judge (nobody has, or, at least, nobody has SAID anything to me).

Yeah, I got almost full tattoo sleeves to try and obscure my copious amounts of scars. The sleeves are all a bunch of individual separate tattoos and doing that also worked in the sense that I ran out of real estate on one arm. My right arm has taken a fucking hammering this past 12 months from burns.

There's not any point me actively trying to hide it. I did for a long time. But at this stage, if it's fresh I will make sure I have it dressed appropriately and I'll usually wear a compression sleeve over that arm to make it nondescript.

In terms of when they're healed, well. It's pretty unavoidable that people see them. The burns are really bad scars.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Yeah, I got almost full tattoo sleeves to try and obscure my copious amounts of scars. The sleeves are all a bunch of individual separate tattoos and doing that also worked in the sense that I ran out of real estate on one arm. My right arm has taken a fucking hammering this past 12 months from burns.

There's not any point me actively trying to hide it. I did for a long time. But at this stage, if it's fresh I will make sure I have it dressed appropriately and I'll usually wear a compression sleeve over that arm to make it nondescript.

In terms of when they're healed, well. It's pretty unavoidable that people see them. The burns are really bad scars.

(I clicked "like" in sympathy, not because I'm happy about your situation)

Yeah, if you currently self-harm, I'd advise keeping it covered until it heals 'cause fresh wounds - in my experience - definitely draw attention. If I had a penny for everytime when I was activity self-harming, someone I was talking to would literally grab my arm and say something like "no more of this" or something like "I care"....I mean, I know they mean well, but I hated it.

 

[Eligiu]

(I clicked "like" in sympathy, not because I'm happy about your situation)

Yeah, if you currently self-harm, I'd advise keeping it covered until it heals 'cause fresh wounds - in my experience - definitely draw attention. If I had a penny for everytime when I was activity self-harming, someone I was talking to would literally grab my arm and say something like "no more of this" or something like "I care"....I mean, I know they mean well, but I hated it.

Yeah, Christ that makes me remember one of the few times I went on a date with a girl and she had a SH history and when I arrived and took my jacket off she grabbed my arm and literally started stroking it saying she was sorry it happened.

I was like. Uhhande, wench.

Then one time in German class some dumb girl just straight up loud as shit was like 'what are all those straight lines all over your arms' and my at the time friend had to tell her to stfu.

 

[Foreigner]

I find it weird that the thread title says "now open to any gender." Why even bother saying that? Anyway...

For me the root of self-harm was not wanting to be this. I would actually get angry and yell into the void that I don't want to be this... this construct, this form, this species, this whatever you want to call it.

Then one day decades later I awoke to the fact that I am not this, and all the frustration was having waa just learning about this truth through contrast.

At this point I'm just biding my time on this miserable planet until I get to not be here anymore. No point in sugar coating it. But you don't have to hurt yourself over it either. You can create any purpose or meaning you like and use that as a sort of program to live by until you get off this rock. The mind-body is relatively easy to program as long as it's something feel-good.

 

[Eligiu]

I find it weird that the thread title says "now open to any gender." Why even bother saying that? Anyway...

For me the root of self-harm was not wanting to be this. I would actually get angry and yell into the void that I don't want to be this... this construct, this form, this species, this whatever you want to call it.

Then one day decades later I awoke to the fact that I am not this, and all the frustration was having waa just learning about this truth through contrast.

At this point I'm just biding my time on this miserable planet until I get to not be here anymore. No point in sugar coating it. But you don't have to hurt yourself over it either. You can create any purpose or meaning you like and use that as a sort of program to live by until you get off this rock. The mind-body is relatively easy to program as long as it's something feel-good.

Originally the thread was titled 'do any men have experience of self harm' due to me wanting to connect with other men with this experience.

At one stage later on, @RUC4 asked if she would be also able to post because of a absence of any other real discussion on self harm. I agreed, as I had gotten what I needed from speaking to men, and opened the thread. As such I changed the name of it so people would be aware.

 

[Foreigner]

Originally the thread was titled 'do any men have experience of self harm' due to me wanting to connect with other men with this experience.

At one stage later on, @RUC4 asked if she would be also able to post because of a absence of any other real discussion on self harm. I agreed, as I had gotten what I needed from speaking to men, and opened the thread. As such I changed the name of it so people would be aware.

Ok, I found the title very confusing in the sense that I wasn't sure if it was the space for me to participate or not.

It may be better to change it to: "Anyone with experience of self harm?"

Just a suggestion.

 

[Eligiu]

Ok, I found the title very confusing in the sense that I wasn't sure if it was the space for me to participate or not.

It may be better to change it to: "Anyone with experience of self harm?"

Just a suggestion.

Sure. If can remember how to edit titles and break out from my Luddite prison.

 

[RUC4]

Ok, I found the title very confusing in the sense that I wasn't sure if it was the space for me to participate or not.

It may be better to change it to: "Anyone with experience of self harm?"

Just a suggestion.

I vote for keeping the title as it is. It's clear and hints at the history of the thread. Keep it, I say @Eligiu

 

[iridescentblack]

Then one day decades later I awoke to the fact that I am not this, and all the frustration was having waa just learning about this truth through contrast.

Are you referring to "no-self", as in like the Buddha described?

 

[Foreigner]

Are you referring to "no-self", as in like the Buddha described?

Buddhism is too nihilistic for me. There is a real self, but it is at perfect peace and equanimity. It is always accessible even if the person is tormented somehow.