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Any clue to what it could be?

Z

Zenloops

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 8, 2017
Messages
3
A month ago, I took half a blotter of what I thought was LSD, but it was not. It caused me a lot of complications the first 3 weeks, and now I am still dealing with very disabling complications. The effect was complete ego death, complete void. No trace to sense of self whatsoever. Was not as visual as LSD or shrooms or anything I tried before, but there were lots of visual distortions and moving trails and flashes and shadows, with a lot of visual enhancement. Thought was extremely distorted, and nothing could be mentally grasped for longer than the duration of the thought itself. At first I guessed it would be 5MeODMT with an MAOI. However, the come up was felt at the hour mark, and the hit was at the 1.5-2 hour mark. Then the entire crazy effect lasted for well over 12 hours, and continued till the next day. I am not sure if it was the ego death that continued or the effect that continued. However, I am still very fucked, and I do not feel like the same person I used to be before this. I have lost my personality, my dreams, my drives, my ambitions...etc.
Another thing that happened was that while I was in it, I completely merged with the experience and accepted it as the truth of the world. The problem is I haven't got out of it, and I have been holding on to whatever ego is left in me. I really think it would be helpful to know what was the drug that I had taken, and if anybody has suffered anything of this sort. I just cannot stand the idea that I may have really "enlightened" myself or what not, as it feels as such. I know that the fact that I am saying that I have enlightened myself means that I am not, but this is only coming out of a momentary ego that is able to pursue its momentary affairs and plead for help on this forum, but nothing further than that. I have completely lost my sense of self beyond the sense of my physical existence and the physical existence of the world. All help would be appreciated, I am at rock bottom.
 
Sorry we don't allow ID threads unfortunately...

But in any case, 5-MeO-DMT doses do not fit on blotter let alone together with a MAOI.

It may well be LSD though in my opinion (not really playing the game of guessing what it is instead here), I have once had an experience like that on mushrooms and it was just a mystical state of oneness beyond duality that lasted for hours, longer than any normal mushroom trip. After that I questioned everything about my life as it didn't seem like I had arrived at that point through the sort of conscious decisions feeling as 'awakened' as I felt then. I don't believe this is enlightenment though, normally that is what they call sustained enlightenment while having an experience like that is unsustained. IMO it is more about 'reality' waking up from you than you waking up from reality or anything like that. It doesn't seem helpful [the whole enlightenment thing] so I recommend you forget it for now although it can be helpful to just learn more about mystical states as a thing so that what happened to you doesn't feel so out of place. Extreme states of consciousness or enlightenment are not the sort of thing to really doubt about whether you had them, the problem usually rather seems to be to label and describe after it has happened.
(One thing though: it is not that I am implying I am enlightened - though temporarily I have seen some veils lifted including when I went back to psychedelics to find answers, desperately. I don't take personal credit for that, nor do I think any of this is about credits.)

For me it meant having to figure myself out from scratch in a way, and it did take quite a while and during that time I also had different setbacks. But I made it.
One way to approach all this is as a problem or disorder, like depersonalization and derealization. When all else fails, seeking help and treatment for that is what some people do. However even if that is what you will do, I don't think it is a good idea to look at it purely as a problem.
The more distance I have gotten from it, the more neutral I see it - or a blessing and a curse, just like my gifts and mental issues - it is like a reset you didn't ask for, but you can use it to improve yourself in time. It really sucks to feel very lost... but it can change.
I have also learned that the ego is not something purely good or bad, it serves its purposes well but it is good to check on everything it wants to pursue and to second-guess when it doesn't want to let go of things. Eventually you need it again to drive you in certain ways.

I hope you find harmony again, but don't know whether you find that in reevaluating your life properly or zen buddhism (I have been quite into that) or other sorts of guidance. Also of course your case may differ from mine so keep that in mind.

Eventually for me it meant getting a personality, dreams, drives and ambitions that were more 'mine' [deliberate yet natural] than they had ever been before. I am thankful for that. It's crazy psychedelics can do such a thing in one fateful trip though.
 
[ EDIT* Solipsis was typing this response before i replied.and beat me to it and we are saying the same things lol=D ]

Sorry brother we cant I.D drugs on bluelight because misinformation is worse than no info.
If youbwant my humble opinion, Its not a tryptamine like 5-meo-dmt because you simply cannot load a blotter with over 4mgs, which is much to small of a dose to be usefull
You said you ate half a blotter, did you notice a metallic very bitter taste? Chances are if it WASN'T lsd and you tripped for 12 hours plus its possible you got a DOx. Imho i think you may have just gotten a very strong hit of lsd and you may be sensitive.
I cant say a large dose or a regular dose of DOx would cause ego death without noticing some very stimulating side effects.
Do yourself a favor and get regent kits. That way you know what you are taking, and this never has to happen again to you.
Nugz
 
Last edited:
Solipsis said:
Sorry we don't allow ID threads unfortunately...

But in any case, 5-MeO-DMT doses do not fit on blotter let alone together with a MAOI.

It may well be LSD though in my opinion (not really playing the game of guessing what it is instead here), I have once had an experience like that on mushrooms and it was just a mystical state of oneness beyond duality that lasted for hours, longer than any normal mushroom trip. After that I questioned everything about my life as it didn't seem like I had arrived at that point through the sort of conscious decisions feeling as 'awakened' as I felt then. I don't believe this is enlightenment though, normally that is what they call sustained enlightenment while having an experience like that is unsustained. IMO it is more about 'reality' waking up from you than you waking up from reality or anything like that. It doesn't seem helpful [the whole enlightenment thing] so I recommend you forget it for now although it can be helpful to just learn more about mystical states as a thing so that what happened to you doesn't feel so out of place. Extreme states of consciousness or enlightenment are not the sort of thing to really doubt about whether you had them, the problem usually rather seems to be to label and describe after it has happened.
(One thing though: it is not that I am implying I am enlightened - though temporarily I have seen some veils lifted including when I went back to psychedelics to find answers, desperately. I don't take personal credit for that, nor do I think any of this is about credits.)

For me it meant having to figure myself out from scratch in a way, and it did take quite a while and during that time I also had different setbacks. But I made it.
One way to approach all this is as a problem or disorder, like depersonalization and derealization. When all else fails, seeking help and treatment for that is what some people do. However even if that is what you will do, I don't think it is a good idea to look at it purely as a problem.
The more distance I have gotten from it, the more neutral I see it - or a blessing and a curse, just like my gifts and mental issues - it is like a reset you didn't ask for, but you can use it to improve yourself in time. It really sucks to feel very lost... but it can change.
I have also learned that the ego is not something purely good or bad, it serves its purposes well but it is good to check on everything it wants to pursue and to second-guess when it doesn't want to let go of things. Eventually you need it again to drive you in certain ways.

I hope you find harmony again, but don't know whether you find that in reevaluating your life properly or zen buddhism (I have been quite into that) or other sorts of guidance. Also of course your case may differ from mine so keep that in mind.

Eventually for me it meant getting a personality, dreams, drives and ambitions that were more 'mine' [deliberate yet natural] than they had ever been before. I am thankful for that. It's crazy psychedelics can do such a thing in one fateful trip though.
Click to expand...

I experienced ego death on LSD a year ago, which put me on a journey to become and enlightened. I constructed an entire mental model of all the properties of the state of mind, and aligned my life with zen philosophy in ways I cannot describe here. This is what lead me to completely surrender to the experience, and shed the notion of my internal "Iness". I have also done LSD over 20 times, so I am pretty experienced and I am certain that I am not "sensitive" and that it was not anything like LSD.
 
If nothingness is what comes right now, let it come. No point in fighting it. You'll come back eventually.
 
If you check that thread you will see that there aren't a whole lot of psychedelics known to be found on blotter other than LSD. Not really listed there are other lysergamides which are normally sold on blotters labeled with the compound's name, but they are still rather LSD-like so probably not too relevant here. Others are NBOMe's, 5-MeO-aMT and DOX with the addition of something like BromoDragonFLY as a sort of modified DOX.

Each have characteristic side-effects but you still shouldn't count on IDing it conclusively that way. As said, we do not allow actual IDing in our discussion, and you should keep reservations and discretion with trying it on your own. Best you can do is get another blotter from the same batch if you do not already have one, and reagent test it.

FWIW i do not believe people get sustained enlightenment from a trip like that though I have in the past tried to combine yogic practices with tripping for synergy in that department. If you mostly want to focus on 'spiritual' aspects of what happened to you and how to integrate it, that can be made the topic of this thread - it could do better in Philosophy & Spirituality, or not. Part of it also belongs in Mental Health, but The Dark Side doesn't seem like the kind of support best suited for your situation.

Not that I want to argue with you about this, but I used to meditate (also sometimes during a trip or during retreat) and find some kind of state of mind that went beyond mindfulness and basically into some sort of dissociation ego death can also be a part of. Now, much later, I have little understanding for that approach and find that way too disconnected from the here and now and defeating the purpose of becoming more present. Mystical states certainly have a role to play and I am thankful for the ones I had, but I consider them lessons that helped change me but not some sort of answer, and certainly not for proper awakening. Well, during the retreats it was only a station I passed and there was plenty of here and now to really do the job.

My point being that I find ego loss helpful as a lesson to grow and change from, but other than that a sort of false idol for many trippers. Even if a veil is lifted that shows the illusory nature of things, that still doesn't mean you have learned to integrate that nature with your very present one.
 
Solipsis, I'm very interested in your personal journey because I can relate to a lot of the things you're telling. I would really appreciate if you could take 10 minutes to just sum your psychonaut life and how/why you got into psychedelic drugs, the damage it did and the good it did, your depression, if you are happy now and if so, why? Have you taken a step back from exploring your inner world? Those kinds of questions. Maybe start a new thread, I'm sure other people would be interested to know about it as well. Plus you're a great writer.

I personally got so deeply interested in finding my "true self" through psychedelics that my professional and personal life got less and less prioritized. Although after trying Ketamine for 3 weeks ago I feel kind of reset and will take a break from it all for awhile, and I'm actually feeling happier. But am still interested in this culture and what it does to people, thereby my interest in your story.
 
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