Any advice for coping with anxiety and depression due to years of mdma abuse?

[HappyPilmore]

Hello,

Since this is my first time posting, I should start off saying thanks for providing an online community where we can share information. I've used it as a resource over the years and I've found it extremely helpful for many situations.

I'm posting today because I'm struggling and can't figure out what, if anything, I can do to improve my condition. Please forgive me if I list too many details but I see so many other posts from people that receive replies saying not enough info was provided to give a proper responses.

So I'll start out saying that I didn't have the best childhood. I knew things were off but after spending the past decade in therapy, I learn more and more each week how messed up I was but I dealt with it the best I could at the time.

I was raised with poor eating habits and never taught to exercise or care about sports so I was never in very good shape. I wasn't overweight but for most of my life I've been "skinny-fat" as they call it these days.

I grew up in a rich town but my family was dirt poor and our apt was run down and tiny so it was difficult for me to get friends to come over to play. I found that one of the only ways I could bond with other kids was to get high together or go to concerts because music has always been one of my biggest interests.

All things considered, it's not surprising that I started using substances to escape while I was still in high school. By the time I reached college, I was drinking booze and smoking weed almost every day.

I was hesitant to try ecstasy but finally dabbled with it in 95. By 98 it was my drug of choice but luckily at the time I could rarely find it and when I did I never had enough money to get much more than what would last me one night.

Somewhere around 2001 I found a good connection and started doing it often. 15 years later and countless rolls (definitely in the hundreds) I think I'm finally realizing how much of a toll it has taken on me.

I also discovered that adderal helped me work so I used it from 2010-2014. I should have researched it more because I didn't realize it too affects your serotonin. For some reason I thought it just affected dopamine levels.

Unfortunately, my father became terminally ill about 5 years ago so I moved back home to help take care of him. I can recall feeling a lot of anxiety and depression but figured it was mainly due to witnessing his health slowly deteriorate then dealing with his death.

Then a couple years ago my relationship of 8 years ended with my now ex-gf. Once again I felt a lot of anxiety, depression and loneliness but I chalked it up to our break up.

But somewhere along the way I got into a rut and it's felt nearly impossible to get out of it again. I have no idea if it was due to the excessive serotonin depletion or those major life events or a combination of them all but I have recently tried to make many changes in my lifestyle and still seem to be hitting the same walls.

I've been sober for over a year now except for some social drinking a couple times a month. And I have improved my diet and exercised regularly whenever I wasn't too sick to do so. I also began doing yoga since I've heard it helps with anxiety.

Somehow I managed to start my own business. It's completely legal and I am able to support myself just with the money I make selling my goods via Ebay and Etsy. I work out of my home and have been doing it for years so I can do it in my sleep. The only roadblocks I hit are when I have to leave the house to go to the post office which used to be no big deal but lately it's something I dread.

I've just recently been able to distinguish between when I feel sick because I am physical ill vs when I am experiencing anxiety. I think I've had some anxiety all my life but I didn't realize it or think it was more than anyone else was experiencing. And for whatever reasons, it seems intensified these days. Maybe it's always been there but it didn't bother me as much during all those years I was self medicating.

It's just a really weird feeling since I spent most of my life trying to not be that same little kid who had trouble making friends and now that I have a good support system and am invited to all sorts of fun events, I don't want to leave my house and go meet new people. I hardly want to go do fun things with my close friends. I can think of things that should be fun or used to be fun but now I have no desire to go to a party or a fishing trip or play volley ball on the beach or be front row for a concert or any other things that should be entertaining.

Last week I think I had my first panic attack during a yoga class. I thought about leaving but I just breathed my way through it. But now I'm fearful to go back.

Then I spent Thurs-Sun freaking out and hardly slept at all. I hadn't touched acid in decades but it reminded me of a bad trip I had when I was 17. I finally realized I had a xanax that was prescribed to me a couple years ago and I finally got some sleep soon after I took it.

The next day my dr prescribed me antibiotics for a severe sinus infection and prozac for my anxiety and depression. I used to get sinus infections every month but now that I no longer smoke, hardly drink, eat much healthier, use saline rinse, steroid spray and take claritin they seem to be less frequent but I can't figure out if I get sick due to my anxiety or if my anxiety/depression is caused because I am bummed out that I'm getting sick and end up having to cancel plans so much that I feel like I'm letting down my friends and family.

Somehow it didn't seem like it was as big of a deal when I missed out on stuff due to being hungover or sick from running myself ragged after binging for a few days. I just thought that would all change if I improved my lifestyle but I seem to have tried everything and still don't seem to be getting better.

I'm hoping that this extreme anxiety is just due to the fact that I haven't been sober for extended amounts of time for the past couple decades so my mind and body are still adjusting. I honestly don't know how I can survive living this way forever. It feels like I'm living life in a permanent bad trip.

The only thing that seems to have helped at all was 5htp but I read that it can cause serotonin syndrome when combined with prozac so I discontinued using it Monday. I'm hoping the prozac will be effective but I've heard it takes weeks to feel results.

The kicker is that I was offered a new job whenever I am ready to start. It's the big break I've been waiting for all my life. I worked there part time last year and can't believe I could get paid to do something I love in a cool office with like minded coworkers. The only problem is that I'm terrified to leave the house when my anxiety kicks in and that makes me unreliable. I don't want to accept the job and blow it by not showing up.


So I'm praying that the meds take and I can once again return to living a somewhat normal life rather than becoming a shut in. I tried dating again and my last relationship lasted from Sept until two weeks ago but we eventually both agreed that I'm currently not in the right frame of mind to handle it.


Anyway, I've read some other threads and realize there are no conclusive test results to know if mdma can permananty damage someone so I'm holding out hope that my condition will improve. But if anyone happened to be in a similar situation and has any advice, I'm all ears.


Sorry for the rambling post. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Some of what you wrote here could be written by me. I've used a lot of X but not to the extent you have. In the end you may not find out what the cause of your depression is. Life can be pretty depressing all on it's own. Now I found a couple of things that have really helped me with anxiety and depression but you have to put some effort in. I have found that very deep breathing along with good quality hypnosis cds really have helped calm my nervous system down.

I practice deep belly breathing all though the day. You'll need to do this until it starts being easy and semi automatic and that takes a little time and patience but if you work it it can start helping right away to some degree. I'll recommend two Hypnosis tapes. Really I'm recommending the hypnotists actually. Glenn Harrold's "A Guided Meditation" and Belleruth Naparstek's "Relieve Stress" If you don't dig new age jargon then stick with Belleruth. On the other hand Harrold's voice is amazing and can put you into trance quickly. Try to do them at least twice a day for a month. The great part is they are really fun and can put you into a very blissed out state. Best of luck brother. I really can relate and it sucks.