Anxiety

[Jabberwocky]

i wrote this origonally in my journal. i use to post all the time in words. in fact i think i have 25 some odd poems on this server. but something along the way changed and i became nervouse about posting my inner adhd dialogues..... well since my last poem was recieved well either by pity or by talant it has enboldened me to post this one here as well.


I laid face down on my floor last night
listening to my anxiety tanslate into my heartbeat.
trying unsuccessfully to stem the circuitous flow of information beating against my brain

Bills are due
your sister needs your help
how will your niece grow, become healthy without you

thought breeding more thoughts
building one upon the other
sweeping me away
yet at the same time into myself i withdraw
the feeling of having no body
just a tentitive conection of anxiety holding you in the material world.
Just one thought
just that easy to let go
who would miss me
i wouldnt if i were them
im niether strong enough nor weakenough for that option
pussy, coward, prideful bastard
I tease myself in voices of my own modulating and never ending
i revisit past failures and the chains of destruction it unleshed upon my psyche
hospitilizations
medications
constant fear
i will be better
it must get better
my arm is cramped from laying in the small uncluttered corner of my room
the pain bringing me back to myself.
Pain the great equilizer of all men
where would i be without that.
It has overshadowed most of my life both pysical and mental.
abuse
ruptured eardrum
lovers words
parents barbs
if i could make into blocks my pain i would sell them as phil protean
some source of constantly sustainable fuel
for fueled it has
my hatred
my rage
my loyalty
my duty to make things right
I will never do what has been done to me
i will leave this place better than when i entered it
I will end the cycle
I will become the man i always wanted to be
jettesoning the protectant casing my space soul needs
I will love
I will let them in
tell them how i feel
show signs of huanity
I WILL...
eventually

 

[froggygirl]

my arm is cramped from laying in the small uncluttered corner of my room
the pain bringing me back to myself.
Pain the great equilizer of all men
where would i be without that.



my duty to make things right
I will never do what has been done to me
i will leave this place better than when i entered it
I will end the cycle

I liked this for a few reasons....
first of all, the title drew my attention to it.....
the first part of the quote.... I remember curling up in a ball in my closet before... I know the pain...
the second part of the quote... I like how you think more postive.. how you talk things out through it. I see a lot of strength in you.. just by this poem.. and I hope that you really do achieve your goal of being your best...
thanks for writing it and having the courage to post it. I know it's hard to share how you feel with people, but even when people don't comment, it effects them in some way. That's what I love about poems...

Keep posting please

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

This whole piece made me feel so much.
I can see the suffocating figure locked away..and I feel as if I've been here before.
Really struck a noisy chord with me.

Very very very beautiful piece.
I enjoyed this muchly - - - and couldn't pick a favourite stanza. I loved it all.

 

[Dekloren]

yet at the same time into myself i withdraw
the feeling of having no body

I feel like that alot.
Thanks for sharing guy.

Don't be scared to post here.

 

[cherub]

Phil, I think you should post more in here.. one Cause I think it will help you, two you are very talented.

I simply relate to this on such Big Level,,,, even the being where you get werid about posting in words..... I actually went through that for a bit,,,,, even responding i started having issues,, all came down to aniexty. I am passed it which is good,,, since i am still a mod here,,, lol

Your writting is always toucing to me, maybe cause internally we are not so much different.

BIG HUGS!

This part,,,,,, you must remember you will get better, don't look for perfection but more of balancing your aniexty, it is never fun, but it is part of you and your chemistry make up of who you are,,, regardless never makes you less of a person. Great stuff babe!

I tease myself in voices of my own modulating and never ending
i revisit past failures and the chains of destruction it unleshed upon my psyche
hospitilizations
medications
constant fear
i will be better
it must get better

*sends you calming and balancing vibes*

 

[Jabberwocky]

have alot going on in my life that it would be a catharsis to write down.