Mental Health Anxiety, Rage, and a few other issues.

[Lehsyrus]

Hello everyone, I'm Lehsyrus. I'm actually pretty happy I saw this section, reading a few of the threads have made me realize I'm not the only one who has...well...issues. It's also nice to see so many people have come to figure out their issues an how to cope, sadly I have yet to figure this out.

I guess my problems all started when I was about two years old to be honest. I couldn't walk yet, I would just sit and watch people, watch everything. My parents originally thought I had some sort of problem, so they brought me to a children's hospital. The doctors did not find anything wrong, and I actually learned to walk there (apparently I stood up and started running towards the door), which is unheard of. As soon as I could walk I was unlocking doors with Legos, building models of the tv with them, etc. I attribute that to the fact that I just watched everything as a baby.

I had always been proficient in school, and used to be quite shy. In fifth grade I started having stomach problems. I went through every experimental procedure you could think of, nothing worked, no physical issues were found. But even so I had (and still have) pain that is so excruciating it's caused me to be completely paralyzed.

In about eighth grade there was a kid making fun of my sister on the school bus, I don't remember what happened because I blacked out but I apparently threw the kid out of a window, which was unheard of because I had always been shy. After that incident I had no problems with talking to people, it was like something in my head just turned on and my shyness was gone.

Fast forward to two years ago (eighteen years old), I had really bad anxiety problems. I feel like the whole world is out to get me, I'm cautious (without showing it) and investigate everyone I meet. My stomach problems were at an all time high, and I started to self medicate with Marijuana. The doctors wanted to give me an anti anxiety med and an opiate for my stomach but I'll be honest, since having the doctors be so completely useless wih my stomach in the past I refused to listen. I definitely will never take opiates, too many friends of mine have been lost to opiate addiction.

So I was arrested my senior year in high school with a little Marijuana, and the books were thrown at me. Three years probation, 300 hours community service, 3200 dollar fine, and drug counseling. Marijuana has now been out of the picture for two years. Since stopping I have had four anger incidents, all four ended with the people involved being sent to the hospital. Every time they threatened my family, but I was still looked at like the criminal.

So I have been labeled a "Danger to Society" by the court, and had a psychiatric evaluation. The dude was useless, said I am in perfect metal health and am faking it. So I went to a psycho therapist. He diagnosed me with "rage" and proceeded to try to bring it out of me. He made fun of everything I believed in, but nothing. Then he insulted my family, and well he was sent to the hospital. Luckily he admitted to it being his fault so I wasn't incarcerated or charged.

Now, I am eligible for medical Marijuana due to my stomach condition, however not until I am off probation (a year and a half to go). Has anyone had similar experiences that they have been able to overcome? I lift every other day, I produce music for fun (electronic), I play the drums and saxophone, I draw, anything to keep myself occupied, but sometimes I just get these thoughts of complete and utter destruction, and at other times I have such an artistic flow you would think I couldn't hurt a fly. Bipolar disorder has been ruled out, the doctors can't figure anything except the rage and anxiety out.

I'm at a loss..

 

[Lehsyrus]

that's tough.

what is your anger like towards smaller things? like someone being late or someone cutting you off while driving?

It really depends on the severity of it. If someone cuts me off I curse them out so bad a trucker would cry, but I don't get violent. Now, if I see someone speeding down a road recklessly I know people jog on, that usually causes me to fly out in front of them and mash on my brakes. I've wrecked a car doing that but it was to keep my neighbors safe.

One counselor I had said I might have some sort of mental issue where I feel like I always have to fight the authoritive figure, though I forget the name of it (I'm an Anarchist by the way).

 

[Lehsyrus]

so you freely express anger in everyday situations? you don't feel that you are ever shoving the issues inward?

Not really, sometimes i do completely mask my emotions but as soon as I am free I give my closes friend a call, we head on over to an abandoned warehouse and I let it all out with strings of curses, insults to the people I hate, and breaking stuff. After I kick over a few tables and chucking a tire at the wall I usually feel better.

It stumps me.

 

[Lehsyrus]

anger is tricky and the root of many of my problems. i have no idea how to deal with it in a healthy manner so i shove it away and it comes out all sideways.

but you tend to be dealing with it head on.

do you want to change your issues with rage? do they make you unhappy?

If I don't fight my anger it will engulf me, and I like being happy too much to be angry.

I mainly want to reduce my anxiety some how. I feel if I can reduce my anxiety, my rage won't flare up as severely, and my stomach problems will lessen all in one shot. But I still haven found a method that completely works.

 

[Lehsyrus]

consider therapy. find someone you really trust and make a connection with. it is worth if it you work with it.

I just need to find someone who isn't going to purposely make me angry for it, tthhhaaatttt never ends well.

 

[dimlyFourOwls]

I've only ever had one episode of rage so bad I actually wanted to hurt someone, this last year. It was eye-opening, to see firsthand that such strong rage actually exists. It's one thing to hear about it, but to experience it first-hand is a whole nother thing.

Lehsyrus: I'm glad to have heard your story. I'm sorry about the painful spots. Have you considered some others herbs besides marijuana? There are things out there, such as damiana (helps take off the edge, though a bit weak), and even stronger things that are legal. I've tried chamomile (also kind of weak...), didn't work all too well for me, but maybe for you?

http://www.erowid.org/herbs/herbs.shtml

Best of luck.

 

[RobotRipping]

i experience rage more often than i'd like; i guess it comes from a feeling of helplessness about the world and its inhabitants. I also suffer terrible anxiety that is managed really well with medication, as a result my incidences of wanting to murder the slow old lady in front of me inline at the store have lowered.

My girlfriend acts in a similar fashion as you towards people, like Larry David in curb your enthusiasm sort of thing. I just let most of that shit go,. I think the key is to accept that you can't always be in control, you have to accept things that happen that aren't even fair on any level because that is just life. As well, keep things in proportion, someone being an asshole to you at a traffic stop isn't as enraging as your president betraying your country or something like that.

sometimes i'd love for the world just to end and for me to see everyone panicking for their pathetic little lives and other days i'm happy to walk by and appreciate the colours of the sky and the birds. I don't know what's wrong with me either but it stems from the above issues.

 

[herbavore]

I have this weird theory (with absolutely no scientific basis to back it up LOL) that people who experience chronic or debilitating rage are stuck in the left brain. I am much more of a right brain person and I rarely feel rage (hence, my simplistic theory ). Try engaging in things that develop right brain usage and see if, over time, things change.