I have generalised anxiety disorder (probably) caused by being bullied at school and hanging with a group of thugs in puberty who i feared but couldn't break free of because that would make me being a target again.
I am traumatised but the psychiatrist still doesnt know if i have ptsd or not, i do still have nightmares about these periods which are over 10 years ago (im 28 now) but the fact i dont really have flashbacks about precise trauma's (like when they surrounded me and put a knife at my throat saying they would kill me and laughed about it in a crowded street and nobody helped me, or when i was knocked out in a busy street and once again nobody helped me) he is in doubt. I dont really know.
I remember the real anxiety kicking in around the time i left home at age 17 to flee all the arguments and my depressed sister and at that same period i broke free of the group i was part of, no better, the people i used to hang with out of fear and lonelelyness.
All of a sudden i was all alone and started to smoke and drink heavily.
No education, no job, no school, no friends, no family. It was real heavy on me.
I remember having panick attacks all day long, sweating and shaking, could barely make it to the supermarket, insomnia, suicidal thoughts you name it.
When somebody got murderded in my appartement and shortly after a neighbor got robbed in his house i had enough and went to an island far from home for several months working a seasonal job.
Got back home, cut the weed loose but now a full blown alcaholic and in constant fear of everything you can imagine.
Found a job and worked there for a couple of years, up to 60 hours a week sometimes to finance my new addiction, xtc and coke.
At 2010 i got psychotic, lost my job and my house, was homeless for a couple of weeks and still did not hit rock bottom.
Fast forward to december 2013.
Another job, great employer but still addicted and with constant anxiety attacks and insomnia.
I was soooo tired of life and being lonely, i started to abuse alcohol like never before, there wasnt a single minuted for weeks i was sober.
I found myself planning suicide and gave myself one final change to get better and checked in for rehab and diagnostic.
Got some air, got clean, got diagnosed (add, gad, depression, panick disorder) and started with some meds wich i abused (concerta, lyrica), got suicidal again, went back to the clinic and that was 2 months ago.
I am now on effexor and it is a huge relief, it is really helping me. I also get mirtazapine for sleep (good to fall asleep on, but i wake up 3 or 4 hours later
) but i have an appointment thursday for something better.
I know now that recovery IS possible!!
Im smiling, i wake up early and run 30 minutes at sunrise, eat healthy, make sure i have a clean household, i have friends now, i have plans for the future (back to school!).
Anxiety sucks like nothing else. Even a suicidal depression felt lighter on me than the anxiety, nothing helps for anxiety, drugs only make it worse, there is no escape, effexor really saved my life!
