Anxiety And How it Creeped into my life (Wall of Text)

[DoubleDrop123]

Ive Suffered from depression And anxiety for years. Recently (last December 2014) i Was arrested for a DWI and my life has significantly changed since then. I'm making this thread to share my day by day experience on various anti-depressants /anti-anxiety medication im sure to recieve because of this. BUt let me go you a little bit of backround about myself.
Age 8 : At family party, Uncle gives me first beer. Instantly love it. Dad rips beer away and laughs "that was gross right?" i respond "that was good!"
Fast Forward
Age 14 : Have friend named "J" Known since gradeschool. His mom works at a bar. Me and buddys (About 4-5 of us) would cut school every day, usually leave school around 9am to go to the bar. We'd get shitfaced of course. Drinking until we couldn't see and were ripping the green off the pool table. At this point not one of us really had an alcohol tolerance besides john because it was apparent (not at that time but later down the road) that Both his parents were alcoholics and this wasn't his first time at the bar. This continued throughout the year. As you could imagine most of us were falling behind on our studies and even my friend (lets call him "D" dropped out) That summer i Drank every day with J and i noticed myself slipping from Fun to Angry whenever i drank. As well as not wanting to walk around as much as i usually did. i walked everywhere back then. It didn't matter when or where, Just was not big deal. I Started Dating J's sister with some help from him and some of my other guys. She was beautiful. First time i saw her my jaw dropped. And not that cheesey my jaw-dropped bullshit. i mean i was like jesus christ what is this i dont even kind of stunned. Like if eva mendez asked you for the time and you just sit there and stuttered like what the fuck are you doing stunned. Yea that hot. She was the most precious thing i had in my life and i threw it away.
Age 15: Gonna post this bit real quick im getting to the anxiety btw.

 

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Age 15: I met the girl of my dreams through "J" and honestly i never felt how i did towards anyone before i met her. Lets call her "B" She had a boyfriend when we met but he kept talking about her like she was an object. When finally i went upto her and told her about her boyfriend had been comparing her to "fresh meat" and etc. (She was a virgin) That night we met at a mutual friends everyone was drinkin. i "DJ'd" ( Played music on my phone cause i had 70% battery vs everyones 20) was playing "clubbed to Death" https://soundcloud.com/carl-johan-renault/the-matrix-soundtrack-clubbed-to-death-cover Everyone told me no That was J's sister, I didn't care. She was so drunk. she came onto me We made out in the dewy early morning grass in drunken splendor. Pure bliss. Shes on the verge of passing out. I carry her inside and layed her on the couch and left. This was my fatal flaw. I should of never left. what transpired next would eat our relationship until its bitter ending...
Several weeks later :We end up together. We were in love. And don't try to tell me i don't know what love is because i haven't felt anything like this since.We stared at each other for hours on end not muttering a word and would be totally in tune and aware of each other. Not happy but Pleased almost with only the sight of one another. Nothing else mattered as long as we had each other.
Age 16: Life was still okay i guess i was going to the bar less, But drinking more at home alone. "B" pretty much lived at my house now. And i was drinking nearly every day now that cutting school to goto the bar was a thing of the past. (Shoulder tapping wasnt that hard at this point) [Anxiety intro] I Walked or biked everywhere i went throughout highschool. Before i turned 16 i was walking home from a halloween party at my cousins with two of my buddies, "b" was home/ Was talking on phone with other buddy who we were meeting up with while we passed lone guy on the street. Didn't think much of him at the time. "Yea man were fuckin smacked just walkin' back from [REDACTED]..When Lone guy slows down runs up on me pulls out a handgun and (very politley actually) demands my phone. "sir give me the phone" Says lone guy. Now first off he said sir which was weird in itslef and 2nd i've been around guns all my life , my pops owns at least 30 rifles 6 shotguns and 9 handguns ranging from .22s and 9mm to .454 Casul handguns and .308's. I respect firearms. I know what kind of damage they can do. And i know the kind of reckless power and abandon people who are inexperienced with weapons feel when they handle them. i knew how to disarm someone. But i knew to never the the chance if there's an easier way out. In this case that's the phone. But my Drunken ass tells lone guy to fuck off and to take it from me. ( Real smart guy right here) Long guy then proceeds to put gun in my mouth turn it sideways and asks me if i wanted to die over a phone. LMFAO my tough guy act obv. didn't do shit. Then my two buddies pop into my head (like why the fuck aren't they doing anything). *Gun in Mouth Still* "fyuuhhchk quue" i manage to spit out.Then i bite down down on the gun and i realize this isn't all metal. This muzzle is partially plastic, This is some kind of airsoft or BB gun cleaned up real good and painted. I Attempt to disarm Lone guy at this point. I step invward and to the left side (My left) of lone guys dominant firing side (his right shoulder) Lone guy (clearly rookie) because he holds "handgun" with one hand. Still I was too slow, i guess practical use beats technique sometime. Attacker whips to his right and in an instant all i see is black. My eyes flutter open and i'm greeted with a foot an my chest and My buddy "D" doing the dumbest shit ive ever seen in my life. He walks right up to the guy and gets in his face, (mind you guy is now panicking) and starts screaming in the guys face "DID YOU REALLY JUST DO THAT!?", "DID YOU REALLY JUST DO THAT?" Lone guy Blast him in the top of his nose and "gun" shatters. Literally. To pieces. Finally i see other buddy step in (Better late than Never). The grand fucking entrance la-di-da pulls out one of many knives he always carrys. (this time being a curved knife roughly 5-6" long with knuckles on it) He Takes a Quick, violent SLash from 10- 4, He connects...Barely. Lone guy runs faster than i've ever seen anyone run before. Everything goes black.

 

[DoubleDrop123]

I Wake up.

My left ears leaking blood.
D's nose is swollen, has patches of purple and yellow and he has some kind of cloth in his nose to stop the bleeding. It's broken for sure.
Other buddys fine says hes going home to clean his knife. says well find him another day. we never do.

Get to D's house (our original destination) His Mom immediately calls police even though we plead not too. ( I know what you're thinking. why not call the police? who are they going to find? its dark im concussed my friends fucked up and other buddys no where around. It was dark. lone guy stopped us in between streetlights, Lone guy was wearing hoodie. Had to meet up with cops and goto precinct that night Other buddy cleaned knife as soon as he got home ( We told cops we caught him with knife Wanted blood sample etc.) TL;DR Didnt' Get Lone guy
December Age 16: At [REDACTED] holiday party for christmas with "B" and Buddys

 

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I Bought a 750 of jose cuervo silver ( i normally don't drink tequila) I Drove to the party this time in my shit ass kia. I was Able to buy this car due to my new job making decent money (about 800 P/2wks) And Me Starting to flip some yay on the side. I had a habit and had sourced some solid stuff with good prices and sold it to friends in the area who were used to paying 80/g for trash. So i was getting by. Me and "B" werent getting along so hot. I didnt rea;lize hat i had, she was waaaay outta my league back then and i was just a piece of shit. Alcohol tolerance was very high at this point. I would drink whole bottles of liquor to get fucked up. i hadn't thrown up in a minute. My Life was Alcohol and Cocaine with work and relationships sprinkled in. Nothing else mattered. Also I haven't even walked so much around the block since lone guy troubles. And even to today its a rarity that i walk around my town. Ever. Holiday party was same thing as usual. i got fucked up and tried to go home. locked my keys in my car. Smashed my window open with top of jose cuervo bottle which i keep in a lockbox today to remind me of how stupid i used to be. Its Dark out, "friends" who helped me bust my window in return to party as i attempt to drive home. no one gets in car with me. ( which doesn't make sense because i used to be the DDD (Designated Drunk Driver) ) Except "B" She Pleads with me to just walk home with her in the snow. *Snowflakes are drifting down to earth now, Almost no breeze. I Hadn't noticed* Tells me i could hurt myself. "You cant keep doing this you're going to kill yourself!" For some reason i get angry. (well i didnt get angry i was already riled up cause i was starting problems at the party and pretty much got kicked out at this point) " I HAVE TO GET HOME B WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WALK HOME IN WEATHER LIKE THIS? FUCK YOU YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME. YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ETCETCETCETC." just all bullshit. i roughed her up. No striking just shoving and hard pinching. which in my opinion extremely hard pinching in public or even private is humiliating and extremely painful. I Dont feel good about this. I dont believe in beating on women. i am asha,ed and have never touched another woman like that again. Continued fighting Shes crying but takes my keys. she was very fit and i was very drunk. Her brother intervenes, takes her and keys away. i pass out in broken glass and snow

 

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Age 18: Surprisingly am still With "B" Relationships on edge even if my blind ass cant see it. Since Holiday party ive been trying to cut drinking down. But to no avail. "b" is drinking much more now too and staying at my house 6/7 days of the week. Family were pretty serious alcoholics and constant fights and issues broke out there. All she ever wanted was to be with someone who didnt drink. (Funny how that works right?) Be in a normal family and relationship. She deserved better than me. She deserved more from the world but apparently i wasnt done yet. At this point in my life i couldn't even function socially without alcohol in my system. Like sluggish unresponsive and all around fearful of conversations and human contact without alcohol. cocaine sales slipped. Me and "B" Started hanging at my buddys new house "E" weve known him and been close for years but he moved closer to us so we pretty much were there every day. The house was on a "one-Stop_shop" block and everything was available no matter the time. Because of the close dealers and the me and E began hosting partys. Mostly to provide a source of income for e because he was jobless. wed provide beer ( to an extent i.e. 1-2 kegs i started us off money wise) location entertainment and suppliers ( which was all him he was the people person and an excellent promoter) for entrance fees. It was quite profitable. i Woke up one morning after Drinking all night and snorting mazes of cocaine and heroin mixed on mirrors in our low budget "VIP" room ( I Actually OD'd that night...luckily there was an epi pen in the house) the party was a success but i woke up vomiting, pissed off and with no cigs. During the trap house times i was drinking a case of tallboys at a time. no not those little bitch 3pks of budlight or a 12pk of coors. This was the cases the delis recieved to be placed on the shevles. i drank malt liquor, usually crazy stallions i forget exactly how many in the case but id say at least 20 tall boys. My tolerance was at an all time high. and my anxiety was too although i didn't realize because i was "medicated" all the time. Im pacing in the kitchen methodically. trying to figure out how to get some cigs. By this time i had lost my job. "B" didnt care though she had just gotten one and helped me out when she could. But she came in the kitchen. Bitching. About SOMETHING. I cant even remember. i just grabbed her and asked her if she wanted her head on the stove,Pulling her face close to the glowing electric coils that were being used to heat the house. She had done nothing but i was furious and i threw her away and instantly regretted what i had done. I couldnt believe it myself i was stunned. she ran and locked herself into the master bedroom where my parter was. told him what happened and put her to sleep. hes seen me get like that before. as ive seen him. you just give the other a reality check the next day and tell them to "chill out". Her sister came and picked her up and was never spoke of again.

 

[loveandharmony]

Hey man,

I really really really did enjoy reading your story. I feel so sorry for you loosing your girl. I want exactly what you discribed, but I haven't found yet.
Would you mind giving me some more input? Do you still drink much? Did you try any psychadelics? How is your anxiety now?
Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
loveandharmony

 

[sekio]

moving to TDS, this is not suitable for NSPD