lilbluejoonbunni
Bluelighter
clawing under the skin
pressing inside his head
it burns where the splinters have stuck
want to tear them out
and tear deeper still
and then no more pain
just a lot of redness
quickly submerged in black
must say something
can't say anything
painful din of silence
scream just for screaming's sake
reach out turns into push away
unclean leper outcast
dead thoughts falling off his mind
pass into the shadow and be cured
blinded by the dark
as senseless as the rest of them
step down from the higher level
you are no better
you never were the messiah
make it writhe and twist
and rise up and strike you
back into the urban blend
you belong and do not believe
there is no ultimate measure
so how are you found wanting
springing the traps you set
taking your own bait
now skin and butcher yourself
as if that could bring you peace
sleep of the oblivious
that which you disdain
blinking in the harsh light of truth
feeling the acid burning you
willing it to make you clean
and who made you so dirty
roll in the mud a little more
wallowing in your antibliss
are you satisfied yet
let the storm erode you again
etch your name with sand grains
such dignity in blood-letting
so skilled with that leech
dance for her with the knife
she will be impressed
how brave you are
convince your witless victim
of your incredible righteousness
he'll take his own life then
see the headlines now
converted and repentant in death
surely better than the sinful life
sentencing yourself with no trial
claiming twenty years of proof
get off that cross
escape will not be so easy
not till you are ground down
made to fit that round hole
show me your regrets now
spell them out for me
and i will count out your delusions
two by two from your ark
floating on the thick red waves
you never drowned them at all
never torched them out
merely buried them in rubble
hardly an achievement
and you always resurrect them
from your mental ground zero
looking towards the clouded sky
praying for showers of fire
those flames won't cleanse you
that birthmark won't go away
you just remember that
while you hope this petty torture
will buy your release
there is no king to pardon you
and you won't crown yourself
fearing some invasion
why can't they martyr you
that look really suits your eyes
don't climb up and gouge them out
you might find your salvation
and you'll curse pure accident
for denying you that last act
better call your stockbroker
suicide corporation shares are worthless
there's just no market now
better stop trying to corner it
no way to make a living
can't do anything else
simply don't know how
really won't even try
might find happiness by chance
what shock horror then
taking drastic steps
down the express up escalator
just pause for one second
let yourself drift a while
rest from that run from nothing
it's getting you nowhere
and no one wants a postcard
such fascinating secrets of self-deception
thinking they'll judge you
they can't hear your thoughts
and you don't dare voice them
if i had just one penny
for every benefit of the doubt
that you ever allowed yourself
i guess i'd need to get a job
no money buys no bread
and man needs more than words
even those sacred words
how can you live by them
do you call that living
i don't and she wouldn't
factor that into the mix
will you drink that cocktail now
lethal in its lack of meaning
washing down your bitter pill
spending christmas in your head
the weather wasn't great
and you still want to go back
because you like skydiving
sans parachute
what an admirable crater
build a house at the bottom
live there on weekends
the cherry groves of death valley
that's some killer flavour
mining your mind for gold
melt it down and make ingots
you just throw them away
all for means
none for ends
unless they're dead ones
you like those caves
cosy and warm
reminding you of the prison
cordial embrace of stone and bars
tally of time on the wall
scratched with your fingernails
you've done your time
but you're back voluntarily
the warden makes you laugh
beatings are hilarious
morale has improved no end
that clown certainly earns his pay
juggling your emotions
turning your smiles to frowns
self-taught from a young age
hate so chunky you can carve it
and you do
how long has it been
you've forgotten why you started
too late to change tunes
better whistle louder then
you aren't deaf yet
and you might hear reason
and you might see sense
and you might taste the barrel
but the trigger is pulled
game over
how is that victory
demise in record time
i didn't see that game in the arcade
probably not very popular
don't you wonder why
just for a change
from wondering why you're alone
wondering if she'd care
why would she
a dead man inspires no confidence
poor prospect of promotion
even if you got a job
the resume needs work
you shouldn't mention depression
or inclination to self-maim
wear a shirt that isn't stained
be confident if you can
know your strengths
they aren't your weaknesses
and this confusion is not productive
ditch that with the negativity
so maybe there's nothing left now
paint a new picture
thick strokes of bright colours
you think that doesn't look like you
seek a second opinion
robby's does not count
he is merely half your brain
but that's all you're used to using
you don't see the whole picture
even though you are the artist
listen to the critics
they haven't condemned you
no recruits for the lynching mob there
you are the whole posse
saddle up and track down your life
think of the reward
no one wants you dead
bring yourself in alive
take down the wanted poster
with all your darts in it
can't see the face through the feathers
all those points stuck in you
but you couldn't see the real one
looking like a sieve
life flowed past
and you kept the detritus
straining yourself for nothing
i thought you were efficient
but you've just been spinning wheels
bogged in the pit
why dig yourself in deeper
you won't get anywhere
and that somehow surprises you
you took a thousand steps
while chained to the tree
never thought to look up
pluck the fruit
always in season
that's meant to be a cycle
why stop it on winter
don't you like the sun
too much light and happiness
most people prefer that
you think they're ignorant
yet still they know better than you
they're enjoying themselves
you're amassing hurt
enough already
glutton for the rack
stretching yourself
the snap will come
and then maybe you'll see
and say you were wrong
picking up your own pieces
putting them back together
exactly how they were
didn't you learn anything
failing the exams on purpose
every year a repeat
and you say you're bored
you're writing the textbook
maybe you should wake up
to the history you're making
the repetition is your fault
because you're scared
always taking the safe route
commenting on the stagnation
wondering about the landmarks
that you haven't seen
try getting out of the garage
and learning to drive off-road
the scenery is more interesting
and you'll take new photographs
if you remove the lens cap
and focus on the worthwhile
stop pulling the film out
erasing memories you find discomforting
because they're new to you
not your tried and tested
using a crooked measure
skewed with anger
elephants don't forget
they probably forgive though
even if you pack their trunks
with all your sorry recollections
and ship them to yourself
in southern bulgaria
pressing inside his head
it burns where the splinters have stuck
want to tear them out
and tear deeper still
and then no more pain
just a lot of redness
quickly submerged in black
must say something
can't say anything
painful din of silence
scream just for screaming's sake
reach out turns into push away
unclean leper outcast
dead thoughts falling off his mind
pass into the shadow and be cured
blinded by the dark
as senseless as the rest of them
step down from the higher level
you are no better
you never were the messiah
make it writhe and twist
and rise up and strike you
back into the urban blend
you belong and do not believe
there is no ultimate measure
so how are you found wanting
springing the traps you set
taking your own bait
now skin and butcher yourself
as if that could bring you peace
sleep of the oblivious
that which you disdain
blinking in the harsh light of truth
feeling the acid burning you
willing it to make you clean
and who made you so dirty
roll in the mud a little more
wallowing in your antibliss
are you satisfied yet
let the storm erode you again
etch your name with sand grains
such dignity in blood-letting
so skilled with that leech
dance for her with the knife
she will be impressed
how brave you are
convince your witless victim
of your incredible righteousness
he'll take his own life then
see the headlines now
converted and repentant in death
surely better than the sinful life
sentencing yourself with no trial
claiming twenty years of proof
get off that cross
escape will not be so easy
not till you are ground down
made to fit that round hole
show me your regrets now
spell them out for me
and i will count out your delusions
two by two from your ark
floating on the thick red waves
you never drowned them at all
never torched them out
merely buried them in rubble
hardly an achievement
and you always resurrect them
from your mental ground zero
looking towards the clouded sky
praying for showers of fire
those flames won't cleanse you
that birthmark won't go away
you just remember that
while you hope this petty torture
will buy your release
there is no king to pardon you
and you won't crown yourself
fearing some invasion
why can't they martyr you
that look really suits your eyes
don't climb up and gouge them out
you might find your salvation
and you'll curse pure accident
for denying you that last act
better call your stockbroker
suicide corporation shares are worthless
there's just no market now
better stop trying to corner it
no way to make a living
can't do anything else
simply don't know how
really won't even try
might find happiness by chance
what shock horror then
taking drastic steps
down the express up escalator
just pause for one second
let yourself drift a while
rest from that run from nothing
it's getting you nowhere
and no one wants a postcard
such fascinating secrets of self-deception
thinking they'll judge you
they can't hear your thoughts
and you don't dare voice them
if i had just one penny
for every benefit of the doubt
that you ever allowed yourself
i guess i'd need to get a job
no money buys no bread
and man needs more than words
even those sacred words
how can you live by them
do you call that living
i don't and she wouldn't
factor that into the mix
will you drink that cocktail now
lethal in its lack of meaning
washing down your bitter pill
spending christmas in your head
the weather wasn't great
and you still want to go back
because you like skydiving
sans parachute
what an admirable crater
build a house at the bottom
live there on weekends
the cherry groves of death valley
that's some killer flavour
mining your mind for gold
melt it down and make ingots
you just throw them away
all for means
none for ends
unless they're dead ones
you like those caves
cosy and warm
reminding you of the prison
cordial embrace of stone and bars
tally of time on the wall
scratched with your fingernails
you've done your time
but you're back voluntarily
the warden makes you laugh
beatings are hilarious
morale has improved no end
that clown certainly earns his pay
juggling your emotions
turning your smiles to frowns
self-taught from a young age
hate so chunky you can carve it
and you do
how long has it been
you've forgotten why you started
too late to change tunes
better whistle louder then
you aren't deaf yet
and you might hear reason
and you might see sense
and you might taste the barrel
but the trigger is pulled
game over
how is that victory
demise in record time
i didn't see that game in the arcade
probably not very popular
don't you wonder why
just for a change
from wondering why you're alone
wondering if she'd care
why would she
a dead man inspires no confidence
poor prospect of promotion
even if you got a job
the resume needs work
you shouldn't mention depression
or inclination to self-maim
wear a shirt that isn't stained
be confident if you can
know your strengths
they aren't your weaknesses
and this confusion is not productive
ditch that with the negativity
so maybe there's nothing left now
paint a new picture
thick strokes of bright colours
you think that doesn't look like you
seek a second opinion
robby's does not count
he is merely half your brain
but that's all you're used to using
you don't see the whole picture
even though you are the artist
listen to the critics
they haven't condemned you
no recruits for the lynching mob there
you are the whole posse
saddle up and track down your life
think of the reward
no one wants you dead
bring yourself in alive
take down the wanted poster
with all your darts in it
can't see the face through the feathers
all those points stuck in you
but you couldn't see the real one
looking like a sieve
life flowed past
and you kept the detritus
straining yourself for nothing
i thought you were efficient
but you've just been spinning wheels
bogged in the pit
why dig yourself in deeper
you won't get anywhere
and that somehow surprises you
you took a thousand steps
while chained to the tree
never thought to look up
pluck the fruit
always in season
that's meant to be a cycle
why stop it on winter
don't you like the sun
too much light and happiness
most people prefer that
you think they're ignorant
yet still they know better than you
they're enjoying themselves
you're amassing hurt
enough already
glutton for the rack
stretching yourself
the snap will come
and then maybe you'll see
and say you were wrong
picking up your own pieces
putting them back together
exactly how they were
didn't you learn anything
failing the exams on purpose
every year a repeat
and you say you're bored
you're writing the textbook
maybe you should wake up
to the history you're making
the repetition is your fault
because you're scared
always taking the safe route
commenting on the stagnation
wondering about the landmarks
that you haven't seen
try getting out of the garage
and learning to drive off-road
the scenery is more interesting
and you'll take new photographs
if you remove the lens cap
and focus on the worthwhile
stop pulling the film out
erasing memories you find discomforting
because they're new to you
not your tried and tested
using a crooked measure
skewed with anger
elephants don't forget
they probably forgive though
even if you pack their trunks
with all your sorry recollections
and ship them to yourself
in southern bulgaria
