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Another 'Stay or Go' Thread - 30+ w younger live in GF

CrescentFresh

CrescentFresh

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2001
Messages
304
Location
Cleveland
So I thought there would be some insight to my situation in the archives but I couldnt find anything... Background:

Im 31, have a 26 year old GF who is a very nice girl, good personality for the most part, a big nagging at times but cool to hang out, travel, and live with and my family seems to like her and she's cool with my friends/ lifestyle. She lives in my house i own, and I've basically got my shit together....

The problem is we've been dating for almost 3 years now, and last year I told her i was 'considering going the next step' (marriage) and now a year later, still can't 'shit or get off the pot.' There's nothing entirely wrong with her, and i DO Love her... But I've only been with 4 girls and im 31, all long term relationships... pretty much one after the other. When I didnt have a GF, i wasnt very happy....

I want kids in the NEAR future, and she'd be a great Mom. She's a little bit overweight, worries a bit too much, and I wish she had a few more close friends of her own... But other than that she's a great catch. It seems stupid to throw everything we have away because 'Maybe the Grass is Greener'.... But if Im typing this up, it obviously means Im still not 'all in' after 3 years.

Anybody else going through something similar to this, or have any sage wisdom? Thanks Guys.
 
I say just go for it, try to ignore your fears of commitment, if you love her and have been with her for so long and don't imagine ever breaking up with her, no reason not to. Unless you're seriously considering breaking up with her because you want to be with other women, I don't really see why you should renounce marriage.
But then again, I mean, not like you have to get married anyway!
 
Mate I was in your position not all that long ago. She desperately wanted to marry me and have kids but I kept making excuses to myself and her about the time not being right or finances etc. I've got one piece of advice for you, if you love the girl take the plunge. I couldnt do it because I didnt have the balls and this resulted in me losing her, the only girl I ever loved(been with many before her). Was with her 7 years , best times of my life. Granted we had our ups and downs but looking back now I regret not going further and having a kid together even if the timing wasnt perfect, it never will be the perfect time. If im lucky enough to find that happiness again I Can tell u for sure I wont make the same mistake again.

Good luck bro and I hope you make the right decision for you both.
 
Thank you very much for your advice guys.

If im 100% not ready now - what would change in the next 3-12 months to make things any better? Putting it off would only make it harder to find a future mate IMO... But the problem is I really do love her, and I know she'd make a great wife/mom.... I just wish I could tweak a couple things about her. That being said, I feel like I should take the fact that i KNOW I could be happy with her - and Be content with that and move forward...

... Vs 'what's behind door #2!?" - Which can very well be something the same or worse... Not likely to be better.

I can be happy with her forever... But Ill always have that 'what if' scenario creeping in my head, which sucks. That being said, Im fairly certain starting a family with her would make me love her even more, and I don't want to lose her.
 
at least you realize this after 3 years.. it took me 7 years...

in the other hand, do you think the 5th one will be better ? What about the blowjobs ?

Also, if you want kids in the near future, are you willing to make kids with a girl you just know for 8 months let's say ?
 
I feel like in 5 years I will be roughly as happy as I am now... Which is to say a solid 'B' if you will... I feel like 'sure, there's probably someone 'better' out there - but why throw away happiness that I have now, for a 'maybe' that might be one minor iteration better?' ...Especially given that I might be wrong, and there's no better match for me.

When i write down a list of pros v cons, there's always more Pros. The things I don't like dont really SEEM like a big deal... All women put on weight at some point, and its not like I can't 'look at other girls' on the Internet... In the grand scheme of things, Shell be there when I need her and make me a happy person.

Thanks guys.
 
CrescentFresh said:
So I thought there would be some insight to my situation in the archives but I couldnt find anything... Background:

Im 31, have a 26 year old GF who is a very nice girl, good personality for the most part, a big nagging at times but cool to hang out, travel, and live with and my family seems to like her and she's cool with my friends/ lifestyle. She lives in my house i own, and I've basically got my shit together....

The problem is we've been dating for almost 3 years now, and last year I told her i was 'considering going the next step' (marriage) and now a year later, still can't 'shit or get off the pot.' There's nothing entirely wrong with her, and i DO Love her... But I've only been with 4 girls and im 31, all long term relationships... pretty much one after the other. When I didnt have a GF, i wasnt very happy....

I want kids in the NEAR future, and she'd be a great Mom. She's a little bit overweight, worries a bit too much, and I wish she had a few more close friends of her own... But other than that she's a great catch. It seems stupid to throw everything we have away because 'Maybe the Grass is Greener'.... But if Im typing this up, it obviously means Im still not 'all in' after 3 years.

Anybody else going through something similar to this, or have any sage wisdom? Thanks Guys.
Click to expand...

I bolded the part that most emphasizes your dissatisfaction with your own life, in the hope that you will realize it has nothing to do with the girls you are or aren't with and everything to do with the way you live your own life as an individual. Obviously you aren't convinced that marriage would complete you and IMHO I don't think it will. If you've gone through your 20s in long-term relationships then how much of the life you lived then was the life you wanted to live? Is your life now a product of your own desires, or is it just a fortunate situation you wound up in by going with the flow?
 
thujone said:
I bolded the part that most emphasizes your dissatisfaction with your own life, in the hope that you will realize it has nothing to do with the girls you are or aren't with and everything to do with the way you live your own life as an individual. Obviously you aren't convinced that marriage would complete you and IMHO I don't think it will. If you've gone through your 20s in long-term relationships then how much of the life you lived then was the life you wanted to live? Is your life now a product of your own desires, or is it just a fortunate situation you wound up in by going with the flow?
Click to expand...

Great post. OP, why weren't you happy without a girlfriend? Are you unhappy with yourself? Have you ever taken some time to really get to know yourself? You don't NEED a girl to be happy. You need to be able to be happy on your own.

That being said, I can't tell from your post whether it's just a fear of commitment or you really don't think she's that amazing. Are you really in love with her? IN LOVE I mean. You obviously love her. After being together for so long, of course you're going to love each other, but is there still that passion and romance going on?
 
CrescentFresh said:
I just wish I could tweak a couple things about her.
Click to expand...

This sticks out to me like a sore thumb. Isn't love about accepting someone the way they are?

I'm going to go against what everyone else has said and say DON'T go for it. Listen to your gut. If something is making you not want to get married, then something is obviously wrong. Good for you not taking such a big commitment lightly! If more people didn't just "go for it," the divorce rate wouldn't be so fucking high!

Anyways, if you married her, you might resent her later. You might feel like you were backed into a corner, so to speak.
 
I say just go for it, try to ignore your fears of commitment, if you love her and have been with her for so long and don't imagine ever breaking up with her, no reason not to.
Click to expand...

641fcffad4e8fa6a2abec3da6af71d66.gif
 
I would want to know this stuff if I was the girl, so I don't waste my time with someone who is "OK" with me but not really in love with me. Sure, it'll hurt and I will cry my eyes out, but after getting over it, I'll realize that I can do better.
 
Everything rangrz has studied, experienced, and witnessed says you need to fear committment more then I fear an agonizing death by acute radiation syndrome....it's over in a few weeks and morphine can dull the pain.

But marriage to a nagging, dependent, fatty? That is the sort of suffering I picture when I imagine the Christian concept of hell. Run!
 
One thing I'm noting from you that's different from other situations is that you are the one in whom were seeking marriage, and that's a very privileged position as opposed to a lady-friend who is more serious than you.


You really do throw out derogatory terms when explaining this woman however also that she's great and would make a great mother. A large part of what may be the issue is between the intimacy factor in finding the girl of your dreams and a girl in whom would be a great mother. There is nothing wrong with that but it's important to separate the two into concise factors of whether or not you'd like to continue seeing her. You two have largely grown comfortable, and that comfortability sets the foundation of placidity, and your girlfriend now feels stable enough to "nag" at you. If you want her to have more close friends of her own, that basically says that you'd like to see less of her, and that you need space due to "nagging."


Having said that, if you are now having an itchy impulse of "staying or leaving" do not expect it to get any better without having children. You two live in your own house and very well might already consider yourself married. Ask yourself if the addition of children would remedy your itchy impulse.


If you need further help, I recommend you seek therapy.
 
Thank you so much for all of your insightful comments. Ive had a little time to think about everything more deeply, and Im more into the idea of marriage than before... Primarily for the family side of things tho. I from Cleveland where things tend to happen at an earlier age - many of my friends already have kids OR they want nothing to do with them...

Part of my problem is have this timeline in my head- and being 31 while still 'young' seems like the age to start settling down. The other bonus with my current GF, and I should have mentioned this before - is that I know I can still have friends and do my own thing while we're parents, without her resenting me... And that includes smoking Cannibus on occasion, and probalby with her. We are part of the rare group of people that can somehow raise kids and somehow find an hour and a half to 'enjoy ourselves' while they've sleeping. (Worked fine for my parents, who are still together and close with us.)

Those who brought up ill say my internal troubles - I'm not unhappy by any means, tho I AM less than confident with the ladies. This is based on 15 years of personal experiences (many negative) which also lead me to believe that 'ideal girl' I want, if she exists, might not like me (or want to get married.)

Add to that - Any potential 'other girl' out there would have to have a weird sense of humor, be open minded, not crazy, tolerant of smoking (enjoy herb herself ideally) want kids but not have any, be mildly attractive, 26-32 AND Live in Cleveland.... and I believe that leaves a total of 3 women in a 30 mile radius. I do not know where these women live, and furthermore - why wouldnt a girl like that be taken already?

So as depressing as my run down might sound... Im a pragmatic realist, and I feel like 'being happy' is not technically 'settling'. Ill keep you guys posted.
 
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