Angry angry ANGRY EYES!

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Sure, the only way to keep people from being ignorant is to educate them. But lately I'm getting fed up and everybody I try to "educate" ends in epic failure. Everytime I try to tell them that being trans is a birth defect, it's not a choice, etc, they come back with their bullshit. Sure, they're entitled to their own opinion but lately I'm so enraged by the littlest things. Maybe my anger is being directed at the wrong people, wrong things...but I'm angry in general at my body, myself, my life, and my lack of ability to change the things I really want to.

A few weeks ago, I was cornered at a gay bar. This is my home bar, I perform there. I was outside with a friend smoking a cig, and this one drunk faggot [I say faggot with no derogitory remarks intended] comes up to me and he's talking, and calls me a girl. For those of you who don't know, I'm transgendered. So I corrected him. Thank god my drag dad had given me a packer because he was like ok...you're a dude? Prove it. And took me back against the one wall. I unzipped my fly, pointed at my dick, and he was like oh I'm sorry man, blah blah blah. So I passed. If I hadn't I might've gotten my ass kicked.

After that all went on, I went off and punched a wall and dislocated my knuckles. That night I was about to be kicked out of where I'm staying too and the people who are supposed to be giving me a housing voucher are dicking around so it's taking awhile. I was terrified, cause I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go back to a shelter, cause I refuse to be grouped with women. I'm working on getting my gender marker c hanged on my license so that they'd have to group me with the males, but it's also taking forever. On top of that I've been talking to a couple girls who are cool with me being male, and see me as just male. But I'm afraid to be in another relationship after what happened the last time. Basically, I was much different then and quit transitioning for my ex so she wouldn't break up with me. Obviously, we ended up breaking it off anyhow. And I regret quitting transitioning.

I'm not entirely getitng nowhere. I started using Rogaine on my face again, and taking DHEA, and just started using a hair thickener/growth stimulator on my face as well and I'm getting good results. But my gender marker isn't changed on my license yet. And my name isn't legally changed. And I'm this close to getting on hormones, but need a job first so I can afford them. And dysphoria is kicking my ass sometimes. I see hips when I know I have none, and I think my chest is never flat enough, etc. But in reality I pass 100%. Idk. Had to get that out there before I punch another wall (which may happen, cause I just had to go and deal with people using my legal name, that pisses me off beyond belief. Is it sick that I hope I break something?)

 

[flacky]

While I do understand your struggle and predicament, being grouped with women is probably better than homelessness....

Are there any services that are offered by LGBT organizations in yoru area? They should be able to give you the best legal advice about gender and name change, and might be able to hook you up with a transgendered-oriented shelter.

Don't punch a wall. Although it's tempting and a brief release, it never helps in the long-run. I would suggest taking up a boxing class or something to release the energy in a similar way, but your cash is strapped.

In terms of curbing the anger, though, stopping the DHEA would probably help with that. DHEA does very strange (and not well understood scientifically) things to your hormonal system. It could easily be boosting your anger.

 

[Sweet P]

I understand your frustrations. I've also been trying to "educate" certain people in another thread on Bluelight. The ignorance of some people never ceases to amaze me.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Yeah, I don't have money for boxing classes. And being homeless would definitely be better than being grouped with women. Cause I'm not a fucking woman. I did end up punching a wall but not fucking my hand up too badly, it's already fucked up as it is. I was walking around town yesterday and found this nice alcove under the train tracks on a walking path...a brick underpass, with a nice clean rock to sleep on if worst comes to worst and it's sheltered from rain, too. I was talking to a friend of mine and I know that if anything happens and they found out I was sleeping in an underpass, they'd make me come stay with them anyhow. But I'm stubborn like that. I don't like accepting help if I don't have to. I met with teh housing lady yesterday, I was told I'd get my voucher then, but NOOOO I've been moved to the 18th of May. Which means even longer with the ever looming threat of me and my roommate going at it and me leaving. Whatever. I have people. I'll make it through this. I just hate how things are taking fucking forever to materialize.

And no, the DHEA has done nothing but good for me. I'm always angry when shit like this happens, and I was punching walls before I started taking it. My pulse is naturally high and since taking DHEA, it's gone back to normal range.

 

[flacky]

Have you talked to local LGBT organizations about possible transgendered-oriented shelters and the legal issues with your name and gender?

 

[lightitup]

Aw, I wish I knew what to do. The world is an ugly place sometimes. I agree with flacky, depending on where you live, there may be options specifically for this type of situation and living arrangements.

I know it will be much harder, but the world is full of love and people who will accept you for you. Have you looked into any relaxation techniques? It sounds like you are getting a lot of anger and tension building up, and there are a lot of ways to help release it. Meditation, yoga, exercise, eating healthier, breathing techniques and many more. I think if people are more relaxed in general, it is harder for them to reach the point of kicking walls, or wanting to break something. I have been there before, and it is really scary to be that angry often.

Good luck.